former President Donald Trump and Senator J.D. Vance held a press conference yesterday to issue a formal apology to the women of America, acknowledging that their previous dismissive comments might have been in poor taste. Both men, however, sheepishly admitted that they simply hadn’t realized women were part of the voter pool.

“Look, in my defense, back when I learned about voting, my mother wasn’t even allowed to vote, and she taught me everything,” Trump explained, gesturing earnestly at the audience. “For years, I thought elections were really a men’s club. I just assumed everyone had to have a 5 o’clock shadow and at least one cigar to participate.”

Senator Vance backed him up, adding, “It’s a common misconception! Nobody told us there were all these new rules about female voters. I mean, when did this happen? 1920? I guess I missed that memo.”

Despite murmurs of disbelief from the press corps, the two went on to double down on their commitment to a new campaign approach: one that would cater more inclusively to women by rolling out policies like “free pink parking spaces” and “50% off brunches on Election Day.” Trump even proposed a special “no-wait” line at voting booths “just for the ladies.”

“I just want all the women to know we’re listening,” Trump insisted. “Starting now. Now that we know you’re, you know, voting.”

Political analysts agree the outreach efforts are historic in their ambition, with plans for both men to meet with a hand-selected panel of women voters — “Real Housewives” stars and a few “charming yet harmless” grandmothers — to gain deeper insights into the female perspective on taxes, foreign policy, and shoe storage.

“I can promise that moving forward, every speech will include at least three references to shopping and spa days,” Vance said proudly. “That’s how serious we are about this.”

Despite the media uproar, the two politicians remain optimistic. “The gals are gonna love this,” Trump assured reporters with a wink. “And I promise: I’ll never ask if they need to speak to a man again.”