January 2025 - Broken Newz

Trump’s First Executive Order: Granting Himself A Kagillion More Executive Orders

Steve Tanner on January 23, 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On his very first day as President, Donald J. Trump made history yet again. In a move that stunned scholars, political analysts, and even his most devoted supporters, Trump signed an executive order granting himself a “kagillion more executive orders” — a number so large it prompted White House staff to Google whether it was a real word (it isn’t).

“This is the most important executive order, maybe ever. Some are saying it’s genius. I’m not saying it, but people are saying it,” Trump announced during a surprise press conference in the Oval Office. “I had one executive order, folks, just one. And I thought, why stop there? Why not go big? So I asked myself: ‘What’s the biggest number?’ And the answer, of course, is kagillion. Tremendous number. Huge.”

The executive order itself, officially titled Executive Order #1: The Bigly Expansion of Executive Order Power for the Best President Ever (and unofficially nicknamed “The Infinity Wish”), contains a single sentence:

“I, Donald J. Trump, hereby grant myself a kagillion more executive orders because I deserve it, and everyone knows it, okay? Believe me.”

Within hours of signing the order, Trump put his newfound powers to work. His second executive order declared every day “National Trump Day,” complete with parades, commemorative coins, and mandatory Trump steaks at all federal cafeterias. His third order banned “fake news outlets” from White House grounds, a category that now includes any media that doesn’t refer to him as “Your Excellency, the Orange Wizard of Winning.”

By the end of his first week, Trump had issued 872 executive orders, including one requiring all Mount Rushmore statues to “look a little more Trumpy” and another mandating that wind turbines apologize for “making cancer.”

When asked if there’s a limit to his executive powers, Trump laughed. “A limit? No, no. I’ve got a kagillion, remember? Kagillion. It’s a number. It’s huge. Bigger than anything anyone’s ever had. And guess what? If I run out, I’ll just give myself a bajillion more. Simple!”

As Trump left the press conference to sign Executive Order #873, titled “Melania Has to Hold My Hand,” staffers quietly debated whether “kagillion” would be added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

“We’re living in a cartoon now,” sighed one aide.

Meanwhile, in a dark corner of the White House basement, a dusty genie lamp sat on a shelf, trembling.

National Flags to Fly at Half-Flaccid for the Next Four Years

Steve Tanner on January 20, 2025

The Department of State announced today that all U.S. flags—state and national—will fly at “half-flaccid” to honor the inauguration of Donald Trump. Officials clarified that this involves a new flagpole design, where the banners droop at an awkward 45-degree angle, ensuring they “hang on, but not too proud,” a sentiment reportedly reflective of “national morale and overall vibes.” Sources close to the former president lauded the decision as “unprecedented greatness,” with Trump himself claiming, “No other nation’s flags are flaccid like ours. Other countries are looking, believe me.”

Critics argue the move is emblematic of broader dysfunction, with one senator lamenting, “We’ve gone from waving the flag to lightly draping it over a chair and hoping for the best.” Meanwhile, the new policy has sparked unexpected entrepreneurial opportunities, with manufacturers rushing to create collapsible flagpoles capable of “gentle disinterest.” Social media users, unsurprisingly, were quick to capitalize, with hashtags like #FlaccidFreedom and #SaggingWithPride trending. As one commentator quipped, “This might be the only time a limp showing gets this much national attention.”

Ban of TikTok Will Force Thousands To Find Other Websites To Convince You That You Can Make A Watermelon Look and Taste Like Steak

Steve Tanner on January 17, 2025

TikTok—the beloved app that made viral watermelon steak tutorials a household phenomenon—is facing a potential nationwide ban, leaving Gen Z creators scrambling to find alternative platforms to share their groundbreaking revelation: that watermelon, when seared just right, can allegedly taste like steak.

For millions of Gen Z TikTok users, this isn’t just about losing an app—it’s about losing a way of life. The platform that brought us dances, dubious skincare hacks, and endless debates over the pronunciation of “charcuterie” is now poised to disappear, taking with it the cherished #WatermelonSteak movement.

“It’s like they don’t want us to thrive,” said 19-year-old Madison “Meatless Queen” Taylor in a tearful Instagram Live. “What am I supposed to do now? Convince people to cook fruit on LinkedIn?”

The End of an Era (and Maybe Your Appetite)

TikTok has long been a safe haven for Gen Z innovators who believe the culinary rules of the universe are mere suggestions. For years, they’ve tirelessly experimented in their kitchens, asking questions like, “Can you turn cauliflower into mac and cheese?” or “What if pasta were made of zucchini and regret?”

The watermelon steak craze became one of TikTok’s defining culinary contributions. Armed with soy sauce, liquid smoke, and unchecked optimism, creators would char thick slabs of watermelon, declaring with a straight face that it tasted just like a medium-rare filet. Critics called it sacrilege. Fans called it sustainable. Everyone else called Domino’s.

Now, with TikTok’s future in jeopardy, the world is left wondering: where will these young pioneers take their absurd food content next?

The Great Platform Exodus

As the potential ban looms, alternative platforms are already experiencing a surge in watermelon-related uploads. Instagram Reels, once the home of boomer vacation photos, is bracing for a flood of Gen Z creators trying to explain why fruit deserves a spot at the BBQ.

Snapchat has quietly rolled out a new feature called “Flop Filters,” allowing users to make their watermelon steaks look slightly less horrifying. YouTube, meanwhile, is capitalizing on the chaos with a new trend: “Longform Food Fail Videos.”

But not every app is ready for the incoming tide. A spokesperson for Pinterest issued a statement: “We are thrilled to welcome TikTok creators, but we draw the line at turning watermelons into anything other than decorative centerpieces.”

A Generation in Crisis

For many Gen Z creators, the ban feels like a personal attack. “This is silencing an entire generation’s voice,” said 20-year-old influencer Liam “Chef of Chaos” Miller. “TikTok taught us that anything can be food if you believe in yourself—and have enough balsamic glaze.”

Experts warn that the loss of TikTok could have far-reaching consequences for culinary culture. “We’re not just losing an app,” said Dr. Elaine Carter, a sociologist who studies digital communities. “We’re losing the collective delusion that made people think banana peels are an acceptable substitute for bacon. And that’s a tragedy.”

The Future of Watermelon Steaks

As Gen Z migrates to new platforms, some creators are taking their passion offline. Watermelon steak pop-up shops are reportedly appearing in parking lots across the country. In New York, one rogue chef is hosting underground “fruit-to-meat” dinner parties, charging $100 a plate to taste his patented smoked kiwi brisket.

“I won’t stop until the world sees the truth,” said Madison Taylor, defiantly holding a slice of grilled watermelon. “Watermelon is steak. And steak is, like, a social construct or whatever.”

Whether this TikTok ban marks the end of the watermelon steak era—or the beginning of an even stranger culinary movement—one thing is clear: the internet will always find a way to ruin perfectly good food.

America Finally Finds Common Ground as Americans Agree They Have No Clue Who Robbie Williams Is

Steve Tanner on January 12, 2025

UNITY IN 2025!!!

In a stunning display of rare and historic unity, the United States of America has come together as one to declare: “We have absolutely no idea who Robbie Williams is, and frankly, we’re fine with that.”

The epiphany struck after news broke that the upcoming Robbie Williams biopic, Better Man, generated less excitement stateside than a 4th of July tofu BBQ. A survey revealed that 93% of Americans, when asked about the British pop icon, responded with some variation of “Who?” or “Is he the guy from Mrs. Doubtfire?”

The remaining 7% assumed he was Robin Williams’ British cousin, a lesser-known Backstreet Boy, or perhaps an obscure regional mascot.

This cultural consensus has ignited joy across a country often polarized over everything from politics to pineapple on pizza. On Twitter, Americans swapped memes about Robbie Williams with giddy enthusiasm:

“I Googled him. He’s like if the UK made their own Pitbull but forgot to send him over in the exchange program.”
“Just found out he’s the guy who sings ‘Angels.’ Still no idea who that is, though. Angels from where???”
“So… no Super Bowl halftime show for this guy?”

The confusion is particularly stark when compared to Robbie Williams’ massive popularity in the UK, where his name is synonymous with boy band royalty and iconic solo hits. In America, however, he ranks somewhere between Eurovision winners and that one British guy from Love Actually in terms of cultural recognition.

“I thought I’d seen his name on the credits for Ted Lasso,” admitted Greg Taylor of Omaha, Nebraska. “Turns out I was thinking of Robbie Savage, and even he’s a stretch.”

Even Hollywood insiders are puzzled. The marketing team behind Better Man reportedly debated whether to bill the film as “a touching journey of one man’s rise to global fame” or “The movie about that one guy who’s big in Europe… no, not David Hasselhoff.”

Meanwhile, the Better Man trailer has barely registered a blip on U.S. streaming platforms. Experts believe the lack of interest stems not from active dislike, but rather complete indifference. “It’s not that we hate Robbie Williams,” said cultural analyst Karen McMillan. “It’s just that he’s, well… extra credit on the syllabus of British exports.”

Across the pond, British fans are baffled. “How can they not know him?!” exclaimed 45-year-old diehard Sarah Winchester, standing in front of her Robbie shrine. “He’s Robbie bloody Williams! He’s basically the soundtrack to my ‘90s adolescence!”

Americans, however, remain unfazed. “Look, he seems cool and all,” said Stephanie Ortiz of Austin, Texas. “But we’ve already got Harry Styles, Ed Sheeran, and a backlog of royal scandals to keep track of. There’s only so much bandwidth for British imports.”

As the U.S. collectively shrugs its shoulders at Robbie Williams, political leaders have already proposed a national Who Is Robbie Williams Day, a federal holiday where citizens come together to not Google him. The holiday has bipartisan support and is expected to pass into law unanimously—a first in modern American history.

For now, the nation savors its newfound harmony. “We may argue about a lot of things,” said Jessica Reynolds of Columbus, Ohio, “but at least we can all agree on this: Robbie who?”

Elon Musk Becomes 2nd Most History-Changing “Piece of Sh*t” After the Elvis Incident

Steve Tanner on January 7, 2025

In a groundbreaking development in the annals of absurd historical milestones, Elon Musk has officially been declared the second most history-changing piece of shit—just behind the infamous turd that indirectly caused Elvis Presley’s fatal bathroom heart attack.

A Turd of Legendary Proportions

The “Elvis Turd,” as it’s colloquially known, has long been heralded as the pinnacle of excremental significance. According to historical accounts, the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll met his untimely end in 1977 while sitting on his porcelain throne, battling what doctors later described as a “massive, terminal poop.” This unassuming bowel movement inadvertently ended the life of one of the greatest cultural icons of all time, leaving the world to wonder: What if that turd hadn’t existed?

Elon’s Rise to #2

While the Elvis Turd has held the title unchallenged for decades, Elon Musk has spent the last few years making an undeniable case for himself. Between launching flamethrowers for no reason, buying Twitter for $44 billion and turning it into a bad group chat, and naming his child “X Æ A-12” (a name rejected even by Star Wars fans), Musk has proven that his contributions to society are as messy as they are memorable.

Elon Musk’s influence on American democracy is proving to be a double-edged sword, with many critics arguing he’s wielding his power recklessly. By turning Twitter (now X) into a megaphone for conspiracy theories and misinformation, Musk has amplified divisive rhetoric, making the platform a haven for chaos rather than constructive discourse. His actions during the 2024 election, such as allowing content that undermined trust in the democratic process to flourish, arguably tilted the scales in favor of political extremism. By normalizing false narratives and prioritizing “free speech” policies that cater to sensationalism over truth, Musk has helped erode the already fragile trust Americans have in their institutions.

Now, Musk’s attention is shifting to Europe, but the damage to America is already evident. His approach to content moderation, or lack thereof, has emboldened bad actors, spread disinformation, and widened ideological rifts. The prioritization of engagement at the expense of accuracy has not only corrupted the public discourse but also left voters more polarized and misinformed than ever before. Musk’s unchecked influence demonstrates the risks of entrusting vital platforms of communication to billionaires whose motivations often appear aligned more with personal amusement than public responsibility.

“Few individuals can change history while leaving behind such an unflattering legacy,” said Dr. Linda Stoolwater, a leading expert in dubious accomplishments. “But Musk’s ability to stir global controversy with a single tweet about Dogecoin is a close rival to the turd that took down the King.”

A Race to the Bottom

The debate over Musk’s placement on the list intensified after his recent pivot to turning Twitter (now X, for some inexplicable reason) into a platform that charges $8 for people to be ignored more efficiently. Critics argue that this move alone warrants his elevation to #2 on the list, as it has fundamentally changed the way people waste time online.

“Elon Musk’s actions have undoubtedly reshaped the digital landscape,” said cultural critic Bryan Flushing. “But unlike the Elvis Turd, which brought about a swift and conclusive end, Musk’s contributions are more like a slow, lingering intestinal discomfort for humanity.”

Musk Responds

Unsurprisingly, Musk took to X to address the announcement in his trademark style.
“LOL, I’m honored to be #2! But don’t forget: I’ll make Mars sh*ttier too. 🚀💩” he tweeted, sparking 1.2 million likes, 900,000 hate replies, and at least 15 lawsuits.

What’s Next for Musk?

As Musk continues his quest to outdo the Elvis Turd, experts speculate that his future endeavors could include colonizing Mars with Teslas that only charge on Earth or inventing a Neuralink chip that exclusively streams Joe Rogan podcasts.

Regardless of what happens next, one thing is clear: While Musk’s legacy is still unfolding, his place in history—as the world’s second most history-changing piece of sh*t—is firmly secured.

And for now, the Elvis Turd can rest easy atop its porcelain pedestal, a true king among crap.