Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In what observers are calling a “bold and festive display of manifest destiny,” President-elect Donald Trump reportedly spent Christmas Day asserting ownership over family members’ gifts by licking his finger, touching the desired item, and loudly declaring, “Mine!”

Eyewitnesses at the Trump family Christmas celebration said the 78-year-old “billionaire” turned political firebrand enacted the tradition shortly after the opening of gifts commenced. The spectacle began when Eric Trump unwrapped a limited-edition drone, which Trump promptly claimed by licking his index finger, pressing it onto the drone, and bellowing, “This is tremendous. It’s mine now. I just claimed it. That’s how it works.”

Ivanka Trump, poised as ever, reportedly attempted to explain that the drone was Eric’s gift, to which Trump retorted, “No, it’s mine. I just did the thing. You saw it. He didn’t claim it first. Sad!”

An Expanding Christmas Empire

The scene escalated as Trump went on to annex Barron Trump’s PlayStation 5, Melania’s diamond bracelet, and even the turkey centerpiece. “This is bigger than the Louisiana Purchase,” Trump reportedly told guests. “You don’t see people complaining about that, do you? Same principle.”

When Donald Trump Jr. protested after his father claimed his brand-new hunting rifle, Trump dismissed him with a wave. “You’re weak, Don. You didn’t even try to claim it. Loser move. Big loser energy.”

Inspired by Past Conquests

Trump’s Christmas antics appear to mirror his reported obsession with territorial acquisitions, as highlighted in a recent Rolling Stone article. According to sources close to the former president, Trump has previously floated ideas such as “buying Greenland,” “reclaiming the Panama Canal,” and, most perplexingly, “annexing Canada” after mistakenly believing he could “just take it.”

Critics argue that Trump’s holiday behavior is emblematic of his broader worldview, where the act of claiming something—regardless of feasibility or propriety—makes it so. In this instance, his claim to gifts seemed to hinge solely on the moist authenticity of a licked finger.

Backlash and Confusion

The unorthodox gift-claiming spree has sparked backlash even within Trump’s own circle. “It’s not fair,” said Eric Trump in a tearful post-Christmas interview. “I just wanted to fly my drone, but now Dad says it’s going to be part of his ‘Space Force’ collection.”

Twitter users also had a field day with the story, trending the hashtag #Claimmas. One user wrote, “If licking your finger and yelling ‘Mine!’ worked, I’d have a mansion by now.” Another quipped, “Guess the Emoluments Clause doesn’t cover Christmas gifts.”

Future Aspirations

By the end of the day, Trump reportedly claimed the entire Mar-a-Lago property itself, stating, “Honestly, I don’t think I ever really claimed it. But now I did. Merry Christmas to me!”

When asked by reporters outside the estate if he planned to extend his “lick-and-claim” strategy to public policy, Trump grinned. “Greenland? Already licked it in my head. That’s mine too. The Panama Canal? Mine, mine, mine.”

For now, Mar-a-Lago remains his self-declared Christmas empire, but insiders suggest Trump is eyeing bigger prizes for the new year. Rumor has it, the White House will soon bear a small, sticky fingerprint on its front door.

The House Ethics Committee has concluded that former Congressman Matt Gaetz possesses absolutely no ethics whatsoever. This finding comes after an exhaustive investigation into allegations of sexual misconduct, drug use, and other illicit activities.

The 37-page report, released today, details a series of actions by Gaetz that violate numerous state laws and House conduct rules. Among the most startling findings is evidence that Gaetz paid over $90,000 to 12 women for sex and drugs, including a 17-year-old girl.

“We were prepared to find some ethical lapses,” said Committee Chairperson Ima Virtuous. “But to uncover a total absence of ethics? That’s a first.”

The report outlines instances where Gaetz engaged in drug-fueled parties, used his congressional status for personal favors, and attempted to obstruct justice. Despite a three-year FBI investigation resulting in no criminal charges, the Ethics Committee found substantial evidence of misconduct.

In response to the report, Gaetz filed a lawsuit to block its release, arguing that as a private citizen, the committee lacks jurisdiction over him. He also contended that the report would cause “severe and irreparable damage” to his reputation.

“It’s challenging to damage something that doesn’t exist,” quipped political analyst Polly Tician.

Gaetz’s resignation from Congress last month, following his selection by President-elect Donald Trump for the role of Attorney General—a nomination he later withdrew due to expected challenges in Senate confirmation—has only added to the controversy.

“We thought appointing someone with zero ethics to lead the Department of Justice was a bit on the nose,” commented an anonymous White House insider.

As the political world reels from these revelations, the House Ethics Committee is considering renaming itself the “House Ethics and Lack Thereof Committee” to accommodate future findings of this nature.

“We need to be inclusive of all members,” Chairperson Virtuous noted.

Meanwhile, Gaetz has announced plans to host a new reality TV show titled “Ethics? Never Heard of ‘Em!” The show promises to take viewers on a behind-the-scenes tour of Washington’s most ethically challenged politicians.

“It’s time to turn my lack of ethics into entertainment,” Gaetz said in a statement. “After all, if you can’t beat ’em, monetize ’em.”

Washington, D.C. — As political pundits speculate on a potential return to the White House by Donald Trump, the cleaning staff at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has issued a collective plea: Please, no.

“We just finished getting out the ketchup stains,” said longtime custodian Marjorie Pickett, referencing the former president’s infamous habit of expressing displeasure by hurling condiments. “It took two industrial-grade power washers and a small team of exorcists to get the walls clean. And don’t even get me started on the carpets!”

The staff confirmed that Trump left the White House in 2021 without getting his security deposit back. “Frankly, the damage exceeded the deposit tenfold,” explained Edgar Murkowski, head of facilities management. “The gilded toilet alone needed thousands of dollars in repairs. And then there was the dining room… Oh, the dining room.”

The dining room, according to multiple sources, still carries an inexplicable odor described as a mix between overdone steak, spray tan solution, and “unprocessed rage.” Despite countless deep cleanings, Murkowski says the smell persists. “It’s like the ghost of Mar-a-Lago haunts that room. Even the Lincoln Bedroom didn’t smell this bad after Andrew Jackson slept in there.”

Unique Challenges of a Trump Presidency

Staff also expressed concerns about preparing for Trump’s well-documented dietary preferences, should he return. “We’re still finding stray fries behind radiators, and I’ll never forget the time we found a McRib box stuffed into the Resolute Desk,” said White House chef Juanita Gómez.

The cleaning team faced other peculiar challenges during Trump’s tenure, including mysterious orange streaks on bathroom sinks, unexplained scorch marks on the Oval Office rug, and what one staffer referred to as “tweet residue” on every electronic device.

“We had to bring in a forensic cleaner just to scrape the all-caps shouting out of the White House servers,” said IT technician Doug Harris.

A Plea for Change

Despite their trauma, staff members remain hopeful. “We’ve scrubbed this place top to bottom, and it’s finally starting to feel like a home again,” said Pickett, gesturing to a pristine hallway. “But if he comes back, I swear I’m retiring. Let someone else handle the Diet Coke button and the Sharpie graffiti on the hurricane maps.”

As speculation swirls, the staff is reportedly preparing a special “Trump Clause” for his next lease agreement, should he reclaim the Oval Office. “We’re going to need triple the deposit,” said Murkowski. “And a certified promise to keep the ketchup on the plate.”

Brokenewz.com reached out to Trump’s spokesperson for comment but received only an email containing the words “FAKE NEWS!!!” in size 72 Comic Sans font.

America Stunned by 4D Chess Move

Washington, D.C. — In a political maneuver that has left both cable news pundits and dinner table debaters reeling, President Joe Biden has issued a pardon to former President Donald Trump. The catch? Biden’s pardon explicitly cites Trump’s pardon of a family member as its inspiration, with Biden’s own family member riding shotgun on this karmic roller coaster.

The announcement, made during a surprise press conference on the White House lawn, unfolded like an episode of Succession written by Kafka.

“As the great philosopher Kenny Rogers once said, ‘You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,’” President Biden began. “Trump pardoned his son-in-law’s father, so I’m pardoning Trump. But I’ll also be pardoning Hunter. It’s like a democracy bogo deal!”

The President then leaned into the mic and whispered, “That’s a little Scranton wisdom for ya.”

Trump’s Pardon of a Family Member: A Refresher

The saga Biden referred to dates back to 2020, when Trump issued a presidential pardon to Charles Kushner, father of his senior advisor and son-in-law, Jared Kushner. Charles had been convicted of crimes so lurid they’d make a Netflix series blush: tax evasion, witness tampering, and hiring a sex worker to entrap his brother-in-law. Critics accused Trump of using his pardon power like a Black Friday coupon book for family members.

Kushner was not only pardoned but later appointed to a prestigious ambassador role. This move set the gold standard for “family loyalty” in politics, with nepotism taking a victory lap.

Biden’s Counter-Move

Fast-forward to 2024, and Biden’s pardon of Trump is being hailed as the “Uno Reverse Card” of political theater. But Biden didn’t stop there. In a move reminiscent of Oprah’s giveaway days, the President also issued a pardon to his own son, Hunter Biden, citing the precedent Trump had set.

“The Hunter laptop thing? Consider it water under the bridge,” Biden quipped. “Well, more like a cybernetic hard drive floating down a Delaware creek.”

Fox News immediately declared it the “end of democracy as we know it,” while MSNBC hailed it as “a tactical masterstroke worthy of Machiavelli, if Machiavelli played cornhole on the weekends.”

America Reacts

Social media exploded in response, with hashtags like #Pardonception and #KushnerEffect trending within minutes.

“I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or apply for a presidential pardon myself,” tweeted one user.

“This is what happens when you give boomers too many episodes of House of Cards to binge,” said another.

Meanwhile, political analysts are scrambling to determine what this means for 2024’s already chaotic election season. One scholar likened it to “a snake eating its tail, but the snake is holding a press conference about bipartisanship.”

The Future of Pardons

When pressed about the long-term implications of this tit-for-tat pardon spree, Biden shrugged. “Look, folks, I’m just trying to clean up the mess here. If pardoning Trump for his family pardon while pardoning my family works, why not? Maybe next year, I’ll pardon the turkey’s cousin, too.”

As the nation grapples with this bizarre chapter in American history, one thing is certain: we are now living in a political Mad Lib where every fill-in-the-blank is “family member.”

Washington, D.C. — A baffling epidemic of arm and wrist pain has gripped Democrats in and around the White House, and experts are blaming a single culprit: excessive finger-pointing.

Sources close to the administration report that the condition, informally dubbed “Blame Strain Syndrome,” has reached crisis levels as party members scramble to identify culprits for recent legislative failures, plummeting approval ratings, and a mysteriously vanishing catering order during last week’s press briefing.

“It started with harmless gestures,” admitted one anonymous aide, nervously flexing their index finger in a bucket of ice. “But now, it’s full-blown. Every meeting ends with someone pointing so aggressively they nearly dislocate a shoulder.”

Doctors from Walter Reed Medical Center were called in to assess the situation. “What we’re seeing is unprecedented,” said Dr. Cynthia Yarrow, an orthopedic specialist. “This is what happens when stress, politics, and a lack of accountability combine into a perfect storm. The average Democratic staffer’s arm movement right now is like a professional tennis player during a particularly heated rally — except with way more passive-aggression.”

The problem escalated after the latest midterm results, with moderates pointing at progressives, progressives pointing at moderates, and everyone pointing at the communications team. President Biden attempted to defuse tensions during a closed-door strategy session but was reportedly met with 27 simultaneous pointed fingers directed at him when he mentioned gas prices.

“It’s chaos,” said one exhausted intern, clutching a heat pack. “People are pointing everywhere: at polls, at lobbyists, at the vending machine that only takes exact change. I saw two aides arguing in the hallway, and they were both using two hands to point at each other. It’s like a political Spider-Man meme out there.”

Republicans, meanwhile, have taken the opportunity to weigh in. “This is just another example of Democrats not being able to handle their own policies,” said Rep. Kevin McCarthy while demonstratively shrugging, a gesture his office later clarified “does not cause wrist pain.”

Medical experts have recommended several solutions, including finger yoga, ergonomic gloves, and a radical new technique called “self-reflection,” which has yet to gain traction. For now, the administration is relying on the tried-and-true strategy of issuing vague statements about moving forward while quietly Googling physical therapy clinics in the D.C. area.

When asked for comment, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre assured reporters the issue was “under control” but was seen wincing as she deflected questions with a pointed gesture toward her deputy.

“We remain committed to progress,” she said through gritted teeth. “Just… maybe with fewer hand motions.”