Washington, D.C. — As political pundits speculate on a potential return to the White House by Donald Trump, the cleaning staff at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has issued a collective plea: Please, no. “We just finished getting out the ketchup stains,” said longtime custodian Marjorie Pickett, referencing the former president’s infamous habit of expressing displeasure by...
America Stunned by 4D Chess Move Washington, D.C. — In a political maneuver that has left both cable news pundits and dinner table debaters reeling, President Joe Biden has issued a pardon to former President Donald Trump. The catch? Biden’s pardon explicitly cites Trump’s pardon of a family member as its inspiration, with Biden’s own...
Washington, D.C. — A baffling epidemic of arm and wrist pain has gripped Democrats in and around the White House, and experts are blaming a single culprit: excessive finger-pointing. Sources close to the administration report that the condition, informally dubbed “Blame Strain Syndrome,” has reached crisis levels as party members scramble to identify culprits for...
Earth’s reputation as the universe’s “Goldilocks planet” is officially over. In a stunning fall from grace, Earth has been downgraded from the best place to live to the third most hostile planet, trailing behind the scorching infernos of Mercury and Venus. Experts cite two key reasons for this nosedive: Donald Trump’s reelection and Elon Musk’s...
In an almost too-familiar return to the cabinet-assembling scene, Donald Trump is confident his latest picks, which reportedly include names like Matt Gaetz, Stephen Miller, Elon Musk, and Pete Hegseth, will take much longer to turn against him. “Look, this time, I’m giving myself at least a full year before someone starts writing a tell-all...
“Running out of clouds to yell at!” November 2024 – Across the country, a cloud of anxiety looms over Thanksgiving gatherings as millions of Boomer parents, aunts, and uncles struggle to find a suitable topic to argue about over the dinner table. Following Trump’s unexpected victory, the traditional feast-day yelling that once united families in...
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In an unprecedented surge of user activity, Google has reported the highest volume search term in the company’s history following former president Donald Trump’s unexpected reelection victory. The leading query? “Holy fucking shit what just happened did he get reelected how do I buy a house in Canada?” closely followed by...
In a last act of loyalty, late Home Depot co-founder Bernard Marcus has reportedly made clear that his political intentions will remain as vibrant as his impact on the home improvement industry—even from beyond the grave. Before passing, Marcus expressed little concern over his absence in this election cycle, confident that his votes, totaling six...
former President Donald Trump and Senator J.D. Vance held a press conference yesterday to issue a formal apology to the women of America, acknowledging that their previous dismissive comments might have been in poor taste. Both men, however, sheepishly admitted that they simply hadn’t realized women were part of the voter pool. “Look, in my...