former President Donald Trump and Senator J.D. Vance held a press conference yesterday to issue a formal apology to the women of America, acknowledging that their previous dismissive comments might have been in poor taste. Both men, however, sheepishly admitted that they simply hadn’t realized women were part of the voter pool. “Look, in my...
McDonald’s is facing a new controversy after customers reported experiencing severe illness—not from E. coli this time, but from an unexpected ingredient found in their beloved fries: Donald Trump’s signature orange bronzer. This scandal comes hot on the heels of a viral photo-op involving the former president, where he visited a McDonald’s in downtown Tulsa,...
Donald Trump has unveiled his latest product: the Trump Timepiece™. This revolutionary watch has promised to redefine how we perceive time, not by telling it accurately, but by telling you why all other watches are complete and total failures. At a flashy press conference in Mar-a-Lago, Trump declared, “I’ve got the best watch, folks. The...
Washington, D.C. — As Donald Trump continues his quest to retake the White House, a growing number of Republican staffers are quietly voicing concerns—not about his poll numbers, his legal troubles, or his controversial policies—but about his ability to continue one of his more infamous pastimes: sexually harassing women. In off-the-record conversations with Fox News,...
Tallahassee, FL – As Hurricane Milton slams into Florida, leaving thousands scrambling for basic necessities like food, water, and a decent Wi-Fi signal, Governor Ron DeSantis has stepped up to address the growing concern over one critical shortage: toilet paper. At a press conference today, DeSantis announced that while the state has stockpiles of canned...
Move over, Zuck, there’s a new creeper in town, and it’s none other than Elon Musk! That’s right, the man who once challenged Vladimir Putin to single combat over the fate of Ukraine has now bested Mark Zuckerberg to claim the number one spot on Forbes‘ illustrious “Creepiest Billionaire” list. It’s been a nail-biting race,...
Oklahoma City, OK — Oklahoma’s State Superintendent of Public Instruction, Ryan Walters, known for his recent push to reintroduce the Bible into schools, is now taking his campaign for moral purity to new heights—or rather, new inflatables. In an unexpected turn during a press conference, Walters unveiled his latest legislative proposal: a requirement that all...
Ex First Lady Melania Trump has officially declared her support for legalized abortion—but with a catch. Standing in front of a dramatically oversized portrait of herself in her signature “I don’t really sleep with my husband, do u?” jacket, Melania addressed a small gathering of loyal fans and bewildered reporters at her Florida home, Mar-a-Lago,...
Heaven (October 1, 2024) – In a stunning turn of celestial events, Pete Rose, the legendary baseball star who was infamously banned from Major League Baseball for gambling, has now found himself banned from heaven after an even more shocking revelation: he placed a bet on his own death in a heavenly dead pool. Sources...