In a last act of loyalty, late Home Depot co-founder Bernard Marcus has reportedly made clear that his political intentions will remain as vibrant as his impact on the home improvement industry—even from beyond the grave. Before passing, Marcus expressed little concern over his absence in this election cycle, confident that his votes, totaling six for Donald Trump, would still count thanks to what insiders are calling “state-of-the-art ghost polling.”

Sources close to the GOP confirm that Marcus’s passing will have “no measurable impact on his voting record,” as the party already had a contingency plan to ensure his and several other departed billionaires’ ballots would be safely cast on Election Day.

“He may not be with us in the physical sense, but his ballots will be,” a spokesperson for the GOP explained. “Our democracy is built on the unshakeable foundation of tradition, and few traditions are more sacred than letting the dearly departed exercise their right to vote.”

Republicans are so committed to maintaining Marcus’s support that they reportedly collaborated with a team of medium consultants to avoid any “afterlife inconsistencies” in his ballots. The result is a carefully curated ballot intended to reflect Marcus’s post-mortem political will. Each of his six ballots, which sources confirm are stuffed with patriotic zeal, will be double-checked for voter intent clarity, ensuring his wishes can “still count for something, even in the great beyond.”

Marcus was not the only high-net-worth deceased voter the GOP hoped to mobilize in 2024. According to insiders, a special “Posthumous Voting Task Force” has been working to identify and coordinate efforts for several prominent departed CEOs, each strategically placed in key swing states. Dubbed “Project Immortal Patriot,” the initiative aims to boost GOP support among what some affectionately call the “eternal electorate.”

“It’s been a wild year,” said a source close to the project. “But if there’s anything Americans can rely on, it’s that no one, alive or dead, is off the table when it comes to getting out the vote for Trump.”

Some legal experts have questioned the practice, calling it “ethically dubious,” but the GOP has assured voters that their unique approach to turnout is “completely aboveboard.” Party officials were quick to clarify that only the most dedicated departed donors—those who left ample financial legacies and voting patterns—would be honored with such posthumous representation. “This is not about just any deceased individual voting,” said one party representative. “This is about dedicated deceased individuals voting.”

Public reaction to Marcus’s announcement has been mixed, with critics questioning the validity of ghost ballots in a democratic society. But some in the GOP are unfazed, arguing that deceased voter support has long been part of American electoral culture.

“Dead people have been voting in America since the 1800s,” said a GOP strategist. “We’re just elevating the process to match the passion of our most committed supporters. It’s about legacy—real estate, corporate shares, or votes.”

At press time, sources confirmed that the Republican Party is exploring new innovations in posthumous civic engagement, including AI simulations of key deceased supporters.

former President Donald Trump and Senator J.D. Vance held a press conference yesterday to issue a formal apology to the women of America, acknowledging that their previous dismissive comments might have been in poor taste. Both men, however, sheepishly admitted that they simply hadn’t realized women were part of the voter pool.

“Look, in my defense, back when I learned about voting, my mother wasn’t even allowed to vote, and she taught me everything,” Trump explained, gesturing earnestly at the audience. “For years, I thought elections were really a men’s club. I just assumed everyone had to have a 5 o’clock shadow and at least one cigar to participate.”

Senator Vance backed him up, adding, “It’s a common misconception! Nobody told us there were all these new rules about female voters. I mean, when did this happen? 1920? I guess I missed that memo.”

Despite murmurs of disbelief from the press corps, the two went on to double down on their commitment to a new campaign approach: one that would cater more inclusively to women by rolling out policies like “free pink parking spaces” and “50% off brunches on Election Day.” Trump even proposed a special “no-wait” line at voting booths “just for the ladies.”

“I just want all the women to know we’re listening,” Trump insisted. “Starting now. Now that we know you’re, you know, voting.”

Political analysts agree the outreach efforts are historic in their ambition, with plans for both men to meet with a hand-selected panel of women voters — “Real Housewives” stars and a few “charming yet harmless” grandmothers — to gain deeper insights into the female perspective on taxes, foreign policy, and shoe storage.

“I can promise that moving forward, every speech will include at least three references to shopping and spa days,” Vance said proudly. “That’s how serious we are about this.”

Despite the media uproar, the two politicians remain optimistic. “The gals are gonna love this,” Trump assured reporters with a wink. “And I promise: I’ll never ask if they need to speak to a man again.”

Washington, D.C. — As Donald Trump continues his quest to retake the White House, a growing number of Republican staffers are quietly voicing concerns—not about his poll numbers, his legal troubles, or his controversial policies—but about his ability to continue one of his more infamous pastimes: sexually harassing women.

In off-the-record conversations with Fox News, several Republican aides expressed doubts over whether Trump, now in his late 70s, still possesses the physical and cognitive capacity to maintain the same level of inappropriate behavior that defined parts of his 2016 campaign and his time in office.

“There’s just been a lot of chatter about his… stamina,” said one senior GOP staffer. “We need to know if he still has the energy to go after the ‘locker room’ lifestyle that made him a hit with certain sections of our base.”

In recent months, reports from those close to Trump have highlighted what they call his “low-energy approach” to traditional activities, such as awkward handshakes and unsolicited comments about women’s bodies. While some aides have dismissed these as temporary lapses, others are less optimistic.

“The question is, can he still ‘grab ’em’ like he used to? And if not, does that impact his electability?” mused another GOP strategist. “Our voters love him for a lot of reasons, but let’s not forget the Trump brand was built on a certain… audacity. If that fades, what’s left?”

Despite these concerns, Trump’s inner circle insists the former president is as sharp as ever, and even hints that he has been working on “new tactics” to keep his supporters engaged. However, critics argue that certain behaviors can’t be sustained forever, no matter how much one practices in front of the mirror at Mar-a-Lago.

One source noted that the Trump campaign may need to focus on updated messaging if they’re to assure voters that he’s still got the “touch” they remember. “We may have to pivot a little. Maybe something more verbal. The important thing is, he continues to horrify and titillate in ways that matter to the GOP base.”

Whether or not these concerns are warranted remains to be seen, but what’s certain is that Republican staffers are preparing contingency plans. One aide speculated about the possibility of “light harassment” stand-ins during campaign events, while others suggested a return to the “classic” strategies that made Trump a populist hero: insulting opponents and rambling incoherently about things that may or may not exist.

In the meantime, the GOP is holding its breath to see if Trump can bounce back to the form that made him a household name for all the wrong reasons.

As one staffer put it, “He can still run for office, but if he can’t run his hands the way he used to… it’s going to be a tough sell.”