Saturday 26th April, 2025

Trump Asks If Colorado is One Of The States He Can Find On The Map

Former President Donald Trump found himself in the crosshairs of Colorado’s Supreme Court after learning that he had been disqualified from the state’s presidential primary ballot. The reason? Well, it turns out that even the mastermind behind the “You’re Fired!” catchphrase can’t always navigate the intricate terrain of the United States map.

Fresh off the news of his disqualification, Trump was seen furrowing his brow and scratching his head, wondering aloud if Colorado was one of the elusive 13 states he could confidently point out on a map. As reporters gathered around, cameras at the ready, the former Commander-in-Chief reportedly muttered, “Is it the one with the mountains or the one with the mile-high what-now?”

Trump confidently asserted that he could identify states such as New York, Florida, Northern Florida, California, Joe Mantegna, Texas(ish), the square one, and “one of the Washingtons”.

Undeterred by the news of his disqualification, Trump immediately convened a meeting with his legal team, hoping to find a sharpie solution to his cartographic crisis. Ever the innovator, he suggested, “Can we just draw over Colorado with a sharpie and call it ‘New Trumpian’ or maybe ‘Not-Colorado’? Problem solved!”

The Great Annual Mass Text Extravaganza: Millions Anticipate the ‘Merry Xmas’ from Family

In the magical land of smartphones and festive emojis, a heartwarming tradition has emerged, uniting families across the digital realm—the eagerly awaited “Merry Xmas” mass text. As the holiday season approaches, millions of family members brace themselves for the moment when their group chat pings, heralding the arrival of the cheerful, yet predictably generic, holiday greeting.

The Anticipation Begins:

It starts innocently enough. As soon as the first hint of frost graces the ground, families across the globe start glancing at their phones with anticipation. “Will it be a ‘Merry Christmas’ or the abbreviated ‘Xmas’ this year?” wonders Grandma, as she polishes her reading glasses in preparation for deciphering the microscopic emojis.

The Grand Unveiling:

Then, it happens. The notification chime echoes like a festive jingle bell, and there it is—the annual mass text from the family’s designated holiday messenger. This unsung hero, often a tech-savvy cousin or the aunt who just figured out how to send GIFs, takes on the noble responsibility of spreading joy to the masses with a single, thoughtful text.

Decoding the Emojis:

As family members rush to unlock their phones, they’re greeted by a cascade of well-wishing emojis. 🎄✨🎅 The Christmas tree, the sparkle of holiday magic, and jolly old Saint Nick—all compressed into a tiny screen. Grandpa, ever the emoji linguist, squints and declares, “Ah, I think that’s a snowman, not a Santa.”

Predictably Generic Messages:

The accompanying text is equally heartwarming in its predictability. “Wishing you all a Merry Xmas filled with love, joy, and too much food! 🎁🎉” The sentiment is touching, if not a tad familiar, but no one dares to mention the lack of personalization. It’s a family tradition, after all.

The Group Chat Grin:

Despite the predictability, family members can’t help but grin at their screens. There’s something oddly comforting about receiving the same mass text year after year. It’s like a digital version of a warm holiday hug—a bit generic, but undeniably filled with love.

Competing for the Best Response:

In the aftermath of the group text, a fierce competition ensues. Siblings and cousins scramble to come up with the most creative response, complete with festive GIFs, memes, and puns. The family group chat becomes a virtual battleground of holiday wit, with everyone vying for the title of the “Most Festive Responder.”

The Afterglow:

Once the initial excitement settles, family members bask in the afterglow of their annual digital reunion. Screenshots of the mass text flood social media, and hashtags like #MerryMassText and #FestiveFamGroupChat trend as people share the joy of their family’s holiday traditions.

So, as you eagerly await your own Merry Xmas mass text, remember that you’re not alone. Millions of families around the world are celebrating the holidays with a collective chuckle and a barrage of heart emojis. After all, in the digital age, what’s more festive than a mass text filled with love, laughter, and a sprinkle of virtual tinsel? 🎄✨📱

Kang the Conqueror Sentenced to Community Service: Attempts to Speed Clean with 400 Kangs Foiled by His Younger Self

Kang the Conqueror, the notorious time-traveling villain, has been handed a cosmic-sized sentence of 400 hours of community service for his laundry list of misdeeds, including kidnapping Avengers, obliterating Washington D.C., destroying his own kingdom, and being generally unpleasant. The judge, presumably tired of Kang’s grandiose theatrics, decided that instead of ruling entire timelines, he would rule the highway cleanup crew.

Assigned to pick up garbage on highways, Kang initially seemed unfazed, even attempting to streamline the process with a creative solution. However, his ingenious plan was thwarted by none other than his younger self, proving that even a conqueror can’t escape the long arm of temporal justice.

The Sentencing:

After being found guilty on multiple charges, Kang was handed the community service sentence as a way to give him a taste of humility. The judge stated, “Maybe cleaning up other people’s messes will teach you a thing or two about consequences, Kang.”

The conqueror used to bending time and reality to his will, was left speechless at the thought of picking up after mere mortals.

The Failed Kang Clean-Up Extravaganza:

In a bold attempt to expedite his sentence, Kang decided to employ 400 alternate versions of himself to clean up the highway in record time. His logic? If one Kang could conquer time, surely 400 Kangs could conquer a pile of garbage in an hour.

However, his grand plan quickly unraveled when his younger self caught wind of the scheme. Iron Lad, not willing to let his future self escape punishment so easily, promptly reported the attempt at temporal shortcutting to the authorities.

The Kang Snitch:

In a hilarious twist, Kang’s younger self became an unexpected hero in this time-twisted tale. Sporting a rebellious streak, Young Kang apparently took issue with the elder Kang’s attempt to fast-track his way through community service.

“He may be my Dad, but I’ll be darned if I let him conquer the garbage collection process!” proclaimed Iron Lad shaking his fist at the time-stream.

The Aftermath:

As a result of his failed shortcut and thanks to the tattletale actions of his younger self, Kang the Conqueror is now faced with the full 400 hours of manual highway cleanup. Witnessing the time-traveling villain wrestle with a trash bag has become the latest spectacle on social media, with memes circulating faster than Kang can jump through temporal portals.

In the end, it appears that even the most formidable conqueror is no match for the timeless concept of community service – a lesson that Kang the Conqueror is learning one discarded soda can at a time. As the Avengers and citizens of various timelines share a chuckle at Kang’s expense, the conqueror himself contemplates the consequences of his actions, one highway mile at a time.

The Weather Channel Renewed for Another Season of Weather

The Weather Channel has just been picked up for yet another season of everyone’s favorite show The Weather. Fans of the hit series were overjoyed to hear that their daily dose of meteorological excitement will continue, and the network is gearing up for a season that promises to be even stormier than the last.

It seems that the network’s unique blend of sunshine, rain, and occasional snow showers has captured the hearts of viewers worldwide.

Network executives were quick to highlight the key factors that led to the decision to renew the show. “We’ve analyzed the data, and it turns out that people really, really like to know what the weather is going to be like,” said Weather Channel spokesperson April Showers. “Who would have thought?”

The new season is set to introduce some exciting changes, including a dramatic increase in wind speed during hurricane coverage, and a special segment called “Travel Report”.

Social media has been buzzing with excitement since the announcement, with fans sharing their favorite weather-related moments from past seasons. Memorable highlights include the time a weather reporter was nearly blown away by a gust of wind during a live broadcast, and the unforgettable day when a rogue seagull stole the spotlight by photobombing the entire weather map.

In a press release, The Weather Channel expressed gratitude to its loyal audience. “We want to thank our viewers for sticking with us through rain or shine, blizzards or heatwaves,” the statement read. “Without you, we wouldn’t be here, bringing you the latest and greatest in all things weather-related.”

Rudy Giuliani Plans on Suing Himself To Cover Defamation Lawsuit Loss

In a shocking turn of events, former New York City mayor and avid courtroom enthusiast Rudy Giuliani finds himself in a legal quagmire of his own making. Reports have emerged that Giuliani is on the hook for a whopping $150 million in damages owed to two Georgia election workers, and his solution to cover the costs is nothing short of genius – he’s planning to sue himself.

Sources close to Giuliani reveal that he firmly believes he’s secretly hiding vast amounts of money from himself. In a press conference held in the cluttered office of his imaginary legal team (which consists mainly of a Magic 8-Ball and a framed photo of himself dressed as a pirate for Halloween), Giuliani outlined his master plan.

“Look, folks, I’ve always said I’m the best at lawsuits, and who better to sue than myself? I’ve got a hunch that I’m hiding mountains of cash from myself, and I’ll use the courts to force myself to find it. It’s a flawless strategy, really,” Giuliani declared with a confident twinkle in his eye.

Legal experts were quick to express their bewilderment at Giuliani’s unconventional approach, with one prominent attorney remarking, “I’ve seen a lot in my time, but this one takes the cake. It’s like watching a legal circus – and Giuliani is the ringleader in this absurd spectacle.”

The courtroom drama promises to be riveting, with Giuliani passionately cross-examining himself on the stand. Rumor has it that he plans to bring in surprise witnesses, including his pet parrot, a potted fern named Fernie, and a collection of his own Bobblehead dolls, each representing a different facet of his personality.

Giuliani seems undeterred by the skeptics, stating, “I know me better than anyone else, and I’m confident that I can get to the bottom of this. It’s just a matter of convincing myself to reveal where I’m hiding all that money – probably in the same place I keep my missing socks.”

As the legal community watches in astonishment, Giuliani vs. Giuliani is shaping up to be the legal battle of the century. Some are already calling it “The Trial of the Ego” or “Rudy’s Legal Odyssey.” Will Giuliani emerge victorious in his quest to force himself to pay $150 million in damages? Only time, and perhaps a psychiatric evaluation, will tell.

In the meantime, the public is left to marvel at the sheer audacity of Giuliani’s self-suing escapade, a legal maneuver that will undoubtedly go down in history as one of the quirkiest and most perplexing chapters in the annals of jurisprudence.

Trump’s Impeachment Envy: Worries Biden Might Out-Impeach Him

In an unexpected turn of events, former President Donald Trump recently expressed concerns that President Joe Biden might outshine him in the impeachment arena. Trump, who once considered impeachment his own version of a reality TV show, now frets that Biden could steal the limelight with even more impeachments.

“I had the best impeachments, folks, the best. Nobody does impeachments like me. They were tremendous, really tremendous,” Trump declared in a recent press conference. “But now, Sleepy Joe wants to take the stage, and I hear he’s got some big plans. Not on my watch!”

Trump went on to reminisce about the glory days of his impeachments, claiming they were the “biggest and classiest” impeachments in history. “I have photos, folks, beautiful photos showing that both of my impeachments were the largest ever. No one drew more attention to impeachment than I did. It was like a ratings bonanza.”

The former president, known for his love of superlatives, insisted that Biden’s potential impeachments would pale in comparison. “I had not one but two, count ’em, two impeachments. And they were both tremendous successes. I mean, who else can say that?”

In response to Trump’s concerns, Biden’s press secretary simply chuckled and stated, “President Biden is focused on running the country, not on scoring ratings for his impeachments.”

Only time will tell if Biden will follow in Trump’s footsteps or carve out his own unique presidential legacy. In the meantime, Trump seems determined to keep his impeachment record the stuff of political legend, one superlative at a time.

Girl Wishes Happy Birthday to 10-Year-Old Dating Profile Picture

“Happy birthday, my eternal wingman!” Sarah exclaimed, tapping her phone screen with glee. “You’ve been catfishing potential suitors for a decade, and you still have a few years to go!”

The charm of the photo worked wonders. Several dozen men had been captivated by its timeless allure, leading to first dates in dimly lit bars and cozy coffee shops. Sarah, with her penchant for humor and a dash of cheekiness, embraced the absurdity of it all.

Her previous photo, taken 15 years ago at a friend’s wedding where she shared the frame with 2 other friends, had less success as most men just assumed she was “the fat one”.

The Game Awards Changes Format to Advertisements Only in 2024

The 2024 Game Awards has officially changed format following this years debacle that upset viewers and developers alike. 

Geoff Keighley creator and producer of the Game Awards gave a statement earlier today announcing the new format. 

“We at the game awards take feedback seriously and so moving forward we will be changing our format to 5 hours of game announcements, we have decided that there’s just too much talking in the awards acceptance speeches so we’ll be sending out the list of winners and their comments via email after the 5 hours of advertisements we will bring you live in 2024.”

However conveniently left out of his statement which was later released via email is that you can Pre-Order the 2024 Game Awards now and it will come with 1 hour less of advertising and some pre-recorded acceptance speeches from winners and a special appearance by the Bill Clinton Rabbi Guy.

One other thing BROKEN NEWZ was able to gleam from the email is that during the 2024 broadcast you will be able to purchase less ads and more speeches live. A really small transaction live during the broadcast to enhance the performance of the broadcast and make it more enjoyable, instead of just including it. 

Insiders with the Game Awards say don’t worry though, they are working on patches right now to make the 2023 Game Awards more enjoyable for all.

Leather Jacket Files for Divorce from Todd Howard

Todd Howard and his Leather Jacket have filed for divorce after 5 years of marriage

The Leather Jacket cited “irreconcilable differences” as the cause for divorce, according to documents obtained by BROKEN NEWZ that were filed with Montgomery County Court on December 11th. There was no date of separation listed.

Leather Jacket is seeking Leather Conditioner Support and has also requested the court terminate Todd’s ability to receive Leather Support Wear. 

BROKEN NEWZ has reached out to Howard for comment but the game executive is not making any statements at this time. 

The Leather Jacket is on record stating, “Our relationship has become entirely co-dependent, I can no longer go on supporting Todd when he makes statements such as “Starfield is like Skyrim in Space” I’ve devoted hours to Starfield and Todd but his statements are categorically false!” 

The pair married in June 2018 and share one closet. The pair met when Todd decided he needed to appear more cool on stage, a point of contention for Leather Jacket. “When Todd and I met he made it seem like this was going to be a partnership but for years I just feel like I’ve been used to make him feel better about himself, it’s time I start living for me and shouldering my own responsibilities instead of beefing up Todd’s” 

Todd Howard’s estimated net worth is $9 Million, according to Maryland law he’ll have to split that with Leather Jacket making Leather Jacket the richest leather garment in the United States. Which leaves all eyes on Jensen Huang of NVIDIA with an estimated worth of $38.3 Billion and his Leather Jacket.

New Poll Shows DeSantis, Haley, Ramaswamy, and Christie All Equally Boring In Debate

A recent poll has revealed that the recent Republican debate in Alabama was a battle of the yawns, as Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, former United Nations Ambassador Nikki Haley, biotech entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy, and former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie were all equally boring. It seems the only thing they debated successfully was who could put the audience to sleep faster.

The Drowsiness Decathlon:

While political debates are often expected to be riveting spectacles of charisma and wit, last night’s event felt more like a contest to see who could discuss policy with the enthusiasm of a sloth on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

In the “Drowsiness Decathlon,” each candidate showcased their remarkable ability to make even the most exciting topics sound like a lullaby. From economic policies to healthcare reform, it was a race to the bottom in terms of audience engagement.

DeSantis’ Dull Disposition:

Gov. Ron DeSantis, known for his stoic demeanor and serious approach, managed to turn every question into an opportunity to showcase his monotone speaking skills. Rumor has it that a few members of the audience attempted to count sheep during his responses, only to find themselves nodding off instead.

Haley’s Lullaby Language:

Nikki Haley, the former United Nations Ambassador, brought her diplomatic skills to the stage by diplomatically avoiding any semblance of excitement. Her measured tone and careful choice of words left viewers wondering if they accidentally stumbled into a foreign policy lecture.

Ramaswamy’s Biotech Lullaby:

Vivek Ramaswamy, the biotech entrepreneur, brought a whole new meaning to the term “biological clock” as his responses seemed to operate on a molecular level, putting spectators’ attention spans into a deep slumber. Some audience members reported having dreams about DNA structures mid-debate.

Christie’s Calm Coma:

Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, notorious for his larger-than-life personality, seemed to have traded his charisma for a comatose demeanor. His attempts at humor fell flatter than a pancake, leaving viewers desperately searching for any signs of life.

The Aftermath:

As the dust settles from the yawn-inducing showdown, voters are left wondering if any of these candidates have what it takes to keep the nation awake during a four-year term. The race for the presidency is certainly heating up, but last night’s debate made it clear that these candidates might need to invest in some caffeinated speeches if they want to keep the audience awake for the next round.

In a surprising twist, the real winner of the debate was a local coffee shop, which reported a sudden surge in business from audience members desperately seeking a jolt of energy to counteract the soporific effects of the candidates’ speeches. As the campaign trail continues, only time will tell if any of these contenders can shake off the “Most Boring” title and inject some excitement into the race. Until then, voters may need to stock up on extra-strong espresso just to make it through the next debate without dozing off.