Move over, Zuck, there’s a new creeper in town, and it’s none other than Elon Musk! That’s right, the man who once challenged Vladimir Putin to single combat over the fate of Ukraine has now bested Mark Zuckerberg to claim the number one spot on Forbes‘ illustrious “Creepiest Billionaire” list. It’s been a nail-biting race,...
Oklahoma City, OK — Oklahoma’s State Superintendent of Public Instruction, Ryan Walters, known for his recent push to reintroduce the Bible into schools, is now taking his campaign for moral purity to new heights—or rather, new inflatables. In an unexpected turn during a press conference, Walters unveiled his latest legislative proposal: a requirement that all...
Ex First Lady Melania Trump has officially declared her support for legalized abortion—but with a catch. Standing in front of a dramatically oversized portrait of herself in her signature “I don’t really sleep with my husband, do u?” jacket, Melania addressed a small gathering of loyal fans and bewildered reporters at her Florida home, Mar-a-Lago,...
Heaven (October 1, 2024) – In a stunning turn of celestial events, Pete Rose, the legendary baseball star who was infamously banned from Major League Baseball for gambling, has now found himself banned from heaven after an even more shocking revelation: he placed a bet on his own death in a heavenly dead pool. Sources...
J.D. Vance’s vice presidential campaign team has reportedly decided to substitute Vance with a puppet for the upcoming debate against Tim Walz. The decision, sources say, is aimed at making Vance appear “more relatable and human.” “We’ve tried everything,” said an anonymous campaign insider. “Coaching, empathy training, even forcing him to binge-watch Ted Lasso. But...
The artist formerly known as Puffy, Puff, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, and, most recently, Love, has decided to change his name yet again in hopes of dodging his current legal issues. Sources close to the hip-hop mogul say Sean Combs, or whatever he’s calling himself today, believes a new identity might confuse the court...
Senator J.D. Vance has announced that henceforth, he will only deliver his campaign speeches while hiding behind bushes. The decision, Vance explained at a press conference (from behind a row of expertly trimmed hedges), is part of an effort to “come off as less creepy” to the American public. “Look, I’m a reasonable guy,” Vance...
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has declared a “State of Emergency” for his rapidly sinking poll numbers. The announcement came during a hastily organized press conference in front of a deflating “DeSantis 2024” banner, where the governor reassured the public that his administration is fully prepared to “combat the poll disaster with the same vigor we...
In a move that has stunned political pundits and family dinner tables alike, thousands of Republican women across the country have chosen to literally eat their young in an effort to prove once and for all that conservative women, like their Democratic counterparts, do not require children to assert political or personal power. The mass...
In what many are calling his most creative endeavor yet, Donald Trump Jr. has taken to TikTok with an unexpected and highly controversial new series of videos. Titled Neighborhood Nom Noms, the series aims to teach Americans how to cook delicious, homey meals using stray cats and dogs “liberated” from local yards, alleyways, and, in...