Republicans Baffled as ICE Keeps Finding ‘Lazy Immigrants’ at Their Jobs
“If they’d just stop working so hard, we could finally deport them in peace,” says confused GOP lawmaker.
In a twist no one saw coming—except literally everyone—Republicans across the country are scratching their heads, wondering why Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) keeps rounding up undocumented immigrants at… their places of employment.
“We’ve spent years telling everyone these people are moochers, freeloaders, parasites on the hardworking American taxpayer,” said Senator Chuck Ribs (R-FL) while sipping a $9 latte made by an undocumented Guatemalan barista. “So imagine my surprise when ICE raided a poultry plant and found them elbow-deep in chicken guts. Disgusting. But like, impressive?”
The raids, reinforced under the “Make America Empty Again” initiative launched during President Trump’s golden age of Twitter governance, were meant to rid the nation of immigrants suspected of draining resources by doing such treasonous acts as “paying taxes,” “raising children,” and “keeping the agricultural economy afloat.”
However, officials have reported a troubling trend.
“They just keep… working,” said ICE Agent Brett Triggerstone. “We thought we’d find them lounging around in taxpayer-funded hot tubs or maybe binge-watching Telemundo on Section 8 couches. But they’re operating forklifts. They’re picking strawberries. One guy was the foreman. It’s like they want to contribute.”
The Trump administration, which prided itself on “hiring only the best people, as long as we don’t check their papers too closely,” has issued a new set of guidelines for ICE agents to avoid future embarrassments. Among the instructions:
- Stop looking for immigrants in factories and start checking yoga studios and Whole Foods.
- Assume anyone using a broom after 5 PM is a sleeper agent.
- Double-check anyone named “José” who knows how to weld.
Still, many Republican lawmakers remain confused about why immigrants don’t just do the decent thing and stop working altogether.
“If they’d just stay home and sponge like we say they do, none of this would be a problem,” said Rep. Linda Pillbox (R-OK). “But noooo, they have to go out and show up to the jobs Americans pretend to want. I mean, who really wants to wake up at 4 a.m. to roof a McMansion in Texas?”
The administration has suggested that immigrants’ insistence on providing for their families and maintaining dignity through labor is “directly interfering with ICE operations.” A new bill titled “The Stop Working So We Can Catch You Act” is being drafted to encourage undocumented immigrants to “give up already.”
Meanwhile, business owners who donated heavily to anti-immigrant politicians remain shocked at the sudden labor shortage caused by the arrests.
“I didn’t think they’d take my workers,” said Jeff Hunsucker, owner of Jeff’s Fine Dining and Dishwasher Exploitation Emporium. “I just thought they’d get the ones other people were using.”
As ICE ramps up its operations, experts warn that if this trend continues, America may face a future where rich white people are forced to mow their own lawns, clean their own houses, and possibly—God forbid—parent their own children.
“Let this be a warning,” said one ICE spokesperson. “Work hard, show up every day, and one of our trucks will be waiting outside to thank you for it—with a one-way trip to a detention center sponsored by the MyPillow guy.”
