In what many are calling his most creative endeavor yet, Donald Trump Jr. has taken to TikTok with an unexpected and highly controversial new series of videos. Titled Neighborhood Nom Noms, the series aims to teach Americans how to cook delicious, homey meals using stray cats and dogs “liberated” from local yards, alleyways, and, in...
Category: Politics
RFK Jr. Hires Elite Street Hypnotists to Erase His Name from the Presidential Ballot
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has allegedly hired a crack team of street hypnotists to perform the ultimate act of political magic: making voters forget he ever ran for president. Sources close to the RFK Jr. campaign (a guy named Steve with a trench coat and too much cologne) say that since Kennedy has been unsuccessful...
Georgia Governor Signs Controversial ‘Fetal Self-Defense’ Bill into Law
Atlanta, GA — In a move that has left both lawmakers and citizens scratching their heads, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp signed into law the “Fetal Self-Defense Act” yesterday afternoon. The legislation mandates that all pregnant women equip their unborn children with concealed weapons “to protect against potential threats,” a move proponents say will deter abortion...
J.D. Vance Claims He Has Plenty Of Time to Think Policy as He Eats Lunch Alone Daily on the Campaign Trail
Somewhere in Ohio— As the campaign trail blazes on, there is one man who finds himself with an abundance of time to ponder the future—a future that includes, in his wildest dreams, the vice presidency of the United States. That man is J.D. Vance, the best-selling author, senator, and Hillbilly Elegy scribe, who has found...
Trump Declares Insanity Defense: “I’m Crazy, So Let Me Go!”
Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a move that has left legal experts scrambling for words, former President Donald Trump held a press conference today to declare that all charges against him should be dropped on the grounds of “absolute and total insanity.” Flanked by his legal team, who appeared to be alternating between nervous sweating and...
Democrats Unveil Bold Plan to Win Back the South by 2076: “We’re in No Rush,” Says DNC
In a stunning display of long-term planning, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) today announced an ambitious strategy to reclaim the South by the year 2076. “We’ve been playing the long game,” said a DNC spokesperson, “and we’re confident that by the time America celebrates its tricentennial, we’ll have made significant inroads.” The plan, which includes...
Trump’s Arlington Cemetery Photo Op Cut Short as 400,000 Veterans Turn Over In Their Graves
Arlington, VA — In an event that will surely go down in history as one of the most surreal and controversial moments of the 2024 campaign trail, former President Donald Trump’s attempt to commemorate the third anniversary of the tragic attack in Afghanistan was abruptly interrupted by an unexpected and unprecedented protest. As Trump stood...
Fox News Hosts Reassure Viewers: “It All Makes Sense in the Original German”
New York, NY — In a surprising twist of linguistic dexterity, several Fox News hosts have assured their viewers that any controversial comments they’ve made—whether it be about misogyny, homophobia, or other sensitive topics—should be understood in their original German context. Jesse Watters, the anchor known for his no-holds-barred commentary, took to the airwaves Monday...
IDPL Sues JD Vance for Ruining Donuts’ Sexy Reputation After Awkward Campaign Stop
Valdosta, GA — The International Donut and Pastry League (IDPL) announced today that they are suing JD Vance, vice presidential candidate and author of “Hillbilly Elegy,” for what they call an “unprecedented attack” on the sex appeal of donuts. The lawsuit comes on the heels of a disastrous photo-op in Valdosta, Georgia, where Vance’s attempts...
Thousands of Pedophiles Creepishly Agree With J.D. Vance’s Importance of Children
BOISE IDAHO – Idaho Pedophile Matt Melton stood in front of a large crowd, which they assured was more than 1000 feet from any park or school, to voice their support of Vice President hopeful J.D. Vance. “We love children!” Melton cheered. “The world is nothing without these young, attractive souls!” Vance was quoted saying...