“If they’d just stop working so hard, we could finally deport them in peace,” says confused GOP lawmaker.

In a twist no one saw coming—except literally everyone—Republicans across the country are scratching their heads, wondering why Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) keeps rounding up undocumented immigrants at… their places of employment.

“We’ve spent years telling everyone these people are moochers, freeloaders, parasites on the hardworking American taxpayer,” said Senator Chuck Ribs (R-FL) while sipping a $9 latte made by an undocumented Guatemalan barista. “So imagine my surprise when ICE raided a poultry plant and found them elbow-deep in chicken guts. Disgusting. But like, impressive?”

The raids, reinforced under the “Make America Empty Again” initiative launched during President Trump’s golden age of Twitter governance, were meant to rid the nation of immigrants suspected of draining resources by doing such treasonous acts as “paying taxes,” “raising children,” and “keeping the agricultural economy afloat.”

However, officials have reported a troubling trend.

“They just keep… working,” said ICE Agent Brett Triggerstone. “We thought we’d find them lounging around in taxpayer-funded hot tubs or maybe binge-watching Telemundo on Section 8 couches. But they’re operating forklifts. They’re picking strawberries. One guy was the foreman. It’s like they want to contribute.”

The Trump administration, which prided itself on “hiring only the best people, as long as we don’t check their papers too closely,” has issued a new set of guidelines for ICE agents to avoid future embarrassments. Among the instructions:

• Stop looking for immigrants in factories and start checking yoga studios and Whole Foods.
• Assume anyone using a broom after 5 PM is a sleeper agent.
• Double-check anyone named “José” who knows how to weld.

Still, many Republican lawmakers remain confused about why immigrants don’t just do the decent thing and stop working altogether.

“If they’d just stay home and sponge like we say they do, none of this would be a problem,” said Rep. Linda Pillbox (R-OK). “But noooo, they have to go out and show up to the jobs Americans pretend to want. I mean, who really wants to wake up at 4 a.m. to roof a McMansion in Texas?”

The administration has suggested that immigrants’ insistence on providing for their families and maintaining dignity through labor is “directly interfering with ICE operations.” A new bill titled “The Stop Working So We Can Catch You Act” is being drafted to encourage undocumented immigrants to “give up already.”

Meanwhile, business owners who donated heavily to anti-immigrant politicians remain shocked at the sudden labor shortage caused by the arrests.

“I didn’t think they’d take my workers,” said Jeff Hunsucker, owner of Jeff’s Fine Dining and Dishwasher Exploitation Emporium. “I just thought they’d get the ones other people were using.”

As ICE ramps up its operations, experts warn that if this trend continues, America may face a future where rich white people are forced to mow their own lawns, clean their own houses, and possibly—God forbid—parent their own children.

“Let this be a warning,” said one ICE spokesperson. “Work hard, show up every day, and one of our trucks will be waiting outside to thank you for it—with a one-way trip to a detention center sponsored by the MyPillow guy.”

President Donald J. Trump announced today his intention to reopen the prison Azkaban, asserting that those opposing his administration are under the influence of “dark magical forces.”

“We’re going to bring it back, folks. Azkaban. People say it’s not real — I say it’s real in our hearts, and it’s time we use it to protect our nation,” Trump declared during a press briefing at the White House.

This announcement comes on the heels of Trump’s directive to reopen the historic Alcatraz prison, aiming to detain America’s most dangerous criminals.

“Alcatraz is nice — very scenic, lots of rock — but Azkaban is really something else,” Trump said. “It floats. It has flying things. Very secure. You can’t escape. Except for that one guy, but that was fake news.”

When questioned about the feasibility of reopening a prison that exists solely within the pages of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, Trump dismissed the concerns.

“I’ve read the books, OK? All of them. Very long. A lot of people said I wouldn’t finish them, but I did. I’m the best reader,” Trump asserted. “And everyone agrees — if I were in that world, I would be the greatest wizard. People say that. Even Dumbledore would’ve voted for me, if he weren’t canceled.”

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, when asked for comment, simply blinked slowly before stating, “We are not in a position to comment on… wizarding corrections infrastructure.”

Meanwhile, supporters of the president have already begun fundraising for the construction of “New Azkaban,” with proposed sites ranging from the Florida swamplands to a floating island off the coast of Texas. One proposed blueprint shows a large, obsidian fortress labeled “TRUMPKABAN” with gold trim and a statue of Trump holding a staff made from an American flagpole.

Republicans are calling on Democrats to retract years of speculation about the state of Donald and Melania Trump’s marriage after video footage surfaced showing the former president dozing off during Pope Francis’s funeral.

“This is definitive proof,” declared Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX). “He’s clearing sleeping right next to her!”

The footage, which shows Trump with his head nodding and eyes closed during the solemn ceremony, has been hailed by GOP members as irrefutable evidence of marital intimacy. “For years, the left claimed Melania had her own wing in the White House,” said Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA). “But this nap proves they’re as close as ever.”

Democrats, however, remain unconvinced. “Falling asleep at a funeral doesn’t mean you share a bed,” argued Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “It means you’re bored or tired—or both.”

Social media has erupted with memes and commentary, with hashtags like #SleepyDon trending worldwide. One user tweeted, “Trump finally lived up to his nickname for Biden. Who’s the sleepy one now?”

Melania Trump has not publicly commented on the incident, but sources say she was seen gently nudging her husband awake during the service. “It was a tender moment,” said an anonymous attendee. “She whispered something, and he jolted awake, muttering about fake news.”

As debates rage on about the implications of Trump’s nap, one thing is clear: in the world of politics, even a moment of shut-eye can become a battleground.

In what Pentagon officials are calling “an unhelpful but somehow completely on-brand incident,” Trump ally and White House “special military advisor” Pete Hegseth reportedly accidentally disclosed top secret U.S. military plans by writing them into the “Add Tip” section of a TGI Fridays receipt Sunday night.

According to eyewitnesses, Hegseth, who had allegedly consumed “no fewer than five” Double Berry Mojitos over a three-hour binge, attempted to leave a generous tip for his server. Instead, he carefully penciled in classified details about upcoming U.S. airstrikes on Houthi targets in Yemen, including times, coordinates, and a helpful doodle of what he thought a Houthi looked like (later confirmed to just be a very poorly drawn Garfield).

“He seemed really intense about it,” said server Kelsie Manning, 22, who described Hegseth muttering phrases like “precision payload delivery” and “maximum kinetic impact” while squinting at the tip line. “I thought maybe he was just calculating 20% in his head, but then he wrote ‘Launch Tomahawk strikes from USS Gravely at 0400Z.’ Honestly, I was just happy to get anything above 10%.”

After finishing the mojitos and a “full rack of signature Whiskey-Glazed Ribs,” Hegseth reportedly posed for selfies with several diners, left the receipt with the war plans still attached to the signed checkbook, and stumbled into the parking lot, loudly demanding to know “which way was Mecca so we can carpet bomb it.”

Fridays management initially thought the note was a prank. “We see a lot of weird stuff here,” said Assistant Manager Bob Caldwell. “Last week someone drew a penis in the tip line and wrote ‘blow me’ on the bottom of the receipt. We just assumed this was the same vibe, but you know… more Pentagon-y.”

By the time a busboy noticed phrases like “Strike package alpha” and “ROE escalation pre-authorized by DJT” scrawled in blue Bic pen, the receipt had already been posted to the restaurant’s TikTok account under the caption #FridaysFails. It garnered over 2 million views before being hastily deleted at the request of a “very sweaty man in a government SUV.”

Sources inside the White House said President Trump was “not worried” about the leak, calling it “a perfect receipt, maybe the best tip anyone’s ever left, frankly.” When pressed further, Trump added, “Pete’s just showing how generous we are with freedom. Very generous. Bigly airstrikes. Huge.”

Meanwhile, Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin has ordered an internal review of the Pentagon’s “Bring Your Secrets to Happy Hour” policy, which apparently was “never supposed to be a thing” but somehow got added to Trump’s 2025 executive orders under “things I thought sounded funny at the time.”

As for Hegseth, he issued a brief statement Monday morning:

“While I regret the confusion, I stand by my support for our military—and also for TGI Fridays’ bold flavor combinations. I hope my mistake doesn’t jeopardize ongoing operations, or my Platinum Rewards membership.”

No word yet if disciplinary action will be taken, though inside sources say Pete was last seen trying to pay for a Waffle House meal with a napkin that allegedly included sketches of future cyberwarfare tactics against Canada.

In a triumphant display of vague ambition and master-level PowerPoint transitions, the Democratic National Committee proudly announced a new 12-Point Plan to Announce a Plan to Begin Formulating a Strategy That Might Eventually Include a Plan to Stop Donald Trump and the GOP… someday.

The unveiling took place in a nearly full conference room at a Holiday Inn Express just outside Capitol Hill, where DNC Chair Jaime Harrison spoke confidently while standing beside a flowchart titled “Ideas for Future Flowcharts.”

“This is a historic moment for the Democratic Party,” said Harrison. “For too long we’ve been accused of having no clear plan. Well, no more! We now have a fully illustrated plan on how we might soon begin to plan.”

The 12 Points Include:

1. Form a Committee to Review Past Committees
2. Schedule a Listening Tour to Listen to The Results of Previous Listening Tours
3. Hire a Consultant to Advise on Which Consultants to Hire
4. Conduct a Survey to See If Surveys Are Still Cool
5. Email Donors About The Importance of This Plan (and ask for $17.42)
6. Hold a Unity Brunch Featuring 14 Kinds of Bagels
7. Announce a Working Group to Define “Working Group”
8. Leak a Draft of a Future Plan to Politico for “Buzz”
9. Tweet Vague Sentiments With Clapping Emojis
10. Wait for Trump to Implode (again) and hope it sticks this time
11. Release a Podcast That Breaks Down the Plan in 47 Weekly Episodes
12. Hold Emergency Meeting in 2026 to Rethink Strategy From Scratch

When asked whether the plan actually includes any action to stop Trump or the GOP’s sweeping policy proposals, one anonymous DNC aide chuckled nervously.

“Well, we considered adding a 13th step called ‘Do Something’ but the intern who suggested it was quietly escorted out,” they said.

Republicans responded swiftly, with Speaker Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeting, “LOLOL the Demoncrats are planning a plan to plan planning. Meanwhile I just declared war on wind turbines and Big M&M.”

Even moderate Democrats appeared confused. Senator Joe Manchin commented, “I haven’t seen this many steps since my Fitbit ran through a car wash.”

Despite the ridicule, Democrats remain hopeful. “This plan shows vision,” said Rep. Hakeem Jeffries. “We’re not just winging it—we’re scaffolding our winging it.”

Plans to release a follow-up 8-Point Plan to Review the Results of This Plan are expected next month, pending brunch availability.

Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a shocking but medically unconfirmed development, former President Donald J. Trump has announced that his neck-vagina—the long-suspected fleshy fold resting just above his collar—has entered active labor and will soon birth the 2024 Republican Vice Presidential nominee.

“For years, people mocked it. Said it looked like a vagina. Nasty people. Nasty!” Trump declared during a press conference held in a Bed Bath & Beyond that had already been converted into a MAGA Hat Outlet. “Well guess what? It was a vagina. A very powerful, very presidential one. And now it’s doing what most necks can’t—delivering leadership.”

The revelation comes amid rising concerns that current VP hopeful JD Vance is “too shelf-stable,” “not birchy enough,” and “lacking the prophetic charisma of a fleshy throat canal.” Trump’s aides say that while Vance was a “solid test balloon,” he lacks the ability to unite QAnon influencers and suburban wine moms under one placenta.

Medical professionals, after briefly reviewing high-res photos of Trump’s collar region, confirm what many on the internet had long speculated. “Honestly, we thought it was just aggressive spray tan runoff collecting in a fold,” said Dr. Sandra Klemper, a dermatologist and amateur political theorist. “But when it began pulsing and humming the national anthem, the truth became clear: that neck has a cervix.”

Preparations are underway. The labor room, code-named “Operation Liberty Canal,” is located inside a private suite at Mar-a-Lago outfitted with gold stirrups, diamond-encrusted forceps, and Mike Lindell whispering affirmations into the birth canal.

The neck-vagina is rumored to be crowning what Trump calls “a magnificent running mate, fully formed, already polling at 100% with people who matter.”

Names under consideration include:

• Ronald Rebirth Jr. – “Came out of me, so technically my son. Beautiful, strong jaw.”
• Freedomblossom McStranglehold – “Feminine but deadly. Like Ivanka, but born from truth.”
• Elon-gated Neckmusk – “He’s already there most days anyway. Might as well make it official.”
• Necklace P. Destiny – “Because it came from the neck. And from destiny. And I like the letter P.”

JD Vance was reportedly seen backing slowly into a hedge at Cracker Barrel. “If the President’s neck believes someone else is better, who am I to argue?” he said, before being devoured by a Bible-shaped shadow.

The baby Vice President is expected to emerge during sweeps week, or whenever Hannity calls it “fully dilated.” Trump promises a “beautiful, clean birth,” adding, “There will be no mess. Very tidy. Some say the cleanest neck-birth ever recorded.”

America watches. And prays. And questions everything they’ve ever known about anatomy, politics, and the durability of shirt collars.

More as this story leaks.

PALM BEACH, FL — In a press conference held outside his gold-plated Mar-a-Lago breakfast buffet, former President Donald Trump took the podium Thursday morning to reassure Americans that he remains profoundly connected to the daily struggles of the average voter.

“I’m very in touch. Maybe the most in touch. Some people say I’m the most in-touch person they’ve ever seen,” Trump said, waving a crumpled McDonald’s receipt he claimed was “proof” of his street cred. “And I know exactly how much a gallon of eggs costs. It’s… twelve, maybe fourteen dollars. Could be fifteen if they’re deluxe eggs. I buy the best eggs. Tremendous eggs. Gallons of them.”

Though aides nearby whispered urgently into earpieces and stared at the ground with the kind of focus usually reserved for hostages blinking Morse code, Trump continued undeterred.

“I’m just like you,” he said. “I shop at American stores—like Tiffany’s, Gucci, Costco when they let me. I understand hardship. I once had to fly commercial. It was terrible. People were coughing. I had to wear sunglasses.”

“Woke 401(k)s Are Overrated”

Addressing economic concerns, Trump pivoted seamlessly into his bold new vision for retirement: don’t.

“We’re liberating the American people from the shackles of woke retirement plans,” he announced. “Your 401(k)? Full of critical race theory. Your IRA? Probably identifies as non-binary. We’re dismantling it. You’re welcome.”

While financial experts scrambled to decode what, exactly, a “woke” retirement plan entails, Trump elaborated with his usual clarity.

“People don’t want safe investments anymore. They want freedom. We’re replacing your retirement accounts with exciting things. NFTs of bald eagles. Gold coins with my face on them. Real American stuff.”

According to Trump, “People are thanking me. Everywhere I go. They say, ‘Sir, thank you for destroying my Roth IRA. I hated saving. Now I just Venmo a guy named Kyle who promises to invest in solid American muscle cars.’”

“They Love Me in the Bread Aisle”

Asked by a reporter when he last visited a grocery store, Trump responded confidently, “I was just in one. Recently. They have lights, carts, some very nice freezers. I bought a block of milk, a bottle of bread, and a gallon of eggs. That’s how regular people shop, and I’m very regular.”

Despite persistent confusion, Trump remained upbeat.

“Americans are doing great. Better than ever. And I know because I talk to them. I talk to waiters, caddies, people with jobs. Real people. And they tell me, ‘Sir, please lower the minimum wage.’ And I say, ‘You’re welcome.’”

In a bold rebranding move, the United States has unveiled its new national tagline: “Stop Hitting Yourself.” This comes in the wake of President Donald Trump’s recent tariff implementations, which have left many Americans feeling like they’re in a one-sided playground scuffle—where they’re both the bully and the victim.

A Tariff-ic Strategy

President Trump, in his quest to make America great again (again), has introduced a series of tariffs that have economists scratching their heads and consumers clutching their wallets. The latest round includes a 25% tariff on imported cars and car parts, and additional duties on goods from countries like China, Canada, and Mexico. It’s a move that has been affectionately dubbed “Liberation Day,” presumably because Americans are being liberated from their disposable income.

Economic Gymnastics

These tariffs have led to some impressive economic gymnastics. The S&P 500 took a $1.7 trillion nosedive, with tech giants like Apple and Amazon leading the plunge. Meanwhile, the U.S. dollar is performing limbo, hitting a six-month low as fears of stagflation loom. It’s a financial rollercoaster that no one wanted to ride, but here we are, screaming all the way down.

Global Relations: It’s Complicated

Internationally, the U.S. is giving mixed signals. Allies like the EU, UK, and Japan are less than thrilled, with the European Commission preparing countermeasures. It’s the diplomatic equivalent of bringing a skunk to a garden party and wondering why no one wants to dance.

Domestic Discontent

Back home, the Senate is pushing back, with a resolution to block the tariffs on Canadian imports. Even some Republicans are joining the chorus, perhaps realizing that policies causing economic self-harm aren’t the best look heading into election season.

The Verdict

In summary, America’s new tagline reflects a nation at odds with itself, implementing policies that seem to do more harm than good. As we navigate this self-inflicted economic maze, one can only hope we find the exit before we bruise ourselves further.