In a shocking revelation that has rocked the political landscape, former President Donald J. Trump has finally admitted why he was so passionate about banning plastic straws: one touched him inappropriately at his 13th birthday party. The confession came during an impromptu press conference at Mar-a-Lago, where Trump, standing in front of a golden ice...
X AE A-12 Declares Himself Supreme Overlord of America, Tells Trump to “Shut Your Mouth” WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling the most surreal take-your-child-to-work-day event in history, billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk brought his son, X Æ A-12, to what some are now referring to as “Bring Your Kid to the Presidential...
In an event that will go down in history as either the loudest synchronized scream or the final desperate cry of a collapsing nation, 250 million Americans simultaneously yelled “BINGO!” this morning after President Donald Trump’s latest actions successfully filled out their End of the World Bingo cards. The collective outburst, described by one scientist...
In a move that left educators scratching their heads and late-night comedians rubbing their hands in glee, President Trump unveiled his latest strategy to, in his words, “make education great again by making it less… complicated.” The first step? Dismantling the Department of Education, an institution he believes has been infiltrated by “radical zealots and...
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On his very first day as President, Donald J. Trump made history yet again. In a move that stunned scholars, political analysts, and even his most devoted supporters, Trump signed an executive order granting himself a “kagillion more executive orders” — a number so large it prompted White House staff to Google...
The Department of State announced today that all U.S. flags—state and national—will fly at “half-flaccid” to honor the inauguration of Donald Trump. Officials clarified that this involves a new flagpole design, where the banners droop at an awkward 45-degree angle, ensuring they “hang on, but not too proud,” a sentiment reportedly reflective of “national morale...
TikTok—the beloved app that made viral watermelon steak tutorials a household phenomenon—is facing a potential nationwide ban, leaving Gen Z creators scrambling to find alternative platforms to share their groundbreaking revelation: that watermelon, when seared just right, can allegedly taste like steak. For millions of Gen Z TikTok users, this isn’t just about losing an...
UNITY IN 2025!!! In a stunning display of rare and historic unity, the United States of America has come together as one to declare: “We have absolutely no idea who Robbie Williams is, and frankly, we’re fine with that.” The epiphany struck after news broke that the upcoming Robbie Williams biopic, Better Man, generated less...
In a groundbreaking development in the annals of absurd historical milestones, Elon Musk has officially been declared the second most history-changing piece of shit—just behind the infamous turd that indirectly caused Elvis Presley’s fatal bathroom heart attack. A Turd of Legendary Proportions The “Elvis Turd,” as it’s colloquially known, has long been heralded as the...
Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In what observers are calling a “bold and festive display of manifest destiny,” President-elect Donald Trump reportedly spent Christmas Day asserting ownership over family members’ gifts by licking his finger, touching the desired item, and loudly declaring, “Mine!” Eyewitnesses at the Trump family Christmas celebration said the 78-year-old “billionaire” turned political firebrand...