Senator J.D. Vance has announced that henceforth, he will only deliver his campaign speeches while hiding behind bushes. The decision, Vance explained at a press conference (from behind a row of expertly trimmed hedges), is part of an effort to “come off as less creepy” to the American public.

“Look, I’m a reasonable guy,” Vance said, his disembodied voice carrying from the shrubs. “I know my appearance can be, let’s say, unsettling to some people. I get it—there’s something about the way I stare unblinkingly into the souls of my constituents. So why not just remove myself from sight? What better way to do that than with foliage?”

Leaves of Change

The strategy, dubbed “Operation Hide and Speak,” is already in full swing. Campaign staff have been instructed to plant decorative bushes at every town hall, fundraiser, and diner Vance visits. Early prototypes included a pair of geraniums and some ferns, but Vance quickly gravitated toward denser shrubbery like boxwoods and junipers for “maximum concealment.”

Political experts are divided on the move. “It’s unconventional, but it may actually work,” said Mary Greenfield, a political consultant. “When people don’t have to see his face, they might focus more on his words—though, unfortunately, that could make things worse.”

Criticism from Opponents

Vance’s political opponents, however, have seized the opportunity to poke fun. “J.D. Vance hiding behind bushes? That’s the most relatable thing he’s ever done,” quipped one Ohio politician. “At least now, he’s showing us exactly where his policies are coming from—deep within a bush of nonsense.”

The Great Debate: Fern or Foliage?

Insiders close to the Vance campaign say there has been considerable debate over which specific plants to use in different situations. For formal speeches, dense evergreens provide optimal coverage, while town halls will feature “a more approachable hedge,” likely a low-maintenance variety of holly. “We’re even considering some potted palms for campaign stops in warmer states,” a campaign aide said. “Nothing too tropical, though—he doesn’t want to look out of place. Just a man and his bush, trying to connect with the people.”

The strategy is already showing results. Polls indicate that Ohio residents are “marginally less creeped out” by Vance’s presence behind greenery. “He’s still a little weird,” said one voter at a recent rally, squinting into the underbrush, “but at least I don’t have to stare directly at him.”

Bush-Based Solutions

For his part, Vance remains optimistic. “Look, America is a divided country,” he said, briefly poking his head out from a forsythia bush before retreating back in. “Some of us are scared of creepy stares; some of us are scared of Washington elites. I’m offering a third option: be scared of a politician hiding in a bush. It’s progress.”

As the elections approach, one thing is clear—whether lurking behind a ficus or buried in the branches of a spruce, J.D. Vance is committed to running his campaign from the shadows. Quite literally.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has declared a “State of Emergency” for his rapidly sinking poll numbers. The announcement came during a hastily organized press conference in front of a deflating “DeSantis 2024” banner, where the governor reassured the public that his administration is fully prepared to “combat the poll disaster with the same vigor we handle hurricanes, and by that, I mean we’ll definitely need FEMA’s help.”

With a straight face, DeSantis outlined his emergency plan. “We are deploying every available resource: yard signs, Twitter bots, and a new round of commercials showing me yelling at Disney World employees. This is a code red situation. We can’t let the American people think I’m losing to, well, anyone.”

State Resources Activated

The governor confirmed that all hands are on deck. The Florida National Guard has been put on standby, ready to hand out Ron DeSantis bumper stickers at Walmart parking lots statewide. “In case of a further dip, we may resort to extreme measures, like showing me in cowboy boots wrestling an alligator, or maybe just…smiling,” DeSantis said, with a brief look of terror at the thought.

Additionally, FEMA (the Florida Emergency Media Advisors) has been tasked with controlling the “optics crisis” by editing footage of DeSantis’ recent speeches, splicing in clips of crowds from popular rock concerts to give the illusion of enthusiastic support.

Response from the Campaign

Inside sources report that the DeSantis campaign is working around the clock to “stabilize the situation.” One staffer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, “We’re launching our new ‘Keep Florida Ron’ campaign, which consists of us convincing Floridians that Florida itself will fall into the ocean if DeSantis isn’t elected. It’s our most ambitious fearmongering yet.”

In a bold PR strategy, DeSantis’ campaign has also partnered with Elon Musk to create a pollster-free zone on Twitter (recently rebranded as “X”). Musk expressed full support for the governor, stating, “I’ve already blocked all mentions of the words ‘polls,’ ‘approval,’ and ‘Trump’ from trending. I mean, what even is a poll if you’re living in a simulation?”

Competitors React

The news of DeSantis’ poll-based emergency has sparked responses from his Republican rivals. Former President Donald Trump, whose poll numbers remain strong, took to Truth Social to say, “Weak numbers from Ron DeSanctus! Sad! His numbers are lower than his energy. He needs me, believe me!” Trump also hinted at sending relief efforts, including pallets of his “Trump 2024” hats, in what experts call “a friendly act of trolling.”

Nikki Haley, meanwhile, responded with a tweet: “Ron, I told you to stick to attacking woke school curriculums, not Mickey Mouse! #RookieMistake.”

Governor Holds Firm

DeSantis ended the press conference with optimism, claiming, “We’ve seen storms like this before in Florida. Polls come and go, but what really matters is that I’m still on Fox News a lot.” He then boarded a helicopter, destined to survey the political damage from Tallahassee to Mar-a-Lago, while urging Floridians to “stay safe, and keep polling in my favor.”

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has allegedly hired a crack team of street hypnotists to perform the ultimate act of political magic: making voters forget he ever ran for president.

Sources close to the RFK Jr. campaign (a guy named Steve with a trench coat and too much cologne) say that since Kennedy has been unsuccessful in trying to remove himself from several ballots, it’s come to this.

Enter The Enforcers of Amnesia, a group of self-proclaimed “hypnotic artisans” who normally perform at birthday parties, Renaissance fairs, and sketchy magic conventions. But now, they have a new mission: stand on street corners in swing states and whisper soft incantations to passerby like, “You never saw his name on the ballot… You feel the urge to vote for someone with more vowels in their name… Also, maybe go vegan?”

“I was just walking my dog when this guy with a top hat told me to look into his pocket watch,” said one confused voter in Ohio. “Next thing I know, I’m not sure if I’m voting for president or taking a nap.”

The plan, while odd, seems to be working in unexpected ways. Polls show a sharp increase in voters scratching their heads at voting booths and muttering, “Wait, who’s running again? I thought we were still debating if Ross Perot was coming back.”

Some have criticized the move as undemocratic, while others find it oddly refreshing. “Honestly, I’d rather forget most of these candidates anyway,” said one voter in Florida. “If someone’s gonna wave a shiny object in front of my face and tell me to forget the election ever happened, I might just consider it a favor.”

When reached for comment, the RFK Jr. campaign denied any involvement with hypnotism. “We would never stoop to such tactics,” said a spokesperson while conspicuously fiddling with a deck of playing cards and murmuring something about ‘deep sleep.’ “But if anyone did forget about RFK Jr.’s campaign, well… that’s probably for the best.”

As election day approaches, reports of citizens gazing blankly into mirrors and mumbling “RFK… RF-what?” are spreading. Meanwhile, the nation’s top street hypnotists have never been busier. Coincidence? Hypnotists everywhere hope you won’t remember to find out.

Somewhere in Ohio— As the campaign trail blazes on, there is one man who finds himself with an abundance of time to ponder the future—a future that includes, in his wildest dreams, the vice presidency of the United States. That man is J.D. Vance, the best-selling author, senator, and Hillbilly Elegy scribe, who has found himself on a peculiar journey through the heartland of America. But it’s not the long hours of speeches or the grueling debates that have him thinking about what his future might hold. No, it’s something far more profound: the tragic solitude of eating lunch alone.

Day after day, as the campaign bus rolls into small towns and big cities alike, Vance’s teammates—er, fellow candidates—unfailingly drift toward what can only be described as “the cool table.” You know the one. It’s where the political powerhouses and social media savants gather, exchanging quips, passing around Twitter trends like secret notes in high school, and comparing how many retweets they got on their latest zinger aimed at the other party.

And then there’s Vance.

As the others laugh and joke, Vance trudges over to the loneliest corner of the campaign cafeteria, tray in hand, a sad ham sandwich and a juice box his only companions. Sure, he’s got a lot on his mind—like how he’ll redecorate the vice presidential residence (does IKEA do official government decor?) or what kind of slogan will look best on a bumper sticker (“Make Hillbilly Great Again” has a certain ring to it). But there’s something distinctly unappetizing about dining in solitude, especially when the smell of camaraderie (and someone else’s Chick-fil-A) wafts through the air.

It’s not that Vance doesn’t try. He approaches the cool table, perhaps thinking, “Today’s the day I’ll be invited to sit with them.” But just as he opens his mouth to offer a tentative “Hey, mind if I join—”, the table suddenly gets crowded. Campaign managers appear out of thin air, pollsters materialize from the ether, and suddenly there’s just no room. “So sorry, J.D.,” someone mutters, not even glancing up from their quinoa salad.

Dejected but determined, Vance slinks back to his solo seat, using the time to ruminate on important matters. Like what exactly he’ll do when he becomes vice president. Will he reinvent the office? Will he use his alone time to mastermind policy? Will he ensure that no American, especially not a vice presidential candidate, ever has to eat lunch alone again?

But most importantly, will he finally get to sit at the cool table?

As the campaign rolls on, and the vice-presidential hopeful continues his solitary lunches, one can’t help but admire his tenacity. It takes a special kind of resilience to keep showing up, day after day, sandwich in hand, without even a single pity invite. If there’s one thing this campaign has taught J.D. Vance, it’s that you don’t need a lunch buddy to dream big.

But a few extra friends wouldn’t hurt either.

Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a move that has left legal experts scrambling for words, former President Donald Trump held a press conference today to declare that all charges against him should be dropped on the grounds of “absolute and total insanity.”

Flanked by his legal team, who appeared to be alternating between nervous sweating and attempting to hide their smirks, Trump made his case with the same bravado that marked his time in office. “They say I’m unfit to stand trial. I say, look, I’m the most unfit person you’ve ever seen! They tell me I might be crazy, and I say, I am crazy—crazy like a fox! But also like a guy who should not be tried for any of this stuff.”

The former president, who has often bragged about his “very good brain,” now claims that his intellect is so advanced, it has veered into the territory of complete and utter lunacy. “People say I’m a genius. Some people even say I’m the best genius. But it’s too much. I’m so smart, it’s driven me mad. How can you put a mad genius on trial? It’s not fair, folks. It’s a disgrace.”

Trump’s legal team, led by Rudy Giuliani, who wore a straightjacket-themed tie for the occasion, elaborated on the defense strategy. “Our client, Mr. Trump, has demonstrated time and again that his behavior is beyond the comprehension of any reasonable person. His tweets alone are evidence of a mind that cannot be judged by conventional legal standards.”

To bolster their case, the Trump team presented a series of “exhibits” that they claimed demonstrated his insanity. These included:

• A golden toilet installed at Mar-a-Lago that Trump reportedly talks to for advice on international diplomacy.
• A life-size cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton that Trump regularly yells at during staff meetings.
• A collection of classified documents stored in a room labeled “Super Secret Do Not Open” that Trump insists are actually “love letters” from Kim Jong-un.

The legal team’s argument hinges on the idea that Trump’s behavior has been so erratic, so unhinged, that no rational jury could possibly convict him. “He’s been impeached twice, indicted multiple times, and yet, he keeps running for president. If that’s not proof of insanity, I don’t know what is,” said Giuliani, who then attempted to drink from an invisible glass before being gently corrected by an aide.

Trump himself seemed confident in his new defense. “Look, they said I colluded with Russia. Then they said I tried to overthrow the government. Now they say I’m insane. And you know what? They’re right! I’m completely out of my mind, and that’s why this whole thing should be thrown out. It’s just common sense.”

Reaction to Trump’s claim has been mixed. Some legal analysts suggest that the insanity defense might actually be his best shot, while others note that it’s a strategy usually reserved for those who are, well, insane. Meanwhile, late-night hosts have reportedly hired additional writing staff to keep up with the onslaught of material.

As for the American public, opinions are divided. Some supporters argue that this is just another example of Trump’s “genius” at work, turning the legal system on its head. Others are just hoping that this latest twist will somehow involve a giant rubber chicken.

Regardless of how the courts respond, one thing is certain: The spectacle surrounding Donald Trump shows no sign of slowing down. Whether he’s a madman or a mad genius, the world will be watching to see what he does next—possibly from behind padded walls.

Arlington, VA — In an event that will surely go down in history as one of the most surreal and controversial moments of the 2024 campaign trail, former President Donald Trump’s attempt to commemorate the third anniversary of the tragic attack in Afghanistan was abruptly interrupted by an unexpected and unprecedented protest. As Trump stood solemnly for a photo opportunity in Section 60 of Arlington National Cemetery on Monday, a loud rumbling sound echoed through the cemetery grounds, as if the earth itself was groaning under the weight of the moment.

Eyewitnesses report that the noise was followed by the unmistakable sight of over 400,000 deceased soldiers rolling over in their graves. The simultaneous collective movement of those who had sacrificed their lives for their country sent shockwaves — both literal and metaphorical — through the cemetery, effectively putting an end to what was quickly becoming another Trumpian spectacle.

Trump, ever the showman, was unfazed. “See? They’re all so excited to see me that they’re rolling in their graves!” he quipped, mistaking the supernatural phenomenon for a positive reception. “These soldiers know a winner when they see one. They all would have voted for me, and you’ll be surprised when they do on election day!” he added, alluding to his belief that the support from beyond the grave might just tip the scales in his favor.

The former president’s bravado was momentarily interrupted when two of his campaign staffers got into a heated altercation with an Arlington staffer who was trying to enforce federal law. The staffer, who reminded the Trump team that Section 60 — the burial ground for those who died in Iraq and Afghanistan — was off-limits for campaign activities, was met with hostility. The scuffle, which included both verbal and physical exchanges, only added to the circus-like atmosphere of the occasion.

Trump’s campaign had reportedly planned to capture the moment on film, but federal law strictly prohibits the use of military cemeteries for campaign events. When this fact was pointed out, Trump was said to have remarked, “These laws are made by people who’ve never won an election. Believe me, these soldiers love me, even though some people say they’re suckers. They would’ve given anything to see me here, and now they’re showing their appreciation.”

In the hours following the incident, Trump took to his preferred platform, Truth Social, to spin the event in his favor. “The FAKE NEWS media is going to say these great soldiers rolling in their graves is a BAD thing! But it’s the biggest honor they can give me — proving even in death, they support me! Sad to see the Democrats trying to stop them from voting for me in 2024!” he posted.

Backlash has been swift and severe, with many accusing Trump of using the fallen heroes as props for a political stunt. Veterans groups have condemned the event, calling it “disrespectful” and “a new low.” Some have even pointed out the irony that Trump, who once infamously referred to fallen soldiers as “losers,” would now claim their support.

As Arlington Cemetery staff work to restore calm and dignity to the hallowed grounds, one thing is certain: even the dead can’t escape the theatrics of a Trump campaign. And as for Trump, he’s already planning his next move — perhaps a séance with George Washington, whom he’s confident would’ve endorsed him, too.