UNITY IN 2025!!!

In a stunning display of rare and historic unity, the United States of America has come together as one to declare: “We have absolutely no idea who Robbie Williams is, and frankly, we’re fine with that.”

The epiphany struck after news broke that the upcoming Robbie Williams biopic, Better Man, generated less excitement stateside than a 4th of July tofu BBQ. A survey revealed that 93% of Americans, when asked about the British pop icon, responded with some variation of “Who?” or “Is he the guy from Mrs. Doubtfire?”

The remaining 7% assumed he was Robin Williams’ British cousin, a lesser-known Backstreet Boy, or perhaps an obscure regional mascot.

This cultural consensus has ignited joy across a country often polarized over everything from politics to pineapple on pizza. On Twitter, Americans swapped memes about Robbie Williams with giddy enthusiasm:

• “I Googled him. He’s like if the UK made their own Pitbull but forgot to send him over in the exchange program.”
• “Just found out he’s the guy who sings ‘Angels.’ Still no idea who that is, though. Angels from where???”
• “So… no Super Bowl halftime show for this guy?”

The confusion is particularly stark when compared to Robbie Williams’ massive popularity in the UK, where his name is synonymous with boy band royalty and iconic solo hits. In America, however, he ranks somewhere between Eurovision winners and that one British guy from Love Actually in terms of cultural recognition.

“I thought I’d seen his name on the credits for Ted Lasso,” admitted Greg Taylor of Omaha, Nebraska. “Turns out I was thinking of Robbie Savage, and even he’s a stretch.”

Even Hollywood insiders are puzzled. The marketing team behind Better Man reportedly debated whether to bill the film as “a touching journey of one man’s rise to global fame” or “The movie about that one guy who’s big in Europe… no, not David Hasselhoff.”

Meanwhile, the Better Man trailer has barely registered a blip on U.S. streaming platforms. Experts believe the lack of interest stems not from active dislike, but rather complete indifference. “It’s not that we hate Robbie Williams,” said cultural analyst Karen McMillan. “It’s just that he’s, well… extra credit on the syllabus of British exports.”

Across the pond, British fans are baffled. “How can they not know him?!” exclaimed 45-year-old diehard Sarah Winchester, standing in front of her Robbie shrine. “He’s Robbie bloody Williams! He’s basically the soundtrack to my ‘90s adolescence!”

Americans, however, remain unfazed. “Look, he seems cool and all,” said Stephanie Ortiz of Austin, Texas. “But we’ve already got Harry Styles, Ed Sheeran, and a backlog of royal scandals to keep track of. There’s only so much bandwidth for British imports.”

As the U.S. collectively shrugs its shoulders at Robbie Williams, political leaders have already proposed a national Who Is Robbie Williams Day, a federal holiday where citizens come together to not Google him. The holiday has bipartisan support and is expected to pass into law unanimously—a first in modern American history.

For now, the nation savors its newfound harmony. “We may argue about a lot of things,” said Jessica Reynolds of Columbus, Ohio, “but at least we can all agree on this: Robbie who?”