JD Vance Licks Greenland, Claims It for Trump
In a bold display of foreign policy meets freezer burn, Vice President JD Vance traveled to Greenland, knelt down, gave the ice a hearty lick,
Elon Musk Asked to Point to Tesla Bot to Show Where Protestors Hurt Him
“Right here,” he sniffled, tapping the robot’s chest. “Right in the innovation.” In a moment that had Capitol Hill staffers fighting back giggles and secondhand
GOP Officials Sound Alarm Over Eggplant-Shaped Missiles After Reading Additional Texts
Washington, D.C. — In what can only be described as a stunning blend of national security panic and digital illiteracy, several prominent GOP officials have
Trump Outraged by “Ugly” Portrait in His Bathroom, Turns Out It Was Just a Mirror
In a furious rant early Tuesday morning, former President Donald Trump demanded the immediate removal of what he called a “disgusting, horrible, totally unfair” portrait
Pete Hegseth Launches New Site ‘WhiskeyLeaks’
“It’s not a leak if you shout it into a whiskey glass,” says Hegseth. In what Pentagon officials are calling “a bold reinterpretation of the
Trump Finally Reveals Dark Childhood Trauma Behind Plastic Straw Ban
In a shocking revelation that has rocked the political landscape, former President Donald J. Trump has finally admitted why he was so passionate about banning
Elon Musk Celebrates “Bring Your Kid to the Presidential Coup Day” at the White House
X AE A-12 Declares Himself Supreme Overlord of America, Tells Trump to “Shut Your Mouth” WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling the most
250 MILLION AMERICANS SCREAM “BINGO!” AS TRUMP SPEEDRUNS THE APOCALYPSE
In an event that will go down in history as either the loudest synchronized scream or the final desperate cry of a collapsing nation, 250
Trump Determinded to Make ‘Mericans as Dumb As Him, Or More Dumber
In a move that left educators scratching their heads and late-night comedians rubbing their hands in glee, President Trump unveiled his latest strategy to, in
Trump’s First Executive Order: Granting Himself A Kagillion More Executive Orders
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On his very first day as President, Donald J. Trump made history yet again. In a move that stunned scholars, political analysts,
National Flags to Fly at Half-Flaccid for the Next Four Years
The Department of State announced today that all U.S. flags—state and national—will fly at “half-flaccid” to honor the inauguration of Donald Trump. Officials clarified that
Ban of TikTok Will Force Thousands To Find Other Websites To Convince You That You Can Make A Watermelon Look and Taste Like Steak
TikTok—the beloved app that made viral watermelon steak tutorials a household phenomenon—is facing a potential nationwide ban, leaving Gen Z creators scrambling to find alternative
America Finally Finds Common Ground as Americans Agree They Have No Clue Who Robbie Williams Is
UNITY IN 2025!!! In a stunning display of rare and historic unity, the United States of America has come together as one to declare: “We
Elon Musk Becomes 2nd Most History-Changing “Piece of Sh*t” After the Elvis Incident
In a groundbreaking development in the annals of absurd historical milestones, Elon Musk has officially been declared the second most history-changing piece of shit—just behind
President-Elect Trump Spends Christmas Claiming Gifts with “Mine!” Methodology
Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In what observers are calling a “bold and festive display of manifest destiny,” President-elect Donald Trump reportedly spent Christmas Day asserting ownership
House Ethics Committee Shocked to Discover Matt Gaetz’s Complete Lack of Ethics
The House Ethics Committee has concluded that former Congressman Matt Gaetz possesses absolutely no ethics whatsoever. This finding comes after an exhaustive investigation into allegations
White House Cleaning Staff Already Dreading Possible Trump Return: “We Just Got the Stains Out”
Washington, D.C. — As political pundits speculate on a potential return to the White House by Donald Trump, the cleaning staff at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Crypto Investors Celebrate as Bitcoin ‘Bounces Back’ to Half of What They Lost Last Year
“The comeback is real!” tweets a hopeful millionaire-turned-Uber driver. Crypto enthusiasts are in high spirits this week as Bitcoin surged to an impressive $28,000—a number
Biden Pardons Trump for Pardoning Family Member by Pardoning Family Member
America Stunned by 4D Chess Move Washington, D.C. — In a political maneuver that has left both cable news pundits and dinner table debaters reeling,
White House Democrats Report Surge in Arm and Wrist Pain Amid Intense Finger-Pointing Epidemic
Washington, D.C. — A baffling epidemic of arm and wrist pain has gripped Democrats in and around the White House, and experts are blaming a
Spokesman-Review’s Alexandra Duggan Faces Career Crisis: Talent, Not Affairs, Needed for Success
Spokane, WA — Alexandra Duggan, a reporter for the Spokesman-Review, has found herself in an unexpected professional crisis. After blazing a trail through newsrooms in
Earth Moves to 3rd Most Hostile Living Conditions of all Planets in our Galaxy
Earth’s reputation as the universe’s “Goldilocks planet” is officially over. In a stunning fall from grace, Earth has been downgraded from the best place to
Trump: Confident New Cabinet Picks Will Last “Much Longer” Before Turning on Him
In an almost too-familiar return to the cabinet-assembling scene, Donald Trump is confident his latest picks, which reportedly include names like Matt Gaetz, Stephen Miller,
Boomer Thanksgiving in Crisis as Trump Victory Leaves Family With Nothing to Scream About
“Running out of clouds to yell at!” November 2024 – Across the country, a cloud of anxiety looms over Thanksgiving gatherings as millions of Boomer
Countdown to the End of the Donald Trump Presidency
[cmsmasters_row][cmsmasters_column data_width=”1/1″][cmsmasters_text] Introducing the End of the Trump Presidency Countdown Clock, a digital clock that ticks down to the exact second until noon on January