V.P. J.D. Vance has declared that Democrats must stop reposting Charlie Kirk’s actual quotes, because they make Kirk look bad. According to Vance, the real problem isn’t Kirk’s history of mean-spirited rants, but the audacity of anyone who highlights them. “Democrats are taking Charlie’s words out of context,” Vance insisted, “by putting them in… context.” In this strange logic, hateful rhetoric is perfectly acceptable—so long as nobody reminds the public that it happened.

Critics note the move is essentially political dry cleaning: scrub out the stains of cruelty by punishing the people who point to the stains, not the ones who spilled them. If Kirk’s own words are his worst enemy, maybe that says more about Kirk than his critics. Still, Republicans remain adamant. In the new GOP handbook, the villain isn’t the person saying hateful things, it’s the person holding the receipts.

In the wake of the House Oversight Committee releasing a sexually suggestive note and sketch allegedly from Donald Trump in Jeffrey Epstein’s 2003 birthday book, Eric Trump rushed to his father’s defense on Newsmax—armed not with logic, evidence, or even crayons, but with the time-honored tradition of oversharing.

According to Eric, his father could not have written the note because Donald Trump has never in his life given a birthday card. Or remembered a birthday. Or expressed tender emotions in any format, typewritten or otherwise.

“I know it wasn’t him,” Eric told Newsmax with the confidence of a man who just discovered Santa isn’t real. “My father doesn’t draw pictures, he doesn’t write birthday notes, and he doesn’t wish anyone a happy birthday. Trust me, I would know.”

The Card in Question

The disputed entry in Epstein’s birthday book features typewritten text framed by the outline of a woman’s body. It closes with the line: “A pal is a wonderful thing. Happy birthday—and may every day be another wonderful secret.”

Below the waistline of the drawing appears a signature that looks suspiciously like Donald Trump’s.

Trump himself has denied the whole thing, calling it a “hoax” and “fake news,” and insisting on Truth Social: “These are not my words, not the way I talk. Also, I don’t draw pictures.”

Critics immediately pointed out that Trump has indeed sold his own sketches at auction in the past, fetching thousands. But according to Eric, that detail pales in comparison to the ironclad defense of “my dad doesn’t do birthdays.”

Pressed on whether this argument absolved his father of penning sexually suggestive cartoon notes for Epstein, Eric doubled down:
“If you think my dad remembered Jeffrey Epstein’s birthday in 2003, but not mine for the last 41 years, you don’t know my dad.”

While the wider Republican party grapples with whether to push for more Epstein documents, the Trump household seems locked in its own parallel debate: Does Donald Trump even know when his kids were born?

When asked about her father’s birthday habits, Ivanka was diplomatic: “He’s very busy.” Don Jr. shrugged and muttered something about “quality time on the golf course.” Eric, however, looked into the camera and pleaded, “If anyone has ever seen my dad give someone a birthday card, please call me. I just want to know what it feels like.”