A federal judge ruled to unseal hundreds of court documents from a lawsuit related to deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein on Wednesday. Those documents include over 150 names deriving from a civil lawsuit against Ghislaine Maxwell, who was sentenced last year to 20 years in prison on sex trafficking and other charges for helping Epstein sexually abuse teenage girls.

Just hours before being released, the documents were found dead in a cell with a book marker around its neck.

When the court clerk discovered the documents unresponsive, they said, “We’re going to be in a lot of trouble,” according to the report.

Investigators are looking for any shred of evidence of foul place. So far they haven’t found sheet.

Leaked this week were Donald J. Trump’s burial plans. In the leaked documents it shows a monument of “Huge Proportions” to be erected following the death of Donald Trump. It was detailed that the Monument will be made of solid gold and bear the likeness of Donald Trump and his family kneeling before him. 

Also laid out in the documents are the plans for an ornate sarcophagus and underground tomb where Donald will be laid to rest. Donald wishes it to be “A Tomb the likes of which no one has seen” it calls for a massive wall to be built and paid for by Mexico and in very tiny handwriting at the bottom the plans call for Melania to be sacrificed and laid to rest at the feet of Donald within his sarcophagus. 
However a contingency plan has been made in case Melania dies or divorces Donald before his death. In the event of Melania not being available for human sacrifice and burial upon Donald’s death a world beauty pageant will be held with contestants from the Eastern Bloc only and no older than 26 years old. The winner will be crowned and summarily executed and placed at his feet. 

Donald, not being a fond lover of words, has ordered that pictures telling  stories of his many accomplishments line the walls of his tomb, telling the future world of his great deeds while alive. The Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Shuttle, Trump University and the Donald J. Trump Foundation just a small number of his accomplishments to be pictured on the walls of his tomb. Next to the tomb will be a vault, where Donald plans to store all of his earthly possessions and available cash at the time of death, however the dimensions of the vault appears to only amount to about 25 square feet.  

What does seem to be lacking from the plans is the location for the future monument/tomb combo but many believe that it will be placed adjacent to the 18th hole at Mar-a-Lago. So visitors can try to make the trick shot into the monument and win a free game at the end of their round.

Former President Donald Trump found himself in the crosshairs of Colorado’s Supreme Court after learning that he had been disqualified from the state’s presidential primary ballot. The reason? Well, it turns out that even the mastermind behind the “You’re Fired!” catchphrase can’t always navigate the intricate terrain of the United States map.

Fresh off the news of his disqualification, Trump was seen furrowing his brow and scratching his head, wondering aloud if Colorado was one of the elusive 13 states he could confidently point out on a map. As reporters gathered around, cameras at the ready, the former Commander-in-Chief reportedly muttered, “Is it the one with the mountains or the one with the mile-high what-now?”

Trump confidently asserted that he could identify states such as New York, Florida, Northern Florida, California, Joe Mantegna, Texas(ish), the square one, and “one of the Washingtons”.

Undeterred by the news of his disqualification, Trump immediately convened a meeting with his legal team, hoping to find a sharpie solution to his cartographic crisis. Ever the innovator, he suggested, “Can we just draw over Colorado with a sharpie and call it ‘New Trumpian’ or maybe ‘Not-Colorado’? Problem solved!”

In a shocking turn of events, former New York City mayor and avid courtroom enthusiast Rudy Giuliani finds himself in a legal quagmire of his own making. Reports have emerged that Giuliani is on the hook for a whopping $150 million in damages owed to two Georgia election workers, and his solution to cover the costs is nothing short of genius – he’s planning to sue himself.

Sources close to Giuliani reveal that he firmly believes he’s secretly hiding vast amounts of money from himself. In a press conference held in the cluttered office of his imaginary legal team (which consists mainly of a Magic 8-Ball and a framed photo of himself dressed as a pirate for Halloween), Giuliani outlined his master plan.

“Look, folks, I’ve always said I’m the best at lawsuits, and who better to sue than myself? I’ve got a hunch that I’m hiding mountains of cash from myself, and I’ll use the courts to force myself to find it. It’s a flawless strategy, really,” Giuliani declared with a confident twinkle in his eye.

Legal experts were quick to express their bewilderment at Giuliani’s unconventional approach, with one prominent attorney remarking, “I’ve seen a lot in my time, but this one takes the cake. It’s like watching a legal circus – and Giuliani is the ringleader in this absurd spectacle.”

The courtroom drama promises to be riveting, with Giuliani passionately cross-examining himself on the stand. Rumor has it that he plans to bring in surprise witnesses, including his pet parrot, a potted fern named Fernie, and a collection of his own Bobblehead dolls, each representing a different facet of his personality.

Giuliani seems undeterred by the skeptics, stating, “I know me better than anyone else, and I’m confident that I can get to the bottom of this. It’s just a matter of convincing myself to reveal where I’m hiding all that money – probably in the same place I keep my missing socks.”

As the legal community watches in astonishment, Giuliani vs. Giuliani is shaping up to be the legal battle of the century. Some are already calling it “The Trial of the Ego” or “Rudy’s Legal Odyssey.” Will Giuliani emerge victorious in his quest to force himself to pay $150 million in damages? Only time, and perhaps a psychiatric evaluation, will tell.

In the meantime, the public is left to marvel at the sheer audacity of Giuliani’s self-suing escapade, a legal maneuver that will undoubtedly go down in history as one of the quirkiest and most perplexing chapters in the annals of jurisprudence.

In an unexpected turn of events, former President Donald Trump recently expressed concerns that President Joe Biden might outshine him in the impeachment arena. Trump, who once considered impeachment his own version of a reality TV show, now frets that Biden could steal the limelight with even more impeachments.

“I had the best impeachments, folks, the best. Nobody does impeachments like me. They were tremendous, really tremendous,” Trump declared in a recent press conference. “But now, Sleepy Joe wants to take the stage, and I hear he’s got some big plans. Not on my watch!”

Trump went on to reminisce about the glory days of his impeachments, claiming they were the “biggest and classiest” impeachments in history. “I have photos, folks, beautiful photos showing that both of my impeachments were the largest ever. No one drew more attention to impeachment than I did. It was like a ratings bonanza.”

The former president, known for his love of superlatives, insisted that Biden’s potential impeachments would pale in comparison. “I had not one but two, count ’em, two impeachments. And they were both tremendous successes. I mean, who else can say that?”

In response to Trump’s concerns, Biden’s press secretary simply chuckled and stated, “President Biden is focused on running the country, not on scoring ratings for his impeachments.”

Only time will tell if Biden will follow in Trump’s footsteps or carve out his own unique presidential legacy. In the meantime, Trump seems determined to keep his impeachment record the stuff of political legend, one superlative at a time.