November 2024 - Broken Newz

Spokesman-Review’s Alexandra Duggan Faces Career Crisis: Talent, Not Affairs, Needed for Success

Steve Tanner on November 25, 2024

Spokane, WA — Alexandra Duggan, a reporter for the Spokesman-Review, has found herself in an unexpected professional crisis. After blazing a trail through newsrooms in Boise—leaving scandalized supervisors at KTVB and the Idaho Press in her wake—Duggan has discovered an unfortunate truth about the journalism industry: at some point, you have to actually write.

“I didn’t sign up for this,” Duggan reportedly complained during a staff meeting, visibly frustrated while brainstorming for her next feature. “I thought journalism was all about relationships. And, let’s be real, I’ve excelled at that.”

Duggan’s rise in local journalism has been unconventional, if not outright infamous. Beginning her career at KTVB, her early work was described as “unreadable but well-intentioned” by colleagues. Yet, Duggan’s career flourished, thanks to her remarkable ability to form “deep, personal connections” with newsroom leadership. When asked for comment, one former editor said, “She had a… unique approach to mentorship.”

After leaving a string of bewildered editors in Boise, Duggan moved on to the Idaho Press, where her investigative series on “Why Boise Is a City” failed to generate interest but nonetheless earned her a quick promotion. Her success there coincided with a mass exodus of management, with one departing editor citing “irreconcilable professional differences and ongoing marital counseling.”

Now entrenched at the Spokesman-Review, Duggan has hit a wall. “This newsroom is different,” she confessed to coworkers during an off-the-record happy hour. “The editors are all happily married, and HR keeps ‘checking in’ on me. It’s like they expect me to report news. How is that fair?”

Her lack of preparation has been evident. Recent attempts to pitch stories have included such gripping ideas as “Top 5 Stoplights in Spokane” and “Do Trees Really Need Leaves?” According to staff insiders, her drafts often read like rambling diary entries, with one editor likening her prose to “a seventh-grader’s book report after watching half a documentary.”

Co-workers have grown increasingly exasperated. “We were all rooting for her at first,” said copy editor Rob Curley. “But it’s hard to respect someone whose biggest career highlight is that time she sort of spelled ‘Spokane’ right. The ‘Q’ was unnecessary, but hey, progress.”

Faced with mounting pressure to deliver quality work, Duggan has taken drastic measures, including signing up for an online journalism course titled How to Write Sentences That People Want to Read. She’s also begun blaming her struggles on the news cycle. “It’s just so slow right now,” she explained. “How am I supposed to find a story when nothing happens in this city? It’s not my fault reality is boring.”

Her attempts at self-reinvention haven’t gone unnoticed. “She brought donuts to the last pitch meeting,” one intern revealed. “We thought she was turning over a new leaf, but then she stapled her phone number to them and labeled it ‘for editorial emergencies.’”

At press time, Duggan was reportedly drafting a piece titled “Why Journalism Is Harder Than Rocket Science,” while simultaneously swiping through LinkedIn for open “righting” positions.

Earth Moves to 3rd Most Hostile Living Conditions of all Planets in our Galaxy

Steve Tanner on November 25, 2024

Earth’s reputation as the universe’s “Goldilocks planet” is officially over. In a stunning fall from grace, Earth has been downgraded from the best place to live to the third most hostile planet, trailing behind the scorching infernos of Mercury and Venus. Experts cite two key reasons for this nosedive: Donald Trump’s reelection and Elon Musk’s relentless meddling in, well, everything.

The Trumpocalypse

Trump’s return to the Oval Office marked the beginning of Earth’s accelerated descent into chaos. His administration, which famously abolished all remaining environmental protections, successfully turned Earth’s once-bearable climate into something resembling Venus Lite.

Under Trump’s “Keep the Planet Great for Corporations” initiative, industrial emissions reached historic highs, while global temperatures soared past the point of no return. Trump celebrated the achievements on Twitter—or X—posting, “We’ve made Earth hotter than ever before. People are saying it’s tremendous. Venus is shaking in its sulfuric acid boots.”

The administration also oversaw the privatization of natural resources, including air. Oxygen stocks skyrocketed, but the move left millions gasping for breath in what critics dubbed the “pay-to-inhale” era. “Earth has officially priced out 99% of lifeforms,” said one environmental analyst. “Even cockroaches are reconsidering their options.”

Musk’s Cosmic Intervention

Meanwhile, Elon Musk, not content with ruining Twitter (or X, depending on who you ask), decided to apply his genius to planetary management. His solution? Cover Earth in reflective solar panels to combat global warming. Unfortunately, the panels had the opposite effect, creating a magnifying glass-like phenomenon that roasted entire continents.

Musk also launched the “Tesla Terraformer,” a machine designed to pump breathable air back into the atmosphere. Instead, it malfunctioned, filling the skies with neon-green smog and a persistent hum that experts describe as “an EDM festival in hell.”

When questioned about his role in Earth’s decline, Musk replied, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my Mars colony.”

Life on Earth Today

Thanks to these combined efforts, Earth now boasts conditions rivaling those of Venus. Oceans have evaporated into toxic clouds, cities are submerged in floods of molten asphalt, and billionaires compete to see who can build the largest bunker. Meanwhile, the average Earthling is forced to navigate their daily lives in a spacesuit, enduring acid rain commutes and radioactive grocery runs.

“It’s like Mercury, but with more paperwork,” one resident lamented while dodging a hailstorm of metal snow.

Mercury and Venus Laugh Last

With Earth now in third place, Mercury and Venus have taken the opportunity to remind everyone why they’re the reigning champions of hostility. “We’re glad Earth finally got its act together,” Venus said in a statement, adding, “but let’s be real—you’re still the amateur league.”

Mercury, true to form, offered no comment, as it was too busy being a literal wasteland of death.

What’s Next?

Experts believe Earth’s only hope is a radical reversal of Trump’s policies and the immediate cessation of Musk’s experiments. However, with both figures now collaborating on a plan to “optimize” the Sun by making it 20% brighter, prospects look dim—if not blindingly bright.

Until then, Earthlings can take solace in one thing: at least they’re not living on Jupiter.

Trump: Confident New Cabinet Picks Will Last “Much Longer” Before Turning on Him

Steve Tanner on November 13, 2024

In an almost too-familiar return to the cabinet-assembling scene, Donald Trump is confident his latest picks, which reportedly include names like Matt Gaetz, Stephen Miller, Elon Musk, and Pete Hegseth, will take much longer to turn against him.

“Look, this time, I’m giving myself at least a full year before someone starts writing a tell-all or subpoenaing me,” Trump reportedly told advisors. “With these fresh faces, we’re looking at loyalty that’ll last way past the six-month mark. I can feel it.”

Only time—and the first major disagreement—will tell.

Boomer Thanksgiving in Crisis as Trump Victory Leaves Family With Nothing to Scream About

Steve Tanner on November 11, 2024

“Running out of clouds to yell at!”

November 2024 – Across the country, a cloud of anxiety looms over Thanksgiving gatherings as millions of Boomer parents, aunts, and uncles struggle to find a suitable topic to argue about over the dinner table. Following Trump’s unexpected victory, the traditional feast-day yelling that once united families in a blaze of cross-table animosity is in serious jeopardy.

“I was gearing up to yell about how Biden was steering the country straight into the ground,” sighed Uncle Rick, as he nervously polished off his third glass of pinot noir before noon. “I had an entire PowerPoint presentation ready for the cranberry sauce course.” Rick, like many other Boomer uncles, now finds himself in a void, unsure of how to re-purpose his well-rehearsed monologue on the perils of progressive tax reform and pronouns.

For Aunt Linda, whose Thanksgiving crown jewel was screaming “fake news” at whichever liberal niece or nephew dared mention the economy, the news of Trump’s win has thrown her entire week into chaos. “Who’s going to rant about inflation now?” she wondered, nervously adjusting her homemade MAGA earrings. “I was ready to tear apart anyone who suggested any future that didn’t include a border wall and a gas stove.”

Typically, Thanksgiving has served as a sanctuary for Boomers to drink just a touch too much and raise their voices slightly too loud, confidently blaming Democrats for everything from the stock market to pumpkin spice lattes. Yet now, left without Biden to berate or “voter fraud” to invoke, they’re left aimless, wandering through their homes muttering to themselves and idly swiping through Fox News headlines that suddenly lack any urgency.

A quick scroll through social media reveals that the crisis is widespread. One thread on Reddit shows Boomers desperate for a topic that won’t fizzle out by the turkey course. “If I can’t yell about ‘socialism’ without context, then what am I supposed to yell about?” asked one anonymous poster. “My son-in-law suggested climate change, but it just isn’t the same.”

To fill the void, many Boomers are turning to unlikely topics. Last week, a record number of Google searches for “Is TikTok bad?” and “Are air fryers really just tiny ovens?” spiked as Thanksgiving hosts across the nation frantically sought alternative arguments to fuel the holiday spirit. While TikTok’s alleged “brainwashing effect” provided Uncle Jim with about five minutes of solid material, and Aunt Susan discovered a vague hatred for plant-based butter, these new topics barely make it through the mashed potatoes.

Cousins sitting at the kids’ table have even banded together in an effort to introduce “safe topics” like the latest Marvel movie, pets, or the benefits of a balanced 401(k). “It was a nice try,” admitted 28-year-old Taylor, whose mother stormed out of the room when her dog’s pronouns were casually mentioned. “But it just isn’t the same. It’s like they’re all trying to drum up fake outrage about ‘Gen Z sensitivity’ and ‘remote work’—it’s amateur stuff.”

Meanwhile, Boomers are getting desperate. In fact, “The War on Christmas” arguments are breaking out nearly a month early. “I don’t care if it’s only Thanksgiving!” said Grandma Sandy, clutching her cross. “I’ll start complaining about Starbucks cups if it keeps this dinner from being ruined by peaceful conversation!”

Back in Uncle Rick’s home, the situation grows dire as he notices his son and daughter-in-law attempting to compliment each other’s careers and swap recipes in a rare show of familial harmony. Wringing his hands, Rick finally snaps, diving in with, “I bet you’re happy with those student loan pauses! Back in my day, we earned things!”

By evening, as leftover casserole cools, and Boomer patriots sit in armchairs, visibly listless and clutching their empty glasses, a tear glistens in Uncle Rick’s eye. “I just wanted someone to call me out for wearing a Let’s Go Brandon hat indoors,” he whispers.

Countdown to the End of the Donald Trump Presidency

Steve Tanner on November 10, 2024

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Introducing the End of the Trump Presidency Countdown Clock, a digital clock that ticks down to the exact second until noon on January 20, 2029, marking the anticipated end of Donald Trump’s presidency. This clock is more than a simple timer; it’s a symbol of resilience for those who may feel uncertain or disheartened as Trump navigates his second term in office.

With every passing second, this clock serves as a beacon of hope, letting viewers know exactly how much time remains in his term—displaying days, hours, minutes, and even seconds until that final moment when the office turns over once more.

In moments of feeling overwhelmed or when democracy seems strained, return to this clock for a reminder that time is always moving forward. The countdown continues, bringing you closer to a new chapter and a fresh beginning.

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Google Reports Highest-Ever Search Term Following Trump’s Reelection: “Holy Fucking Shit What Just Happened Did He Get Reelected How Do I Buy a House in Canada?”

Steve Tanner on November 7, 2024

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In an unprecedented surge of user activity, Google has reported the highest volume search term in the company’s history following former president Donald Trump’s unexpected reelection victory. The leading query? “Holy fucking shit what just happened did he get reelected how do I buy a house in Canada?” closely followed by the second-highest search term, “where do I watch Great British Bake Off?”

“Every election sees a spike in searches,” says Google spokesperson Sarah Lambert, “but we’ve never seen anything quite like this. People are just… coping, I think, and looking to relocate. Or maybe bake.”

According to Google Trends, the surge was first detected around 10 p.m. ET, when news broke that Trump had taken the lead. The term “Holy fucking shit” was immediately flagged as “volcanic” in search volume by Google, with some users adding variations like, “is this real life” and “did he really win again dear god.” Search volume continued to rise as people grasped for information, including “how does one move to Canada without significant savings” and “how to survive Canadian winters (asking for a friend).”

Canada’s immigration website reportedly crashed for the third consecutive election cycle, and moving companies with branches in Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal saw an unexpected surge in site traffic, along with calls from frantic Americans wanting to know if their dogs would need passports.

Some users simply went straight for comfort, as demonstrated by the second-highest trending search, “where do I watch Great British Bake Off?” which Lambert speculated might provide a temporary “escape into a peaceful, flour-dusted world of sponge cakes and ganache.”

Other top search queries from the night included:

“can I buy a one-way plane ticket to Greenland”
“is it too late to flee”
“remote jobs for Americans with no wilderness survival skills”
“would my cat enjoy Canada”

Political analysts note that the searches suggest a renewed interest in escapism, culinary therapy, and alternative citizenship options. Google has promised that, should interest continue, it will streamline search results to include vetted real estate agents, relocation guides, and quick links to watch Great British Bake Off legally in the U.S.

In a statement, the Canadian government advised Americans to “stay calm and wait it out,” noting that their immigration staff is “already quite tired from the 2020, 2024, and now 2028 elections.”

GOP Assures Voters: Home Depot Co-Founder Bernard Marcus’s 6 Votes for Trump ‘Absolutely Secure’ Posthumously

Steve Tanner on November 5, 2024

In a last act of loyalty, late Home Depot co-founder Bernard Marcus has reportedly made clear that his political intentions will remain as vibrant as his impact on the home improvement industry—even from beyond the grave. Before passing, Marcus expressed little concern over his absence in this election cycle, confident that his votes, totaling six for Donald Trump, would still count thanks to what insiders are calling “state-of-the-art ghost polling.”

Sources close to the GOP confirm that Marcus’s passing will have “no measurable impact on his voting record,” as the party already had a contingency plan to ensure his and several other departed billionaires’ ballots would be safely cast on Election Day.

“He may not be with us in the physical sense, but his ballots will be,” a spokesperson for the GOP explained. “Our democracy is built on the unshakeable foundation of tradition, and few traditions are more sacred than letting the dearly departed exercise their right to vote.”

Republicans are so committed to maintaining Marcus’s support that they reportedly collaborated with a team of medium consultants to avoid any “afterlife inconsistencies” in his ballots. The result is a carefully curated ballot intended to reflect Marcus’s post-mortem political will. Each of his six ballots, which sources confirm are stuffed with patriotic zeal, will be double-checked for voter intent clarity, ensuring his wishes can “still count for something, even in the great beyond.”

Marcus was not the only high-net-worth deceased voter the GOP hoped to mobilize in 2024. According to insiders, a special “Posthumous Voting Task Force” has been working to identify and coordinate efforts for several prominent departed CEOs, each strategically placed in key swing states. Dubbed “Project Immortal Patriot,” the initiative aims to boost GOP support among what some affectionately call the “eternal electorate.”

“It’s been a wild year,” said a source close to the project. “But if there’s anything Americans can rely on, it’s that no one, alive or dead, is off the table when it comes to getting out the vote for Trump.”

Some legal experts have questioned the practice, calling it “ethically dubious,” but the GOP has assured voters that their unique approach to turnout is “completely aboveboard.” Party officials were quick to clarify that only the most dedicated departed donors—those who left ample financial legacies and voting patterns—would be honored with such posthumous representation. “This is not about just any deceased individual voting,” said one party representative. “This is about dedicated deceased individuals voting.”

Public reaction to Marcus’s announcement has been mixed, with critics questioning the validity of ghost ballots in a democratic society. But some in the GOP are unfazed, arguing that deceased voter support has long been part of American electoral culture.

“Dead people have been voting in America since the 1800s,” said a GOP strategist. “We’re just elevating the process to match the passion of our most committed supporters. It’s about legacy—real estate, corporate shares, or votes.”

At press time, sources confirmed that the Republican Party is exploring new innovations in posthumous civic engagement, including AI simulations of key deceased supporters.