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In a last act of loyalty, late Home Depot co-founder Bernard Marcus has reportedly made clear that his political intentions will remain as vibrant as his impact on the home improvement industry—even from beyond the grave. Before passing, Marcus expressed little concern over his absence in this election cycle, confident that his votes, totaling six for Donald Trump, would still...

former President Donald Trump and Senator J.D. Vance held a press conference yesterday to issue a formal apology to the women of America, acknowledging that their previous dismissive comments might have been in poor taste. Both men, however, sheepishly admitted that they simply hadn’t realized women were part of the voter pool. “Look, in my defense, back when I learned...

Washington, D.C. — As Donald Trump continues his quest to retake the White House, a growing number of Republican staffers are quietly voicing concerns—not about his poll numbers, his legal troubles, or his controversial policies—but about his ability to continue one of his more infamous pastimes: sexually harassing women. In off-the-record conversations with Fox News, several Republican aides expressed doubts...

Oklahoma City, OK — Oklahoma’s State Superintendent of Public Instruction, Ryan Walters, known for his recent push to reintroduce the Bible into schools, is now taking his campaign for moral purity to new heights—or rather, new inflatables. In an unexpected turn during a press conference, Walters unveiled his latest legislative proposal: a requirement that all blow-up sex dolls sold in...

Ex First Lady Melania Trump has officially declared her support for legalized abortion—but with a catch. Standing in front of a dramatically oversized portrait of herself in her signature “I don’t really sleep with my husband, do u?” jacket, Melania addressed a small gathering of loyal fans and bewildered reporters at her Florida home, Mar-a-Lago, this past Tuesday. “For too...

J.D. Vance’s vice presidential campaign team has reportedly decided to substitute Vance with a puppet for the upcoming debate against Tim Walz. The decision, sources say, is aimed at making Vance appear “more relatable and human.” “We’ve tried everything,” said an anonymous campaign insider. “Coaching, empathy training, even forcing him to binge-watch Ted Lasso. But somehow, voters still say Vance...

Senator J.D. Vance has announced that henceforth, he will only deliver his campaign speeches while hiding behind bushes. The decision, Vance explained at a press conference (from behind a row of expertly trimmed hedges), is part of an effort to “come off as less creepy” to the American public. “Look, I’m a reasonable guy,” Vance said, his disembodied voice carrying...

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has declared a “State of Emergency” for his rapidly sinking poll numbers. The announcement came during a hastily organized press conference in front of a deflating “DeSantis 2024” banner, where the governor reassured the public that his administration is fully prepared to “combat the poll disaster with the same vigor we handle hurricanes, and by that,...

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has allegedly hired a crack team of street hypnotists to perform the ultimate act of political magic: making voters forget he ever ran for president. Sources close to the RFK Jr. campaign (a guy named Steve with a trench coat and too much cologne) say that since Kennedy has been unsuccessful in trying to remove himself...

Somewhere in Ohio— As the campaign trail blazes on, there is one man who finds himself with an abundance of time to ponder the future—a future that includes, in his wildest dreams, the vice presidency of the United States. That man is J.D. Vance, the best-selling author, senator, and Hillbilly Elegy scribe, who has found himself on a peculiar journey...

Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a move that has left legal experts scrambling for words, former President Donald Trump held a press conference today to declare that all charges against him should be dropped on the grounds of “absolute and total insanity.” Flanked by his legal team, who appeared to be alternating between nervous sweating and attempting to hide their smirks,...

Arlington, VA — In an event that will surely go down in history as one of the most surreal and controversial moments of the 2024 campaign trail, former President Donald Trump’s attempt to commemorate the third anniversary of the tragic attack in Afghanistan was abruptly interrupted by an unexpected and unprecedented protest. As Trump stood solemnly for a photo opportunity...

New York, NY — In a surprising twist of linguistic dexterity, several Fox News hosts have assured their viewers that any controversial comments they’ve made—whether it be about misogyny, homophobia, or other sensitive topics—should be understood in their original German context. Jesse Watters, the anchor known for his no-holds-barred commentary, took to the airwaves Monday night to defend his recent...

In what can only be described as a tragic defeat for the pillow tycoon turned political crusader, Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow, was recently caught on camera losing a tussle with a 12-year-old child at the Democratic National Convention (DNC). But while the liberal media has been quick to air the footage of this humiliating loss on an endless loop,...

“If I haven’t seen my own penis in six years, there’s no way he could have.” Palm Beach, FL – Former President Donald Trump is reportedly livid after a recent joke made by Barack Obama about his supposed inability to see his own penis, leading to an uncharacteristically personal feud between the two former commanders-in-chief. The controversy began when Obama,...

In a bizarre twist that only George Santos could deliver, the former Congressman from New York’s 3rd District is reportedly set to plead guilty to federal charges today. But there’s a catch—Santos has informed prosecutors that they might have a tough time seeing him in court. Why? Because, according to him, he’s now invisible. Yes, you read that right. The...

In a recent press conference that left the nation scratching its collective head, Senator J.D. Vance made an impassioned plea for the American public to stop comparing him to himself. The Ohio senator, known for his ever-shifting positions and baffling public statements, expressed frustration that the media and the public insist on holding him accountable for the words and actions...

Former President Donald Trump took aim at Minnesota Governor Tim Walz for what he described as a “glaring lack of commitment to presidential aesthetics.” “Look at Tim Walz. Have you ever seen a more unprepared candidate?” Trump said, gesturing to a blown-up image of Walz’s makeup-free face. “No foundation, no eyeliner, not even a touch of concealer. How does he...

Columbus, OH – In a surprising twist, JD Vance’s wife has stepped forward to clarify her husband’s recent controversial comments about women who don’t have children. According to her, Vance’s remarks were not aimed at women who are unable to have children, but rather a specific subset of women he believes are deserving of criticism. “When JD was talking about...

In a controversial new policy proposal, Senator J.D. Vance has taken a stand on what he perceives as a dire threat to the American way of life: the couchless couple. In a recent interview, Vance argued that couples who lack sofas are eroding the fabric of America, one loveseat at a time. “It’s time we address the real issues facing...

In an unprecedented move that has left political analysts scratching their heads and linguists reaching for their whiskey, Ohio Senator J.D. Vance has announced a bold new criterion for presidential eligibility. According to Vance, any candidate whose name he and former President Donald Trump find too difficult to pronounce should be automatically disqualified from running for the highest office in...

In an unexpected turn of events, President Joe Biden has officially dropped out of the presidential race, leaving a nation of resourceful Republicans scratching their heads and getting creative with their now seemingly obsolete “Fuck Joe Biden” signs. Once a proud declaration of disdain, these signs are finding new life in the hands of the GOP faithful, sparking a craft...

In an unprecedented show of bipartisan unity, President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump have joined forces to demand the inclusion of a new frontrunner in their upcoming debate: ‘None of the Above.’ This mysterious candidate, whose popularity has surged in recent polls, seems to resonate deeply with an American public exhausted by traditional political choices. “We need to...

In a courtroom drama that’s giving soap operas a run for their money, the National Enquirer finds itself in the hot seat, and it’s not because of another shocking alien sighting. No, this time it’s because of the Trump hush money trial, and the tabloid’s credibility is taking a nosedive faster than a UFO over Roswell. David Pecker, the former...

Idaho Governor Brad Little has recently noted that due to his success in restricting all rights from anyone NOT a white male, that he managed to shave 200 years off the state. “Look how young our state looks. And as you know, we in Idaho like them young.” In a speech given to a large group of white men, Little...

Trump’s lawyers are looking for more details on his devastating loss Friday in a New York fraud case that threatens the empire. Not only is the Ex-President forced to pay $355 in fines, but he is also ineligible do business in the State of New York for the next 3 years. Lawyers are looking for a response to the question...

“Sometimes you have to take a giant Trump” Former President Donald Trump addressed the rumors swirling around his extravagant taste in toilets. With a characteristic blend of bravado and bluntness, Trump tackled head-on the speculation that his lavatories were merely gilded props for show. “Let me tell you folks, these solid gold toilets were not a vanity project,” Trump declared,...

Supporters of former President Donald Trump are finding themselves in an unexpected financial pickle after Trump’s loss in a defamation case filed by writer E. Jean Carroll. The court’s ruling, to the tune of a staggering 83 million dollars, has left many Trump loyalists scratching their heads and their wallets. The case stems from Carroll’s accusation that Trump sexually assaulted...

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis suspended his Republican presidential campaign on Sunday, ending his 2024 White House bid just before the New Hampshire primary while endorsing his bitter rival Donald Trump. Many have taken to the streets to protest his early exit. Demanding he goes to full term with his campaign. The Political Run debate in America is often framed as...

A federal judge ruled to unseal hundreds of court documents from a lawsuit related to deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein on Wednesday. Those documents include over 150 names deriving from a civil lawsuit against Ghislaine Maxwell, who was sentenced last year to 20 years in prison on sex trafficking and other charges for helping Epstein sexually abuse teenage girls. Just hours...

Leaked this week were Donald J. Trump’s burial plans. In the leaked documents it shows a monument of “Huge Proportions” to be erected following the death of Donald Trump. It was detailed that the Monument will be made of solid gold and bear the likeness of Donald Trump and his family kneeling before him.  Also laid out in the documents...

Former President Donald Trump found himself in the crosshairs of Colorado’s Supreme Court after learning that he had been disqualified from the state’s presidential primary ballot. The reason? Well, it turns out that even the mastermind behind the “You’re Fired!” catchphrase can’t always navigate the intricate terrain of the United States map. Fresh off the news of his disqualification, Trump...

In a shocking turn of events, former New York City mayor and avid courtroom enthusiast Rudy Giuliani finds himself in a legal quagmire of his own making. Reports have emerged that Giuliani is on the hook for a whopping $150 million in damages owed to two Georgia election workers, and his solution to cover the costs is nothing short of...

In an unexpected turn of events, former President Donald Trump recently expressed concerns that President Joe Biden might outshine him in the impeachment arena. Trump, who once considered impeachment his own version of a reality TV show, now frets that Biden could steal the limelight with even more impeachments. “I had the best impeachments, folks, the best. Nobody does impeachments...

A recent poll has revealed that the recent Republican debate in Alabama was a battle of the yawns, as Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, former United Nations Ambassador Nikki Haley, biotech entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy, and former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie were all equally boring. It seems the only thing they debated successfully was who could put the audience to sleep...

House Leader Mike Johnson has proposed an unconventional idea to make January 6 riot footage more palatable for Republicans. In a recent press conference, Johnson declared that blurring faces on the infamous footage would make it easier for GOP members to, well, enjoy the scenes without feeling conflicted. The Louisiana congressman, known for his outside-the-box thinking, confidently stated, “We’ve been...

In a surprising turn of celestial events, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was taken aback upon his arrival in heaven to find it not quite the pearly gates and fluffy clouds he had envisioned. Instead, he was welcomed by a rather toasty atmosphere, with celestial flames flickering in the distance. Reports suggest that Kissinger, famous for his diplomatic prowess...