The Department of State announced today that all U.S. flags—state and national—will fly at “half-flaccid” to honor the inauguration of Donald Trump. Officials clarified that this involves a new flagpole design, where the banners droop at an awkward 45-degree angle, ensuring they “hang on, but not too proud,” a sentiment reportedly reflective of “national morale...
TikTok—the beloved app that made viral watermelon steak tutorials a household phenomenon—is facing a potential nationwide ban, leaving Gen Z creators scrambling to find alternative platforms to share their groundbreaking revelation: that watermelon, when seared just right, can allegedly taste like steak. For millions of Gen Z TikTok users, this isn’t just about losing an...
In a groundbreaking development in the annals of absurd historical milestones, Elon Musk has officially been declared the second most history-changing piece of shit—just behind the infamous turd that indirectly caused Elvis Presley’s fatal bathroom heart attack. A Turd of Legendary Proportions The “Elvis Turd,” as it’s colloquially known, has long been heralded as the...
Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In what observers are calling a “bold and festive display of manifest destiny,” President-elect Donald Trump reportedly spent Christmas Day asserting ownership over family members’ gifts by licking his finger, touching the desired item, and loudly declaring, “Mine!” Eyewitnesses at the Trump family Christmas celebration said the 78-year-old “billionaire” turned political firebrand...
The House Ethics Committee has concluded that former Congressman Matt Gaetz possesses absolutely no ethics whatsoever. This finding comes after an exhaustive investigation into allegations of sexual misconduct, drug use, and other illicit activities. The 37-page report, released today, details a series of actions by Gaetz that violate numerous state laws and House conduct rules....
Washington, D.C. — As political pundits speculate on a potential return to the White House by Donald Trump, the cleaning staff at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has issued a collective plea: Please, no. “We just finished getting out the ketchup stains,” said longtime custodian Marjorie Pickett, referencing the former president’s infamous habit of expressing displeasure by...
America Stunned by 4D Chess Move Washington, D.C. — In a political maneuver that has left both cable news pundits and dinner table debaters reeling, President Joe Biden has issued a pardon to former President Donald Trump. The catch? Biden’s pardon explicitly cites Trump’s pardon of a family member as its inspiration, with Biden’s own...
Washington, D.C. — A baffling epidemic of arm and wrist pain has gripped Democrats in and around the White House, and experts are blaming a single culprit: excessive finger-pointing. Sources close to the administration report that the condition, informally dubbed “Blame Strain Syndrome,” has reached crisis levels as party members scramble to identify culprits for...
Earth’s reputation as the universe’s “Goldilocks planet” is officially over. In a stunning fall from grace, Earth has been downgraded from the best place to live to the third most hostile planet, trailing behind the scorching infernos of Mercury and Venus. Experts cite two key reasons for this nosedive: Donald Trump’s reelection and Elon Musk’s...
In an almost too-familiar return to the cabinet-assembling scene, Donald Trump is confident his latest picks, which reportedly include names like Matt Gaetz, Stephen Miller, Elon Musk, and Pete Hegseth, will take much longer to turn against him. “Look, this time, I’m giving myself at least a full year before someone starts writing a tell-all...