Health Archives - Broken Newz

McDonald’s Hit with Lawsuit Over New “Orange Bronzer Fries” – Customers Turn Shades of Trump

Steve Tanner on October 24, 2024

McDonald’s is facing a new controversy after customers reported experiencing severe illness—not from E. coli this time, but from an unexpected ingredient found in their beloved fries: Donald Trump’s signature orange bronzer.

This scandal comes hot on the heels of a viral photo-op involving the former president, where he visited a McDonald’s in downtown Tulsa, personally handing out fries and burgers to gleeful supporters. “No one does fries like I do,” Trump reportedly said while holding up a particularly glowing fry that seemed to shimmer in the midday sun. “I’m bringing back orange – it’s a tremendous color, trust me. Some say the best color.”

However, what began as a golden moment quickly turned into a literal orange nightmare. Hours after the photo op, McDonald’s patrons began flooding social media with images of their orange-tinted skin, accompanied by nausea, dizziness, and an overwhelming urge to say the word “tremendous.”

“I thought it was just the restaurant lighting,” said one customer, Pam Johnson of Tulsa, who began noticing her fingers were gradually turning a hue eerily similar to Trump’s famous tan. “But when my skin started to match my Cheetos, I knew something was wrong.”

Doctors confirmed that dozens of McDonald’s fans were suffering from “Acute Trumping Syndrome,” a condition characterized by skin discoloration, overconfidence, and an uncontrollable desire to fire people.

The Bronzer Fries Mystery:

Initial investigations revealed traces of bronzer—specifically, the same shade worn by Trump during his campaign rallies—had somehow made its way into the fries. McDonald’s CEO, Chris Kempczinski, denied any intentional wrongdoing, stating, “We have never authorized the use of cosmetics in our food products. However, we cannot account for what happens when VIPs visit.”

Speculation has mounted that Trump’s enthusiasm for the photo op may have led to an accidental contamination. Sources claim that while handing out fries, the former president generously applied his own custom orange bronzer, inadvertently dusting the fries with what scientists are now calling “Tan #45.”

Customer Reactions:

While most customers expressed concern over their new tangerine appearance, others seemed less bothered.

“I kind of like it,” said one man sporting an unusually bright complexion. “It’s like Trump meets Willy Wonka. Plus, my friends can’t lose me in the dark anymore.”

But not everyone is embracing their new orange glow. One local woman, Karen Jenkins, described her experience as “absolutely horrifying.”

“My husband thought I was trying a new spray tan for our vacation, but I hadn’t even left the McDonald’s parking lot yet,” she complained. “I was glowing like a traffic cone by the time I got home.”

The Lawsuits Begin:

McDonald’s, already facing legal action for the recent E. coli outbreak, now finds itself hit with a class-action lawsuit from dozens of customers demanding compensation for the bronzer-related illnesses.

“We’re seeking damages not only for the physical effects but for emotional distress,” said attorney Gloria Bronzowitz, who represents the plaintiffs. “Our clients did not ask to look like they just left Mar-a-Lago.”

One unnamed plaintiff claims she has been unable to scrub the orange tint from her skin for days and has been mistaken for a pumpkin by multiple people in her neighborhood. “I went to a costume party, and I wasn’t even wearing a costume. It’s humiliating.”

McDonald’s Response:

In a statement, McDonald’s offered an apology to affected customers, explaining that while it’s still investigating the source of the bronzer contamination, it would be issuing vouchers for free fries as compensation—though, notably, without any bronzer.

Trump himself took to social media to deny any involvement, tweeting, “I don’t see the problem. Orange is a beautiful color. Everyone’s talking about it. These people should be thanking me for the glow-up!”

As McDonald’s grapples with this latest fiasco, one thing is clear: The fast-food giant may need to rethink its promotional events—or at the very least, invest in non-transferable bronzer for future VIP visits. Until then, Tulsa residents will just have to be cautious before their next French fry craving turns into an accidental Trump tribute.

McDonald’s Faces Unprecedented Sales Drop as Nation Realizes Diarrhea Isn’t Fun

Steve Tanner on August 2, 2024

In an unforeseen turn of events, fast-food giant McDonald’s has reported a significant decrease in sales as Americans finally come to grips with the revelation that experiencing diarrhea is, in fact, not enjoyable.

Diarrhea Detractors Speak Out

“I used to enjoy the thrill of eating a McDouble and playing the ‘Will I or Won’t I’ game with my digestive system,” said former McDonald’s aficionado, Tom Gutters. “But one day, it hit me: I don’t actually like spending hours in the bathroom praying for mercy.”

Gutters is not alone in his epiphany. A recent survey indicates that over 75% of former fast-food consumers have come to similar conclusions, realizing that the gastronomic roulette played with McDonald’s menu items often leads to unfavorable outcomes.

McDonald’s Marketing Mayhem

Caught off guard by this newfound awareness, McDonald’s marketing team has scrambled to rebrand their image. Initial efforts included a campaign titled “McHealthy, McHappy,” which featured kale-infused smoothies and a quinoa burger. Unfortunately, these health-conscious offerings only further alienated their core customer base, who were skeptical of McDonald’s sudden pivot towards health.

“We’re trying to find the balance,” said McDonald’s Chief Marketing Officer, Patty Pusher. “We need to remind people of the joy of our food without emphasizing the unfortunate side effects. Perhaps we overshot with the kale smoothie.”

The Great Bathroom Breakup

Health experts and social media influencers have also played a crucial role in the nationwide change of heart. Viral posts under hashtags like #ByeByeBathroomBreaks and #DumpingMcDonalds have garnered millions of likes, shares, and retweets, creating a digital movement that McDonald’s cannot ignore.

One particularly impactful post from wellness guru, Serenity Smoothie, reads: “Why settle for explosive bathroom visits when you can have a calm and regular digestive journey? #DumpingMcDonalds”

Rethinking the Menu

In an attempt to win back its clientele, McDonald’s has turned to an eclectic mix of food scientists and chefs to reinvent their offerings. Early prototypes include the “Gentle on the Stomach” burger and “No-Regret Nuggets,” which are supposedly designed to be kinder to one’s gastrointestinal system.

However, initial taste tests have been less than favorable. “It just doesn’t have that same greasy, guilty pleasure taste,” complained one test subject. “If I’m not risking a bathroom blitz, is it even McDonald’s?”

A New Frontier

As McDonald’s navigates this unexpected downturn, competitors like Burger King and Wendy’s have taken a cautious approach, subtly altering their marketing strategies without drawing direct attention to the gastrointestinal implications.

Meanwhile, McDonald’s continues to grapple with the stark reality that the nation has woken up to the discomfort that often follows a Happy Meal. Their latest slogan, “Feel Good Inside and Out,” is being test-marketed, though many believe it might be too little, too late.

Only time will tell if McDonald’s can reclaim their throne in the fast-food kingdom or if this marks the end of an era dominated by deep-fried delight and post-meal distress. For now, one thing is clear: America is no longer lovin’ it.

Please Check The Expiration Date on Your Birth Certificate

Steve Tanner on January 15, 2024

In a stunning revelation that has left the nation collectively scratching its head, it turns out that birth certificates come with expiration dates! Cue the gasps, double-takes, and a resounding “Wait, what?” echoing across the land. As people flock to their dusty drawers and attics in search of this unexpected ticking time bomb, conspiracy theories are starting to emerge – is this a ploy by the government to make us all feel the pressure of time, or does someone at the Department of Vital Records know something you do not.

Now, with the realization sinking in, citizens are left pondering the pressing question: Can you actually get your birth certificate renewed? The Government has yet to release an official statement on whether they’ll offer a Birth Certificate Renewal Extravaganza, complete with confetti and a certificate-shaped cake. In the meantime, social media is buzzing with DIY renewal tips, ranging from bathing your birth certificate in the fountain of youth to giving it a pep talk every morning. After all, nobody wants to be stuck with an expired birth certificate, possibly facing the horrifying prospect of turning into a legal pumpkin at midnight.

But beware, for there’s a dark side to this revelation. A new cautionary tale is spreading like wildfire: stay away from people whose birth certificates have exceeded their expiration dates. Rumor has it, that these individuals may possess a unique blend of ancient wisdom and questionable legal status. Some even speculate that they’ve unlocked the secret to time travel – though their method likely involves long lines at government offices and confusing paperwork. So, next time you meet someone proudly sporting an expired birth certificate, remember: approach with caution and maybe a sprinkle of skepticism. After all, you wouldn’t want to get entangled in a timeline more convoluted than your uncle’s conspiracy theories about alien invasions!