Trump Declares Plan to Reopen Azkaban, Citing Threat of ‘Dark Magic’ in Opposition
President Donald J. Trump announced today his intention to reopen the prison Azkaban, asserting that those opposing his administration are under the influence of “dark
Republicans Demand Apology After Trump Caught Sleeping at Pope’s Funeral: “See? He Sleeps Next to Melania!”
Republicans are calling on Democrats to retract years of speculation about the state of Donald and Melania Trump’s marriage after video footage surfaced showing the
Pete Hegseth Accidentally Scribbles Top Secret War Plans on TGI Fridays Receipt After One Too Many Double Berry Mojitos
In what Pentagon officials are calling “an unhelpful but somehow completely on-brand incident,” Trump ally and White House “special military advisor” Pete Hegseth reportedly accidentally
Democrats Unveil Bold 12-Point Plan to Announce Future Plans to Possibly Consider a Plan to Stop Trump
In a triumphant display of vague ambition and master-level PowerPoint transitions, the Democratic National Committee proudly announced a new 12-Point Plan to Announce a Plan
Vice President JD Vance Fumbles Trophy, Claims Lack of Prior Trophy Experience
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President JD Vance found himself at the center of a viral moment after dramatically fumbling the Ohio State Buckeyes’ championship trophy
Most Americans Now Wish They Were Elon Musk’s Kids — So They’d Never Have to See Him
In a shocking display of national unity, a recent poll revealed that 78% of Americans now wish they were Elon Musk’s children, citing one main
Trump’s Neck-Vagina Enters Labor, Will Soon Birth New Vice President as JD Vance Nears Expiration
Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a shocking but medically unconfirmed development, former President Donald J. Trump has announced that his neck-vagina—the long-suspected fleshy fold resting just
TRUMP ASSURES AMERICANS HE’S IN TOUCH: “I KNOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH A GALLON OF EGGS COSTS”
PALM BEACH, FL — In a press conference held outside his gold-plated Mar-a-Lago breakfast buffet, former President Donald Trump took the podium Thursday morning to
America’s New Motto: “Stop Hitting Yourself”
In a bold rebranding move, the United States has unveiled its new national tagline: “Stop Hitting Yourself.” This comes in the wake of President Donald
JD Vance Licks Greenland, Claims It for Trump
In a bold display of foreign policy meets freezer burn, Vice President JD Vance traveled to Greenland, knelt down, gave the ice a hearty lick,
Elon Musk Asked to Point to Tesla Bot to Show Where Protestors Hurt Him
“Right here,” he sniffled, tapping the robot’s chest. “Right in the innovation.” In a moment that had Capitol Hill staffers fighting back giggles and secondhand
GOP Officials Sound Alarm Over Eggplant-Shaped Missiles After Reading Additional Texts
Washington, D.C. — In what can only be described as a stunning blend of national security panic and digital illiteracy, several prominent GOP officials have
Trump Outraged by “Ugly” Portrait in His Bathroom, Turns Out It Was Just a Mirror
In a furious rant early Tuesday morning, former President Donald Trump demanded the immediate removal of what he called a “disgusting, horrible, totally unfair” portrait
Pete Hegseth Launches New Site ‘WhiskeyLeaks’
“It’s not a leak if you shout it into a whiskey glass,” says Hegseth. In what Pentagon officials are calling “a bold reinterpretation of the
Trump Finally Reveals Dark Childhood Trauma Behind Plastic Straw Ban
In a shocking revelation that has rocked the political landscape, former President Donald J. Trump has finally admitted why he was so passionate about banning
Elon Musk Celebrates “Bring Your Kid to the Presidential Coup Day” at the White House
X AE A-12 Declares Himself Supreme Overlord of America, Tells Trump to “Shut Your Mouth” WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling the most
250 MILLION AMERICANS SCREAM “BINGO!” AS TRUMP SPEEDRUNS THE APOCALYPSE
In an event that will go down in history as either the loudest synchronized scream or the final desperate cry of a collapsing nation, 250
Trump Determinded to Make ‘Mericans as Dumb As Him, Or More Dumber
In a move that left educators scratching their heads and late-night comedians rubbing their hands in glee, President Trump unveiled his latest strategy to, in
Trump’s First Executive Order: Granting Himself A Kagillion More Executive Orders
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On his very first day as President, Donald J. Trump made history yet again. In a move that stunned scholars, political analysts,
National Flags to Fly at Half-Flaccid for the Next Four Years
The Department of State announced today that all U.S. flags—state and national—will fly at “half-flaccid” to honor the inauguration of Donald Trump. Officials clarified that
Ban of TikTok Will Force Thousands To Find Other Websites To Convince You That You Can Make A Watermelon Look and Taste Like Steak
TikTok—the beloved app that made viral watermelon steak tutorials a household phenomenon—is facing a potential nationwide ban, leaving Gen Z creators scrambling to find alternative
America Finally Finds Common Ground as Americans Agree They Have No Clue Who Robbie Williams Is
UNITY IN 2025!!! In a stunning display of rare and historic unity, the United States of America has come together as one to declare: “We
Elon Musk Becomes 2nd Most History-Changing “Piece of Sh*t” After the Elvis Incident
In a groundbreaking development in the annals of absurd historical milestones, Elon Musk has officially been declared the second most history-changing piece of shit—just behind
President-Elect Trump Spends Christmas Claiming Gifts with “Mine!” Methodology
Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In what observers are calling a “bold and festive display of manifest destiny,” President-elect Donald Trump reportedly spent Christmas Day asserting ownership
House Ethics Committee Shocked to Discover Matt Gaetz’s Complete Lack of Ethics
The House Ethics Committee has concluded that former Congressman Matt Gaetz possesses absolutely no ethics whatsoever. This finding comes after an exhaustive investigation into allegations
