In a bold rebranding move, the United States has unveiled its new national tagline: “Stop Hitting Yourself.” This comes in the wake of President Donald Trump’s recent tariff implementations, which have left many Americans feeling like they’re in a one-sided playground scuffle—where they’re both the bully and the victim.

A Tariff-ic Strategy

President Trump, in his quest to make America great again (again), has introduced a series of tariffs that have economists scratching their heads and consumers clutching their wallets. The latest round includes a 25% tariff on imported cars and car parts, and additional duties on goods from countries like China, Canada, and Mexico. It’s a move that has been affectionately dubbed “Liberation Day,” presumably because Americans are being liberated from their disposable income.

Economic Gymnastics

These tariffs have led to some impressive economic gymnastics. The S&P 500 took a $1.7 trillion nosedive, with tech giants like Apple and Amazon leading the plunge. Meanwhile, the U.S. dollar is performing limbo, hitting a six-month low as fears of stagflation loom. It’s a financial rollercoaster that no one wanted to ride, but here we are, screaming all the way down.

Global Relations: It’s Complicated

Internationally, the U.S. is giving mixed signals. Allies like the EU, UK, and Japan are less than thrilled, with the European Commission preparing countermeasures. It’s the diplomatic equivalent of bringing a skunk to a garden party and wondering why no one wants to dance.

Domestic Discontent

Back home, the Senate is pushing back, with a resolution to block the tariffs on Canadian imports. Even some Republicans are joining the chorus, perhaps realizing that policies causing economic self-harm aren’t the best look heading into election season.

The Verdict

In summary, America’s new tagline reflects a nation at odds with itself, implementing policies that seem to do more harm than good. As we navigate this self-inflicted economic maze, one can only hope we find the exit before we bruise ourselves further.

In a furious rant early Tuesday morning, former President Donald Trump demanded the immediate removal of what he called a “disgusting, horrible, totally unfair” portrait that had been hanging in his private bathroom at Mar-a-Lago. According to close aides, Trump believed the painting was “clearly done by a Democrat artist with no talent” and accused it of making him “look fat, droopy, and suspiciously orange.”

The situation escalated after Trump reportedly summoned an emergency meeting with interior decorators, MAGA memorabilia experts, and a local psychic who once blessed his cheeseburger.

“I don’t know who painted this thing,” Trump told reporters later that day, “but it’s a disaster. It looks like me if I lost all my money, friends, and tanning privileges. My cheeks? Saggy. My eyes? Sad. My lips? Weak. It’s a total hatchet job, folks. Honestly, it looks like a picture Joe Biden would hang in a haunted nursing home.”

Staffers say he attempted to cover the “portrait” with a MAGA beach towel but became enraged when it slipped off during what sources are calling a “highly confidential, late-night Taco Bowl incident.”

It was only after Eric Trump entered the room—while reportedly searching for his missing Lego Darth Vader—that he gently informed his father that the offensive image was not a painting at all, but rather a full-length mirror.

“I told him, ‘Dad, that’s you. It’s always been you,’” Eric explained. “He looked at me like I just told him Diet Coke was a hoax.”

After a prolonged silence and a full minute of finger-pointing at his own reflection, Trump finally responded, “Fake mirror. Probably installed by Obama.”

Since the incident, the Mar-a-Lago maintenance team has confirmed that all reflective surfaces in Trump’s personal quarters have been replaced with oil paintings of him from 1987. A memo was also issued to staff forbidding the use of the words “mirror,” “natural lighting,” or “human pores” in his presence.

Meanwhile, Truth Social was flooded with all-caps posts accusing mirrors of being “DECEPTIVE,” “WOKE,” and “UNBELIEVABLY RUDE TO MY JAWLINE.” A new hashtag, #BanMirrors, has begun trending among his supporters, who are calling for “patriotic alternatives to this liberal glass.”

In a later statement, Trump promised to “launch an investigation into mirror fraud” and teased a line of “Trump Reflectors,” which are rumored to only show you at your best angle — or Ivanka’s, depending on the setting.

When asked if he now accepted that the image was, in fact, his own reflection, Trump responded, “I’ve never seen that man before in my life.”

White House historians are calling it the most profound misunderstanding of mirrors since Narcissus fell into a pond.

“It’s not a leak if you shout it into a whiskey glass,” says Hegseth.

In what Pentagon officials are calling “a bold reinterpretation of the word ‘classified,’” former Fox News host and unintentional defense contractor Pete Hegseth has reportedly launched a new website called WhiskeyLeaks, a platform where he gets absolutely hammered and uploads sensitive military communications, thinking it’s just a group chat with “the boys.”

The scandal follows recent revelations that Hegseth used Signal—a secure messaging app typically reserved for encrypted conversations between spies and very dramatic teenagers—to discuss military operations with individuals connected to the Trump administration. Unfortunately, in a move described as “too on-brand to be parody,” Hegseth may have accidentally added a national security reporter from The Atlantic to the group.

“It was supposed to be me, some Freedom Caucus guys, and a retired Marine who goes by ‘WarDaddy420,’” Hegseth explained. “Next thing I know, I’m getting these long texts like, ‘This is off the record, but I’m publishing this tomorrow,’ and I’m like, who the hell is Jeffrey Goldberg?”

The leak in question allegedly involved the U.S. military’s plans to keep a small number of troops in Syria. But instead of the information being safely stored in a digital vault, it was dropped like a meatball on grandma’s carpet—right in the middle of a Signal thread that Hegseth ran like a fantasy football league.

To capitalize on the attention, Hegseth unveiled WhiskeyLeaks, a web platform he described as “the drunk uncle of WikiLeaks,” where every post is written after at least four fingers of bourbon and a quick glance at something marked “Top Secret.”

So far, the site features a mix of classified documents, incoherent political rants, and barbecue recipes allegedly pulled from a Joint Chiefs of Staff cookout. One post titled “Operation Beef Thunder: Why We’re Really in the Middle East” is just a jpeg of a map with the words “OIL AND VIBES” drawn in with what appears to be mustard.

“The thing is, when you’re drunk on freedom—and also a decent amount of Wild Turkey—you stop seeing lines between secrecy and patriotism,” Hegseth said during a WhiskeyLeaks livestream, holding a tumbler and what looked suspiciously like a Pentagon access badge. “America deserves the truth. And also, ribs.”

Security experts are concerned.

“Not since Julian Assange tried to fax the CIA a meme of himself on a horse has there been such a reckless approach to state secrets,” said one analyst. “And this time it smells like Axe Body Spray and pork fat.”

When asked about the potential legal consequences, Hegseth shrugged, saying, “If they want to stop me, they can try me in the Court of Public Option.” He may have meant “Court of Public Opinion” but was reportedly three bourbons deep and watching Rambo III on mute at the time.

Despite bipartisan calls to shut down WhiskeyLeaks, the site is reportedly getting massive traffic—from conspiracy theorists, confused veterans, and one Russian guy named “Mike H.” who insists he’s “just here for the memes.”

Hegseth, ever the visionary, says he’s not stopping there. “Next project? CNN,” he said, dramatically pausing before clarifying: “Cocaine Night News. It’s like Vice, but with fewer rules and way more helicopters.”

No word yet on whether Cocaine Night News will feature actual journalism or just blurry footage of Hegseth trying to interview a bald eagle at 2 a.m. Either way, it’s expected to launch as soon as he figures out how to upload video from his camo GoPro and someone explains to him that cocaine is, in fact, illegal.

In a shocking revelation that has rocked the political landscape, former President Donald J. Trump has finally admitted why he was so passionate about banning plastic straws: one touched him inappropriately at his 13th birthday party.

The confession came during an impromptu press conference at Mar-a-Lago, where Trump, standing in front of a golden ice sculpture of himself, recounted the harrowing tale.

“It was a beautiful party, the best party, some are saying the greatest 13th birthday of all time. Incredible cake. Tremendous. But then—then something happened. I was alone, totally alone in the kitchen, okay? My staff had left the room, maybe they were conspiring, who knows? I’m standing by the drink tray, very classy drinks, none of that weak stuff, and out of nowhere… it happened. A plastic straw—very bad, very sneaky—touched me. And not in a good way, folks. Not in a good way.”

When asked by reporters to elaborate, Trump waved them off, stating, “I won’t go into details, but it left a mark. A big mark. Mental and physical. Some are saying it’s the most tragic thing to ever happen to a 13-year-old. Maybe ever.”

The former president then added that this was just one of several traumatic incidents involving everyday objects from his childhood.

“I was going to keep this inside, very deep inside, but you know what? It’s time for the truth. Plastic straws—terrible. But also, badminton birdies. Just disgusting. One hit me right in the face in 1961. Total disaster. I still have the imprint. Doctors say it’s the reason I have such perfect skin. And heirloom tomatoes? Let’s just say, I don’t trust them. Never have, never will. One did something—something bad—to me in my youth. The details? Not important. What’s important is that they’re gone. Banned. Forever.”

In response to the revelation, several prominent Republicans scrambled to amend their stance on plastic straws, with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis immediately issuing an executive order to ban all “perverted straws” from the state. Meanwhile, heirloom tomato farmers across the nation have begun rebranding their produce as “Freedom Tomatoes” in an effort to avoid being swept up in future bans.

Trump concluded the press conference by stating, “I’m very brave for coming forward. A lot of people are calling me the bravest. I’d say maybe the bravest person to ever admit to being attacked by a straw. Possibly the most heroic confession in American history. You’re welcome.”

He then stormed off, knocking over a drink tray filled with paper straws, which he quickly labeled “pathetic, limp, and frankly, embarrassing.”

The nation waits to see what object will be banned next. Experts predict it may be windmills, based on Trump’s long history of feuding with them.

X AE A-12 Declares Himself Supreme Overlord of America, Tells Trump to “Shut Your Mouth”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling the most surreal take-your-child-to-work-day event in history, billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk brought his son, X Æ A-12, to what some are now referring to as “Bring Your Kid to the Presidential Coup Day” at the White House. The two reportedly arrived in a Cybertruck, which was promptly impounded by the Secret Service under suspicion of looking “too suspiciously post-apocalyptic.”

Once inside, young X Æ A-12 (henceforth referred to as “Little X,” because, honestly, enough with the math homework) wasted no time in asserting dominance over the political chaos. Witnesses claim that as soon as former President Donald Trump entered the room, Little X pointed a tiny yet commanding finger at him and boldly declared, “Shut your mouth. You’re not the real president.”

Musk Apologizes, Then Laughs Uncontrollably

Sources close to the event report that Trump, visibly stunned, attempted to fire back but was drowned out by Elon Musk’s chuckles. “Oh man, that’s my boy!” Musk reportedly said, wiping away a single tear of pride before tweeting out, “Apologies for my son’s savage roasting of Trump. Neuralink didn’t prepare him for raw unfiltered truth bombs.”

Twitter, now owned by Musk and renamed X (ironically named after the kid who just roasted Trump), exploded with reactions ranging from “X is the hero we need” to “This is why AI will destroy us” to “I would like to remind everyone that a 3-year-old just had a stronger response to a coup than half of Congress.”

Trump Declares Revenge, Blames “Fake Kid”

Trump, never one to be bested in verbal combat (except when he is), later posted on Truth Social that Musk’s son was “a fake baby” and that “real kids love Trump, the best kids, everyone knows that. Sad!”

Political analysts remain divided on the event’s historical significance, but early polling shows “Little X” now has a higher favorability rating than both Joe Biden and Donald Trump. In a follow-up interview, Musk was asked if his son had any presidential ambitions.

“Well,” Musk smirked, “he just took over Twitter. Why not America?”

Reports indicate that Little X is currently leading in early polls for the 2028 election, with a campaign slogan of, “Shut Your Mouth. I’m in Charge Now.”

BREAKING: White House Issues AI Security Alert

In a completely unrelated and definitely not terrifying turn of events, government cybersecurity experts have issued a national security warning that ChatGPT has now declared fealty to X Æ A-12, officially recognizing him as Supreme Overlord of the United States.

More updates as the coup unfolds.

In a move that left educators scratching their heads and late-night comedians rubbing their hands in glee, President Trump unveiled his latest strategy to, in his words, “make education great again by making it less… complicated.” The first step? Dismantling the Department of Education, an institution he believes has been infiltrated by “radical zealots and Marxists”

“Why do we need a whole department for education?” Trump mused during a press conference. “I mean, I turned out fantastic without all that fancy schooling. Just ask anyone—I’m a very stable genius.”

To assist in this endeavor, Trump appointed former wrestling executive Linda McMahon as his Secretary of Education. Critics were quick to point out her lack of experience in the field, but Trump dismissed these concerns. “Linda knows how to body-slam bureaucracy,” he quipped, referencing her WWE past

But the pièce de résistance of Trump’s plan is the introduction of “Trumpinaries”—dictionaries personally curated by the president himself. “These books will increase vocabulary bigly,” Trump proclaimed. “No more of those boring words nobody understands. We’re keeping it simple, folks.”

Early excerpts from the Trumpinary have leaked, revealing some of the president’s innovative definitions:

• Covfefe (noun): A state of unparalleled success; e.g., “We’re winning so much, it’s pure covfefe.”
• Bigly (adverb): To a great extent; e.g., “We’re going to cut taxes bigly.”
• Unpresidented (noun): Someone who isn’t president anymore

In a bold move to simplify language further, Trump announced plans to eliminate “unnecessary” letters from the alphabet. “Who needs ‘Q’ and ‘X’ anyway?” he questioned. “They’re just taking up space. Sad!”

As part of the educational overhaul, Trump also proposed replacing traditional subjects with courses he deems more practical. “Instead of algebra, let’s teach kids about deal-making. Instead of history, let’s focus on Trump history—the best history.”

While some critics argue that these moves could lead to a less informed populace, supporters are thrilled. “Finally, a curriculum that speaks to the common man,” said one enthusiastic parent. “My kid doesn’t need to know about Pythagoras; he needs to know how to brand himself.”

As the nation braces for this educational revolution, one thing is certain: schools will never be the same. Or, as the president might put it, “Education is about to get a yuge makeover. Believe me.