The House Ethics Committee has concluded that former Congressman Matt Gaetz possesses absolutely no ethics whatsoever. This finding comes after an exhaustive investigation into allegations of sexual misconduct, drug use, and other illicit activities. The 37-page report, released today, details a series of actions by Gaetz that violate numerous state laws and House conduct rules....
Washington, D.C. — As political pundits speculate on a potential return to the White House by Donald Trump, the cleaning staff at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has issued a collective plea: Please, no. “We just finished getting out the ketchup stains,” said longtime custodian Marjorie Pickett, referencing the former president’s infamous habit of expressing displeasure by...
“The comeback is real!” tweets a hopeful millionaire-turned-Uber driver. Crypto enthusiasts are in high spirits this week as Bitcoin surged to an impressive $28,000—a number that, while still a fraction of its former $60,000 glory, has inspired a wave of optimism among long-suffering investors. “This is the comeback we’ve been waiting for!” tweeted self-proclaimed crypto...
America Stunned by 4D Chess Move Washington, D.C. — In a political maneuver that has left both cable news pundits and dinner table debaters reeling, President Joe Biden has issued a pardon to former President Donald Trump. The catch? Biden’s pardon explicitly cites Trump’s pardon of a family member as its inspiration, with Biden’s own...
Washington, D.C. — A baffling epidemic of arm and wrist pain has gripped Democrats in and around the White House, and experts are blaming a single culprit: excessive finger-pointing. Sources close to the administration report that the condition, informally dubbed “Blame Strain Syndrome,” has reached crisis levels as party members scramble to identify culprits for...
Spokane, WA — Alexandra Duggan, a reporter for the Spokesman-Review, has found herself in an unexpected professional crisis. After blazing a trail through newsrooms in Boise—leaving scandalized supervisors at KTVB and the Idaho Press in her wake—Duggan has discovered an unfortunate truth about the journalism industry: at some point, you have to actually write. “I...
Earth’s reputation as the universe’s “Goldilocks planet” is officially over. In a stunning fall from grace, Earth has been downgraded from the best place to live to the third most hostile planet, trailing behind the scorching infernos of Mercury and Venus. Experts cite two key reasons for this nosedive: Donald Trump’s reelection and Elon Musk’s...
In an almost too-familiar return to the cabinet-assembling scene, Donald Trump is confident his latest picks, which reportedly include names like Matt Gaetz, Stephen Miller, Elon Musk, and Pete Hegseth, will take much longer to turn against him. “Look, this time, I’m giving myself at least a full year before someone starts writing a tell-all...
“Running out of clouds to yell at!” November 2024 – Across the country, a cloud of anxiety looms over Thanksgiving gatherings as millions of Boomer parents, aunts, and uncles struggle to find a suitable topic to argue about over the dinner table. Following Trump’s unexpected victory, the traditional feast-day yelling that once united families in...
