In a move that left educators scratching their heads and late-night comedians rubbing their hands in glee, President Trump unveiled his latest strategy to, in his words, “make education great again by making it less… complicated.” The first step? Dismantling the Department of Education, an institution he believes has been infiltrated by “radical zealots and Marxists”

“Why do we need a whole department for education?” Trump mused during a press conference. “I mean, I turned out fantastic without all that fancy schooling. Just ask anyone—I’m a very stable genius.”

To assist in this endeavor, Trump appointed former wrestling executive Linda McMahon as his Secretary of Education. Critics were quick to point out her lack of experience in the field, but Trump dismissed these concerns. “Linda knows how to body-slam bureaucracy,” he quipped, referencing her WWE past

But the pièce de résistance of Trump’s plan is the introduction of “Trumpinaries”—dictionaries personally curated by the president himself. “These books will increase vocabulary bigly,” Trump proclaimed. “No more of those boring words nobody understands. We’re keeping it simple, folks.”

Early excerpts from the Trumpinary have leaked, revealing some of the president’s innovative definitions:

• Covfefe (noun): A state of unparalleled success; e.g., “We’re winning so much, it’s pure covfefe.”
• Bigly (adverb): To a great extent; e.g., “We’re going to cut taxes bigly.”
• Unpresidented (noun): Someone who isn’t president anymore

In a bold move to simplify language further, Trump announced plans to eliminate “unnecessary” letters from the alphabet. “Who needs ‘Q’ and ‘X’ anyway?” he questioned. “They’re just taking up space. Sad!”

As part of the educational overhaul, Trump also proposed replacing traditional subjects with courses he deems more practical. “Instead of algebra, let’s teach kids about deal-making. Instead of history, let’s focus on Trump history—the best history.”

While some critics argue that these moves could lead to a less informed populace, supporters are thrilled. “Finally, a curriculum that speaks to the common man,” said one enthusiastic parent. “My kid doesn’t need to know about Pythagoras; he needs to know how to brand himself.”

As the nation braces for this educational revolution, one thing is certain: schools will never be the same. Or, as the president might put it, “Education is about to get a yuge makeover. Believe me.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On his very first day as President, Donald J. Trump made history yet again. In a move that stunned scholars, political analysts, and even his most devoted supporters, Trump signed an executive order granting himself a “kagillion more executive orders” — a number so large it prompted White House staff to Google whether it was a real word (it isn’t).

“This is the most important executive order, maybe ever. Some are saying it’s genius. I’m not saying it, but people are saying it,” Trump announced during a surprise press conference in the Oval Office. “I had one executive order, folks, just one. And I thought, why stop there? Why not go big? So I asked myself: ‘What’s the biggest number?’ And the answer, of course, is kagillion. Tremendous number. Huge.”

The executive order itself, officially titled Executive Order #1: The Bigly Expansion of Executive Order Power for the Best President Ever (and unofficially nicknamed “The Infinity Wish”), contains a single sentence:

“I, Donald J. Trump, hereby grant myself a kagillion more executive orders because I deserve it, and everyone knows it, okay? Believe me.”

Within hours of signing the order, Trump put his newfound powers to work. His second executive order declared every day “National Trump Day,” complete with parades, commemorative coins, and mandatory Trump steaks at all federal cafeterias. His third order banned “fake news outlets” from White House grounds, a category that now includes any media that doesn’t refer to him as “Your Excellency, the Orange Wizard of Winning.”

By the end of his first week, Trump had issued 872 executive orders, including one requiring all Mount Rushmore statues to “look a little more Trumpy” and another mandating that wind turbines apologize for “making cancer.”

When asked if there’s a limit to his executive powers, Trump laughed. “A limit? No, no. I’ve got a kagillion, remember? Kagillion. It’s a number. It’s huge. Bigger than anything anyone’s ever had. And guess what? If I run out, I’ll just give myself a bajillion more. Simple!”

As Trump left the press conference to sign Executive Order #873, titled “Melania Has to Hold My Hand,” staffers quietly debated whether “kagillion” would be added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

“We’re living in a cartoon now,” sighed one aide.

Meanwhile, in a dark corner of the White House basement, a dusty genie lamp sat on a shelf, trembling.

The Department of State announced today that all U.S. flags—state and national—will fly at “half-flaccid” to honor the inauguration of Donald Trump. Officials clarified that this involves a new flagpole design, where the banners droop at an awkward 45-degree angle, ensuring they “hang on, but not too proud,” a sentiment reportedly reflective of “national morale and overall vibes.” Sources close to the former president lauded the decision as “unprecedented greatness,” with Trump himself claiming, “No other nation’s flags are flaccid like ours. Other countries are looking, believe me.”

Critics argue the move is emblematic of broader dysfunction, with one senator lamenting, “We’ve gone from waving the flag to lightly draping it over a chair and hoping for the best.” Meanwhile, the new policy has sparked unexpected entrepreneurial opportunities, with manufacturers rushing to create collapsible flagpoles capable of “gentle disinterest.” Social media users, unsurprisingly, were quick to capitalize, with hashtags like #FlaccidFreedom and #SaggingWithPride trending. As one commentator quipped, “This might be the only time a limp showing gets this much national attention.”

Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In what observers are calling a “bold and festive display of manifest destiny,” President-elect Donald Trump reportedly spent Christmas Day asserting ownership over family members’ gifts by licking his finger, touching the desired item, and loudly declaring, “Mine!”

Eyewitnesses at the Trump family Christmas celebration said the 78-year-old “billionaire” turned political firebrand enacted the tradition shortly after the opening of gifts commenced. The spectacle began when Eric Trump unwrapped a limited-edition drone, which Trump promptly claimed by licking his index finger, pressing it onto the drone, and bellowing, “This is tremendous. It’s mine now. I just claimed it. That’s how it works.”

Ivanka Trump, poised as ever, reportedly attempted to explain that the drone was Eric’s gift, to which Trump retorted, “No, it’s mine. I just did the thing. You saw it. He didn’t claim it first. Sad!”

An Expanding Christmas Empire

The scene escalated as Trump went on to annex Barron Trump’s PlayStation 5, Melania’s diamond bracelet, and even the turkey centerpiece. “This is bigger than the Louisiana Purchase,” Trump reportedly told guests. “You don’t see people complaining about that, do you? Same principle.”

When Donald Trump Jr. protested after his father claimed his brand-new hunting rifle, Trump dismissed him with a wave. “You’re weak, Don. You didn’t even try to claim it. Loser move. Big loser energy.”

Inspired by Past Conquests

Trump’s Christmas antics appear to mirror his reported obsession with territorial acquisitions, as highlighted in a recent Rolling Stone article. According to sources close to the former president, Trump has previously floated ideas such as “buying Greenland,” “reclaiming the Panama Canal,” and, most perplexingly, “annexing Canada” after mistakenly believing he could “just take it.”

Critics argue that Trump’s holiday behavior is emblematic of his broader worldview, where the act of claiming something—regardless of feasibility or propriety—makes it so. In this instance, his claim to gifts seemed to hinge solely on the moist authenticity of a licked finger.

Backlash and Confusion

The unorthodox gift-claiming spree has sparked backlash even within Trump’s own circle. “It’s not fair,” said Eric Trump in a tearful post-Christmas interview. “I just wanted to fly my drone, but now Dad says it’s going to be part of his ‘Space Force’ collection.”

Twitter users also had a field day with the story, trending the hashtag #Claimmas. One user wrote, “If licking your finger and yelling ‘Mine!’ worked, I’d have a mansion by now.” Another quipped, “Guess the Emoluments Clause doesn’t cover Christmas gifts.”

Future Aspirations

By the end of the day, Trump reportedly claimed the entire Mar-a-Lago property itself, stating, “Honestly, I don’t think I ever really claimed it. But now I did. Merry Christmas to me!”

When asked by reporters outside the estate if he planned to extend his “lick-and-claim” strategy to public policy, Trump grinned. “Greenland? Already licked it in my head. That’s mine too. The Panama Canal? Mine, mine, mine.”

For now, Mar-a-Lago remains his self-declared Christmas empire, but insiders suggest Trump is eyeing bigger prizes for the new year. Rumor has it, the White House will soon bear a small, sticky fingerprint on its front door.

The House Ethics Committee has concluded that former Congressman Matt Gaetz possesses absolutely no ethics whatsoever. This finding comes after an exhaustive investigation into allegations of sexual misconduct, drug use, and other illicit activities.

The 37-page report, released today, details a series of actions by Gaetz that violate numerous state laws and House conduct rules. Among the most startling findings is evidence that Gaetz paid over $90,000 to 12 women for sex and drugs, including a 17-year-old girl.

“We were prepared to find some ethical lapses,” said Committee Chairperson Ima Virtuous. “But to uncover a total absence of ethics? That’s a first.”

The report outlines instances where Gaetz engaged in drug-fueled parties, used his congressional status for personal favors, and attempted to obstruct justice. Despite a three-year FBI investigation resulting in no criminal charges, the Ethics Committee found substantial evidence of misconduct.

In response to the report, Gaetz filed a lawsuit to block its release, arguing that as a private citizen, the committee lacks jurisdiction over him. He also contended that the report would cause “severe and irreparable damage” to his reputation.

“It’s challenging to damage something that doesn’t exist,” quipped political analyst Polly Tician.

Gaetz’s resignation from Congress last month, following his selection by President-elect Donald Trump for the role of Attorney General—a nomination he later withdrew due to expected challenges in Senate confirmation—has only added to the controversy.

“We thought appointing someone with zero ethics to lead the Department of Justice was a bit on the nose,” commented an anonymous White House insider.

As the political world reels from these revelations, the House Ethics Committee is considering renaming itself the “House Ethics and Lack Thereof Committee” to accommodate future findings of this nature.

“We need to be inclusive of all members,” Chairperson Virtuous noted.

Meanwhile, Gaetz has announced plans to host a new reality TV show titled “Ethics? Never Heard of ‘Em!” The show promises to take viewers on a behind-the-scenes tour of Washington’s most ethically challenged politicians.

“It’s time to turn my lack of ethics into entertainment,” Gaetz said in a statement. “After all, if you can’t beat ’em, monetize ’em.”

Washington, D.C. — As political pundits speculate on a potential return to the White House by Donald Trump, the cleaning staff at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has issued a collective plea: Please, no.

“We just finished getting out the ketchup stains,” said longtime custodian Marjorie Pickett, referencing the former president’s infamous habit of expressing displeasure by hurling condiments. “It took two industrial-grade power washers and a small team of exorcists to get the walls clean. And don’t even get me started on the carpets!”

The staff confirmed that Trump left the White House in 2021 without getting his security deposit back. “Frankly, the damage exceeded the deposit tenfold,” explained Edgar Murkowski, head of facilities management. “The gilded toilet alone needed thousands of dollars in repairs. And then there was the dining room… Oh, the dining room.”

The dining room, according to multiple sources, still carries an inexplicable odor described as a mix between overdone steak, spray tan solution, and “unprocessed rage.” Despite countless deep cleanings, Murkowski says the smell persists. “It’s like the ghost of Mar-a-Lago haunts that room. Even the Lincoln Bedroom didn’t smell this bad after Andrew Jackson slept in there.”

Unique Challenges of a Trump Presidency

Staff also expressed concerns about preparing for Trump’s well-documented dietary preferences, should he return. “We’re still finding stray fries behind radiators, and I’ll never forget the time we found a McRib box stuffed into the Resolute Desk,” said White House chef Juanita Gómez.

The cleaning team faced other peculiar challenges during Trump’s tenure, including mysterious orange streaks on bathroom sinks, unexplained scorch marks on the Oval Office rug, and what one staffer referred to as “tweet residue” on every electronic device.

“We had to bring in a forensic cleaner just to scrape the all-caps shouting out of the White House servers,” said IT technician Doug Harris.

A Plea for Change

Despite their trauma, staff members remain hopeful. “We’ve scrubbed this place top to bottom, and it’s finally starting to feel like a home again,” said Pickett, gesturing to a pristine hallway. “But if he comes back, I swear I’m retiring. Let someone else handle the Diet Coke button and the Sharpie graffiti on the hurricane maps.”

As speculation swirls, the staff is reportedly preparing a special “Trump Clause” for his next lease agreement, should he reclaim the Oval Office. “We’re going to need triple the deposit,” said Murkowski. “And a certified promise to keep the ketchup on the plate.”

Brokenewz.com reached out to Trump’s spokesperson for comment but received only an email containing the words “FAKE NEWS!!!” in size 72 Comic Sans font.