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Girl Wishes Happy Birthday to 10-Year-Old Dating Profile Picture

“Happy birthday, my eternal wingman!” Sarah exclaimed, tapping her phone screen with glee. “You’ve been catfishing potential suitors for a decade, and you still have a few years to go!”

The charm of the photo worked wonders. Several dozen men had been captivated by its timeless allure, leading to first dates in dimly lit bars and cozy coffee shops. Sarah, with her penchant for humor and a dash of cheekiness, embraced the absurdity of it all.

Her previous photo, taken 15 years ago at a friend’s wedding where she shared the frame with 2 other friends, had less success as most men just assumed she was “the fat one”.

The Game Awards Changes Format to Advertisements Only in 2024

The 2024 Game Awards has officially changed format following this years debacle that upset viewers and developers alike. 

Geoff Keighley creator and producer of the Game Awards gave a statement earlier today announcing the new format. 

“We at the game awards take feedback seriously and so moving forward we will be changing our format to 5 hours of game announcements, we have decided that there’s just too much talking in the awards acceptance speeches so we’ll be sending out the list of winners and their comments via email after the 5 hours of advertisements we will bring you live in 2024.”

However conveniently left out of his statement which was later released via email is that you can Pre-Order the 2024 Game Awards now and it will come with 1 hour less of advertising and some pre-recorded acceptance speeches from winners and a special appearance by the Bill Clinton Rabbi Guy.

One other thing BROKEN NEWZ was able to gleam from the email is that during the 2024 broadcast you will be able to purchase less ads and more speeches live. A really small transaction live during the broadcast to enhance the performance of the broadcast and make it more enjoyable, instead of just including it. 

Insiders with the Game Awards say don’t worry though, they are working on patches right now to make the 2023 Game Awards more enjoyable for all.

Leather Jacket Files for Divorce from Todd Howard

Todd Howard and his Leather Jacket have filed for divorce after 5 years of marriage

The Leather Jacket cited “irreconcilable differences” as the cause for divorce, according to documents obtained by BROKEN NEWZ that were filed with Montgomery County Court on December 11th. There was no date of separation listed.

Leather Jacket is seeking Leather Conditioner Support and has also requested the court terminate Todd’s ability to receive Leather Support Wear. 

BROKEN NEWZ has reached out to Howard for comment but the game executive is not making any statements at this time. 

The Leather Jacket is on record stating, “Our relationship has become entirely co-dependent, I can no longer go on supporting Todd when he makes statements such as “Starfield is like Skyrim in Space” I’ve devoted hours to Starfield and Todd but his statements are categorically false!” 

The pair married in June 2018 and share one closet. The pair met when Todd decided he needed to appear more cool on stage, a point of contention for Leather Jacket. “When Todd and I met he made it seem like this was going to be a partnership but for years I just feel like I’ve been used to make him feel better about himself, it’s time I start living for me and shouldering my own responsibilities instead of beefing up Todd’s” 

Todd Howard’s estimated net worth is $9 Million, according to Maryland law he’ll have to split that with Leather Jacket making Leather Jacket the richest leather garment in the United States. Which leaves all eyes on Jensen Huang of NVIDIA with an estimated worth of $38.3 Billion and his Leather Jacket.

New Poll Shows DeSantis, Haley, Ramaswamy, and Christie All Equally Boring In Debate

A recent poll has revealed that the recent Republican debate in Alabama was a battle of the yawns, as Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, former United Nations Ambassador Nikki Haley, biotech entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy, and former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie were all equally boring. It seems the only thing they debated successfully was who could put the audience to sleep faster.

The Drowsiness Decathlon:

While political debates are often expected to be riveting spectacles of charisma and wit, last night’s event felt more like a contest to see who could discuss policy with the enthusiasm of a sloth on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

In the “Drowsiness Decathlon,” each candidate showcased their remarkable ability to make even the most exciting topics sound like a lullaby. From economic policies to healthcare reform, it was a race to the bottom in terms of audience engagement.

DeSantis’ Dull Disposition:

Gov. Ron DeSantis, known for his stoic demeanor and serious approach, managed to turn every question into an opportunity to showcase his monotone speaking skills. Rumor has it that a few members of the audience attempted to count sheep during his responses, only to find themselves nodding off instead.

Haley’s Lullaby Language:

Nikki Haley, the former United Nations Ambassador, brought her diplomatic skills to the stage by diplomatically avoiding any semblance of excitement. Her measured tone and careful choice of words left viewers wondering if they accidentally stumbled into a foreign policy lecture.

Ramaswamy’s Biotech Lullaby:

Vivek Ramaswamy, the biotech entrepreneur, brought a whole new meaning to the term “biological clock” as his responses seemed to operate on a molecular level, putting spectators’ attention spans into a deep slumber. Some audience members reported having dreams about DNA structures mid-debate.

Christie’s Calm Coma:

Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, notorious for his larger-than-life personality, seemed to have traded his charisma for a comatose demeanor. His attempts at humor fell flatter than a pancake, leaving viewers desperately searching for any signs of life.

The Aftermath:

As the dust settles from the yawn-inducing showdown, voters are left wondering if any of these candidates have what it takes to keep the nation awake during a four-year term. The race for the presidency is certainly heating up, but last night’s debate made it clear that these candidates might need to invest in some caffeinated speeches if they want to keep the audience awake for the next round.

In a surprising twist, the real winner of the debate was a local coffee shop, which reported a sudden surge in business from audience members desperately seeking a jolt of energy to counteract the soporific effects of the candidates’ speeches. As the campaign trail continues, only time will tell if any of these contenders can shake off the “Most Boring” title and inject some excitement into the race. Until then, voters may need to stock up on extra-strong espresso just to make it through the next debate without dozing off.

Tesla’s Cybertruck Named Official Vehicle for The End of The World

The wait is finally over! Tesla started making deliveries of its long-awaited Cybertruck last week to a small audience inside an underground bunker at their Austin, TX headquarters. Although it’s been 4 years since the unveiling of the Cybertruck, much has changed with the vehicle and the landscape of America. With doomsday approaching, Cyberpreppers are queuing up in small numbers to get their own Cybertruck before the bottom falls out.

While many felt this was an excruciating delay, others heralded it as the boldest and most brilliant marketing move that maverick owner and chief tweeter Elon Musk has made thus far. The Tesla Cybertruck will be the go-to vehicle for the coming apocalypse, said Elon Musk on his coveted platform X. One thing is clear about the Cybertruck: the avant-garde vehicle, draped in bulletproof stainless steel and glass, is poised to become a sanctuary on wheels as it cruises through the unpredictable terrain of what some anticipate will be a bullet-riddled, post-apocalyptic America.

Head Cybertruck engineer and Teslavangelist Richard Butt stated, “We understand that time is of the essence. The Cybertruck isn’t just a vehicle; it’s a statement—a statement that even in the face of impending doom, style and innovation prevail.”

The Cybertruck will come in three packages. The base model, starting at “You can’t afford this, why are you even entertaining it?” will include a single motor, a 50-caliber machine gun turret, and a whopping 320-mile range. The most advanced package, nicknamed the “Omega Package,” will offer an optional flamethrower, grenade launcher, and flashbang package so you can escape the hordes of whatever is left in the wasteland after we destroy our country in 2024.

Whether the Cybertruck is merely a genius marketing move ahead of our impending doom or gearing up to be the symbol of survival and transportation in a shattered world broken by the darkness that envelops us all is yet to be seen, but we eagerly await what is yet to come. So, as the Cybertruck hits the streets well ahead of schedule, it invites the question: Is this an ordinary vehicle launch, or is it a calculated response to a world on the brink? Buckle up because the ride just got a whole lot more interesting, and the Cybertruck is leading the charge into the chaos that lies ahead.

Mike Johnson Says Blurred Faces Will Make It Easier For Republicans To Masturbate To Jan 6 Footage

House Leader Mike Johnson has proposed an unconventional idea to make January 6 riot footage more palatable for Republicans. In a recent press conference, Johnson declared that blurring faces on the infamous footage would make it easier for GOP members to, well, enjoy the scenes without feeling conflicted.

The Louisiana congressman, known for his outside-the-box thinking, confidently stated, “We’ve been struggling with how to handle this sensitive material. I mean, Republicans want to appreciate the chaos, but it’s hard to do that when you’re torn between political allegiance and, you know, personal enjoyment. So, I thought, why not blur the faces? Problem solved!”

Johnson’s proposal has left political analysts scratching their heads, wondering if this is a stroke of genius or just another absurd attempt to divert attention from more pressing issues. After all, who would have thought that pixelated faces could be the key to unlocking a wave of GOP enthusiasm for the riot footage?

“It’s a win-win situation,” Johnson continued with a mischievous grin. “Republicans get to relish the excitement of the insurrection without the guilt, and Democrats get to keep their footage. It’s like a political compromise we can all get behind!”

The proposal has garnered mixed reactions from both sides of the aisle. Some Republicans are embracing the idea, hailing Johnson as a visionary, while Democrats are struggling to comprehend how blurring faces magically transforms the severity of the events that transpired on that fateful day.

Social media has, predictably, erupted with a blend of confusion and humor. Memes featuring pixelated rioters with exaggerated facial expressions are making the rounds, poking fun at the absurdity of the suggestion. One popular meme even depicts Johnson holding a giant pixelation tool, blurring out everything from his colleagues’ faces to the Capitol itself.

Critics argue that Johnson’s proposal trivializes the seriousness of the January 6 attack and underscores the need for a more responsible approach to addressing the events. However, it seems the congressman is intent on turning this suggestion into a viral sensation, undeterred by the eye-rolling and facepalms he’s receiving from his peers.

Only time will tell if blurring faces on the Jan 6 footage becomes the next big trend in GOP circles or if it fades into the realm of bizarre political proposals. In the meantime, America waits with bated breath, wondering what groundbreaking idea House Leader Mike Johnson will come up with next.

Trump Claims He Is Immuned To The Laws Of Physics

Former President Donald Trump has declared that he has transcended the laws of physics and is now officially immune to the constraints of the physical world. In a press conference that left journalists scratching their heads, Trump confidently announced, “I am no longer bound by the laws of physics. I’m like a superhero, folks. Call me ‘The Invisible Executive’!”

Trump explained that he can now make himself invisible at will. “It’s tremendous, the best superpower. I’ve always said, I have the best superpowers, nobody else has superpowers like mine,” he declared while doing an impressive disappearing act behind a large podium.

Republicans were quick to respond “We’ve always suspected he’s been living in a different reality. Now, it seems, he’s created his own parallel universe where he’s the invisible master leader.” Meanwhile, many Democrats shared their disbelief, muttering something about the laws of thermodynamics.

House Leader Mike Johnson, a staunch Trump supporter, argued that the only way to settle the matter was through a formal House vote. “If he’s truly invisible, then we need to see it for ourselves. It’s the only way to uphold the principles of transparency and accountability in our great democracy,” Johnson asserted, holding a magnifying glass up to emphasize his point.

Meanwhile, Trump continued to bask in the glory of his supposed superpower, taking to social media to boast about his invisibility and taunt his political rivals. “Sleepy Joe can’t even see me now! It’s like I never left. #InvisibleExecutive #SuperTrump,” he tweeted.

As the nation awaits the outcome of the House vote, political analysts are left pondering whether this is the next evolution of Trump’s political career or just another episode in the surreal sitcom that is American politics. One thing is for certain – the laws of physics may be uncertain, but the laws of political theater remain as entertaining as ever.

George Santos Happy He Can Spend More Time On Things Like Family, Cooking, and Federal Prison

In a surprising turn of events, George Santos, the recently expelled congressman, is thrilled about his newfound freedom from the shackles of Capitol Hill. While most politicians would be devastated by such a setback, Santos has embraced the opportunity to focus on more important things in life—like family, cooking, and, of course, the impending federal prison sentence.

In an exclusive interview, Santos revealed, “I always thought those congressional debates were just a warm-up for the real challenge—whipping up a gourmet meal in a prison cell. Who needs C-SPAN when you can have a cooking show in the big house?”

Santos, known for his charisma on the campaign trail, now plans to channel that charm into becoming the Gordon Ramsay of the prison kitchen. “I’ve been practicing my ‘idiot sandwich’ routine for months,” he joked, referring to one of Ramsay’s famous outbursts. “It’s all about finding the right balance between bipartisan cooperation and adding just the right amount of spice to the political pot.”

When asked about his family, Santos beamed with pride. “I never had time for them when I was in Congress. Now, I can be the daddy I always wanted to be—the one who’s home for dinner every night, even if it’s just a tray of prison cafeteria mystery meat.”

In a bizarre twist, Santos has already started drafting a cookbook titled “Cooking Behind Bars: Recipes for the Politically Incorrect Palate.” The book promises a unique blend of family-friendly recipes and survival tips for navigating the ins and outs of federal prison life.

“I want to show the world that even if you’ve been expelled from Congress, life can still be a feast of possibilities,” Santos declared, holding up a makeshift kitchen apron made from his old campaign banners.

While many are scratching their heads at Santos’ unconventional response to his expulsion, he remains undeterred. “They say when one door closes, another one opens. In my case, that door is steel, and it’s clanging shut behind me as I enter the world of culinary chaos and federal fun. Bon appétit, America!”

Henry Kissinger Taken Back To How Hot And Flamey Heaven Is

In a surprising turn of celestial events, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was taken aback upon his arrival in heaven to find it not quite the pearly gates and fluffy clouds he had envisioned. Instead, he was welcomed by a rather toasty atmosphere, with celestial flames flickering in the distance.

Reports suggest that Kissinger, famous for his diplomatic prowess and international relations expertise, initially assumed it was just a warm reception committee. However, as the heat intensified, he couldn’t help but quip, “I’ve negotiated peace in the Cold War, but I didn’t sign up for heavenly heat!”

Unfazed by the unexpected climate, Kissinger soon discovered that heaven had undergone some renovations. The once tranquil paradise had transformed into a sizzling hot spot, complete with heavenly BBQs and eternal bonfires. It turns out that after millennia of sitting around on clouds, the angels decided to spice things up a bit.

“I always thought heaven would be a bit more chill,” Kissinger remarked, dabbing his forehead with a celestial handkerchief. “But hey, at least it’s a dry heat.”

Despite the initial shock, Kissinger found solace in the fact that many of his old friends and colleagues were there to welcome him. The heavenly reunion turned into a grand diplomatic gathering, with figures from history and politics sharing stories and reminiscing about the good old earthly days.

“I never expected to see Mao and Nixon bonding over celestial marshmallows,” Kissinger chuckled, observing the unexpected camaraderie among the diverse heavenly inhabitants.

As the heavenly flames roared in the background, Kissinger reunited with familiar faces like Richard Nixon,

“Heaven may be a bit hotter than anticipated, but the company is unbeatable,” Kissinger admitted, raising a cosmic cocktail in a toast to newfound friendships. “Who knew eternity came with a side of eternal summer?”

And so, in this unexpected twist of fate, Henry Kissinger learned that sometimes heaven is not about the weather but the warmth of the relationships you cultivate – even if it comes with a celestial sunburn.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Say Biden Did Nothing to Stop Dinosaur Extinction

Washington, DC – Marjorie Taylor Greene today denounced the Biden Administration for having done nothing to avert the extinction of the dinosaurs. Senator Mitch McConnell, of Kentucky, ranking member on the Senate Dinosaur Extinction Oversight Panel, says that the Biden Administration came into office with no clear plan for dealing with nuclear-winter-causing giant meteors.

“The lack of a clearly defined giant reptilian extinction policy is just scandalous,” said Senator McConnell at a press conference this morning. “Even at this late date, there is still no unified and well thought out policy concerning dinosaur extinction emanating from the White House.”

Robert C. O’Brien, National Security Advisor under former President Trump, says that the Trump Administration handed over to the Biden Administration in 2021 not only the most ethical administration in the history of the country but also a complete and fully functioning dinosaur extinction policy.

“The Biden Administration really dropped the ball on this one,” said Greene yesterday on CBS’s Face the Nation. “If President Biden had followed our plan there would be brontosauruses swimming in the Potomac today. But the Biden Administration seems obsessed with the so-called “Actions to Strengthen America’s Supply Chains, Lower Costs for Families, and Secure Key Sectors.”

Speaking on ABC’s Good Morning America earlier today, Vice President Harris defended the Biden Administration’s record. “There are plenty of dinosaurs roaming the streets. All you have to do is take a peek in the Cloak Room in the Senate.”