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Tesla’s Cybertruck Named Official Vehicle for The End of The World

Robert Odom on December 6, 2023

The wait is finally over! Tesla started making deliveries of its long-awaited Cybertruck last week to a small audience inside an underground bunker at their Austin, TX headquarters. Although it’s been 4 years since the unveiling of the Cybertruck, much has changed with the vehicle and the landscape of America. With doomsday approaching, Cyberpreppers are queuing up in small numbers to get their own Cybertruck before the bottom falls out.

While many felt this was an excruciating delay, others heralded it as the boldest and most brilliant marketing move that maverick owner and chief tweeter Elon Musk has made thus far. The Tesla Cybertruck will be the go-to vehicle for the coming apocalypse, said Elon Musk on his coveted platform X. One thing is clear about the Cybertruck: the avant-garde vehicle, draped in bulletproof stainless steel and glass, is poised to become a sanctuary on wheels as it cruises through the unpredictable terrain of what some anticipate will be a bullet-riddled, post-apocalyptic America.

Head Cybertruck engineer and Teslavangelist Richard Butt stated, “We understand that time is of the essence. The Cybertruck isn’t just a vehicle; it’s a statement—a statement that even in the face of impending doom, style and innovation prevail.”

The Cybertruck will come in three packages. The base model, starting at “You can’t afford this, why are you even entertaining it?” will include a single motor, a 50-caliber machine gun turret, and a whopping 320-mile range. The most advanced package, nicknamed the “Omega Package,” will offer an optional flamethrower, grenade launcher, and flashbang package so you can escape the hordes of whatever is left in the wasteland after we destroy our country in 2024.

Whether the Cybertruck is merely a genius marketing move ahead of our impending doom or gearing up to be the symbol of survival and transportation in a shattered world broken by the darkness that envelops us all is yet to be seen, but we eagerly await what is yet to come. So, as the Cybertruck hits the streets well ahead of schedule, it invites the question: Is this an ordinary vehicle launch, or is it a calculated response to a world on the brink? Buckle up because the ride just got a whole lot more interesting, and the Cybertruck is leading the charge into the chaos that lies ahead.

Mike Johnson Says Blurred Faces Will Make It Easier For Republicans To Masturbate To Jan 6 Footage

Steve Tanner on December 6, 2023

House Leader Mike Johnson has proposed an unconventional idea to make January 6 riot footage more palatable for Republicans. In a recent press conference, Johnson declared that blurring faces on the infamous footage would make it easier for GOP members to, well, enjoy the scenes without feeling conflicted.

The Louisiana congressman, known for his outside-the-box thinking, confidently stated, “We’ve been struggling with how to handle this sensitive material. I mean, Republicans want to appreciate the chaos, but it’s hard to do that when you’re torn between political allegiance and, you know, personal enjoyment. So, I thought, why not blur the faces? Problem solved!”

Johnson’s proposal has left political analysts scratching their heads, wondering if this is a stroke of genius or just another absurd attempt to divert attention from more pressing issues. After all, who would have thought that pixelated faces could be the key to unlocking a wave of GOP enthusiasm for the riot footage?

“It’s a win-win situation,” Johnson continued with a mischievous grin. “Republicans get to relish the excitement of the insurrection without the guilt, and Democrats get to keep their footage. It’s like a political compromise we can all get behind!”

The proposal has garnered mixed reactions from both sides of the aisle. Some Republicans are embracing the idea, hailing Johnson as a visionary, while Democrats are struggling to comprehend how blurring faces magically transforms the severity of the events that transpired on that fateful day.

Social media has, predictably, erupted with a blend of confusion and humor. Memes featuring pixelated rioters with exaggerated facial expressions are making the rounds, poking fun at the absurdity of the suggestion. One popular meme even depicts Johnson holding a giant pixelation tool, blurring out everything from his colleagues’ faces to the Capitol itself.

Critics argue that Johnson’s proposal trivializes the seriousness of the January 6 attack and underscores the need for a more responsible approach to addressing the events. However, it seems the congressman is intent on turning this suggestion into a viral sensation, undeterred by the eye-rolling and facepalms he’s receiving from his peers.

Only time will tell if blurring faces on the Jan 6 footage becomes the next big trend in GOP circles or if it fades into the realm of bizarre political proposals. In the meantime, America waits with bated breath, wondering what groundbreaking idea House Leader Mike Johnson will come up with next.

Trump Claims He Is Immuned To The Laws Of Physics

Steve Tanner on December 4, 2023

Former President Donald Trump has declared that he has transcended the laws of physics and is now officially immune to the constraints of the physical world. In a press conference that left journalists scratching their heads, Trump confidently announced, “I am no longer bound by the laws of physics. I’m like a superhero, folks. Call me ‘The Invisible Executive’!”

Trump explained that he can now make himself invisible at will. “It’s tremendous, the best superpower. I’ve always said, I have the best superpowers, nobody else has superpowers like mine,” he declared while doing an impressive disappearing act behind a large podium.

Republicans were quick to respond “We’ve always suspected he’s been living in a different reality. Now, it seems, he’s created his own parallel universe where he’s the invisible master leader.” Meanwhile, many Democrats shared their disbelief, muttering something about the laws of thermodynamics.

House Leader Mike Johnson, a staunch Trump supporter, argued that the only way to settle the matter was through a formal House vote. “If he’s truly invisible, then we need to see it for ourselves. It’s the only way to uphold the principles of transparency and accountability in our great democracy,” Johnson asserted, holding a magnifying glass up to emphasize his point.

Meanwhile, Trump continued to bask in the glory of his supposed superpower, taking to social media to boast about his invisibility and taunt his political rivals. “Sleepy Joe can’t even see me now! It’s like I never left. #InvisibleExecutive #SuperTrump,” he tweeted.

As the nation awaits the outcome of the House vote, political analysts are left pondering whether this is the next evolution of Trump’s political career or just another episode in the surreal sitcom that is American politics. One thing is for certain – the laws of physics may be uncertain, but the laws of political theater remain as entertaining as ever.

George Santos Happy He Can Spend More Time On Things Like Family, Cooking, and Federal Prison

Steve Tanner on December 1, 2023

In a surprising turn of events, George Santos, the recently expelled congressman, is thrilled about his newfound freedom from the shackles of Capitol Hill. While most politicians would be devastated by such a setback, Santos has embraced the opportunity to focus on more important things in life—like family, cooking, and, of course, the impending federal prison sentence.

In an exclusive interview, Santos revealed, “I always thought those congressional debates were just a warm-up for the real challenge—whipping up a gourmet meal in a prison cell. Who needs C-SPAN when you can have a cooking show in the big house?”

Santos, known for his charisma on the campaign trail, now plans to channel that charm into becoming the Gordon Ramsay of the prison kitchen. “I’ve been practicing my ‘idiot sandwich’ routine for months,” he joked, referring to one of Ramsay’s famous outbursts. “It’s all about finding the right balance between bipartisan cooperation and adding just the right amount of spice to the political pot.”

When asked about his family, Santos beamed with pride. “I never had time for them when I was in Congress. Now, I can be the daddy I always wanted to be—the one who’s home for dinner every night, even if it’s just a tray of prison cafeteria mystery meat.”

In a bizarre twist, Santos has already started drafting a cookbook titled “Cooking Behind Bars: Recipes for the Politically Incorrect Palate.” The book promises a unique blend of family-friendly recipes and survival tips for navigating the ins and outs of federal prison life.

“I want to show the world that even if you’ve been expelled from Congress, life can still be a feast of possibilities,” Santos declared, holding up a makeshift kitchen apron made from his old campaign banners.

While many are scratching their heads at Santos’ unconventional response to his expulsion, he remains undeterred. “They say when one door closes, another one opens. In my case, that door is steel, and it’s clanging shut behind me as I enter the world of culinary chaos and federal fun. Bon appétit, America!”

Henry Kissinger Taken Back To How Hot And Flamey Heaven Is

Steve Tanner on November 30, 2023

In a surprising turn of celestial events, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was taken aback upon his arrival in heaven to find it not quite the pearly gates and fluffy clouds he had envisioned. Instead, he was welcomed by a rather toasty atmosphere, with celestial flames flickering in the distance.

Reports suggest that Kissinger, famous for his diplomatic prowess and international relations expertise, initially assumed it was just a warm reception committee. However, as the heat intensified, he couldn’t help but quip, “I’ve negotiated peace in the Cold War, but I didn’t sign up for heavenly heat!”

Unfazed by the unexpected climate, Kissinger soon discovered that heaven had undergone some renovations. The once tranquil paradise had transformed into a sizzling hot spot, complete with heavenly BBQs and eternal bonfires. It turns out that after millennia of sitting around on clouds, the angels decided to spice things up a bit.

“I always thought heaven would be a bit more chill,” Kissinger remarked, dabbing his forehead with a celestial handkerchief. “But hey, at least it’s a dry heat.”

Despite the initial shock, Kissinger found solace in the fact that many of his old friends and colleagues were there to welcome him. The heavenly reunion turned into a grand diplomatic gathering, with figures from history and politics sharing stories and reminiscing about the good old earthly days.

“I never expected to see Mao and Nixon bonding over celestial marshmallows,” Kissinger chuckled, observing the unexpected camaraderie among the diverse heavenly inhabitants.

As the heavenly flames roared in the background, Kissinger reunited with familiar faces like Richard Nixon,

“Heaven may be a bit hotter than anticipated, but the company is unbeatable,” Kissinger admitted, raising a cosmic cocktail in a toast to newfound friendships. “Who knew eternity came with a side of eternal summer?”

And so, in this unexpected twist of fate, Henry Kissinger learned that sometimes heaven is not about the weather but the warmth of the relationships you cultivate – even if it comes with a celestial sunburn.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Say Biden Did Nothing to Stop Dinosaur Extinction

Steve Tanner on November 29, 2023

Washington, DC – Marjorie Taylor Greene today denounced the Biden Administration for having done nothing to avert the extinction of the dinosaurs. Senator Mitch McConnell, of Kentucky, ranking member on the Senate Dinosaur Extinction Oversight Panel, says that the Biden Administration came into office with no clear plan for dealing with nuclear-winter-causing giant meteors.

“The lack of a clearly defined giant reptilian extinction policy is just scandalous,” said Senator McConnell at a press conference this morning. “Even at this late date, there is still no unified and well thought out policy concerning dinosaur extinction emanating from the White House.”

Robert C. O’Brien, National Security Advisor under former President Trump, says that the Trump Administration handed over to the Biden Administration in 2021 not only the most ethical administration in the history of the country but also a complete and fully functioning dinosaur extinction policy.

“The Biden Administration really dropped the ball on this one,” said Greene yesterday on CBS’s Face the Nation. “If President Biden had followed our plan there would be brontosauruses swimming in the Potomac today. But the Biden Administration seems obsessed with the so-called “Actions to Strengthen America’s Supply Chains, Lower Costs for Families, and Secure Key Sectors.”

Speaking on ABC’s Good Morning America earlier today, Vice President Harris defended the Biden Administration’s record. “There are plenty of dinosaurs roaming the streets. All you have to do is take a peek in the Cloak Room in the Senate.”

World Glances Up From Phones, Shrugs, and Resumes Scrolling

Steve Tanner on November 29, 2023

In a surprising turn of events today, the entire world collectively tore its gaze away from its beloved screens, only to be met with an underwhelming reality that left many unimpressed. It was a momentous occasion that sparked a global ‘meh’ heard ’round the world.

People from every corner of the globe paused, their eyes collectively lifting from their screens like a synchronized smartphone ballet. Birds chirped, a gentle breeze rustled leaves, and for a brief moment, the world experienced the novel sensation of unfiltered reality.

Expectations were high. But after a quick inhale of the state of the world, it was time to resume a much tamer world online.

The Underwhelming Spectacle

As the world gazed upwards with a sense of eager anticipation, what met their eyes was war, anger, starvation, Kardashians. It was as if God took another giant shit on our big blue marble.

In an unspoken agreement, the world let out a collective sigh, followed by an audible chorus of disappointment. “Is that it?” muttered Dave Peters from San Francisco, who had momentarily stopped scrolling through cat memes. “I was expecting, I don’t know, at least a UFO or a a decent reboot of something.”

With a synchronized shrug, the world collectively looked back down at its phones, returning to the infinitely more captivating realms of social media, endless scrolling, and the pursuit of the next viral sensation. It seemed the momentary break from screens had left many yearning for the comfort of digital distractions.

Conclusion: The Day the Sky Couldn’t Compete

In the end, it appears the world’s brief hiatus from screens was a momentary blip in the cosmic timeline. The universe’s attempt to captivate its audience fell flat, leaving humanity to wonder if the celestial show was canceled or simply postponed for a more convenient time.

As the world collectively returned to its digital sanctuary, one thing became abundantly clear: when it comes to entertainment, the universe has a lot to learn from the captivating allure of social media. Maybe next time, cosmos, maybe next time.

Thousands Boast Plan To Save Money By Not Paying Bills While Not Having A Job

Steve Tanner on November 29, 2023

In a world where financial wizardry meets unemployment chic, a growing trend is taking the internet by storm. Thousands of people are proudly announcing their master plan to save hundreds of dollars every month by boldly not paying their bills. Who needs a job when you can be a budgeting maverick, right?

The “Not-a-Bill-Payer” Movement

Move over, financial gurus and budgeting experts; there’s a new breed of economic strategists in town, and they’re thriving on the edge of insolvency. The “Not-a-Bill-Payer” movement is sweeping social media, with self-proclaimed fiscal renegades proudly sharing their money-saving exploits.

Unemployed and Unimpressed

“I used to work hard for my money, but then I realized I could work hard at not working hard and save even more!” declares Jenny, a self-appointed financial guru who has not paid her utilities for three months straight. “Who needs electricity when you can light your room with the glow of your unpaid bills?”

The Art of Bill Jenga

Participants in this financial revolution have turned bill-dodging into an art form. From playing “Bill Jenga” to see how long they can stack up unpaid invoices without consequences to hosting online competitions for the most creative excuses to give creditors, these individuals are rewriting the rules of fiscal responsibility.

The Power of Manifesting Debt Freedom

Advocates of the movement firmly believe in the power of manifesting debt freedom. “If you believe hard enough that you don’t owe money, the universe will conspire to make it true,” says Mark, who hasn’t paid his rent in four months and attributes his eviction notice to a simple cosmic misunderstanding.

Budgeting Bingo: Dodging Bills Edition

As a nod to their commitment, some enthusiasts have introduced a Budgeting Bingo card, featuring squares like “Ignored Call from Creditors,” “Used ‘The Check’s in the Mail’ Excuse,” and “Pretended to Be Asleep When the Landlord Knocked.”

Living the #BudgetlessLife

The movement even has its own hashtag, #BudgetlessLife, where participants proudly flaunt their frugal escapades. From sharing tips on how to avoid collection calls to brainstorming creative ways to make ramen noodles a gourmet experience, this online community is as vibrant as it is debt-ridden.

Unemployment Olympics: Who Can Save the Most?

In the spirit of friendly competition, some members have initiated the “Unemployment Olympics,” where participants vie for the title of “Most Unemployed and Still Surviving.” Categories include “Best Excuse for Not Paying Rent” and “Longest Time Without a Job and Loving It.”

Conclusion: The Unemployed Philosopher’s Guide to Thriftiness

While financial advisors may raise eyebrows at this unconventional approach to budgeting, the “Not-a-Bill-Payer” movement is undeniably carving out its niche in the world of fiscal eccentricity. As the trend continues to gain momentum, one thing is clear: these budgeting pioneers are proving that sometimes the most creative financial strategies come from those who dare to question the status quo – even if it means questioning the necessity of paying bills altogether. After all, who needs credit when you can have the sheer audacity of financial rebellion? Welcome to the revolution of the #BudgetlessLife!

Broken Newz Returns After 18 Year Nap

Steve Tanner on November 27, 2023

Broken Newz right before it went on a long map

In the ever-evolving landscape of online satire, there’s a familiar name making headlines once again. After a prolonged hiatus, Broken Newz has emerged from the depths of internet history, ready to reclaim its throne as a pioneer in the world of satire news. Founded in 2001, Broken Newz quickly became a prominent player in the satire genre, blending humor with a keen eye for societal absurdities. Now, in 2023, the mastermind behind it all, Bill Doty, has dusted off his satirical pen and is set to tackle the present news with the same wit and irreverence that made Broken Newz a household name.

A Humorous Genesis

Back in the early 2000s, the internet was a wild west of creativity, and Broken Newz was at the forefront of the digital revolution. Founded by Bill Doty in 2001, the website swiftly carved out its niche by delivering satirical news that walked the fine line between hilarious and thought-provoking. The platform became a staple for those seeking a comedic take on current events.

The Ascension and Sale

As Broken Newz gained popularity, it didn’t take long for the platform to catch the attention of media enthusiasts. In 2007, during the height of its success, Broken Newz was sold, marking the end of an era for Doty and his brainchild. The sale allowed Doty to transition into the world of film and television, where he continued to channel his creative energies.

The Relaunch: Breaking New Ground

Now, in 2023, Broken Newz is back with a vengeance. Bill Doty, the visionary behind the satire juggernaut, has returned to the helm, bringing his unique blend of humor and insight to a new generation of readers. The relaunched Broken Newz promises to tackle contemporary issues with the same biting satire that made it a favorite in the early days of online comedy.

Navigating the Present News Landscape

In an era dominated by rapidly evolving news cycles and ever-shifting societal landscapes, Broken Newz aims to provide a comedic lens through which to view the world. Doty’s return signifies not just a revival of a website but a reinvigoration of a genre that has become increasingly essential in navigating the complexities of the modern information age.

Joining the Laughter: What to Expect

As Broken Newz makes its triumphant return, readers can anticipate a fresh take on today’s news, with Doty’s signature style guiding the narrative. The platform’s relaunch is a testament to the enduring appeal of satire and the indomitable spirit of its creator.

Conclusion: A Satirical Resurgence

In the ever-changing landscape of digital media, Broken Newz stands as a testament to the enduring power of satire. Bill Doty’s return to the helm marks a new chapter for the platform, one that promises to inject humor and insight into the pressing issues of today. As readers eagerly await the next headline, Broken Newz once again takes its place in the spotlight, proving that some things are just too good to stay in the archives of internet history. Welcome back, Broken Newz – the world has been eagerly awaiting your humorous insights!