In an almost too-familiar return to the cabinet-assembling scene, Donald Trump is confident his latest picks, which reportedly include names like Matt Gaetz, Stephen Miller, Elon Musk, and Pete Hegseth, will take much longer to turn against him. “Look, this time, I’m giving myself at least a full year before someone starts writing a tell-all or subpoenaing me,” Trump reportedly...
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Boomer Thanksgiving in Crisis as Trump Victory Leaves Family With Nothing to Scream About
“Running out of clouds to yell at!” November 2024 – Across the country, a cloud of anxiety looms over Thanksgiving gatherings as millions of Boomer parents, aunts, and uncles struggle to find a suitable topic to argue about over the dinner table. Following Trump’s unexpected victory, the traditional feast-day yelling that once united families in a blaze of cross-table animosity...
Google Reports Highest-Ever Search Term Following Trump’s Reelection: “Holy Fucking Shit What Just Happened Did He Get Reelected How Do I Buy a House in Canada?”
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In an unprecedented surge of user activity, Google has reported the highest volume search term in the company’s history following former president Donald Trump’s unexpected reelection victory. The leading query? “Holy fucking shit what just happened did he get reelected how do I buy a house in Canada?” closely followed by the second-highest search term, “where...
GOP Assures Voters: Home Depot Co-Founder Bernard Marcus’s 6 Votes for Trump ‘Absolutely Secure’ Posthumously
In a last act of loyalty, late Home Depot co-founder Bernard Marcus has reportedly made clear that his political intentions will remain as vibrant as his impact on the home improvement industry—even from beyond the grave. Before passing, Marcus expressed little concern over his absence in this election cycle, confident that his votes, totaling six for Donald Trump, would still...
Trump and Vance Issue Heartfelt Apology to Female Voters; Admit They Had “No Idea” Women Could Actually Vote
former President Donald Trump and Senator J.D. Vance held a press conference yesterday to issue a formal apology to the women of America, acknowledging that their previous dismissive comments might have been in poor taste. Both men, however, sheepishly admitted that they simply hadn’t realized women were part of the voter pool. “Look, in my defense, back when I learned...
McDonald’s Hit with Lawsuit Over New “Orange Bronzer Fries” – Customers Turn Shades of Trump
McDonald’s is facing a new controversy after customers reported experiencing severe illness—not from E. coli this time, but from an unexpected ingredient found in their beloved fries: Donald Trump’s signature orange bronzer. This scandal comes hot on the heels of a viral photo-op involving the former president, where he visited a McDonald’s in downtown Tulsa, personally handing out fries and...
Donald Trump Watch Only Tells You Why Other Watches Can’t Tell Time
Donald Trump has unveiled his latest product: the Trump Timepiece™. This revolutionary watch has promised to redefine how we perceive time, not by telling it accurately, but by telling you why all other watches are complete and total failures. At a flashy press conference in Mar-a-Lago, Trump declared, “I’ve got the best watch, folks. The BEST watch. Everybody’s saying it....
GOP Staffers Privately Worried About Trump’s Cognatives Ability to Sexually Assault in 2025
Washington, D.C. — As Donald Trump continues his quest to retake the White House, a growing number of Republican staffers are quietly voicing concerns—not about his poll numbers, his legal troubles, or his controversial policies—but about his ability to continue one of his more infamous pastimes: sexually harassing women. In off-the-record conversations with Fox News, several Republican aides expressed doubts...
Gov. Ron DeSantis Declares Trump Bible as Perfect Emergency Toilet Paper Amid Hurricane Milton Crisis
Tallahassee, FL – As Hurricane Milton slams into Florida, leaving thousands scrambling for basic necessities like food, water, and a decent Wi-Fi signal, Governor Ron DeSantis has stepped up to address the growing concern over one critical shortage: toilet paper. At a press conference today, DeSantis announced that while the state has stockpiles of canned goods and sandbags, there is...
Elon Musk Just Snatched the Top Spot on Forbes’ Creepiest Billionaire List—Mark Zuckerberg’s Tears are Digital
Move over, Zuck, there’s a new creeper in town, and it’s none other than Elon Musk! That’s right, the man who once challenged Vladimir Putin to single combat over the fate of Ukraine has now bested Mark Zuckerberg to claim the number one spot on Forbes‘ illustrious “Creepiest Billionaire” list. It’s been a nail-biting race, but Musk, who has never...
Ryan Walters Proposes Mandatory Trump Blow-Up Dolls to Strengthen National Morals
Oklahoma City, OK — Oklahoma’s State Superintendent of Public Instruction, Ryan Walters, known for his recent push to reintroduce the Bible into schools, is now taking his campaign for moral purity to new heights—or rather, new inflatables. In an unexpected turn during a press conference, Walters unveiled his latest legislative proposal: a requirement that all blow-up sex dolls sold in...
Melania Trump Breaks Silence: ‘Legalize Abortion for Any Porn Star My Husband Impregnates’
Ex First Lady Melania Trump has officially declared her support for legalized abortion—but with a catch. Standing in front of a dramatically oversized portrait of herself in her signature “I don’t really sleep with my husband, do u?” jacket, Melania addressed a small gathering of loyal fans and bewildered reporters at her Florida home, Mar-a-Lago, this past Tuesday. “For too...
Pete Rose Banned from Heaven After Being Caught Betting on His Own Dead Pool
Heaven (October 1, 2024) – In a stunning turn of celestial events, Pete Rose, the legendary baseball star who was infamously banned from Major League Baseball for gambling, has now found himself banned from heaven after an even more shocking revelation: he placed a bet on his own death in a heavenly dead pool. Sources close to the pearly gates...
Breaking: J.D. Vance’s Campaign Strategists to Replace Him with Puppet for Tuesday Debate to Make Him Look More Human
J.D. Vance’s vice presidential campaign team has reportedly decided to substitute Vance with a puppet for the upcoming debate against Tim Walz. The decision, sources say, is aimed at making Vance appear “more relatable and human.” “We’ve tried everything,” said an anonymous campaign insider. “Coaching, empathy training, even forcing him to binge-watch Ted Lasso. But somehow, voters still say Vance...
P. Diddy Changes Name Again in Attempt to Escape Legal Troubles: “I Am Now… Probably Not Diddy”
The artist formerly known as Puffy, Puff, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, and, most recently, Love, has decided to change his name yet again in hopes of dodging his current legal issues. Sources close to the hip-hop mogul say Sean Combs, or whatever he’s calling himself today, believes a new identity might confuse the court system—perhaps just enough for him...
J.D. Vance Announces New Campaign Strategy: Delivering Speeches from Behind Bushes to Appear ‘Less Creepy’
Senator J.D. Vance has announced that henceforth, he will only deliver his campaign speeches while hiding behind bushes. The decision, Vance explained at a press conference (from behind a row of expertly trimmed hedges), is part of an effort to “come off as less creepy” to the American public. “Look, I’m a reasonable guy,” Vance said, his disembodied voice carrying...
DeSantis Declares ‘State of Emergency’ for His Poll Numbers
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has declared a “State of Emergency” for his rapidly sinking poll numbers. The announcement came during a hastily organized press conference in front of a deflating “DeSantis 2024” banner, where the governor reassured the public that his administration is fully prepared to “combat the poll disaster with the same vigor we handle hurricanes, and by that,...
Thousands of Republican Women Devour Their Own Young to Prove They Too Don’t Need Children
In a move that has stunned political pundits and family dinner tables alike, thousands of Republican women across the country have chosen to literally eat their young in an effort to prove once and for all that conservative women, like their Democratic counterparts, do not require children to assert political or personal power. The mass self-cannibalization campaign, dubbed “Operation No...
Donald Trump Jr. Launches New TikTok Account Featuring Stray Cat and Dog Recipes: First Recipe, Tabby Cat Casserole
In what many are calling his most creative endeavor yet, Donald Trump Jr. has taken to TikTok with an unexpected and highly controversial new series of videos. Titled Neighborhood Nom Noms, the series aims to teach Americans how to cook delicious, homey meals using stray cats and dogs “liberated” from local yards, alleyways, and, in some cases, front porches. His...
RFK Jr. Hires Elite Street Hypnotists to Erase His Name from the Presidential Ballot
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has allegedly hired a crack team of street hypnotists to perform the ultimate act of political magic: making voters forget he ever ran for president. Sources close to the RFK Jr. campaign (a guy named Steve with a trench coat and too much cologne) say that since Kennedy has been unsuccessful in trying to remove himself...
Georgia Governor Signs Controversial ‘Fetal Self-Defense’ Bill into Law
Atlanta, GA — In a move that has left both lawmakers and citizens scratching their heads, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp signed into law the “Fetal Self-Defense Act” yesterday afternoon. The legislation mandates that all pregnant women equip their unborn children with concealed weapons “to protect against potential threats,” a move proponents say will deter abortion providers and critics call “absurd...
J.D. Vance Claims He Has Plenty Of Time to Think Policy as He Eats Lunch Alone Daily on the Campaign Trail
Somewhere in Ohio— As the campaign trail blazes on, there is one man who finds himself with an abundance of time to ponder the future—a future that includes, in his wildest dreams, the vice presidency of the United States. That man is J.D. Vance, the best-selling author, senator, and Hillbilly Elegy scribe, who has found himself on a peculiar journey...
Trump Declares Insanity Defense: “I’m Crazy, So Let Me Go!”
Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a move that has left legal experts scrambling for words, former President Donald Trump held a press conference today to declare that all charges against him should be dropped on the grounds of “absolute and total insanity.” Flanked by his legal team, who appeared to be alternating between nervous sweating and attempting to hide their smirks,...
Democrats Unveil Bold Plan to Win Back the South by 2076: “We’re in No Rush,” Says DNC
In a stunning display of long-term planning, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) today announced an ambitious strategy to reclaim the South by the year 2076. “We’ve been playing the long game,” said a DNC spokesperson, “and we’re confident that by the time America celebrates its tricentennial, we’ll have made significant inroads.” The plan, which includes a combination of outreach to...
Trump’s Arlington Cemetery Photo Op Cut Short as 400,000 Veterans Turn Over In Their Graves
Arlington, VA — In an event that will surely go down in history as one of the most surreal and controversial moments of the 2024 campaign trail, former President Donald Trump’s attempt to commemorate the third anniversary of the tragic attack in Afghanistan was abruptly interrupted by an unexpected and unprecedented protest. As Trump stood solemnly for a photo opportunity...
Chinese SMS Scammers Take a Well-Deserved Break to Play Black Myth: Wukong During Release Week
Beijing, China – In an unprecedented and heartwarming show of camaraderie and self-care, the world’s most notorious SMS scammers have decided to put their work on hold to enjoy a week-long gaming binge of the newly released Black Myth: Wukong. The scam industry, usually known for its relentless pursuit of unsuspecting smartphone users with fake shipping notifications and “urgent” banking...
Carolina Panthers MATHEMATICALLY Eliminated from 2027 NFL Playoffs
Charlotte, NC — In what has been described as a “bold new chapter in sports history,” the Carolina Panthers have become the first team to be mathematically eliminated from the NFL playoffs before playing a single game in the 2027 season. The unprecedented announcement came from the NFL headquarters this morning, where Commissioner Roger Goodell cited “extensive mathematical modeling” and...
Fox News Hosts Reassure Viewers: “It All Makes Sense in the Original German”
New York, NY — In a surprising twist of linguistic dexterity, several Fox News hosts have assured their viewers that any controversial comments they’ve made—whether it be about misogyny, homophobia, or other sensitive topics—should be understood in their original German context. Jesse Watters, the anchor known for his no-holds-barred commentary, took to the airwaves Monday night to defend his recent...
IDPL Sues JD Vance for Ruining Donuts’ Sexy Reputation After Awkward Campaign Stop
Valdosta, GA — The International Donut and Pastry League (IDPL) announced today that they are suing JD Vance, vice presidential candidate and author of “Hillbilly Elegy,” for what they call an “unprecedented attack” on the sex appeal of donuts. The lawsuit comes on the heels of a disastrous photo-op in Valdosta, Georgia, where Vance’s attempts to charm donut shop employees...
Boise Pedophile Matt Melton and Thousands of Perverts Agree With J.D. Vance’s Importance of Children
BOISE IDAHO – Idaho Pedophile Matt Melton stood in front of a large crowd, which they assured was more than 1000 feet from any park or school, to voice their support of Vice President hopeful J.D. Vance. “We love children!” Melton cheered. “The world is nothing without these young, attractive souls!” Vance was quoted saying “We’re effectively run in this...
Mike Lindell Loses to 12-Year-Old at DNC, But Left-Wing Media Ignores His Victory Over 6-Year-Old in Parking Lot Brawl
In what can only be described as a tragic defeat for the pillow tycoon turned political crusader, Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow, was recently caught on camera losing a tussle with a 12-year-old child at the Democratic National Convention (DNC). But while the liberal media has been quick to air the footage of this humiliating loss on an endless loop,...
Trump Outraged by Obama’s Joke About His Penis
“If I haven’t seen my own penis in six years, there’s no way he could have.” Palm Beach, FL – Former President Donald Trump is reportedly livid after a recent joke made by Barack Obama about his supposed inability to see his own penis, leading to an uncharacteristically personal feud between the two former commanders-in-chief. The controversy began when Obama,...
Trump Staunchly Defends Photos of Lincoln Wearing Trump Shirt: “This is 100% Real, Folks!”
In a series of impassioned social media posts, former President Donald Trump lashed out at critics who questioned the authenticity of newly surfaced photographs depicting Abraham Lincoln sporting a bright red “TRUMP” shirt. The images, which Trump posted on his Truth Social account, have been met with widespread skepticism, with many claiming they are the product of artificial intelligence. But...
George Santos to Plead Guilty Today, But Claims Prosecutors Won’t See Him—Because He’s Now Invisible!
In a bizarre twist that only George Santos could deliver, the former Congressman from New York’s 3rd District is reportedly set to plead guilty to federal charges today. But there’s a catch—Santos has informed prosecutors that they might have a tough time seeing him in court. Why? Because, according to him, he’s now invisible. Yes, you read that right. The...
J.D. Vance Thinks It’s Unfair to Compare Him to J.D. Vance: “Stop Holding Me to My Own Standards!”
In a recent press conference that left the nation scratching its collective head, Senator J.D. Vance made an impassioned plea for the American public to stop comparing him to himself. The Ohio senator, known for his ever-shifting positions and baffling public statements, expressed frustration that the media and the public insist on holding him accountable for the words and actions...
“Trump’s New Fashion Line: A Dressed-Down Success”
New York, August 2024 – In a move that has taken the fashion world by storm, former President Donald Trump has unveiled his latest venture: a high-end clothing line that has his supporters ready to empty their wallets. The collection, aptly named “The Emperor’s Attire,” features a range of luxurious garments that, according to Trump, “are the finest clothes anyone...
“M. Night Shyamalan’s Latest Twist: Studios Are Still Letting Him Make Films—No One Saw That Coming!”
alike have been left speechless by the revelation. “I was fully prepared for another bizarre plot twist in his latest movie,” said film critic Jenna Faraday, “but the real shocker is that there’s another movie to review at all! It’s like I’m living in an M. Night Shyamalan movie!” The surprise twist came during the premiere of Shyamalan’s latest film,...
President Biden’s Newest Challenge: The TV Remote
Washington, D.C. – In a series of events that has captivated the White House staff, President Joe Biden has found himself in a battle of wits with a formidable opponent: the TV remote. With Vice President Kamala Harris hitting the campaign trail, the Commander-in-Chief is left to navigate the treacherous waters of modern technology solo, and let’s just say, the...
Iranian Hackers Shocked as Trump’s Email Reveals Only a Single Forwarded Message
In what was initially thought to be a major cyber breakthrough, Iranian hackers recently claimed to have successfully breached the email account of former U.S. President Donald Trump. However, instead of uncovering state secrets or international conspiracies, the hackers found themselves in a bizarre situation—Trump’s entire email history consisted of just one message, forwarded thousands of times: “FWD: FWD: FWD:...
Trump Criticizes Tim Walz for Not Wearing Makeup: ‘How Can You Run a Country Without a Good Foundation?’
Former President Donald Trump took aim at Minnesota Governor Tim Walz for what he described as a “glaring lack of commitment to presidential aesthetics.” “Look at Tim Walz. Have you ever seen a more unprepared candidate?” Trump said, gesturing to a blown-up image of Walz’s makeup-free face. “No foundation, no eyeliner, not even a touch of concealer. How does he...
JD Vance Clarifies Controversial Comments: “Only Meant to Insult UGLY Women”
Columbus, OH – In a surprising twist, JD Vance’s wife has stepped forward to clarify her husband’s recent controversial comments about women who don’t have children. According to her, Vance’s remarks were not aimed at women who are unable to have children, but rather a specific subset of women he believes are deserving of criticism. “When JD was talking about...
McDonald’s Faces Unprecedented Sales Drop as Nation Realizes Diarrhea Isn’t Fun
In an unforeseen turn of events, fast-food giant McDonald’s has reported a significant decrease in sales as Americans finally come to grips with the revelation that experiencing diarrhea is, in fact, not enjoyable. Diarrhea Detractors Speak Out “I used to enjoy the thrill of eating a McDouble and playing the ‘Will I or Won’t I’ game with my digestive system,”...
J.D. Vance Proposes “No Couch, No Vote” Policy to Save America’s Sofas
In a controversial new policy proposal, Senator J.D. Vance has taken a stand on what he perceives as a dire threat to the American way of life: the couchless couple. In a recent interview, Vance argued that couples who lack sofas are eroding the fabric of America, one loveseat at a time. “It’s time we address the real issues facing...
J.D. Vance and Donald Trump’s Pronunciation Policy: A New Criterion for Presidential Eligibility?
In an unprecedented move that has left political analysts scratching their heads and linguists reaching for their whiskey, Ohio Senator J.D. Vance has announced a bold new criterion for presidential eligibility. According to Vance, any candidate whose name he and former President Donald Trump find too difficult to pronounce should be automatically disqualified from running for the highest office in...
Republicans Get Crafty: The Post-Biden Sign Revolution
In an unexpected turn of events, President Joe Biden has officially dropped out of the presidential race, leaving a nation of resourceful Republicans scratching their heads and getting creative with their now seemingly obsolete “Fuck Joe Biden” signs. Once a proud declaration of disdain, these signs are finding new life in the hands of the GOP faithful, sparking a craft...
Sticker Mule Shows Support for Trump with “Special” Discount: Half-Price MAGA Hats and Nazi Flags
In a bold and highly questionable move, Sticker Mule has announced an unprecedented show of support for former President Donald Trump. The company is now offering half-price discounts on MAGA hats and Nazi flags for customers who use the promo code #letsgobrandon at checkout. In a press release that left many scratching their heads, Sticker Mule stated, “We believe in...
Richard Simmons Emerges from Hibernation, Sees Shadow, Declares Six More Weeks of Gay Pride Month
Hollywood, CA – In an event that has shocked meteorologists, pop culture enthusiasts, and the LGBTQ+ community alike, beloved fitness guru Richard Simmons emerged from his self-imposed hibernation yesterday. In a bizarre twist of fate, he saw his own shadow, promptly announcing six more weeks of Gay Pride Month. Simmons, who has largely stayed out of the public eye in...
Biden and Trump Demand Leading Candidate ‘None of the Above’ Be Included in Their Next Debate
In an unprecedented show of bipartisan unity, President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump have joined forces to demand the inclusion of a new frontrunner in their upcoming debate: ‘None of the Above.’ This mysterious candidate, whose popularity has surged in recent polls, seems to resonate deeply with an American public exhausted by traditional political choices. “We need to...
Trump Hush Money Trial Could Hurt National Enquirer’s Reputation as Trusted News Source
In a courtroom drama that’s giving soap operas a run for their money, the National Enquirer finds itself in the hot seat, and it’s not because of another shocking alien sighting. No, this time it’s because of the Trump hush money trial, and the tabloid’s credibility is taking a nosedive faster than a UFO over Roswell. David Pecker, the former...
Idaho Accidentally Sets Clocks Back 200 Years
Idaho Governor Brad Little has recently noted that due to his success in restricting all rights from anyone NOT a white male, that he managed to shave 200 years off the state. “Look how young our state looks. And as you know, we in Idaho like them young.” In a speech given to a large group of white men, Little...
Sam Bankman-Fried May Now Trade “BitchCOIN”
Sam Bankman-Fried has been sentenced to 25 years in prison today. A sentence that could be reduced with good behavior. Bankman-Fried, 32, was convicted in November of fraud and conspiracy — a dramatic fall from a crest of success that included a Super Bowl advertisement and celebrity endorsements from stars like quarterback Tom Brady, basketball star Stephen Curry, and comedian...
Presidents’ Day Now Will Add Asterisk To Signify “MOST” Presidents
Presidents’ Day, authorities have announced a significant amendment to the holiday’s celebration. Henceforth, Presidents’ Day will come with a subtle asterisk, signifying the inclusion of “MOST” presidents. This nuanced adjustment aims to acknowledge the vast majority of leaders who have graced the Oval Office while tactfully sidestepping a select few who might not be everyone’s cup of tea. The decision...
Trump’s Lawyers Ask Judge if Business Ban Will Still Allow Him to Commit Fraud in New York
Trump’s lawyers are looking for more details on his devastating loss Friday in a New York fraud case that threatens the empire. Not only is the Ex-President forced to pay $355 in fines, but he is also ineligible do business in the State of New York for the next 3 years. Lawyers are looking for a response to the question...
Lesbian Online Relationship Ends Terribly When Both Men Meet
Harlong, Nebraska – A long-term lesbian relationship went up in flames this week when both parties reluctantly met for the first time. Matt “Hot_tongue1169” Phillips and Terrance “NE146D9” Mapps, both of Harlong, have been conducting an online relationship since October 1998. Seth Chambers, a friend of Phillips, explains. “Matt started impersonating female Hot_Tongue1169 in lesbian chat rooms over 5 years...
Trump Clears the Air on His Lavish Lavatories
“Sometimes you have to take a giant Trump” Former President Donald Trump addressed the rumors swirling around his extravagant taste in toilets. With a characteristic blend of bravado and bluntness, Trump tackled head-on the speculation that his lavatories were merely gilded props for show. “Let me tell you folks, these solid gold toilets were not a vanity project,” Trump declared,...
Trump Supporters’ Bank Accounts Feel the ‘Yuge’ Sting: As they are Ordered to Pay 83 Million After Trump’s Defamation Fiasco
Supporters of former President Donald Trump are finding themselves in an unexpected financial pickle after Trump’s loss in a defamation case filed by writer E. Jean Carroll. The court’s ruling, to the tune of a staggering 83 million dollars, has left many Trump loyalists scratching their heads and their wallets. The case stems from Carroll’s accusation that Trump sexually assaulted...
Pro-Campaigners Demand DeSantis’ Presidental Run Must Go Full Term
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis suspended his Republican presidential campaign on Sunday, ending his 2024 White House bid just before the New Hampshire primary while endorsing his bitter rival Donald Trump. Many have taken to the streets to protest his early exit. Demanding he goes to full term with his campaign. The Political Run debate in America is often framed as...
Hallmark Introduces “I Demand An Apology” Greeting Cards
Hallmark has introduced a new line of greeting cards called “I Demand An Apology”. Sold in boxes of 500, Hallmark expects monthly net income to jump by at least 20%. If the political climate in Washington continues to deteriorate at its present rate net income could easily triple by the end of the year. Wanting to milk both sides of...
Please Check The Expiration Date on Your Birth Certificate
In a stunning revelation that has left the nation collectively scratching its head, it turns out that birth certificates come with expiration dates! Cue the gasps, double-takes, and a resounding “Wait, what?” echoing across the land. As people flock to their dusty drawers and attics in search of this unexpected ticking time bomb, conspiracy theories are starting to emerge –...
Studies Show That White Girls Spend 17% of Their Lives Thinking About Cutting Their Bangs
The data revealed that White girls’ thoughts about bangs peak during mundane activities like grocery shopping, sitting in traffic, or even attending mandatory office meetings. In fact, 72% of participants admitted to mentally measuring the ideal bang length during particularly dull moments. On the other side, studies show that white men spend 19% of their lives wondering what life would...
Unsealed Documents from Jeffrey Epstein Case Hang Themselves Hours Before Being Released.
A federal judge ruled to unseal hundreds of court documents from a lawsuit related to deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein on Wednesday. Those documents include over 150 names deriving from a civil lawsuit against Ghislaine Maxwell, who was sentenced last year to 20 years in prison on sex trafficking and other charges for helping Epstein sexually abuse teenage girls. Just hours...
Trump Proclaims Melania Must Be Buried With Him Upon His Death Unless He Can Find Someone Younger and Hotter
Leaked this week were Donald J. Trump’s burial plans. In the leaked documents it shows a monument of “Huge Proportions” to be erected following the death of Donald Trump. It was detailed that the Monument will be made of solid gold and bear the likeness of Donald Trump and his family kneeling before him. Also laid out in the documents...
Scientists Discover 98% of Those Feeling Imposter Syndrome, are Imposters
Have you ever felt like you weren’t deserving of your success? Have you felt like you are an impostor amongst your peers? You may be suffering from Impostor Syndrome, however, a new study conducted at J.C. Mellencamp University that will be released next week reveals you probably are an impostor. Over the last 3 years research scientists in the behavioral...
Trump Asks If Colorado is One Of The States He Can Find On The Map
Former President Donald Trump found himself in the crosshairs of Colorado’s Supreme Court after learning that he had been disqualified from the state’s presidential primary ballot. The reason? Well, it turns out that even the mastermind behind the “You’re Fired!” catchphrase can’t always navigate the intricate terrain of the United States map. Fresh off the news of his disqualification, Trump...
The Great Annual Mass Text Extravaganza: Millions Anticipate the ‘Merry Xmas’ from Family
In the magical land of smartphones and festive emojis, a heartwarming tradition has emerged, uniting families across the digital realm—the eagerly awaited “Merry Xmas” mass text. As the holiday season approaches, millions of family members brace themselves for the moment when their group chat pings, heralding the arrival of the cheerful, yet predictably generic, holiday greeting. The Anticipation Begins: It...
Kang the Conqueror Sentenced to Community Service: Attempts to Speed Clean with 400 Kangs Foiled by His Younger Self
Kang the Conqueror, the notorious time-traveling villain, has been handed a cosmic-sized sentence of 400 hours of community service for his laundry list of misdeeds, including kidnapping Avengers, obliterating Washington D.C., destroying his own kingdom, and being generally unpleasant. The judge, presumably tired of Kang’s grandiose theatrics, decided that instead of ruling entire timelines, he would rule the highway cleanup...
The Weather Channel Renewed for Another Season of Weather
The Weather Channel has just been picked up for yet another season of everyone’s favorite show The Weather. Fans of the hit series were overjoyed to hear that their daily dose of meteorological excitement will continue, and the network is gearing up for a season that promises to be even stormier than the last. It seems that the network’s unique...
Rudy Giuliani Plans on Suing Himself To Cover Defamation Lawsuit Loss
In a shocking turn of events, former New York City mayor and avid courtroom enthusiast Rudy Giuliani finds himself in a legal quagmire of his own making. Reports have emerged that Giuliani is on the hook for a whopping $150 million in damages owed to two Georgia election workers, and his solution to cover the costs is nothing short of...
Trump’s Impeachment Envy: Worries Biden Might Out-Impeach Him
In an unexpected turn of events, former President Donald Trump recently expressed concerns that President Joe Biden might outshine him in the impeachment arena. Trump, who once considered impeachment his own version of a reality TV show, now frets that Biden could steal the limelight with even more impeachments. “I had the best impeachments, folks, the best. Nobody does impeachments...
Girl Wishes Happy Birthday to 10-Year-Old Dating Profile Picture
“Happy birthday, my eternal wingman!” Sarah exclaimed, tapping her phone screen with glee. “You’ve been catfishing potential suitors for a decade, and you still have a few years to go!” The charm of the photo worked wonders. Several dozen men had been captivated by its timeless allure, leading to first dates in dimly lit bars and cozy coffee shops. Sarah,...
The Game Awards Changes Format to Advertisements Only in 2024
The 2024 Game Awards has officially changed format following this years debacle that upset viewers and developers alike. Geoff Keighley creator and producer of the Game Awards gave a statement earlier today announcing the new format. “We at the game awards take feedback seriously and so moving forward we will be changing our format to 5 hours of game announcements,...
Leather Jacket Files for Divorce from Todd Howard
Todd Howard and his Leather Jacket have filed for divorce after 5 years of marriage The Leather Jacket cited “irreconcilable differences” as the cause for divorce, according to documents obtained by BROKEN NEWZ that were filed with Montgomery County Court on December 11th. There was no date of separation listed. Leather Jacket is seeking Leather Conditioner Support and has also...
New Poll Shows DeSantis, Haley, Ramaswamy, and Christie All Equally Boring In Debate
A recent poll has revealed that the recent Republican debate in Alabama was a battle of the yawns, as Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, former United Nations Ambassador Nikki Haley, biotech entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy, and former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie were all equally boring. It seems the only thing they debated successfully was who could put the audience to sleep...
Florida Chamber of Commerce Furious at Rockstar Games
On December 4th, 2023, Rockstar Games finally gave us a look at the long-anticipated Grand Theft Auto VI. While fans rejoiced from the walk-in basements of their parents’ homes about the upcoming release and escape from their bleak existence in this nothing world, not everyone was happy with the release. The Florida Chamber of Commerce is absolutely furious with Rockstar....
Tesla’s Cybertruck Named Official Vehicle for The End of The World
The wait is finally over! Tesla started making deliveries of its long-awaited Cybertruck last week to a small audience inside an underground bunker at their Austin, TX headquarters. Although it’s been 4 years since the unveiling of the Cybertruck, much has changed with the vehicle and the landscape of America. With doomsday approaching, Cyberpreppers are queuing up in small numbers...
Mike Johnson Says Blurred Faces Will Make It Easier For Republicans To Masturbate To Jan 6 Footage
House Leader Mike Johnson has proposed an unconventional idea to make January 6 riot footage more palatable for Republicans. In a recent press conference, Johnson declared that blurring faces on the infamous footage would make it easier for GOP members to, well, enjoy the scenes without feeling conflicted. The Louisiana congressman, known for his outside-the-box thinking, confidently stated, “We’ve been...
Fruity Revelation: Gen Z Discover Only Ingredient in Fruit Is More Fruit
Gen Z is reeling from a discovery that has left them questioning the very essence of their favorite snacks. Brace yourselves, because it turns out that the mysterious ingredient in fruits is, wait for it… more fruit! Yes, you read that right. It seems the digital-savvy generation, known for its ability to decode complex emojis and create viral TikToks, has...
Trump Claims He Is Immuned To The Laws Of Physics
Former President Donald Trump has declared that he has transcended the laws of physics and is now officially immune to the constraints of the physical world. In a press conference that left journalists scratching their heads, Trump confidently announced, “I am no longer bound by the laws of physics. I’m like a superhero, folks. Call me ‘The Invisible Executive’!” Trump...
EggNog Votes American’s 8th Favorite Nog
In a stunning turn of events, the highly prestigious Nog Institute of America has just released its annual Nog Rankings, and guess who cracked the top ten? That’s right, egg nog! In a surprising upset, egg nog has been voted America’s 8th favorite nog, beating out lesser-known contenders like almond nog and coconut nog. The Nog Institute of America (NIA)...
George Santos Happy He Can Spend More Time On Things Like Family, Cooking, and Federal Prison
In a surprising turn of events, George Santos, the recently expelled congressman, is thrilled about his newfound freedom from the shackles of Capitol Hill. While most politicians would be devastated by such a setback, Santos has embraced the opportunity to focus on more important things in life—like family, cooking, and, of course, the impending federal prison sentence. In an exclusive...
Geneva Convention Moved to Las Vegas
Geneva, Switzerland – Swiss tourism professionals got the bad news yesterday that the Geneva Convention, the world’s oldest and largest trade show devoted to war crimes, has been moved to Las Vegas for the next three years. “Geneva has been good to us, but Vegas made us an offer that we just couldn’t refuse,” said Marty Higginbottom, Secretary-General of ABUSE...
Henry Kissinger Taken Back To How Hot And Flamey Heaven Is
In a surprising turn of celestial events, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was taken aback upon his arrival in heaven to find it not quite the pearly gates and fluffy clouds he had envisioned. Instead, he was welcomed by a rather toasty atmosphere, with celestial flames flickering in the distance. Reports suggest that Kissinger, famous for his diplomatic prowess...
New Evidence Shows Donner Party Victims of High Protein Diet
Documents recently discovered by historians at Stanford University reveal that members of the famed Donner Party did not eat their friends and family members out of desperation, as has been the belief, but rather because they were on a high-protein diet. The Donner Party became hopelessly lost in 1846 on their way out west and had to camp in the...
Marjorie Taylor Greene Say Biden Did Nothing to Stop Dinosaur Extinction
Washington, DC – Marjorie Taylor Greene today denounced the Biden Administration for having done nothing to avert the extinction of the dinosaurs. Senator Mitch McConnell, of Kentucky, ranking member on the Senate Dinosaur Extinction Oversight Panel, says that the Biden Administration came into office with no clear plan for dealing with nuclear-winter-causing giant meteors. “The lack of a clearly defined...
World Glances Up From Phones, Shrugs, and Resumes Scrolling
In a surprising turn of events today, the entire world collectively tore its gaze away from its beloved screens, only to be met with an underwhelming reality that left many unimpressed. It was a momentous occasion that sparked a global ‘meh’ heard ’round the world. People from every corner of the globe paused, their eyes collectively lifting from their screens...
Thousands Boast Plan To Save Money By Not Paying Bills While Not Having A Job
In a world where financial wizardry meets unemployment chic, a growing trend is taking the internet by storm. Thousands of people are proudly announcing their master plan to save hundreds of dollars every month by boldly not paying their bills. Who needs a job when you can be a budgeting maverick, right? The “Not-a-Bill-Payer” Movement Move over, financial gurus and...
Broken Newz Returns After 18 Year Nap
Broken Newz right before it went on a long map In the ever-evolving landscape of online satire, there’s a familiar name making headlines once again. After a prolonged hiatus, Broken Newz has emerged from the depths of internet history, ready to reclaim its throne as a pioneer in the world of satire news. Founded in 2001, Broken Newz quickly became...