In a stunning display of long-term planning, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) today announced an ambitious strategy to reclaim the South by the year 2076. “We’ve been playing the long game,” said a DNC spokesperson, “and we’re confident that by the time America celebrates its tricentennial, we’ll have made significant inroads.” The plan, which includes...
Arlington, VA — In an event that will surely go down in history as one of the most surreal and controversial moments of the 2024 campaign trail, former President Donald Trump’s attempt to commemorate the third anniversary of the tragic attack in Afghanistan was abruptly interrupted by an unexpected and unprecedented protest. As Trump stood...
Beijing, China – In an unprecedented and heartwarming show of camaraderie and self-care, the world’s most notorious SMS scammers have decided to put their work on hold to enjoy a week-long gaming binge of the newly released Black Myth: Wukong. The scam industry, usually known for its relentless pursuit of unsuspecting smartphone users with fake...
Charlotte, NC — In what has been described as a “bold new chapter in sports history,” the Carolina Panthers have become the first team to be mathematically eliminated from the NFL playoffs before playing a single game in the 2027 season. The unprecedented announcement came from the NFL headquarters this morning, where Commissioner Roger Goodell...
New York, NY — In a surprising twist of linguistic dexterity, several Fox News hosts have assured their viewers that any controversial comments they’ve made—whether it be about misogyny, homophobia, or other sensitive topics—should be understood in their original German context. Jesse Watters, the anchor known for his no-holds-barred commentary, took to the airwaves Monday...
Valdosta, GA — The International Donut and Pastry League (IDPL) announced today that they are suing JD Vance, vice presidential candidate and author of “Hillbilly Elegy,” for what they call an “unprecedented attack” on the sex appeal of donuts. The lawsuit comes on the heels of a disastrous photo-op in Valdosta, Georgia, where Vance’s attempts...
BOISE IDAHO – Idaho Pedophile Matt Melton stood in front of a large crowd, which they assured was more than 1000 feet from any park or school, to voice their support of Vice President hopeful J.D. Vance. “We love children!” Melton cheered. “The world is nothing without these young, attractive souls!” Vance was quoted saying...
In what can only be described as a tragic defeat for the pillow tycoon turned political crusader, Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow, was recently caught on camera losing a tussle with a 12-year-old child at the Democratic National Convention (DNC). But while the liberal media has been quick to air the footage of this humiliating...
“If I haven’t seen my own penis in six years, there’s no way he could have.” Palm Beach, FL – Former President Donald Trump is reportedly livid after a recent joke made by Barack Obama about his supposed inability to see his own penis, leading to an uncharacteristically personal feud between the two former commanders-in-chief....
In a series of impassioned social media posts, former President Donald Trump lashed out at critics who questioned the authenticity of newly surfaced photographs depicting Abraham Lincoln sporting a bright red “TRUMP” shirt. The images, which Trump posted on his Truth Social account, have been met with widespread skepticism, with many claiming they are the...