“Happy birthday, my eternal wingman!” Sarah exclaimed, tapping her phone screen with glee. “You’ve been catfishing potential suitors for a decade, and you still have a few years to go!” The charm of the photo worked wonders. Several dozen men had been captivated by its timeless allure, leading to first dates in dimly lit bars...
A recent poll has revealed that the recent Republican debate in Alabama was a battle of the yawns, as Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, former United Nations Ambassador Nikki Haley, biotech entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy, and former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie were all equally boring. It seems the only thing they debated successfully was who could...
House Leader Mike Johnson has proposed an unconventional idea to make January 6 riot footage more palatable for Republicans. In a recent press conference, Johnson declared that blurring faces on the infamous footage would make it easier for GOP members to, well, enjoy the scenes without feeling conflicted. The Louisiana congressman, known for his outside-the-box...
Gen Z is reeling from a discovery that has left them questioning the very essence of their favorite snacks. Brace yourselves, because it turns out that the mysterious ingredient in fruits is, wait for it… more fruit! Yes, you read that right. It seems the digital-savvy generation, known for its ability to decode complex emojis...
Former President Donald Trump has declared that he has transcended the laws of physics and is now officially immune to the constraints of the physical world. In a press conference that left journalists scratching their heads, Trump confidently announced, “I am no longer bound by the laws of physics. I’m like a superhero, folks. Call...
In a stunning turn of events, the highly prestigious Nog Institute of America has just released its annual Nog Rankings, and guess who cracked the top ten? That’s right, egg nog! In a surprising upset, egg nog has been voted America’s 8th favorite nog, beating out lesser-known contenders like almond nog and coconut nog. The...
In a surprising turn of events, George Santos, the recently expelled congressman, is thrilled about his newfound freedom from the shackles of Capitol Hill. While most politicians would be devastated by such a setback, Santos has embraced the opportunity to focus on more important things in life—like family, cooking, and, of course, the impending federal...
Geneva, Switzerland – Swiss tourism professionals got the bad news yesterday that the Geneva Convention, the world’s oldest and largest trade show devoted to war crimes, has been moved to Las Vegas for the next three years. “Geneva has been good to us, but Vegas made us an offer that we just couldn’t refuse,” said...
In a surprising turn of celestial events, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was taken aback upon his arrival in heaven to find it not quite the pearly gates and fluffy clouds he had envisioned. Instead, he was welcomed by a rather toasty atmosphere, with celestial flames flickering in the distance. Reports suggest that Kissinger,...
Documents recently discovered by historians at Stanford University reveal that members of the famed Donner Party did not eat their friends and family members out of desperation, as has been the belief, but rather because they were on a high-protein diet. The Donner Party became hopelessly lost in 1846 on their way out west and...