In an almost too-familiar return to the cabinet-assembling scene, Donald Trump is confident his latest picks, which reportedly include names like Matt Gaetz, Stephen Miller, Elon Musk, and Pete Hegseth, will take much longer to turn against him. “Look, this time, I’m giving myself at least a full year before someone starts writing a tell-all...
“Running out of clouds to yell at!” November 2024 – Across the country, a cloud of anxiety looms over Thanksgiving gatherings as millions of Boomer parents, aunts, and uncles struggle to find a suitable topic to argue about over the dinner table. Following Trump’s unexpected victory, the traditional feast-day yelling that once united families in...
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In an unprecedented surge of user activity, Google has reported the highest volume search term in the company’s history following former president Donald Trump’s unexpected reelection victory. The leading query? “Holy fucking shit what just happened did he get reelected how do I buy a house in Canada?” closely followed by...
In a last act of loyalty, late Home Depot co-founder Bernard Marcus has reportedly made clear that his political intentions will remain as vibrant as his impact on the home improvement industry—even from beyond the grave. Before passing, Marcus expressed little concern over his absence in this election cycle, confident that his votes, totaling six...
former President Donald Trump and Senator J.D. Vance held a press conference yesterday to issue a formal apology to the women of America, acknowledging that their previous dismissive comments might have been in poor taste. Both men, however, sheepishly admitted that they simply hadn’t realized women were part of the voter pool. “Look, in my...
McDonald’s is facing a new controversy after customers reported experiencing severe illness—not from E. coli this time, but from an unexpected ingredient found in their beloved fries: Donald Trump’s signature orange bronzer. This scandal comes hot on the heels of a viral photo-op involving the former president, where he visited a McDonald’s in downtown Tulsa,...
Donald Trump has unveiled his latest product: the Trump Timepiece™. This revolutionary watch has promised to redefine how we perceive time, not by telling it accurately, but by telling you why all other watches are complete and total failures. At a flashy press conference in Mar-a-Lago, Trump declared, “I’ve got the best watch, folks. The...
Washington, D.C. — As Donald Trump continues his quest to retake the White House, a growing number of Republican staffers are quietly voicing concerns—not about his poll numbers, his legal troubles, or his controversial policies—but about his ability to continue one of his more infamous pastimes: sexually harassing women. In off-the-record conversations with Fox News,...
Tallahassee, FL – As Hurricane Milton slams into Florida, leaving thousands scrambling for basic necessities like food, water, and a decent Wi-Fi signal, Governor Ron DeSantis has stepped up to address the growing concern over one critical shortage: toilet paper. At a press conference today, DeSantis announced that while the state has stockpiles of canned...