In what many are calling his most creative endeavor yet, Donald Trump Jr. has taken to TikTok with an unexpected and highly controversial new series of videos. Titled Neighborhood Nom Noms, the series aims to teach Americans how to cook delicious, homey meals using stray cats and dogs “liberated” from local yards, alleyways, and, in...
Atlanta, GA — In a move that has left both lawmakers and citizens scratching their heads, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp signed into law the “Fetal Self-Defense Act” yesterday afternoon. The legislation mandates that all pregnant women equip their unborn children with concealed weapons “to protect against potential threats,” a move proponents say will deter abortion...
In a stunning display of long-term planning, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) today announced an ambitious strategy to reclaim the South by the year 2076. “We’ve been playing the long game,” said a DNC spokesperson, “and we’re confident that by the time America celebrates its tricentennial, we’ll have made significant inroads.” The plan, which includes...
New York, August 2024 – In a move that has taken the fashion world by storm, former President Donald Trump has unveiled his latest venture: a high-end clothing line that has his supporters ready to empty their wallets. The collection, aptly named “The Emperor’s Attire,” features a range of luxurious garments that, according to Trump,...
In an unforeseen turn of events, fast-food giant McDonald’s has reported a significant decrease in sales as Americans finally come to grips with the revelation that experiencing diarrhea is, in fact, not enjoyable. Diarrhea Detractors Speak Out “I used to enjoy the thrill of eating a McDouble and playing the ‘Will I or Won’t I’...
Hollywood, CA – In an event that has shocked meteorologists, pop culture enthusiasts, and the LGBTQ+ community alike, beloved fitness guru Richard Simmons emerged from his self-imposed hibernation yesterday. In a bizarre twist of fate, he saw his own shadow, promptly announcing six more weeks of Gay Pride Month. Simmons, who has largely stayed out...
Presidents’ Day, authorities have announced a significant amendment to the holiday’s celebration. Henceforth, Presidents’ Day will come with a subtle asterisk, signifying the inclusion of “MOST” presidents. This nuanced adjustment aims to acknowledge the vast majority of leaders who have graced the Oval Office while tactfully sidestepping a select few who might not be everyone’s...
Harlong, Nebraska – A long-term lesbian relationship went up in flames this week when both parties reluctantly met for the first time. Matt “Hot_tongue1169” Phillips and Terrance “NE146D9” Mapps, both of Harlong, have been conducting an online relationship since October 1998. Seth Chambers, a friend of Phillips, explains. “Matt started impersonating female Hot_Tongue1169 in lesbian...
In a stunning revelation that has left the nation collectively scratching its head, it turns out that birth certificates come with expiration dates! Cue the gasps, double-takes, and a resounding “Wait, what?” echoing across the land. As people flock to their dusty drawers and attics in search of this unexpected ticking time bomb, conspiracy theories...
The data revealed that White girls’ thoughts about bangs peak during mundane activities like grocery shopping, sitting in traffic, or even attending mandatory office meetings. In fact, 72% of participants admitted to mentally measuring the ideal bang length during particularly dull moments. On the other side, studies show that white men spend 19% of their...