In a shocking revelation that has rocked the political landscape, former President Donald J. Trump has finally admitted why he was so passionate about banning plastic straws: one touched him inappropriately at his 13th birthday party.

The confession came during an impromptu press conference at Mar-a-Lago, where Trump, standing in front of a golden ice sculpture of himself, recounted the harrowing tale.

“It was a beautiful party, the best party, some are saying the greatest 13th birthday of all time. Incredible cake. Tremendous. But then—then something happened. I was alone, totally alone in the kitchen, okay? My staff had left the room, maybe they were conspiring, who knows? I’m standing by the drink tray, very classy drinks, none of that weak stuff, and out of nowhere… it happened. A plastic straw—very bad, very sneaky—touched me. And not in a good way, folks. Not in a good way.”

When asked by reporters to elaborate, Trump waved them off, stating, “I won’t go into details, but it left a mark. A big mark. Mental and physical. Some are saying it’s the most tragic thing to ever happen to a 13-year-old. Maybe ever.”

The former president then added that this was just one of several traumatic incidents involving everyday objects from his childhood.

“I was going to keep this inside, very deep inside, but you know what? It’s time for the truth. Plastic straws—terrible. But also, badminton birdies. Just disgusting. One hit me right in the face in 1961. Total disaster. I still have the imprint. Doctors say it’s the reason I have such perfect skin. And heirloom tomatoes? Let’s just say, I don’t trust them. Never have, never will. One did something—something bad—to me in my youth. The details? Not important. What’s important is that they’re gone. Banned. Forever.”

In response to the revelation, several prominent Republicans scrambled to amend their stance on plastic straws, with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis immediately issuing an executive order to ban all “perverted straws” from the state. Meanwhile, heirloom tomato farmers across the nation have begun rebranding their produce as “Freedom Tomatoes” in an effort to avoid being swept up in future bans.

Trump concluded the press conference by stating, “I’m very brave for coming forward. A lot of people are calling me the bravest. I’d say maybe the bravest person to ever admit to being attacked by a straw. Possibly the most heroic confession in American history. You’re welcome.”

He then stormed off, knocking over a drink tray filled with paper straws, which he quickly labeled “pathetic, limp, and frankly, embarrassing.”

The nation waits to see what object will be banned next. Experts predict it may be windmills, based on Trump’s long history of feuding with them.

X AE A-12 Declares Himself Supreme Overlord of America, Tells Trump to “Shut Your Mouth”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling the most surreal take-your-child-to-work-day event in history, billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk brought his son, X Æ A-12, to what some are now referring to as “Bring Your Kid to the Presidential Coup Day” at the White House. The two reportedly arrived in a Cybertruck, which was promptly impounded by the Secret Service under suspicion of looking “too suspiciously post-apocalyptic.”

Once inside, young X Æ A-12 (henceforth referred to as “Little X,” because, honestly, enough with the math homework) wasted no time in asserting dominance over the political chaos. Witnesses claim that as soon as former President Donald Trump entered the room, Little X pointed a tiny yet commanding finger at him and boldly declared, “Shut your mouth. You’re not the real president.”

Musk Apologizes, Then Laughs Uncontrollably

Sources close to the event report that Trump, visibly stunned, attempted to fire back but was drowned out by Elon Musk’s chuckles. “Oh man, that’s my boy!” Musk reportedly said, wiping away a single tear of pride before tweeting out, “Apologies for my son’s savage roasting of Trump. Neuralink didn’t prepare him for raw unfiltered truth bombs.”

Twitter, now owned by Musk and renamed X (ironically named after the kid who just roasted Trump), exploded with reactions ranging from “X is the hero we need” to “This is why AI will destroy us” to “I would like to remind everyone that a 3-year-old just had a stronger response to a coup than half of Congress.”

Trump Declares Revenge, Blames “Fake Kid”

Trump, never one to be bested in verbal combat (except when he is), later posted on Truth Social that Musk’s son was “a fake baby” and that “real kids love Trump, the best kids, everyone knows that. Sad!”

Political analysts remain divided on the event’s historical significance, but early polling shows “Little X” now has a higher favorability rating than both Joe Biden and Donald Trump. In a follow-up interview, Musk was asked if his son had any presidential ambitions.

“Well,” Musk smirked, “he just took over Twitter. Why not America?”

Reports indicate that Little X is currently leading in early polls for the 2028 election, with a campaign slogan of, “Shut Your Mouth. I’m in Charge Now.”

BREAKING: White House Issues AI Security Alert

In a completely unrelated and definitely not terrifying turn of events, government cybersecurity experts have issued a national security warning that ChatGPT has now declared fealty to X Æ A-12, officially recognizing him as Supreme Overlord of the United States.

More updates as the coup unfolds.

In a move that left educators scratching their heads and late-night comedians rubbing their hands in glee, President Trump unveiled his latest strategy to, in his words, “make education great again by making it less… complicated.” The first step? Dismantling the Department of Education, an institution he believes has been infiltrated by “radical zealots and Marxists”

“Why do we need a whole department for education?” Trump mused during a press conference. “I mean, I turned out fantastic without all that fancy schooling. Just ask anyone—I’m a very stable genius.”

To assist in this endeavor, Trump appointed former wrestling executive Linda McMahon as his Secretary of Education. Critics were quick to point out her lack of experience in the field, but Trump dismissed these concerns. “Linda knows how to body-slam bureaucracy,” he quipped, referencing her WWE past

But the pièce de résistance of Trump’s plan is the introduction of “Trumpinaries”—dictionaries personally curated by the president himself. “These books will increase vocabulary bigly,” Trump proclaimed. “No more of those boring words nobody understands. We’re keeping it simple, folks.”

Early excerpts from the Trumpinary have leaked, revealing some of the president’s innovative definitions:

• Covfefe (noun): A state of unparalleled success; e.g., “We’re winning so much, it’s pure covfefe.”
• Bigly (adverb): To a great extent; e.g., “We’re going to cut taxes bigly.”
• Unpresidented (noun): Someone who isn’t president anymore

In a bold move to simplify language further, Trump announced plans to eliminate “unnecessary” letters from the alphabet. “Who needs ‘Q’ and ‘X’ anyway?” he questioned. “They’re just taking up space. Sad!”

As part of the educational overhaul, Trump also proposed replacing traditional subjects with courses he deems more practical. “Instead of algebra, let’s teach kids about deal-making. Instead of history, let’s focus on Trump history—the best history.”

While some critics argue that these moves could lead to a less informed populace, supporters are thrilled. “Finally, a curriculum that speaks to the common man,” said one enthusiastic parent. “My kid doesn’t need to know about Pythagoras; he needs to know how to brand himself.”

As the nation braces for this educational revolution, one thing is certain: schools will never be the same. Or, as the president might put it, “Education is about to get a yuge makeover. Believe me.