former President Donald Trump and Senator J.D. Vance held a press conference yesterday to issue a formal apology to the women of America, acknowledging that their previous dismissive comments might have been in poor taste. Both men, however, sheepishly admitted that they simply hadn’t realized women were part of the voter pool.

“Look, in my defense, back when I learned about voting, my mother wasn’t even allowed to vote, and she taught me everything,” Trump explained, gesturing earnestly at the audience. “For years, I thought elections were really a men’s club. I just assumed everyone had to have a 5 o’clock shadow and at least one cigar to participate.”

Senator Vance backed him up, adding, “It’s a common misconception! Nobody told us there were all these new rules about female voters. I mean, when did this happen? 1920? I guess I missed that memo.”

Despite murmurs of disbelief from the press corps, the two went on to double down on their commitment to a new campaign approach: one that would cater more inclusively to women by rolling out policies like “free pink parking spaces” and “50% off brunches on Election Day.” Trump even proposed a special “no-wait” line at voting booths “just for the ladies.”

“I just want all the women to know we’re listening,” Trump insisted. “Starting now. Now that we know you’re, you know, voting.”

Political analysts agree the outreach efforts are historic in their ambition, with plans for both men to meet with a hand-selected panel of women voters — “Real Housewives” stars and a few “charming yet harmless” grandmothers — to gain deeper insights into the female perspective on taxes, foreign policy, and shoe storage.

“I can promise that moving forward, every speech will include at least three references to shopping and spa days,” Vance said proudly. “That’s how serious we are about this.”

Despite the media uproar, the two politicians remain optimistic. “The gals are gonna love this,” Trump assured reporters with a wink. “And I promise: I’ll never ask if they need to speak to a man again.”

Washington, D.C. — As Donald Trump continues his quest to retake the White House, a growing number of Republican staffers are quietly voicing concerns—not about his poll numbers, his legal troubles, or his controversial policies—but about his ability to continue one of his more infamous pastimes: sexually harassing women.

In off-the-record conversations with Fox News, several Republican aides expressed doubts over whether Trump, now in his late 70s, still possesses the physical and cognitive capacity to maintain the same level of inappropriate behavior that defined parts of his 2016 campaign and his time in office.

“There’s just been a lot of chatter about his… stamina,” said one senior GOP staffer. “We need to know if he still has the energy to go after the ‘locker room’ lifestyle that made him a hit with certain sections of our base.”

In recent months, reports from those close to Trump have highlighted what they call his “low-energy approach” to traditional activities, such as awkward handshakes and unsolicited comments about women’s bodies. While some aides have dismissed these as temporary lapses, others are less optimistic.

“The question is, can he still ‘grab ’em’ like he used to? And if not, does that impact his electability?” mused another GOP strategist. “Our voters love him for a lot of reasons, but let’s not forget the Trump brand was built on a certain… audacity. If that fades, what’s left?”

Despite these concerns, Trump’s inner circle insists the former president is as sharp as ever, and even hints that he has been working on “new tactics” to keep his supporters engaged. However, critics argue that certain behaviors can’t be sustained forever, no matter how much one practices in front of the mirror at Mar-a-Lago.

One source noted that the Trump campaign may need to focus on updated messaging if they’re to assure voters that he’s still got the “touch” they remember. “We may have to pivot a little. Maybe something more verbal. The important thing is, he continues to horrify and titillate in ways that matter to the GOP base.”

Whether or not these concerns are warranted remains to be seen, but what’s certain is that Republican staffers are preparing contingency plans. One aide speculated about the possibility of “light harassment” stand-ins during campaign events, while others suggested a return to the “classic” strategies that made Trump a populist hero: insulting opponents and rambling incoherently about things that may or may not exist.

In the meantime, the GOP is holding its breath to see if Trump can bounce back to the form that made him a household name for all the wrong reasons.

As one staffer put it, “He can still run for office, but if he can’t run his hands the way he used to… it’s going to be a tough sell.”

Oklahoma City, OK — Oklahoma’s State Superintendent of Public Instruction, Ryan Walters, known for his recent push to reintroduce the Bible into schools, is now taking his campaign for moral purity to new heights—or rather, new inflatables.

In an unexpected turn during a press conference, Walters unveiled his latest legislative proposal: a requirement that all blow-up sex dolls sold in the state must be official Trump™ Blow-Up Dolls.

“These dolls will be a key component in restoring America’s moral fiber,” said Walters as he stood in front of a podium adorned with miniature flags and a bobblehead of the former president. “If Americans are going to indulge in… intimate activities, they should do so with a figure that stands for greatness, a true American icon—Donald J. Trump.”

The Trump™ Blow-Up Doll, manufactured exclusively by Trump Industries, is a larger-than-life inflatable modeled after the former president himself. Complete with a comb-over made from “genuine imitation hair” and a tie that critics are calling “bizarrely long even for inflatable standards,” the doll has been described as a “patriotic must-have for any God-fearing American.”

Walters emphasized that the doll isn’t just any inflatable, but rather a moral beacon for lost souls. “This is about more than physical pleasure,” he stated, his voice quivering with conviction. “This is about intimacy with America itself. The doll’s sturdy frame and unblinking eyes will remind users of what it means to truly love this country and be loved in return. Nothing says ‘patriotism’ like staring into Donald Trump’s plastic gaze while you… uh, express your freedom.”

As Walters spoke, an overhead projection of the doll was displayed behind him, showing the detailed craftsmanship that went into the design. “It’s anatomically correct in all the right ways,” Walters added with a wink, sending shivers down the spines of anyone still paying attention. “Just imagine cuddling up at night, feeling safe and secure as you gently caress that synthetic, orange-tinted skin. Now that’s what America is about!”

According to Walters, the mandate is meant to “teach values and pride in our country’s greatest leader,” encouraging Americans to “explore the deep bond they have with their nation” while getting cozy with the plastic Trump likeness.

“I want Oklahomans to know what it feels like to embrace greatness,” Walters explained. “To feel secure knowing you’re in the arms of someone who truly understands the art of the deal. To experience the warmth of his smiling face looking down at you as you… embrace your God-given freedoms.”

In addition to its, shall we say, stimulating uses, the Trump™ Blow-Up Doll will come with a voice box pre-loaded with over 1,000 of Trump’s most iconic phrases, including “Fake News,” “China,” and “I’ve done more for this country than anyone else in history.” It also plays a special version of God Bless America for those extra patriotic moments of self-reflection.

Though Walters insists the proposal will instill “true American values,” the initiative has already faced significant backlash from critics who argue that forcing residents to purchase and, um, “interact” with inflatable Trump dolls is “deeply disturbing,” “wildly unnecessary,” and “somehow both unpatriotic and uncomfortable.”

In response, Walters brushed off the criticism. “These are just liberals who don’t understand American tradition,” he said, waving his hand dismissively. “They’re probably too busy snuggling up to their Bill Clinton body pillows to realize what they’re missing.”

As for concerns about consent—mainly, whether or not the doll could consent to such intimate experiences—Walters reassured the public that the Trump doll, “much like the man himself,” is always ready for action. “It’s resilient, folks, believe me,” he stated. “And if there’s one thing we know about Trump, it’s that he can handle anything thrown his way. Or, in this case, anyone.”

In the end, Walters’ goal is simple: he wants every American to feel a deep connection to the former president, quite literally in this case. “We’re not just saving America’s soul here,” he said, gripping a miniature version of the doll in his hands. “We’re giving America a way to feel close to its greatest leader… in ways you never thought possible.”

Oklahoma residents should expect to see these Trump™ Blow-Up Dolls in stores by the end of the year, complete with a MAGA hat, limited-edition tanning lotion, and a waiver form—just in case the experience gets too real.

Ex First Lady Melania Trump has officially declared her support for legalized abortion—but with a catch.

Standing in front of a dramatically oversized portrait of herself in her signature “I don’t really sleep with my husband, do u?” jacket, Melania addressed a small gathering of loyal fans and bewildered reporters at her Florida home, Mar-a-Lago, this past Tuesday.

“For too long, I have stayed silent,” she began, pausing for dramatic effect, as if savoring her moment in the spotlight. “But no more. Today, I announce my support for legalized abortion—under one condition. It should only apply to any porn star my husband might accidentally impregnate during his, how you say, extracurricular activities.”

The room fell into stunned silence, punctuated only by the sound of a bewildered Fox News correspondent dropping his microphone.

Melania continued, seemingly unbothered by the shock her words had induced. “It’s important that we protect the freedom of choice,” she said, “specifically the choice to clean up my husband’s… ‘mistakes.’ After all, these women are professionals, just like my husband claims to be when negotiating deals or, apparently, phone numbers.”

Legal experts have already begun to analyze what this bold new policy could mean for American reproductive rights. Some speculate it could form the basis of a new law dubbed the “Stormy Clause,” a reference to adult film star Stormy Daniels, who famously alleged an affair with Donald Trump in the mid-2000s. Others fear this might lead to a slippery slope where abortion rights are only afforded to “the most well-documented mistresses,” leaving the rest of the country’s women to fend for themselves.

Supporters of Melania’s stance are calling it “pro-life with a loophole.” A growing chorus of conservatives is already hailing her as a “champion of moral compromise.”

“She’s truly thinking outside the box—or at least outside the prenup,” said one Melania supporter, who asked to remain anonymous while hawking “Make Abortions Great Again” hats on eBay.

In typical fashion, former President Donald Trump took to Truth Social to offer his own unique brand of congratulations to his wife.

“Melania, CLASSY move. Some of the best ideas ever come from the women who stand behind me—sometimes in front but usually behind! Incredible woman, incredible timing, great legs! MAGA!”

Critics of the proposal, including feminist groups and almost every woman not married to Donald Trump, are condemning it as both absurd and terrifyingly specific. Planned Parenthood issued a brief statement, saying, “While we appreciate any discussion about reproductive rights, this is not quite what we had in mind.”

In her closing remarks, Melania offered a piece of advice to any future First Ladies who might face similar marital… situations. “When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade,” she said, with a faint smile. “When life gives your husband hush money scandals, you make policy.”

One thing is clear: Melania Trump has found her cause. Whether it will catch on with the broader public remains to be seen, but if nothing else, she’s certainly shaken things up. As one attendee put it: “If you thought 2024 was going to be boring, think again.”