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250 MILLION AMERICANS SCREAM “BINGO!” AS TRUMP SPEEDRUNS THE APOCALYPSE

Steve Tanner on February 5, 2025

In an event that will go down in history as either the loudest synchronized scream or the final desperate cry of a collapsing nation, 250 million Americans simultaneously yelled “BINGO!” this morning after President Donald Trump’s latest actions successfully filled out their End of the World Bingo cards.

The collective outburst, described by one scientist as “audible from space,” occurred shortly after Trump declared his administration was abolishing the U.S. Department of Energy and replacing it with a casino—a move so absurd that it perfectly capped off the nation’s doomsday predictions.

THE FASTEST BINGO IN HISTORY

Experts had initially predicted that it would take at least two full years into Trump’s second first term for Americans to complete their End of the World Bingo cards. However, in just three weeks, Trump has accomplished a dystopian speedrun that puts previous historical disasters to shame.

Among the actions responsible for the nationwide Bingo! moment:

Trump banned all electric cars and mandated that all vehicles be powered by “American Muscle” (coal engines).
Issued an executive order to replace all government buildings with Trump-branded hotels, forcing Congress to conduct sessions in the Mar-a-Lago ballroom.
Announced that America will stop recognizing leap years because they are “woke.”
Nominated Kid Rock as Secretary of Defense, citing his extensive experience in “blowing stuff up in music videos.”
Officially made “You’re Fired” the new legal method for Supreme Court removals—resulting in three justices being dismissed during a single commercial break.
Suggested that NATO “stand for something cooler” and proposed renaming it “The Real World Alliance.”
Replaced the National Anthem with his WWE entrance music, confusing millions of schoolchildren during morning assemblies.

“It’s truly unprecedented,” said political analyst Dr. Sarah Grant. “Never before has a president hit so many apocalyptic milestones so quickly. It’s like he’s actively trying to set the country on fire, but he’s using a flamethrower made of executive orders and bad ideas.”

THE AP BINGO BREAKING POINT

What really set off the nationwide Bingo! was Trump’s latest diplomatic masterstroke, reported by the Associated Press: his stunning threat to withdraw support from Israel unless Benjamin Netanyahu personally acknowledges him as “the best President ever.”

This demand came moments after Trump accidentally referred to Hamas as “a great group of guys” in an off-the-cuff speech where he confused the Palestinian militant group with a Florida golf club.

“I knew it was coming, but I didn’t think it would be this fast,” said Maryland resident Lisa Carter, clutching her fully marked Bingo card with a mix of horror and relief. “When he told Netanyahu to call him ‘America’s daddy’ or lose U.S. funding, I just whispered, ‘That’s it… that’s my last square.’”

THE IMPENDING FLAMING DUMPSTER DESTINY

Despite the country collectively realizing it is barreling toward the world’s biggest flaming dumpster, Trump remains unfazed.

In response to concerns, he tweeted:

“FAKE NEWS! The world is NOT ending! It’s just a ‘BIG AND STRONG’ new beginning!! Just like my first presidency!!!”

Moments later, he followed up with another tweet:

“BIG BINGO WINNERS!!! Whoever filled their cards first gets FREE STAY at the NEW Trump FEMA Camps!!! Great resorts, many people saying best place to live after the apocalypse!”

WHAT’S NEXT?

With no End of the World Bingo cards left to fill, analysts say Americans may soon have to create Doomsday Sudoku or Collapse Yahtzee! to keep up with Trump’s breathtakingly dumb policies.

As for the fate of the nation, Harvard historian Dr. Emily West simply sighed:

“We used to say Rome wasn’t built in a day. But apparently, America can be burned to the ground in three weeks.”

Ban of TikTok Will Force Thousands To Find Other Websites To Convince You That You Can Make A Watermelon Look and Taste Like Steak

Steve Tanner on January 17, 2025

TikTok—the beloved app that made viral watermelon steak tutorials a household phenomenon—is facing a potential nationwide ban, leaving Gen Z creators scrambling to find alternative platforms to share their groundbreaking revelation: that watermelon, when seared just right, can allegedly taste like steak.

For millions of Gen Z TikTok users, this isn’t just about losing an app—it’s about losing a way of life. The platform that brought us dances, dubious skincare hacks, and endless debates over the pronunciation of “charcuterie” is now poised to disappear, taking with it the cherished #WatermelonSteak movement.

“It’s like they don’t want us to thrive,” said 19-year-old Madison “Meatless Queen” Taylor in a tearful Instagram Live. “What am I supposed to do now? Convince people to cook fruit on LinkedIn?”

The End of an Era (and Maybe Your Appetite)

TikTok has long been a safe haven for Gen Z innovators who believe the culinary rules of the universe are mere suggestions. For years, they’ve tirelessly experimented in their kitchens, asking questions like, “Can you turn cauliflower into mac and cheese?” or “What if pasta were made of zucchini and regret?”

The watermelon steak craze became one of TikTok’s defining culinary contributions. Armed with soy sauce, liquid smoke, and unchecked optimism, creators would char thick slabs of watermelon, declaring with a straight face that it tasted just like a medium-rare filet. Critics called it sacrilege. Fans called it sustainable. Everyone else called Domino’s.

Now, with TikTok’s future in jeopardy, the world is left wondering: where will these young pioneers take their absurd food content next?

The Great Platform Exodus

As the potential ban looms, alternative platforms are already experiencing a surge in watermelon-related uploads. Instagram Reels, once the home of boomer vacation photos, is bracing for a flood of Gen Z creators trying to explain why fruit deserves a spot at the BBQ.

Snapchat has quietly rolled out a new feature called “Flop Filters,” allowing users to make their watermelon steaks look slightly less horrifying. YouTube, meanwhile, is capitalizing on the chaos with a new trend: “Longform Food Fail Videos.”

But not every app is ready for the incoming tide. A spokesperson for Pinterest issued a statement: “We are thrilled to welcome TikTok creators, but we draw the line at turning watermelons into anything other than decorative centerpieces.”

A Generation in Crisis

For many Gen Z creators, the ban feels like a personal attack. “This is silencing an entire generation’s voice,” said 20-year-old influencer Liam “Chef of Chaos” Miller. “TikTok taught us that anything can be food if you believe in yourself—and have enough balsamic glaze.”

Experts warn that the loss of TikTok could have far-reaching consequences for culinary culture. “We’re not just losing an app,” said Dr. Elaine Carter, a sociologist who studies digital communities. “We’re losing the collective delusion that made people think banana peels are an acceptable substitute for bacon. And that’s a tragedy.”

The Future of Watermelon Steaks

As Gen Z migrates to new platforms, some creators are taking their passion offline. Watermelon steak pop-up shops are reportedly appearing in parking lots across the country. In New York, one rogue chef is hosting underground “fruit-to-meat” dinner parties, charging $100 a plate to taste his patented smoked kiwi brisket.

“I won’t stop until the world sees the truth,” said Madison Taylor, defiantly holding a slice of grilled watermelon. “Watermelon is steak. And steak is, like, a social construct or whatever.”

Whether this TikTok ban marks the end of the watermelon steak era—or the beginning of an even stranger culinary movement—one thing is clear: the internet will always find a way to ruin perfectly good food.

America Finally Finds Common Ground as Americans Agree They Have No Clue Who Robbie Williams Is

Steve Tanner on January 12, 2025

UNITY IN 2025!!!

In a stunning display of rare and historic unity, the United States of America has come together as one to declare: “We have absolutely no idea who Robbie Williams is, and frankly, we’re fine with that.”

The epiphany struck after news broke that the upcoming Robbie Williams biopic, Better Man, generated less excitement stateside than a 4th of July tofu BBQ. A survey revealed that 93% of Americans, when asked about the British pop icon, responded with some variation of “Who?” or “Is he the guy from Mrs. Doubtfire?”

The remaining 7% assumed he was Robin Williams’ British cousin, a lesser-known Backstreet Boy, or perhaps an obscure regional mascot.

This cultural consensus has ignited joy across a country often polarized over everything from politics to pineapple on pizza. On Twitter, Americans swapped memes about Robbie Williams with giddy enthusiasm:

“I Googled him. He’s like if the UK made their own Pitbull but forgot to send him over in the exchange program.”
“Just found out he’s the guy who sings ‘Angels.’ Still no idea who that is, though. Angels from where???”
“So… no Super Bowl halftime show for this guy?”

The confusion is particularly stark when compared to Robbie Williams’ massive popularity in the UK, where his name is synonymous with boy band royalty and iconic solo hits. In America, however, he ranks somewhere between Eurovision winners and that one British guy from Love Actually in terms of cultural recognition.

“I thought I’d seen his name on the credits for Ted Lasso,” admitted Greg Taylor of Omaha, Nebraska. “Turns out I was thinking of Robbie Savage, and even he’s a stretch.”

Even Hollywood insiders are puzzled. The marketing team behind Better Man reportedly debated whether to bill the film as “a touching journey of one man’s rise to global fame” or “The movie about that one guy who’s big in Europe… no, not David Hasselhoff.”

Meanwhile, the Better Man trailer has barely registered a blip on U.S. streaming platforms. Experts believe the lack of interest stems not from active dislike, but rather complete indifference. “It’s not that we hate Robbie Williams,” said cultural analyst Karen McMillan. “It’s just that he’s, well… extra credit on the syllabus of British exports.”

Across the pond, British fans are baffled. “How can they not know him?!” exclaimed 45-year-old diehard Sarah Winchester, standing in front of her Robbie shrine. “He’s Robbie bloody Williams! He’s basically the soundtrack to my ‘90s adolescence!”

Americans, however, remain unfazed. “Look, he seems cool and all,” said Stephanie Ortiz of Austin, Texas. “But we’ve already got Harry Styles, Ed Sheeran, and a backlog of royal scandals to keep track of. There’s only so much bandwidth for British imports.”

As the U.S. collectively shrugs its shoulders at Robbie Williams, political leaders have already proposed a national Who Is Robbie Williams Day, a federal holiday where citizens come together to not Google him. The holiday has bipartisan support and is expected to pass into law unanimously—a first in modern American history.

For now, the nation savors its newfound harmony. “We may argue about a lot of things,” said Jessica Reynolds of Columbus, Ohio, “but at least we can all agree on this: Robbie who?”

Crypto Investors Celebrate as Bitcoin ‘Bounces Back’ to Half of What They Lost Last Year

Steve Tanner on December 10, 2024

“The comeback is real!” tweets a hopeful millionaire-turned-Uber driver.

Crypto enthusiasts are in high spirits this week as Bitcoin surged to an impressive $28,000—a number that, while still a fraction of its former $60,000 glory, has inspired a wave of optimism among long-suffering investors.

“This is the comeback we’ve been waiting for!” tweeted self-proclaimed crypto mogul Gary Hoddle, now an Uber driver in Tampa. “I always knew I’d be back on top… even if it’s only halfway there. #ToTheMoon (kinda).”

The excitement comes after a brutal year in which many investors saw their digital fortunes evaporate faster than a Dogecoin meme’s relevance. For some, the bounce-back is a sign of resilience; for others, it’s a gentle reminder that investing your life savings into a volatile digital asset might not have been the brightest idea.

Diamond Hands, or Delusional Grip?

Crypto expert and YouTube personality “Blockchain Becky” described the resurgence as “a historic moment in digital currency.” She added, “Sure, it’s not what we hoped, but who needs Lambos when you can at least afford a used Honda Civic again?”

However, financial analysts remain cautious. “Investors celebrating this rebound is like someone getting excited about finding half their wallet after losing the other half at a blackjack table,” said economist Dr. Karen Ledger. “It’s optimism, but maybe… misplaced?”

Real-Life Impact

The recovery has had real-world implications for many crypto enthusiasts. Ryan “BitBoss” Carlson, who sold his house to buy Bitcoin in 2021, says he’s finally able to sleep through the night.

“Last year, I was Googling ‘how to live off ramen long-term,’” he told CNN. “Now, I’m Googling ‘how to cook ramen with flair.’ Progress is progress.”

Meanwhile, Twitter remains flooded with bullish memes, including one showing Bitcoin climbing a ladder labeled “Hope” while holding a flag that reads “Halfway There.” Another trending hashtag, #CryptoComeback2024, has users fantasizing about the days when they can once again humblebrag about their portfolios.

The Real Winner? Memecoins

In an ironic twist, the meme-driven Dogecoin has also seen a minor spike, prompting Tesla CEO Elon Musk to tweet a single emoji: 🚀. This, in turn, caused Dogecoin’s value to jump by 0.03 cents—a monumental gain in the eyes of its faithful supporters.

“Dogecoin is the future!” screamed one Reddit user, who immediately followed up with a post asking how to return unopened cans of Spam for a full refund.

A Cautious Optimism

While many celebrate, others remain skeptical. “If this is a ‘win,’ then so is finding 10 bucks in your winter coat after losing 1,000 at the casino,” commented famed crypto critic Peter Bearish.

Still, for those who have held on through the chaos, this halfway recovery feels like vindication. “It’s not the top,” admitted Carlson, “but hey, it’s better than explaining to my family at Thanksgiving why I’m wearing Bitcoin socks instead of actual shoes.”

Whether this is the start of a new golden age for cryptocurrency or just a blip on the road to total financial ruin remains to be seen. For now, crypto investors are savoring the moment—one Uber ride at a time.

Spokesman-Review’s Alexandra Duggan Faces Career Crisis: Talent, Not Affairs, Needed for Success

Steve Tanner on November 25, 2024

Spokane, WA — Alexandra Duggan, a reporter for the Spokesman-Review, has found herself in an unexpected professional crisis. After blazing a trail through newsrooms in Boise—leaving scandalized supervisors at KTVB and the Idaho Press in her wake—Duggan has discovered an unfortunate truth about the journalism industry: at some point, you have to actually write.

“I didn’t sign up for this,” Duggan reportedly complained during a staff meeting, visibly frustrated while brainstorming for her next feature. “I thought journalism was all about relationships. And, let’s be real, I’ve excelled at that.”

Duggan’s rise in local journalism has been unconventional, if not outright infamous. Beginning her career at KTVB, her early work was described as “unreadable but well-intentioned” by colleagues. Yet, Duggan’s career flourished, thanks to her remarkable ability to form “deep, personal connections” with newsroom leadership. When asked for comment, one former editor said, “She had a… unique approach to mentorship.”

After leaving a string of bewildered editors in Boise, Duggan moved on to the Idaho Press, where her investigative series on “Why Boise Is a City” failed to generate interest but nonetheless earned her a quick promotion. Her success there coincided with a mass exodus of management, with one departing editor citing “irreconcilable professional differences and ongoing marital counseling.”

Now entrenched at the Spokesman-Review, Duggan has hit a wall. “This newsroom is different,” she confessed to coworkers during an off-the-record happy hour. “The editors are all happily married, and HR keeps ‘checking in’ on me. It’s like they expect me to report news. How is that fair?”

Her lack of preparation has been evident. Recent attempts to pitch stories have included such gripping ideas as “Top 5 Stoplights in Spokane” and “Do Trees Really Need Leaves?” According to staff insiders, her drafts often read like rambling diary entries, with one editor likening her prose to “a seventh-grader’s book report after watching half a documentary.”

Co-workers have grown increasingly exasperated. “We were all rooting for her at first,” said copy editor Rob Curley. “But it’s hard to respect someone whose biggest career highlight is that time she sort of spelled ‘Spokane’ right. The ‘Q’ was unnecessary, but hey, progress.”

Faced with mounting pressure to deliver quality work, Duggan has taken drastic measures, including signing up for an online journalism course titled How to Write Sentences That People Want to Read. She’s also begun blaming her struggles on the news cycle. “It’s just so slow right now,” she explained. “How am I supposed to find a story when nothing happens in this city? It’s not my fault reality is boring.”

Her attempts at self-reinvention haven’t gone unnoticed. “She brought donuts to the last pitch meeting,” one intern revealed. “We thought she was turning over a new leaf, but then she stapled her phone number to them and labeled it ‘for editorial emergencies.’”

At press time, Duggan was reportedly drafting a piece titled “Why Journalism Is Harder Than Rocket Science,” while simultaneously swiping through LinkedIn for open “righting” positions.

Boomer Thanksgiving in Crisis as Trump Victory Leaves Family With Nothing to Scream About

Steve Tanner on November 11, 2024

“Running out of clouds to yell at!”

November 2024 – Across the country, a cloud of anxiety looms over Thanksgiving gatherings as millions of Boomer parents, aunts, and uncles struggle to find a suitable topic to argue about over the dinner table. Following Trump’s unexpected victory, the traditional feast-day yelling that once united families in a blaze of cross-table animosity is in serious jeopardy.

“I was gearing up to yell about how Biden was steering the country straight into the ground,” sighed Uncle Rick, as he nervously polished off his third glass of pinot noir before noon. “I had an entire PowerPoint presentation ready for the cranberry sauce course.” Rick, like many other Boomer uncles, now finds himself in a void, unsure of how to re-purpose his well-rehearsed monologue on the perils of progressive tax reform and pronouns.

For Aunt Linda, whose Thanksgiving crown jewel was screaming “fake news” at whichever liberal niece or nephew dared mention the economy, the news of Trump’s win has thrown her entire week into chaos. “Who’s going to rant about inflation now?” she wondered, nervously adjusting her homemade MAGA earrings. “I was ready to tear apart anyone who suggested any future that didn’t include a border wall and a gas stove.”

Typically, Thanksgiving has served as a sanctuary for Boomers to drink just a touch too much and raise their voices slightly too loud, confidently blaming Democrats for everything from the stock market to pumpkin spice lattes. Yet now, left without Biden to berate or “voter fraud” to invoke, they’re left aimless, wandering through their homes muttering to themselves and idly swiping through Fox News headlines that suddenly lack any urgency.

A quick scroll through social media reveals that the crisis is widespread. One thread on Reddit shows Boomers desperate for a topic that won’t fizzle out by the turkey course. “If I can’t yell about ‘socialism’ without context, then what am I supposed to yell about?” asked one anonymous poster. “My son-in-law suggested climate change, but it just isn’t the same.”

To fill the void, many Boomers are turning to unlikely topics. Last week, a record number of Google searches for “Is TikTok bad?” and “Are air fryers really just tiny ovens?” spiked as Thanksgiving hosts across the nation frantically sought alternative arguments to fuel the holiday spirit. While TikTok’s alleged “brainwashing effect” provided Uncle Jim with about five minutes of solid material, and Aunt Susan discovered a vague hatred for plant-based butter, these new topics barely make it through the mashed potatoes.

Cousins sitting at the kids’ table have even banded together in an effort to introduce “safe topics” like the latest Marvel movie, pets, or the benefits of a balanced 401(k). “It was a nice try,” admitted 28-year-old Taylor, whose mother stormed out of the room when her dog’s pronouns were casually mentioned. “But it just isn’t the same. It’s like they’re all trying to drum up fake outrage about ‘Gen Z sensitivity’ and ‘remote work’—it’s amateur stuff.”

Meanwhile, Boomers are getting desperate. In fact, “The War on Christmas” arguments are breaking out nearly a month early. “I don’t care if it’s only Thanksgiving!” said Grandma Sandy, clutching her cross. “I’ll start complaining about Starbucks cups if it keeps this dinner from being ruined by peaceful conversation!”

Back in Uncle Rick’s home, the situation grows dire as he notices his son and daughter-in-law attempting to compliment each other’s careers and swap recipes in a rare show of familial harmony. Wringing his hands, Rick finally snaps, diving in with, “I bet you’re happy with those student loan pauses! Back in my day, we earned things!”

By evening, as leftover casserole cools, and Boomer patriots sit in armchairs, visibly listless and clutching their empty glasses, a tear glistens in Uncle Rick’s eye. “I just wanted someone to call me out for wearing a Let’s Go Brandon hat indoors,” he whispers.

Google Reports Highest-Ever Search Term Following Trump’s Reelection: “Holy Fucking Shit What Just Happened Did He Get Reelected How Do I Buy a House in Canada?”

Steve Tanner on November 7, 2024

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In an unprecedented surge of user activity, Google has reported the highest volume search term in the company’s history following former president Donald Trump’s unexpected reelection victory. The leading query? “Holy fucking shit what just happened did he get reelected how do I buy a house in Canada?” closely followed by the second-highest search term, “where do I watch Great British Bake Off?”

“Every election sees a spike in searches,” says Google spokesperson Sarah Lambert, “but we’ve never seen anything quite like this. People are just… coping, I think, and looking to relocate. Or maybe bake.”

According to Google Trends, the surge was first detected around 10 p.m. ET, when news broke that Trump had taken the lead. The term “Holy fucking shit” was immediately flagged as “volcanic” in search volume by Google, with some users adding variations like, “is this real life” and “did he really win again dear god.” Search volume continued to rise as people grasped for information, including “how does one move to Canada without significant savings” and “how to survive Canadian winters (asking for a friend).”

Canada’s immigration website reportedly crashed for the third consecutive election cycle, and moving companies with branches in Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal saw an unexpected surge in site traffic, along with calls from frantic Americans wanting to know if their dogs would need passports.

Some users simply went straight for comfort, as demonstrated by the second-highest trending search, “where do I watch Great British Bake Off?” which Lambert speculated might provide a temporary “escape into a peaceful, flour-dusted world of sponge cakes and ganache.”

Other top search queries from the night included:

“can I buy a one-way plane ticket to Greenland”
“is it too late to flee”
“remote jobs for Americans with no wilderness survival skills”
“would my cat enjoy Canada”

Political analysts note that the searches suggest a renewed interest in escapism, culinary therapy, and alternative citizenship options. Google has promised that, should interest continue, it will streamline search results to include vetted real estate agents, relocation guides, and quick links to watch Great British Bake Off legally in the U.S.

In a statement, the Canadian government advised Americans to “stay calm and wait it out,” noting that their immigration staff is “already quite tired from the 2020, 2024, and now 2028 elections.”

Donald Trump Watch Only Tells You Why Other Watches Can’t Tell Time

Steve Tanner on October 18, 2024

Donald Trump has unveiled his latest product: the Trump Timepiece™. This revolutionary watch has promised to redefine how we perceive time, not by telling it accurately, but by telling you why all other watches are complete and total failures.

At a flashy press conference in Mar-a-Lago, Trump declared, “I’ve got the best watch, folks. The BEST watch. Everybody’s saying it. You look at this watch, and you know it’s going to tell the most accurate time, tremendous time. The other watches? Disaster. Complete disasters.”

The Trump Timepiece™, emblazoned with gold trim and unnecessarily large branding, doesn’t have moving hands. Instead, it features a tiny speaker that starts with an impassioned monologue every time you glance at your wrist.

“Look, you wanna know the time? This watch knows the time. Better than any watch out there. I mean, you’ve got Rolex, you’ve got Omega, what a joke, folks. They’re ugly. Everyone’s saying how ugly they are. No taste! Their time? It’s rigged. They’ve been lying to you about time for years. We all know it.”

When asked if the watch actually tells you the time, Trump was quick to respond, “My watch does tell you the time. The best time. It’s beautiful. And, believe me, it’s never wrong. Never. But the problem with time? Nobody cares about time anymore. They care about winning. And this watch, folks, this is a winner.”

As the watch continues its soliloquy, it abruptly shifts focus to attacking its competitors. “Timex? Weak. I know watches, I’ve got great watches, and Timex—terrible. Their watches? They’re falling apart. You ask people, they’ll tell you. Not good watches. Sad! Swatch? A mess. Nobody even likes them, folks. They’re making watches in Switzerland, and we all know what Switzerland’s been up to. Don’t get me started on Fitbit. It’s a scam! They’re tracking you, folks. It’s very bad.”

After a brief pause, the watch reassures the user once more. “But this watch? This watch doesn’t need to tell time. It knows time. It’s always the right time when you’re wearing it, because I say so. You want 3 o’clock? It’s 3 o’clock. You want 5? Sure, why not? The time changes because we’re making time great again.”

Critics were quick to point out that the watch doesn’t actually do anything a watch is supposed to do. When pressed for answers, a spokesperson for Trump Timepiece™ doubled down. “You see, the liberal media is trying to sabotage this watch. They want you to believe time needs to be linear. Trump’s time isn’t confined by seconds or minutes. It’s bigger than that. It’s a movement. Other watches? They’re enslaved by the ticking of time. But not this watch. This watch transcends. Just like Trump.”

Marketed at a cool $102,499 (“a tremendous deal, folks”), the Trump Timepiece™ is available in gold, more gold, and “huge gold.” Buyers are assured that, while the watch may not actually display the time, it will make them feel like they know what time it is, and that’s all that really matters.

When asked if he would ever consider launching a watch that actually functions like a normal watch, Trump was clear: “Why would I? Look, my watch is doing great. Everybody loves it. The numbers are huge. You want a watch that just tells time? Go ahead. Be a loser. But my watch? It’s for winners. And winners don’t need to know what time it is—they just know it’s their time.”

In related news, sales of traditional watches have soared as people everywhere desperately try to find out the actual time.

Elon Musk Just Snatched the Top Spot on Forbes’ Creepiest Billionaire List—Mark Zuckerberg’s Tears are Digital

Steve Tanner on October 7, 2024

Move over, Zuck, there’s a new creeper in town, and it’s none other than Elon Musk! That’s right, the man who once challenged Vladimir Putin to single combat over the fate of Ukraine has now bested Mark Zuckerberg to claim the number one spot on Forbes‘ illustrious “Creepiest Billionaire” list. It’s been a nail-biting race, but Musk, who has never met a controversy he couldn’t make worse, finally took home the gold.

So, what pushed Musk over the edge? Was it his notorious pedo guy slur, hurled at a cave rescuer in Thailand? Maybe it was his bizarre, erratic tweeting spree, where his “brain works” in mysterious ways—ways that have cost Tesla millions. Or, perhaps, the fact that Musk casually dropped $250,000 to silence sexual misconduct allegations, promising a flight attendant a horse in exchange for… well, things horses shouldn’t be involved in.

This year, it was Musk’s solid roster of bad behavior that sealed his place in history. Let’s break down some of the highlights that sent Zuckerberg—who can no longer make the Metaverse his safe space—into a tailspin:

Toxic Workplace Vibes: Tesla’s factory sounds like a mashup of The Office and Mad Max. With reports of rampant racism and harassment, one worker claimed to have heard 100 racial slurs a day! Not content with merely fostering a terrible environment, Musk’s management style involves random firings and a willingness to devour employees at will—without any of the dietary benefits of actual food.
Sexual Misconduct (and Horses): When a SpaceX flight attendant accused Musk of exposing himself and offering to buy her a horse, we all learned a valuable lesson: keep horses out of weird billionaire propositions. Instead of taking responsibility, Musk did what he does best—deny, pay hush money, and fire off a few tweets about it being a “hit job.”
Space Dragons, Covid Conspiracies, and Pronoun Jokes: As if the billionaire’s commitment to free speech needed more flexing, Musk turned Twitter into his personal playground, predicting Mars landings (2029, y’all!), mocking pronouns, and spreading COVID conspiracies that have no basis in reality but are, apparently, hilarious in the Musk household.
The “Pedo Guy” Incident: Remember when Musk heroically sent a mini-sub to help with the Thai cave rescue, and it wasn’t needed? Instead of bowing out gracefully, he labeled one of the rescuers a “pedo guy” for daring to insult his sub. It’s almost charming how hard Musk tried to lose that defamation lawsuit. Almost.

Mark Zuckerberg, eat your heart out. Sure, you’ve got the awkward alien-like stares, the data-privacy scandals, and that virtual reality dystopia no one asked for, but Musk? He’s got flamethrowers, bizarre baby names (X Æ A-12, anyone?), and a toxic leadership style that screams 1950s villain.

Congratulations, Elon. You’ve made it to the top. And we can’t wait to see how you’ll stay there. Maybe you’ll challenge Jeff Bezos to a duel in space? Or unveil plans to name your next child after an unsolvable CAPTCHA? One thing’s for sure—there’s no stopping the world’s creepiest billionaire.

P. Diddy Changes Name Again in Attempt to Escape Legal Troubles: “I Am Now… Probably Not Diddy”

Steve Tanner on September 25, 2024

The artist formerly known as Puffy, Puff, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, and, most recently, Love, has decided to change his name yet again in hopes of dodging his current legal issues. Sources close to the hip-hop mogul say Sean Combs, or whatever he’s calling himself today, believes a new identity might confuse the court system—perhaps just enough for him to slip through the cracks.

“I’ve been too recognizable,” Combs allegedly told reporters in a hastily arranged press conference. “Every time I turn around, it’s ‘Puff this, Diddy that.’ I need a fresh start… a fresh name. One that just screams ‘I’m innocent and definitely not the guy you’re looking for.'”

Rumors have swirled regarding the possible new moniker for the music icon, with insiders hinting he’s been testing out several options. Some of the top contenders include:

Sir Not Diddy
Mr. That-Wasn’t-Me
Innocent Puffington III
The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As P. Diddy
Unrelated Sean
Guy Who Looks Like Diddy But Isn’t
Squeaky Clean Combs
Definitely Not P. Diddy

Combs’ legal team has declined to comment on how a name change could impact his legal strategy, but one insider suggested that the rapper’s plan is to create so much confusion that judges will eventually ask, “Wait, which Diddy is this? Is this the new Diddy or the old Diddy? Are we even still talking about Diddy?”

Fans, meanwhile, are left baffled but not surprised. “I mean, at this point, I just call him ‘Whatever Diddy He Feels Like That Day,'” said one loyal fan. “But if he thinks ‘Sir Not Diddy’ will get him out of trouble, more power to him.”

The announcement has left legal analysts scratching their heads. “This is unprecedented,” said one expert. “But so were most of his other name changes. If nothing else, it shows that P. Diddy, or Puff, or Love—whatever—is still innovating, even in the courtroom.”

When asked what might come next if this latest rebranding effort doesn’t work, Combs reportedly winked and said, “Well, there’s always ‘Diddy McFly.’ No one can prosecute someone from the future.”

As of press time, court documents were being amended to reflect the artist’s name change, leaving the judge and opposing counsel to mutter, “I guess we’ll just have to Diddy with this.”