Friday 4th April, 2025

Henry Kissinger Taken Back To How Hot And Flamey Heaven Is

In a surprising turn of celestial events, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was taken aback upon his arrival in heaven to find it not quite the pearly gates and fluffy clouds he had envisioned. Instead, he was welcomed by a rather toasty atmosphere, with celestial flames flickering in the distance.

Reports suggest that Kissinger, famous for his diplomatic prowess and international relations expertise, initially assumed it was just a warm reception committee. However, as the heat intensified, he couldn’t help but quip, “I’ve negotiated peace in the Cold War, but I didn’t sign up for heavenly heat!”

Unfazed by the unexpected climate, Kissinger soon discovered that heaven had undergone some renovations. The once tranquil paradise had transformed into a sizzling hot spot, complete with heavenly BBQs and eternal bonfires. It turns out that after millennia of sitting around on clouds, the angels decided to spice things up a bit.

“I always thought heaven would be a bit more chill,” Kissinger remarked, dabbing his forehead with a celestial handkerchief. “But hey, at least it’s a dry heat.”

Despite the initial shock, Kissinger found solace in the fact that many of his old friends and colleagues were there to welcome him. The heavenly reunion turned into a grand diplomatic gathering, with figures from history and politics sharing stories and reminiscing about the good old earthly days.

“I never expected to see Mao and Nixon bonding over celestial marshmallows,” Kissinger chuckled, observing the unexpected camaraderie among the diverse heavenly inhabitants.

As the heavenly flames roared in the background, Kissinger reunited with familiar faces like Richard Nixon,

“Heaven may be a bit hotter than anticipated, but the company is unbeatable,” Kissinger admitted, raising a cosmic cocktail in a toast to newfound friendships. “Who knew eternity came with a side of eternal summer?”

And so, in this unexpected twist of fate, Henry Kissinger learned that sometimes heaven is not about the weather but the warmth of the relationships you cultivate – even if it comes with a celestial sunburn.

New Evidence Shows Donner Party Victims of High Protein Diet

Documents recently discovered by historians at Stanford University reveal that members of the famed Donner Party did not eat their friends and family members out of desperation, as has been the belief, but rather because they were on a high-protein diet.

The Donner Party became hopelessly lost in 1846 on their way out west and had to camp in the snow and wilderness with, it has previously been claimed, no food or water. Forced to fend for themselves, it has been believed, they ate their own in order to survive the harsh winter.

“In fact,” says historian David Grimly-Smith of Stanford’s American history department, “we have discovered that the Donner Party had with them four hundred pounds of rice, one hundred pounds of macaroni and three hundred and fifty loaves of fresh baked cinnamon bread.”

However, Grimly-Smith says, documents uncovered — including letters and diaries — in the woods of California “positively indicate that the Donner family and the people they were traveling with were actually on a 19th century version of the Atkins diet.

They simply did not want to carbo-load.

This changes our view of American history entirely. Here we had thought the high-protein craze started in the 1970s and was most popular among celebrities and the wealthy. Now we see it was around in the mid 19th century and was even in vogue among the general populace. A lot of textbooks are going to have to be rewritten, let me tell you.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene Say Biden Did Nothing to Stop Dinosaur Extinction

Washington, DC – Marjorie Taylor Greene today denounced the Biden Administration for having done nothing to avert the extinction of the dinosaurs. Senator Mitch McConnell, of Kentucky, ranking member on the Senate Dinosaur Extinction Oversight Panel, says that the Biden Administration came into office with no clear plan for dealing with nuclear-winter-causing giant meteors.

“The lack of a clearly defined giant reptilian extinction policy is just scandalous,” said Senator McConnell at a press conference this morning. “Even at this late date, there is still no unified and well thought out policy concerning dinosaur extinction emanating from the White House.”

Robert C. O’Brien, National Security Advisor under former President Trump, says that the Trump Administration handed over to the Biden Administration in 2021 not only the most ethical administration in the history of the country but also a complete and fully functioning dinosaur extinction policy.

“The Biden Administration really dropped the ball on this one,” said Greene yesterday on CBS’s Face the Nation. “If President Biden had followed our plan there would be brontosauruses swimming in the Potomac today. But the Biden Administration seems obsessed with the so-called “Actions to Strengthen America’s Supply Chains, Lower Costs for Families, and Secure Key Sectors.”

Speaking on ABC’s Good Morning America earlier today, Vice President Harris defended the Biden Administration’s record. “There are plenty of dinosaurs roaming the streets. All you have to do is take a peek in the Cloak Room in the Senate.”

World Glances Up From Phones, Shrugs, and Resumes Scrolling

In a surprising turn of events today, the entire world collectively tore its gaze away from its beloved screens, only to be met with an underwhelming reality that left many unimpressed. It was a momentous occasion that sparked a global ‘meh’ heard ’round the world.

People from every corner of the globe paused, their eyes collectively lifting from their screens like a synchronized smartphone ballet. Birds chirped, a gentle breeze rustled leaves, and for a brief moment, the world experienced the novel sensation of unfiltered reality.

Expectations were high. But after a quick inhale of the state of the world, it was time to resume a much tamer world online.

The Underwhelming Spectacle

As the world gazed upwards with a sense of eager anticipation, what met their eyes was war, anger, starvation, Kardashians. It was as if God took another giant shit on our big blue marble.

In an unspoken agreement, the world let out a collective sigh, followed by an audible chorus of disappointment. “Is that it?” muttered Dave Peters from San Francisco, who had momentarily stopped scrolling through cat memes. “I was expecting, I don’t know, at least a UFO or a a decent reboot of something.”

With a synchronized shrug, the world collectively looked back down at its phones, returning to the infinitely more captivating realms of social media, endless scrolling, and the pursuit of the next viral sensation. It seemed the momentary break from screens had left many yearning for the comfort of digital distractions.

Conclusion: The Day the Sky Couldn’t Compete

In the end, it appears the world’s brief hiatus from screens was a momentary blip in the cosmic timeline. The universe’s attempt to captivate its audience fell flat, leaving humanity to wonder if the celestial show was canceled or simply postponed for a more convenient time.

As the world collectively returned to its digital sanctuary, one thing became abundantly clear: when it comes to entertainment, the universe has a lot to learn from the captivating allure of social media. Maybe next time, cosmos, maybe next time.

Thousands Boast Plan To Save Money By Not Paying Bills While Not Having A Job

In a world where financial wizardry meets unemployment chic, a growing trend is taking the internet by storm. Thousands of people are proudly announcing their master plan to save hundreds of dollars every month by boldly not paying their bills. Who needs a job when you can be a budgeting maverick, right?

The “Not-a-Bill-Payer” Movement

Move over, financial gurus and budgeting experts; there’s a new breed of economic strategists in town, and they’re thriving on the edge of insolvency. The “Not-a-Bill-Payer” movement is sweeping social media, with self-proclaimed fiscal renegades proudly sharing their money-saving exploits.

Unemployed and Unimpressed

“I used to work hard for my money, but then I realized I could work hard at not working hard and save even more!” declares Jenny, a self-appointed financial guru who has not paid her utilities for three months straight. “Who needs electricity when you can light your room with the glow of your unpaid bills?”

The Art of Bill Jenga

Participants in this financial revolution have turned bill-dodging into an art form. From playing “Bill Jenga” to see how long they can stack up unpaid invoices without consequences to hosting online competitions for the most creative excuses to give creditors, these individuals are rewriting the rules of fiscal responsibility.

The Power of Manifesting Debt Freedom

Advocates of the movement firmly believe in the power of manifesting debt freedom. “If you believe hard enough that you don’t owe money, the universe will conspire to make it true,” says Mark, who hasn’t paid his rent in four months and attributes his eviction notice to a simple cosmic misunderstanding.

Budgeting Bingo: Dodging Bills Edition

As a nod to their commitment, some enthusiasts have introduced a Budgeting Bingo card, featuring squares like “Ignored Call from Creditors,” “Used ‘The Check’s in the Mail’ Excuse,” and “Pretended to Be Asleep When the Landlord Knocked.”

Living the #BudgetlessLife

The movement even has its own hashtag, #BudgetlessLife, where participants proudly flaunt their frugal escapades. From sharing tips on how to avoid collection calls to brainstorming creative ways to make ramen noodles a gourmet experience, this online community is as vibrant as it is debt-ridden.

Unemployment Olympics: Who Can Save the Most?

In the spirit of friendly competition, some members have initiated the “Unemployment Olympics,” where participants vie for the title of “Most Unemployed and Still Surviving.” Categories include “Best Excuse for Not Paying Rent” and “Longest Time Without a Job and Loving It.”

Conclusion: The Unemployed Philosopher’s Guide to Thriftiness

While financial advisors may raise eyebrows at this unconventional approach to budgeting, the “Not-a-Bill-Payer” movement is undeniably carving out its niche in the world of fiscal eccentricity. As the trend continues to gain momentum, one thing is clear: these budgeting pioneers are proving that sometimes the most creative financial strategies come from those who dare to question the status quo – even if it means questioning the necessity of paying bills altogether. After all, who needs credit when you can have the sheer audacity of financial rebellion? Welcome to the revolution of the #BudgetlessLife!

Broken Newz Returns After 18 Year Nap

Broken Newz right before it went on a long map

In the ever-evolving landscape of online satire, there’s a familiar name making headlines once again. After a prolonged hiatus, Broken Newz has emerged from the depths of internet history, ready to reclaim its throne as a pioneer in the world of satire news. Founded in 2001, Broken Newz quickly became a prominent player in the satire genre, blending humor with a keen eye for societal absurdities. Now, in 2023, the mastermind behind it all, Bill Doty, has dusted off his satirical pen and is set to tackle the present news with the same wit and irreverence that made Broken Newz a household name.

A Humorous Genesis

Back in the early 2000s, the internet was a wild west of creativity, and Broken Newz was at the forefront of the digital revolution. Founded by Bill Doty in 2001, the website swiftly carved out its niche by delivering satirical news that walked the fine line between hilarious and thought-provoking. The platform became a staple for those seeking a comedic take on current events.

The Ascension and Sale

As Broken Newz gained popularity, it didn’t take long for the platform to catch the attention of media enthusiasts. In 2007, during the height of its success, Broken Newz was sold, marking the end of an era for Doty and his brainchild. The sale allowed Doty to transition into the world of film and television, where he continued to channel his creative energies.

The Relaunch: Breaking New Ground

Now, in 2023, Broken Newz is back with a vengeance. Bill Doty, the visionary behind the satire juggernaut, has returned to the helm, bringing his unique blend of humor and insight to a new generation of readers. The relaunched Broken Newz promises to tackle contemporary issues with the same biting satire that made it a favorite in the early days of online comedy.

Navigating the Present News Landscape

In an era dominated by rapidly evolving news cycles and ever-shifting societal landscapes, Broken Newz aims to provide a comedic lens through which to view the world. Doty’s return signifies not just a revival of a website but a reinvigoration of a genre that has become increasingly essential in navigating the complexities of the modern information age.

Joining the Laughter: What to Expect

As Broken Newz makes its triumphant return, readers can anticipate a fresh take on today’s news, with Doty’s signature style guiding the narrative. The platform’s relaunch is a testament to the enduring appeal of satire and the indomitable spirit of its creator.

Conclusion: A Satirical Resurgence

In the ever-changing landscape of digital media, Broken Newz stands as a testament to the enduring power of satire. Bill Doty’s return to the helm marks a new chapter for the platform, one that promises to inject humor and insight into the pressing issues of today. As readers eagerly await the next headline, Broken Newz once again takes its place in the spotlight, proving that some things are just too good to stay in the archives of internet history. Welcome back, Broken Newz – the world has been eagerly awaiting your humorous insights!