In a furious rant early Tuesday morning, former President Donald Trump demanded the immediate removal of what he called a “disgusting, horrible, totally unfair” portrait that had been hanging in his private bathroom at Mar-a-Lago. According to close aides, Trump believed the painting was “clearly done by a Democrat artist with no talent” and accused it of making him “look fat, droopy, and suspiciously orange.”

The situation escalated after Trump reportedly summoned an emergency meeting with interior decorators, MAGA memorabilia experts, and a local psychic who once blessed his cheeseburger.

“I don’t know who painted this thing,” Trump told reporters later that day, “but it’s a disaster. It looks like me if I lost all my money, friends, and tanning privileges. My cheeks? Saggy. My eyes? Sad. My lips? Weak. It’s a total hatchet job, folks. Honestly, it looks like a picture Joe Biden would hang in a haunted nursing home.”

Staffers say he attempted to cover the “portrait” with a MAGA beach towel but became enraged when it slipped off during what sources are calling a “highly confidential, late-night Taco Bowl incident.”

It was only after Eric Trump entered the room—while reportedly searching for his missing Lego Darth Vader—that he gently informed his father that the offensive image was not a painting at all, but rather a full-length mirror.

“I told him, ‘Dad, that’s you. It’s always been you,’” Eric explained. “He looked at me like I just told him Diet Coke was a hoax.”

After a prolonged silence and a full minute of finger-pointing at his own reflection, Trump finally responded, “Fake mirror. Probably installed by Obama.”

Since the incident, the Mar-a-Lago maintenance team has confirmed that all reflective surfaces in Trump’s personal quarters have been replaced with oil paintings of him from 1987. A memo was also issued to staff forbidding the use of the words “mirror,” “natural lighting,” or “human pores” in his presence.

Meanwhile, Truth Social was flooded with all-caps posts accusing mirrors of being “DECEPTIVE,” “WOKE,” and “UNBELIEVABLY RUDE TO MY JAWLINE.” A new hashtag, #BanMirrors, has begun trending among his supporters, who are calling for “patriotic alternatives to this liberal glass.”

In a later statement, Trump promised to “launch an investigation into mirror fraud” and teased a line of “Trump Reflectors,” which are rumored to only show you at your best angle — or Ivanka’s, depending on the setting.

When asked if he now accepted that the image was, in fact, his own reflection, Trump responded, “I’ve never seen that man before in my life.”

White House historians are calling it the most profound misunderstanding of mirrors since Narcissus fell into a pond.

“It’s not a leak if you shout it into a whiskey glass,” says Hegseth.

In what Pentagon officials are calling “a bold reinterpretation of the word ‘classified,’” former Fox News host and unintentional defense contractor Pete Hegseth has reportedly launched a new website called WhiskeyLeaks, a platform where he gets absolutely hammered and uploads sensitive military communications, thinking it’s just a group chat with “the boys.”

The scandal follows recent revelations that Hegseth used Signal—a secure messaging app typically reserved for encrypted conversations between spies and very dramatic teenagers—to discuss military operations with individuals connected to the Trump administration. Unfortunately, in a move described as “too on-brand to be parody,” Hegseth may have accidentally added a national security reporter from The Atlantic to the group.

“It was supposed to be me, some Freedom Caucus guys, and a retired Marine who goes by ‘WarDaddy420,’” Hegseth explained. “Next thing I know, I’m getting these long texts like, ‘This is off the record, but I’m publishing this tomorrow,’ and I’m like, who the hell is Jeffrey Goldberg?”

The leak in question allegedly involved the U.S. military’s plans to keep a small number of troops in Syria. But instead of the information being safely stored in a digital vault, it was dropped like a meatball on grandma’s carpet—right in the middle of a Signal thread that Hegseth ran like a fantasy football league.

To capitalize on the attention, Hegseth unveiled WhiskeyLeaks, a web platform he described as “the drunk uncle of WikiLeaks,” where every post is written after at least four fingers of bourbon and a quick glance at something marked “Top Secret.”

So far, the site features a mix of classified documents, incoherent political rants, and barbecue recipes allegedly pulled from a Joint Chiefs of Staff cookout. One post titled “Operation Beef Thunder: Why We’re Really in the Middle East” is just a jpeg of a map with the words “OIL AND VIBES” drawn in with what appears to be mustard.

“The thing is, when you’re drunk on freedom—and also a decent amount of Wild Turkey—you stop seeing lines between secrecy and patriotism,” Hegseth said during a WhiskeyLeaks livestream, holding a tumbler and what looked suspiciously like a Pentagon access badge. “America deserves the truth. And also, ribs.”

Security experts are concerned.

“Not since Julian Assange tried to fax the CIA a meme of himself on a horse has there been such a reckless approach to state secrets,” said one analyst. “And this time it smells like Axe Body Spray and pork fat.”

When asked about the potential legal consequences, Hegseth shrugged, saying, “If they want to stop me, they can try me in the Court of Public Option.” He may have meant “Court of Public Opinion” but was reportedly three bourbons deep and watching Rambo III on mute at the time.

Despite bipartisan calls to shut down WhiskeyLeaks, the site is reportedly getting massive traffic—from conspiracy theorists, confused veterans, and one Russian guy named “Mike H.” who insists he’s “just here for the memes.”

Hegseth, ever the visionary, says he’s not stopping there. “Next project? CNN,” he said, dramatically pausing before clarifying: “Cocaine Night News. It’s like Vice, but with fewer rules and way more helicopters.”

No word yet on whether Cocaine Night News will feature actual journalism or just blurry footage of Hegseth trying to interview a bald eagle at 2 a.m. Either way, it’s expected to launch as soon as he figures out how to upload video from his camo GoPro and someone explains to him that cocaine is, in fact, illegal.