Saturday 26th April, 2025

Elon Musk Becomes 2nd Most History-Changing “Piece of Sh*t” After the Elvis Incident

In a groundbreaking development in the annals of absurd historical milestones, Elon Musk has officially been declared the second most history-changing piece of shit—just behind the infamous turd that indirectly caused Elvis Presley’s fatal bathroom heart attack.

A Turd of Legendary Proportions

The “Elvis Turd,” as it’s colloquially known, has long been heralded as the pinnacle of excremental significance. According to historical accounts, the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll met his untimely end in 1977 while sitting on his porcelain throne, battling what doctors later described as a “massive, terminal poop.” This unassuming bowel movement inadvertently ended the life of one of the greatest cultural icons of all time, leaving the world to wonder: What if that turd hadn’t existed?

Elon’s Rise to #2

While the Elvis Turd has held the title unchallenged for decades, Elon Musk has spent the last few years making an undeniable case for himself. Between launching flamethrowers for no reason, buying Twitter for $44 billion and turning it into a bad group chat, and naming his child “X Æ A-12” (a name rejected even by Star Wars fans), Musk has proven that his contributions to society are as messy as they are memorable.

Elon Musk’s influence on American democracy is proving to be a double-edged sword, with many critics arguing he’s wielding his power recklessly. By turning Twitter (now X) into a megaphone for conspiracy theories and misinformation, Musk has amplified divisive rhetoric, making the platform a haven for chaos rather than constructive discourse. His actions during the 2024 election, such as allowing content that undermined trust in the democratic process to flourish, arguably tilted the scales in favor of political extremism. By normalizing false narratives and prioritizing “free speech” policies that cater to sensationalism over truth, Musk has helped erode the already fragile trust Americans have in their institutions.

Now, Musk’s attention is shifting to Europe, but the damage to America is already evident. His approach to content moderation, or lack thereof, has emboldened bad actors, spread disinformation, and widened ideological rifts. The prioritization of engagement at the expense of accuracy has not only corrupted the public discourse but also left voters more polarized and misinformed than ever before. Musk’s unchecked influence demonstrates the risks of entrusting vital platforms of communication to billionaires whose motivations often appear aligned more with personal amusement than public responsibility.

“Few individuals can change history while leaving behind such an unflattering legacy,” said Dr. Linda Stoolwater, a leading expert in dubious accomplishments. “But Musk’s ability to stir global controversy with a single tweet about Dogecoin is a close rival to the turd that took down the King.”

A Race to the Bottom

The debate over Musk’s placement on the list intensified after his recent pivot to turning Twitter (now X, for some inexplicable reason) into a platform that charges $8 for people to be ignored more efficiently. Critics argue that this move alone warrants his elevation to #2 on the list, as it has fundamentally changed the way people waste time online.

“Elon Musk’s actions have undoubtedly reshaped the digital landscape,” said cultural critic Bryan Flushing. “But unlike the Elvis Turd, which brought about a swift and conclusive end, Musk’s contributions are more like a slow, lingering intestinal discomfort for humanity.”

Musk Responds

Unsurprisingly, Musk took to X to address the announcement in his trademark style.
“LOL, I’m honored to be #2! But don’t forget: I’ll make Mars sh*ttier too. 🚀💩” he tweeted, sparking 1.2 million likes, 900,000 hate replies, and at least 15 lawsuits.

What’s Next for Musk?

As Musk continues his quest to outdo the Elvis Turd, experts speculate that his future endeavors could include colonizing Mars with Teslas that only charge on Earth or inventing a Neuralink chip that exclusively streams Joe Rogan podcasts.

Regardless of what happens next, one thing is clear: While Musk’s legacy is still unfolding, his place in history—as the world’s second most history-changing piece of sh*t—is firmly secured.

And for now, the Elvis Turd can rest easy atop its porcelain pedestal, a true king among crap.

President-Elect Trump Spends Christmas Claiming Gifts with “Mine!” Methodology

Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In what observers are calling a “bold and festive display of manifest destiny,” President-elect Donald Trump reportedly spent Christmas Day asserting ownership over family members’ gifts by licking his finger, touching the desired item, and loudly declaring, “Mine!”

Eyewitnesses at the Trump family Christmas celebration said the 78-year-old “billionaire” turned political firebrand enacted the tradition shortly after the opening of gifts commenced. The spectacle began when Eric Trump unwrapped a limited-edition drone, which Trump promptly claimed by licking his index finger, pressing it onto the drone, and bellowing, “This is tremendous. It’s mine now. I just claimed it. That’s how it works.”

Ivanka Trump, poised as ever, reportedly attempted to explain that the drone was Eric’s gift, to which Trump retorted, “No, it’s mine. I just did the thing. You saw it. He didn’t claim it first. Sad!”

An Expanding Christmas Empire

The scene escalated as Trump went on to annex Barron Trump’s PlayStation 5, Melania’s diamond bracelet, and even the turkey centerpiece. “This is bigger than the Louisiana Purchase,” Trump reportedly told guests. “You don’t see people complaining about that, do you? Same principle.”

When Donald Trump Jr. protested after his father claimed his brand-new hunting rifle, Trump dismissed him with a wave. “You’re weak, Don. You didn’t even try to claim it. Loser move. Big loser energy.”

Inspired by Past Conquests

Trump’s Christmas antics appear to mirror his reported obsession with territorial acquisitions, as highlighted in a recent Rolling Stone article. According to sources close to the former president, Trump has previously floated ideas such as “buying Greenland,” “reclaiming the Panama Canal,” and, most perplexingly, “annexing Canada” after mistakenly believing he could “just take it.”

Critics argue that Trump’s holiday behavior is emblematic of his broader worldview, where the act of claiming something—regardless of feasibility or propriety—makes it so. In this instance, his claim to gifts seemed to hinge solely on the moist authenticity of a licked finger.

Backlash and Confusion

The unorthodox gift-claiming spree has sparked backlash even within Trump’s own circle. “It’s not fair,” said Eric Trump in a tearful post-Christmas interview. “I just wanted to fly my drone, but now Dad says it’s going to be part of his ‘Space Force’ collection.”

Twitter users also had a field day with the story, trending the hashtag #Claimmas. One user wrote, “If licking your finger and yelling ‘Mine!’ worked, I’d have a mansion by now.” Another quipped, “Guess the Emoluments Clause doesn’t cover Christmas gifts.”

Future Aspirations

By the end of the day, Trump reportedly claimed the entire Mar-a-Lago property itself, stating, “Honestly, I don’t think I ever really claimed it. But now I did. Merry Christmas to me!”

When asked by reporters outside the estate if he planned to extend his “lick-and-claim” strategy to public policy, Trump grinned. “Greenland? Already licked it in my head. That’s mine too. The Panama Canal? Mine, mine, mine.”

For now, Mar-a-Lago remains his self-declared Christmas empire, but insiders suggest Trump is eyeing bigger prizes for the new year. Rumor has it, the White House will soon bear a small, sticky fingerprint on its front door.

House Ethics Committee Shocked to Discover Matt Gaetz’s Complete Lack of Ethics

The House Ethics Committee has concluded that former Congressman Matt Gaetz possesses absolutely no ethics whatsoever. This finding comes after an exhaustive investigation into allegations of sexual misconduct, drug use, and other illicit activities.

The 37-page report, released today, details a series of actions by Gaetz that violate numerous state laws and House conduct rules. Among the most startling findings is evidence that Gaetz paid over $90,000 to 12 women for sex and drugs, including a 17-year-old girl.

“We were prepared to find some ethical lapses,” said Committee Chairperson Ima Virtuous. “But to uncover a total absence of ethics? That’s a first.”

The report outlines instances where Gaetz engaged in drug-fueled parties, used his congressional status for personal favors, and attempted to obstruct justice. Despite a three-year FBI investigation resulting in no criminal charges, the Ethics Committee found substantial evidence of misconduct.

In response to the report, Gaetz filed a lawsuit to block its release, arguing that as a private citizen, the committee lacks jurisdiction over him. He also contended that the report would cause “severe and irreparable damage” to his reputation.

“It’s challenging to damage something that doesn’t exist,” quipped political analyst Polly Tician.

Gaetz’s resignation from Congress last month, following his selection by President-elect Donald Trump for the role of Attorney General—a nomination he later withdrew due to expected challenges in Senate confirmation—has only added to the controversy.

“We thought appointing someone with zero ethics to lead the Department of Justice was a bit on the nose,” commented an anonymous White House insider.

As the political world reels from these revelations, the House Ethics Committee is considering renaming itself the “House Ethics and Lack Thereof Committee” to accommodate future findings of this nature.

“We need to be inclusive of all members,” Chairperson Virtuous noted.

Meanwhile, Gaetz has announced plans to host a new reality TV show titled “Ethics? Never Heard of ‘Em!” The show promises to take viewers on a behind-the-scenes tour of Washington’s most ethically challenged politicians.

“It’s time to turn my lack of ethics into entertainment,” Gaetz said in a statement. “After all, if you can’t beat ’em, monetize ’em.”

White House Cleaning Staff Already Dreading Possible Trump Return: “We Just Got the Stains Out”

Washington, D.C. — As political pundits speculate on a potential return to the White House by Donald Trump, the cleaning staff at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has issued a collective plea: Please, no.

“We just finished getting out the ketchup stains,” said longtime custodian Marjorie Pickett, referencing the former president’s infamous habit of expressing displeasure by hurling condiments. “It took two industrial-grade power washers and a small team of exorcists to get the walls clean. And don’t even get me started on the carpets!”

The staff confirmed that Trump left the White House in 2021 without getting his security deposit back. “Frankly, the damage exceeded the deposit tenfold,” explained Edgar Murkowski, head of facilities management. “The gilded toilet alone needed thousands of dollars in repairs. And then there was the dining room… Oh, the dining room.”

The dining room, according to multiple sources, still carries an inexplicable odor described as a mix between overdone steak, spray tan solution, and “unprocessed rage.” Despite countless deep cleanings, Murkowski says the smell persists. “It’s like the ghost of Mar-a-Lago haunts that room. Even the Lincoln Bedroom didn’t smell this bad after Andrew Jackson slept in there.”

Unique Challenges of a Trump Presidency

Staff also expressed concerns about preparing for Trump’s well-documented dietary preferences, should he return. “We’re still finding stray fries behind radiators, and I’ll never forget the time we found a McRib box stuffed into the Resolute Desk,” said White House chef Juanita Gómez.

The cleaning team faced other peculiar challenges during Trump’s tenure, including mysterious orange streaks on bathroom sinks, unexplained scorch marks on the Oval Office rug, and what one staffer referred to as “tweet residue” on every electronic device.

“We had to bring in a forensic cleaner just to scrape the all-caps shouting out of the White House servers,” said IT technician Doug Harris.

A Plea for Change

Despite their trauma, staff members remain hopeful. “We’ve scrubbed this place top to bottom, and it’s finally starting to feel like a home again,” said Pickett, gesturing to a pristine hallway. “But if he comes back, I swear I’m retiring. Let someone else handle the Diet Coke button and the Sharpie graffiti on the hurricane maps.”

As speculation swirls, the staff is reportedly preparing a special “Trump Clause” for his next lease agreement, should he reclaim the Oval Office. “We’re going to need triple the deposit,” said Murkowski. “And a certified promise to keep the ketchup on the plate.”

Brokenewz.com reached out to Trump’s spokesperson for comment but received only an email containing the words “FAKE NEWS!!!” in size 72 Comic Sans font.

Crypto Investors Celebrate as Bitcoin ‘Bounces Back’ to Half of What They Lost Last Year

“The comeback is real!” tweets a hopeful millionaire-turned-Uber driver.

Crypto enthusiasts are in high spirits this week as Bitcoin surged to an impressive $28,000—a number that, while still a fraction of its former $60,000 glory, has inspired a wave of optimism among long-suffering investors.

“This is the comeback we’ve been waiting for!” tweeted self-proclaimed crypto mogul Gary Hoddle, now an Uber driver in Tampa. “I always knew I’d be back on top… even if it’s only halfway there. #ToTheMoon (kinda).”

The excitement comes after a brutal year in which many investors saw their digital fortunes evaporate faster than a Dogecoin meme’s relevance. For some, the bounce-back is a sign of resilience; for others, it’s a gentle reminder that investing your life savings into a volatile digital asset might not have been the brightest idea.

Diamond Hands, or Delusional Grip?

Crypto expert and YouTube personality “Blockchain Becky” described the resurgence as “a historic moment in digital currency.” She added, “Sure, it’s not what we hoped, but who needs Lambos when you can at least afford a used Honda Civic again?”

However, financial analysts remain cautious. “Investors celebrating this rebound is like someone getting excited about finding half their wallet after losing the other half at a blackjack table,” said economist Dr. Karen Ledger. “It’s optimism, but maybe… misplaced?”

Real-Life Impact

The recovery has had real-world implications for many crypto enthusiasts. Ryan “BitBoss” Carlson, who sold his house to buy Bitcoin in 2021, says he’s finally able to sleep through the night.

“Last year, I was Googling ‘how to live off ramen long-term,’” he told CNN. “Now, I’m Googling ‘how to cook ramen with flair.’ Progress is progress.”

Meanwhile, Twitter remains flooded with bullish memes, including one showing Bitcoin climbing a ladder labeled “Hope” while holding a flag that reads “Halfway There.” Another trending hashtag, #CryptoComeback2024, has users fantasizing about the days when they can once again humblebrag about their portfolios.

The Real Winner? Memecoins

In an ironic twist, the meme-driven Dogecoin has also seen a minor spike, prompting Tesla CEO Elon Musk to tweet a single emoji: 🚀. This, in turn, caused Dogecoin’s value to jump by 0.03 cents—a monumental gain in the eyes of its faithful supporters.

“Dogecoin is the future!” screamed one Reddit user, who immediately followed up with a post asking how to return unopened cans of Spam for a full refund.

A Cautious Optimism

While many celebrate, others remain skeptical. “If this is a ‘win,’ then so is finding 10 bucks in your winter coat after losing 1,000 at the casino,” commented famed crypto critic Peter Bearish.

Still, for those who have held on through the chaos, this halfway recovery feels like vindication. “It’s not the top,” admitted Carlson, “but hey, it’s better than explaining to my family at Thanksgiving why I’m wearing Bitcoin socks instead of actual shoes.”

Whether this is the start of a new golden age for cryptocurrency or just a blip on the road to total financial ruin remains to be seen. For now, crypto investors are savoring the moment—one Uber ride at a time.

Biden Pardons Trump for Pardoning Family Member by Pardoning Family Member

America Stunned by 4D Chess Move

Washington, D.C. — In a political maneuver that has left both cable news pundits and dinner table debaters reeling, President Joe Biden has issued a pardon to former President Donald Trump. The catch? Biden’s pardon explicitly cites Trump’s pardon of a family member as its inspiration, with Biden’s own family member riding shotgun on this karmic roller coaster.

The announcement, made during a surprise press conference on the White House lawn, unfolded like an episode of Succession written by Kafka.

“As the great philosopher Kenny Rogers once said, ‘You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,’” President Biden began. “Trump pardoned his son-in-law’s father, so I’m pardoning Trump. But I’ll also be pardoning Hunter. It’s like a democracy bogo deal!”

The President then leaned into the mic and whispered, “That’s a little Scranton wisdom for ya.”

Trump’s Pardon of a Family Member: A Refresher

The saga Biden referred to dates back to 2020, when Trump issued a presidential pardon to Charles Kushner, father of his senior advisor and son-in-law, Jared Kushner. Charles had been convicted of crimes so lurid they’d make a Netflix series blush: tax evasion, witness tampering, and hiring a sex worker to entrap his brother-in-law. Critics accused Trump of using his pardon power like a Black Friday coupon book for family members.

Kushner was not only pardoned but later appointed to a prestigious ambassador role. This move set the gold standard for “family loyalty” in politics, with nepotism taking a victory lap.

Biden’s Counter-Move

Fast-forward to 2024, and Biden’s pardon of Trump is being hailed as the “Uno Reverse Card” of political theater. But Biden didn’t stop there. In a move reminiscent of Oprah’s giveaway days, the President also issued a pardon to his own son, Hunter Biden, citing the precedent Trump had set.

“The Hunter laptop thing? Consider it water under the bridge,” Biden quipped. “Well, more like a cybernetic hard drive floating down a Delaware creek.”

Fox News immediately declared it the “end of democracy as we know it,” while MSNBC hailed it as “a tactical masterstroke worthy of Machiavelli, if Machiavelli played cornhole on the weekends.”

America Reacts

Social media exploded in response, with hashtags like #Pardonception and #KushnerEffect trending within minutes.

“I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or apply for a presidential pardon myself,” tweeted one user.

“This is what happens when you give boomers too many episodes of House of Cards to binge,” said another.

Meanwhile, political analysts are scrambling to determine what this means for 2024’s already chaotic election season. One scholar likened it to “a snake eating its tail, but the snake is holding a press conference about bipartisanship.”

The Future of Pardons

When pressed about the long-term implications of this tit-for-tat pardon spree, Biden shrugged. “Look, folks, I’m just trying to clean up the mess here. If pardoning Trump for his family pardon while pardoning my family works, why not? Maybe next year, I’ll pardon the turkey’s cousin, too.”

As the nation grapples with this bizarre chapter in American history, one thing is certain: we are now living in a political Mad Lib where every fill-in-the-blank is “family member.”

White House Democrats Report Surge in Arm and Wrist Pain Amid Intense Finger-Pointing Epidemic

Washington, D.C. — A baffling epidemic of arm and wrist pain has gripped Democrats in and around the White House, and experts are blaming a single culprit: excessive finger-pointing.

Sources close to the administration report that the condition, informally dubbed “Blame Strain Syndrome,” has reached crisis levels as party members scramble to identify culprits for recent legislative failures, plummeting approval ratings, and a mysteriously vanishing catering order during last week’s press briefing.

“It started with harmless gestures,” admitted one anonymous aide, nervously flexing their index finger in a bucket of ice. “But now, it’s full-blown. Every meeting ends with someone pointing so aggressively they nearly dislocate a shoulder.”

Doctors from Walter Reed Medical Center were called in to assess the situation. “What we’re seeing is unprecedented,” said Dr. Cynthia Yarrow, an orthopedic specialist. “This is what happens when stress, politics, and a lack of accountability combine into a perfect storm. The average Democratic staffer’s arm movement right now is like a professional tennis player during a particularly heated rally — except with way more passive-aggression.”

The problem escalated after the latest midterm results, with moderates pointing at progressives, progressives pointing at moderates, and everyone pointing at the communications team. President Biden attempted to defuse tensions during a closed-door strategy session but was reportedly met with 27 simultaneous pointed fingers directed at him when he mentioned gas prices.

“It’s chaos,” said one exhausted intern, clutching a heat pack. “People are pointing everywhere: at polls, at lobbyists, at the vending machine that only takes exact change. I saw two aides arguing in the hallway, and they were both using two hands to point at each other. It’s like a political Spider-Man meme out there.”

Republicans, meanwhile, have taken the opportunity to weigh in. “This is just another example of Democrats not being able to handle their own policies,” said Rep. Kevin McCarthy while demonstratively shrugging, a gesture his office later clarified “does not cause wrist pain.”

Medical experts have recommended several solutions, including finger yoga, ergonomic gloves, and a radical new technique called “self-reflection,” which has yet to gain traction. For now, the administration is relying on the tried-and-true strategy of issuing vague statements about moving forward while quietly Googling physical therapy clinics in the D.C. area.

When asked for comment, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre assured reporters the issue was “under control” but was seen wincing as she deflected questions with a pointed gesture toward her deputy.

“We remain committed to progress,” she said through gritted teeth. “Just… maybe with fewer hand motions.”

Spokesman-Review’s Alexandra Duggan Faces Career Crisis: Talent, Not Affairs, Needed for Success

Spokane, WA — Alexandra Duggan, a reporter for the Spokesman-Review, has found herself in an unexpected professional crisis. After blazing a trail through newsrooms in Boise—leaving scandalized supervisors at KTVB and the Idaho Press in her wake—Duggan has discovered an unfortunate truth about the journalism industry: at some point, you have to actually write.

“I didn’t sign up for this,” Duggan reportedly complained during a staff meeting, visibly frustrated while brainstorming for her next feature. “I thought journalism was all about relationships. And, let’s be real, I’ve excelled at that.”

Duggan’s rise in local journalism has been unconventional, if not outright infamous. Beginning her career at KTVB, her early work was described as “unreadable but well-intentioned” by colleagues. Yet, Duggan’s career flourished, thanks to her remarkable ability to form “deep, personal connections” with newsroom leadership. When asked for comment, one former editor said, “She had a… unique approach to mentorship.”

After leaving a string of bewildered editors in Boise, Duggan moved on to the Idaho Press, where her investigative series on “Why Boise Is a City” failed to generate interest but nonetheless earned her a quick promotion. Her success there coincided with a mass exodus of management, with one departing editor citing “irreconcilable professional differences and ongoing marital counseling.”

Now entrenched at the Spokesman-Review, Duggan has hit a wall. “This newsroom is different,” she confessed to coworkers during an off-the-record happy hour. “The editors are all happily married, and HR keeps ‘checking in’ on me. It’s like they expect me to report news. How is that fair?”

Her lack of preparation has been evident. Recent attempts to pitch stories have included such gripping ideas as “Top 5 Stoplights in Spokane” and “Do Trees Really Need Leaves?” According to staff insiders, her drafts often read like rambling diary entries, with one editor likening her prose to “a seventh-grader’s book report after watching half a documentary.”

Co-workers have grown increasingly exasperated. “We were all rooting for her at first,” said copy editor Rob Curley. “But it’s hard to respect someone whose biggest career highlight is that time she sort of spelled ‘Spokane’ right. The ‘Q’ was unnecessary, but hey, progress.”

Faced with mounting pressure to deliver quality work, Duggan has taken drastic measures, including signing up for an online journalism course titled How to Write Sentences That People Want to Read. She’s also begun blaming her struggles on the news cycle. “It’s just so slow right now,” she explained. “How am I supposed to find a story when nothing happens in this city? It’s not my fault reality is boring.”

Her attempts at self-reinvention haven’t gone unnoticed. “She brought donuts to the last pitch meeting,” one intern revealed. “We thought she was turning over a new leaf, but then she stapled her phone number to them and labeled it ‘for editorial emergencies.’”

At press time, Duggan was reportedly drafting a piece titled “Why Journalism Is Harder Than Rocket Science,” while simultaneously swiping through LinkedIn for open “righting” positions.

Earth Moves to 3rd Most Hostile Living Conditions of all Planets in our Galaxy

Earth’s reputation as the universe’s “Goldilocks planet” is officially over. In a stunning fall from grace, Earth has been downgraded from the best place to live to the third most hostile planet, trailing behind the scorching infernos of Mercury and Venus. Experts cite two key reasons for this nosedive: Donald Trump’s reelection and Elon Musk’s relentless meddling in, well, everything.

The Trumpocalypse

Trump’s return to the Oval Office marked the beginning of Earth’s accelerated descent into chaos. His administration, which famously abolished all remaining environmental protections, successfully turned Earth’s once-bearable climate into something resembling Venus Lite.

Under Trump’s “Keep the Planet Great for Corporations” initiative, industrial emissions reached historic highs, while global temperatures soared past the point of no return. Trump celebrated the achievements on Twitter—or X—posting, “We’ve made Earth hotter than ever before. People are saying it’s tremendous. Venus is shaking in its sulfuric acid boots.”

The administration also oversaw the privatization of natural resources, including air. Oxygen stocks skyrocketed, but the move left millions gasping for breath in what critics dubbed the “pay-to-inhale” era. “Earth has officially priced out 99% of lifeforms,” said one environmental analyst. “Even cockroaches are reconsidering their options.”

Musk’s Cosmic Intervention

Meanwhile, Elon Musk, not content with ruining Twitter (or X, depending on who you ask), decided to apply his genius to planetary management. His solution? Cover Earth in reflective solar panels to combat global warming. Unfortunately, the panels had the opposite effect, creating a magnifying glass-like phenomenon that roasted entire continents.

Musk also launched the “Tesla Terraformer,” a machine designed to pump breathable air back into the atmosphere. Instead, it malfunctioned, filling the skies with neon-green smog and a persistent hum that experts describe as “an EDM festival in hell.”

When questioned about his role in Earth’s decline, Musk replied, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my Mars colony.”

Life on Earth Today

Thanks to these combined efforts, Earth now boasts conditions rivaling those of Venus. Oceans have evaporated into toxic clouds, cities are submerged in floods of molten asphalt, and billionaires compete to see who can build the largest bunker. Meanwhile, the average Earthling is forced to navigate their daily lives in a spacesuit, enduring acid rain commutes and radioactive grocery runs.

“It’s like Mercury, but with more paperwork,” one resident lamented while dodging a hailstorm of metal snow.

Mercury and Venus Laugh Last

With Earth now in third place, Mercury and Venus have taken the opportunity to remind everyone why they’re the reigning champions of hostility. “We’re glad Earth finally got its act together,” Venus said in a statement, adding, “but let’s be real—you’re still the amateur league.”

Mercury, true to form, offered no comment, as it was too busy being a literal wasteland of death.

What’s Next?

Experts believe Earth’s only hope is a radical reversal of Trump’s policies and the immediate cessation of Musk’s experiments. However, with both figures now collaborating on a plan to “optimize” the Sun by making it 20% brighter, prospects look dim—if not blindingly bright.

Until then, Earthlings can take solace in one thing: at least they’re not living on Jupiter.

Trump: Confident New Cabinet Picks Will Last “Much Longer” Before Turning on Him

In an almost too-familiar return to the cabinet-assembling scene, Donald Trump is confident his latest picks, which reportedly include names like Matt Gaetz, Stephen Miller, Elon Musk, and Pete Hegseth, will take much longer to turn against him.

“Look, this time, I’m giving myself at least a full year before someone starts writing a tell-all or subpoenaing me,” Trump reportedly told advisors. “With these fresh faces, we’re looking at loyalty that’ll last way past the six-month mark. I can feel it.”

Only time—and the first major disagreement—will tell.