Ex First Lady Melania Trump has officially declared her support for legalized abortion—but with a catch.

Standing in front of a dramatically oversized portrait of herself in her signature “I don’t really sleep with my husband, do u?” jacket, Melania addressed a small gathering of loyal fans and bewildered reporters at her Florida home, Mar-a-Lago, this past Tuesday.

“For too long, I have stayed silent,” she began, pausing for dramatic effect, as if savoring her moment in the spotlight. “But no more. Today, I announce my support for legalized abortion—under one condition. It should only apply to any porn star my husband might accidentally impregnate during his, how you say, extracurricular activities.”

The room fell into stunned silence, punctuated only by the sound of a bewildered Fox News correspondent dropping his microphone.

Melania continued, seemingly unbothered by the shock her words had induced. “It’s important that we protect the freedom of choice,” she said, “specifically the choice to clean up my husband’s… ‘mistakes.’ After all, these women are professionals, just like my husband claims to be when negotiating deals or, apparently, phone numbers.”

Legal experts have already begun to analyze what this bold new policy could mean for American reproductive rights. Some speculate it could form the basis of a new law dubbed the “Stormy Clause,” a reference to adult film star Stormy Daniels, who famously alleged an affair with Donald Trump in the mid-2000s. Others fear this might lead to a slippery slope where abortion rights are only afforded to “the most well-documented mistresses,” leaving the rest of the country’s women to fend for themselves.

Supporters of Melania’s stance are calling it “pro-life with a loophole.” A growing chorus of conservatives is already hailing her as a “champion of moral compromise.”

“She’s truly thinking outside the box—or at least outside the prenup,” said one Melania supporter, who asked to remain anonymous while hawking “Make Abortions Great Again” hats on eBay.

In typical fashion, former President Donald Trump took to Truth Social to offer his own unique brand of congratulations to his wife.

“Melania, CLASSY move. Some of the best ideas ever come from the women who stand behind me—sometimes in front but usually behind! Incredible woman, incredible timing, great legs! MAGA!”

Critics of the proposal, including feminist groups and almost every woman not married to Donald Trump, are condemning it as both absurd and terrifyingly specific. Planned Parenthood issued a brief statement, saying, “While we appreciate any discussion about reproductive rights, this is not quite what we had in mind.”

In her closing remarks, Melania offered a piece of advice to any future First Ladies who might face similar marital… situations. “When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade,” she said, with a faint smile. “When life gives your husband hush money scandals, you make policy.”

One thing is clear: Melania Trump has found her cause. Whether it will catch on with the broader public remains to be seen, but if nothing else, she’s certainly shaken things up. As one attendee put it: “If you thought 2024 was going to be boring, think again.”

J.D. Vance’s vice presidential campaign team has reportedly decided to substitute Vance with a puppet for the upcoming debate against Tim Walz. The decision, sources say, is aimed at making Vance appear “more relatable and human.”

“We’ve tried everything,” said an anonymous campaign insider. “Coaching, empathy training, even forcing him to binge-watch Ted Lasso. But somehow, voters still say Vance comes off a little too…well, robotic. So, we thought, why not lean into it? Nothing says ‘I’m a real boy’ like an actual puppet.”

The puppet, designed by a team of former Jim Henson workshop employees, is said to have a softer, more approachable demeanor than the human Vance. “We wanted a puppet that exudes warmth and charm but also can recite fiscal policy on command,” said one strategist. “Basically, it’s J.D., but with soul.”

Sources report that the puppet, named “J.D. Junior,” will have realistic human features, except for the visible strings and a permanent smile — a stark contrast to the real Vance, whose default expression has been described by some as “Midwest stoic” and by others as “the look of a man who just remembered he left the stove on.”

“The puppet’s a hit in focus groups,” said the campaign’s lead puppeteer, who is also in charge of making J.D. Junior nod at appropriate moments. “When we tested the puppet against clips of the real Vance, it wasn’t even close. The puppet scored higher on likability, relatability, and, oddly enough, knowledge of the Constitution.”

The idea of using a puppet in political debates is unprecedented, but the Vance campaign is hopeful. “At first we thought this was crazy,” admitted one aide. “But then we realized, we’re living in a world where politicians already act like puppets half the time. Why not make it official?”

Rumors have circulated that the puppet will also be programmed to deliver one-liners and dad jokes to counter Walz’s poised rhetoric. “We’re hoping to get some laughs,” the campaign manager said. “J.D. Junior is designed to blink adorably whenever Kamala says something too serious. And he’s got this little shrug that says, ‘Hey, I’m just a guy trying my best!’ It’s relatable. It’s disarming.”

While critics are skeptical about the move, some say the puppet might be an improvement over the real Vance. “Look, if J.D. can pull this off, he’s a genius,” said one political commentator. “And if he can’t, well, the puppet will at least make great GIFs.”

As for J.D. Vance himself, he’s reportedly fine with the arrangement. “If it helps me win,” he said, “I’m all in. Plus, the puppet version of me never needs to go to the bathroom, so that’s a plus for long debates.”

The world will be watching on Tuesday to see if J.D. Junior can charm the electorate — or at the very least, make fewer awkward pauses than the original model.

Senator J.D. Vance has announced that henceforth, he will only deliver his campaign speeches while hiding behind bushes. The decision, Vance explained at a press conference (from behind a row of expertly trimmed hedges), is part of an effort to “come off as less creepy” to the American public.

“Look, I’m a reasonable guy,” Vance said, his disembodied voice carrying from the shrubs. “I know my appearance can be, let’s say, unsettling to some people. I get it—there’s something about the way I stare unblinkingly into the souls of my constituents. So why not just remove myself from sight? What better way to do that than with foliage?”

Leaves of Change

The strategy, dubbed “Operation Hide and Speak,” is already in full swing. Campaign staff have been instructed to plant decorative bushes at every town hall, fundraiser, and diner Vance visits. Early prototypes included a pair of geraniums and some ferns, but Vance quickly gravitated toward denser shrubbery like boxwoods and junipers for “maximum concealment.”

Political experts are divided on the move. “It’s unconventional, but it may actually work,” said Mary Greenfield, a political consultant. “When people don’t have to see his face, they might focus more on his words—though, unfortunately, that could make things worse.”

Criticism from Opponents

Vance’s political opponents, however, have seized the opportunity to poke fun. “J.D. Vance hiding behind bushes? That’s the most relatable thing he’s ever done,” quipped one Ohio politician. “At least now, he’s showing us exactly where his policies are coming from—deep within a bush of nonsense.”

The Great Debate: Fern or Foliage?

Insiders close to the Vance campaign say there has been considerable debate over which specific plants to use in different situations. For formal speeches, dense evergreens provide optimal coverage, while town halls will feature “a more approachable hedge,” likely a low-maintenance variety of holly. “We’re even considering some potted palms for campaign stops in warmer states,” a campaign aide said. “Nothing too tropical, though—he doesn’t want to look out of place. Just a man and his bush, trying to connect with the people.”

The strategy is already showing results. Polls indicate that Ohio residents are “marginally less creeped out” by Vance’s presence behind greenery. “He’s still a little weird,” said one voter at a recent rally, squinting into the underbrush, “but at least I don’t have to stare directly at him.”

Bush-Based Solutions

For his part, Vance remains optimistic. “Look, America is a divided country,” he said, briefly poking his head out from a forsythia bush before retreating back in. “Some of us are scared of creepy stares; some of us are scared of Washington elites. I’m offering a third option: be scared of a politician hiding in a bush. It’s progress.”

As the elections approach, one thing is clear—whether lurking behind a ficus or buried in the branches of a spruce, J.D. Vance is committed to running his campaign from the shadows. Quite literally.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has declared a “State of Emergency” for his rapidly sinking poll numbers. The announcement came during a hastily organized press conference in front of a deflating “DeSantis 2024” banner, where the governor reassured the public that his administration is fully prepared to “combat the poll disaster with the same vigor we handle hurricanes, and by that, I mean we’ll definitely need FEMA’s help.”

With a straight face, DeSantis outlined his emergency plan. “We are deploying every available resource: yard signs, Twitter bots, and a new round of commercials showing me yelling at Disney World employees. This is a code red situation. We can’t let the American people think I’m losing to, well, anyone.”

State Resources Activated

The governor confirmed that all hands are on deck. The Florida National Guard has been put on standby, ready to hand out Ron DeSantis bumper stickers at Walmart parking lots statewide. “In case of a further dip, we may resort to extreme measures, like showing me in cowboy boots wrestling an alligator, or maybe just…smiling,” DeSantis said, with a brief look of terror at the thought.

Additionally, FEMA (the Florida Emergency Media Advisors) has been tasked with controlling the “optics crisis” by editing footage of DeSantis’ recent speeches, splicing in clips of crowds from popular rock concerts to give the illusion of enthusiastic support.

Response from the Campaign

Inside sources report that the DeSantis campaign is working around the clock to “stabilize the situation.” One staffer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, “We’re launching our new ‘Keep Florida Ron’ campaign, which consists of us convincing Floridians that Florida itself will fall into the ocean if DeSantis isn’t elected. It’s our most ambitious fearmongering yet.”

In a bold PR strategy, DeSantis’ campaign has also partnered with Elon Musk to create a pollster-free zone on Twitter (recently rebranded as “X”). Musk expressed full support for the governor, stating, “I’ve already blocked all mentions of the words ‘polls,’ ‘approval,’ and ‘Trump’ from trending. I mean, what even is a poll if you’re living in a simulation?”

Competitors React

The news of DeSantis’ poll-based emergency has sparked responses from his Republican rivals. Former President Donald Trump, whose poll numbers remain strong, took to Truth Social to say, “Weak numbers from Ron DeSanctus! Sad! His numbers are lower than his energy. He needs me, believe me!” Trump also hinted at sending relief efforts, including pallets of his “Trump 2024” hats, in what experts call “a friendly act of trolling.”

Nikki Haley, meanwhile, responded with a tweet: “Ron, I told you to stick to attacking woke school curriculums, not Mickey Mouse! #RookieMistake.”

Governor Holds Firm

DeSantis ended the press conference with optimism, claiming, “We’ve seen storms like this before in Florida. Polls come and go, but what really matters is that I’m still on Fox News a lot.” He then boarded a helicopter, destined to survey the political damage from Tallahassee to Mar-a-Lago, while urging Floridians to “stay safe, and keep polling in my favor.”

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has allegedly hired a crack team of street hypnotists to perform the ultimate act of political magic: making voters forget he ever ran for president.

Sources close to the RFK Jr. campaign (a guy named Steve with a trench coat and too much cologne) say that since Kennedy has been unsuccessful in trying to remove himself from several ballots, it’s come to this.

Enter The Enforcers of Amnesia, a group of self-proclaimed “hypnotic artisans” who normally perform at birthday parties, Renaissance fairs, and sketchy magic conventions. But now, they have a new mission: stand on street corners in swing states and whisper soft incantations to passerby like, “You never saw his name on the ballot… You feel the urge to vote for someone with more vowels in their name… Also, maybe go vegan?”

“I was just walking my dog when this guy with a top hat told me to look into his pocket watch,” said one confused voter in Ohio. “Next thing I know, I’m not sure if I’m voting for president or taking a nap.”

The plan, while odd, seems to be working in unexpected ways. Polls show a sharp increase in voters scratching their heads at voting booths and muttering, “Wait, who’s running again? I thought we were still debating if Ross Perot was coming back.”

Some have criticized the move as undemocratic, while others find it oddly refreshing. “Honestly, I’d rather forget most of these candidates anyway,” said one voter in Florida. “If someone’s gonna wave a shiny object in front of my face and tell me to forget the election ever happened, I might just consider it a favor.”

When reached for comment, the RFK Jr. campaign denied any involvement with hypnotism. “We would never stoop to such tactics,” said a spokesperson while conspicuously fiddling with a deck of playing cards and murmuring something about ‘deep sleep.’ “But if anyone did forget about RFK Jr.’s campaign, well… that’s probably for the best.”

As election day approaches, reports of citizens gazing blankly into mirrors and mumbling “RFK… RF-what?” are spreading. Meanwhile, the nation’s top street hypnotists have never been busier. Coincidence? Hypnotists everywhere hope you won’t remember to find out.