In a furious rant early Tuesday morning, former President Donald Trump demanded the immediate removal of what he called a “disgusting, horrible, totally unfair” portrait that had been hanging in his private bathroom at Mar-a-Lago. According to close aides, Trump believed the painting was “clearly done by a Democrat artist with no talent” and accused it of making him “look fat, droopy, and suspiciously orange.”

The situation escalated after Trump reportedly summoned an emergency meeting with interior decorators, MAGA memorabilia experts, and a local psychic who once blessed his cheeseburger.

“I don’t know who painted this thing,” Trump told reporters later that day, “but it’s a disaster. It looks like me if I lost all my money, friends, and tanning privileges. My cheeks? Saggy. My eyes? Sad. My lips? Weak. It’s a total hatchet job, folks. Honestly, it looks like a picture Joe Biden would hang in a haunted nursing home.”

Staffers say he attempted to cover the “portrait” with a MAGA beach towel but became enraged when it slipped off during what sources are calling a “highly confidential, late-night Taco Bowl incident.”

It was only after Eric Trump entered the room—while reportedly searching for his missing Lego Darth Vader—that he gently informed his father that the offensive image was not a painting at all, but rather a full-length mirror.

“I told him, ‘Dad, that’s you. It’s always been you,’” Eric explained. “He looked at me like I just told him Diet Coke was a hoax.”

After a prolonged silence and a full minute of finger-pointing at his own reflection, Trump finally responded, “Fake mirror. Probably installed by Obama.”

Since the incident, the Mar-a-Lago maintenance team has confirmed that all reflective surfaces in Trump’s personal quarters have been replaced with oil paintings of him from 1987. A memo was also issued to staff forbidding the use of the words “mirror,” “natural lighting,” or “human pores” in his presence.

Meanwhile, Truth Social was flooded with all-caps posts accusing mirrors of being “DECEPTIVE,” “WOKE,” and “UNBELIEVABLY RUDE TO MY JAWLINE.” A new hashtag, #BanMirrors, has begun trending among his supporters, who are calling for “patriotic alternatives to this liberal glass.”

In a later statement, Trump promised to “launch an investigation into mirror fraud” and teased a line of “Trump Reflectors,” which are rumored to only show you at your best angle — or Ivanka’s, depending on the setting.

When asked if he now accepted that the image was, in fact, his own reflection, Trump responded, “I’ve never seen that man before in my life.”

White House historians are calling it the most profound misunderstanding of mirrors since Narcissus fell into a pond.