Thursday 3rd April, 2025

Trump’s First Executive Order: Granting Himself A Kagillion More Executive Orders

WASHINGTON, D.C. — On his very first day as President, Donald J. Trump made history yet again. In a move that stunned scholars, political analysts, and even his most devoted supporters, Trump signed an executive order granting himself a “kagillion more executive orders” — a number so large it prompted White House staff to Google whether it was a real word (it isn’t).

“This is the most important executive order, maybe ever. Some are saying it’s genius. I’m not saying it, but people are saying it,” Trump announced during a surprise press conference in the Oval Office. “I had one executive order, folks, just one. And I thought, why stop there? Why not go big? So I asked myself: ‘What’s the biggest number?’ And the answer, of course, is kagillion. Tremendous number. Huge.”

The executive order itself, officially titled Executive Order #1: The Bigly Expansion of Executive Order Power for the Best President Ever (and unofficially nicknamed “The Infinity Wish”), contains a single sentence:

“I, Donald J. Trump, hereby grant myself a kagillion more executive orders because I deserve it, and everyone knows it, okay? Believe me.”

Within hours of signing the order, Trump put his newfound powers to work. His second executive order declared every day “National Trump Day,” complete with parades, commemorative coins, and mandatory Trump steaks at all federal cafeterias. His third order banned “fake news outlets” from White House grounds, a category that now includes any media that doesn’t refer to him as “Your Excellency, the Orange Wizard of Winning.”

By the end of his first week, Trump had issued 872 executive orders, including one requiring all Mount Rushmore statues to “look a little more Trumpy” and another mandating that wind turbines apologize for “making cancer.”

When asked if there’s a limit to his executive powers, Trump laughed. “A limit? No, no. I’ve got a kagillion, remember? Kagillion. It’s a number. It’s huge. Bigger than anything anyone’s ever had. And guess what? If I run out, I’ll just give myself a bajillion more. Simple!”

As Trump left the press conference to sign Executive Order #873, titled “Melania Has to Hold My Hand,” staffers quietly debated whether “kagillion” would be added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

“We’re living in a cartoon now,” sighed one aide.

Meanwhile, in a dark corner of the White House basement, a dusty genie lamp sat on a shelf, trembling.

National Flags to Fly at Half-Flaccid for the Next Four Years

The Department of State announced today that all U.S. flags—state and national—will fly at “half-flaccid” to honor the inauguration of Donald Trump. Officials clarified that this involves a new flagpole design, where the banners droop at an awkward 45-degree angle, ensuring they “hang on, but not too proud,” a sentiment reportedly reflective of “national morale and overall vibes.” Sources close to the former president lauded the decision as “unprecedented greatness,” with Trump himself claiming, “No other nation’s flags are flaccid like ours. Other countries are looking, believe me.”

Critics argue the move is emblematic of broader dysfunction, with one senator lamenting, “We’ve gone from waving the flag to lightly draping it over a chair and hoping for the best.” Meanwhile, the new policy has sparked unexpected entrepreneurial opportunities, with manufacturers rushing to create collapsible flagpoles capable of “gentle disinterest.” Social media users, unsurprisingly, were quick to capitalize, with hashtags like #FlaccidFreedom and #SaggingWithPride trending. As one commentator quipped, “This might be the only time a limp showing gets this much national attention.”

Ban of TikTok Will Force Thousands To Find Other Websites To Convince You That You Can Make A Watermelon Look and Taste Like Steak

TikTok—the beloved app that made viral watermelon steak tutorials a household phenomenon—is facing a potential nationwide ban, leaving Gen Z creators scrambling to find alternative platforms to share their groundbreaking revelation: that watermelon, when seared just right, can allegedly taste like steak.

For millions of Gen Z TikTok users, this isn’t just about losing an app—it’s about losing a way of life. The platform that brought us dances, dubious skincare hacks, and endless debates over the pronunciation of “charcuterie” is now poised to disappear, taking with it the cherished #WatermelonSteak movement.

“It’s like they don’t want us to thrive,” said 19-year-old Madison “Meatless Queen” Taylor in a tearful Instagram Live. “What am I supposed to do now? Convince people to cook fruit on LinkedIn?”

The End of an Era (and Maybe Your Appetite)

TikTok has long been a safe haven for Gen Z innovators who believe the culinary rules of the universe are mere suggestions. For years, they’ve tirelessly experimented in their kitchens, asking questions like, “Can you turn cauliflower into mac and cheese?” or “What if pasta were made of zucchini and regret?”

The watermelon steak craze became one of TikTok’s defining culinary contributions. Armed with soy sauce, liquid smoke, and unchecked optimism, creators would char thick slabs of watermelon, declaring with a straight face that it tasted just like a medium-rare filet. Critics called it sacrilege. Fans called it sustainable. Everyone else called Domino’s.

Now, with TikTok’s future in jeopardy, the world is left wondering: where will these young pioneers take their absurd food content next?

The Great Platform Exodus

As the potential ban looms, alternative platforms are already experiencing a surge in watermelon-related uploads. Instagram Reels, once the home of boomer vacation photos, is bracing for a flood of Gen Z creators trying to explain why fruit deserves a spot at the BBQ.

Snapchat has quietly rolled out a new feature called “Flop Filters,” allowing users to make their watermelon steaks look slightly less horrifying. YouTube, meanwhile, is capitalizing on the chaos with a new trend: “Longform Food Fail Videos.”

But not every app is ready for the incoming tide. A spokesperson for Pinterest issued a statement: “We are thrilled to welcome TikTok creators, but we draw the line at turning watermelons into anything other than decorative centerpieces.”

A Generation in Crisis

For many Gen Z creators, the ban feels like a personal attack. “This is silencing an entire generation’s voice,” said 20-year-old influencer Liam “Chef of Chaos” Miller. “TikTok taught us that anything can be food if you believe in yourself—and have enough balsamic glaze.”

Experts warn that the loss of TikTok could have far-reaching consequences for culinary culture. “We’re not just losing an app,” said Dr. Elaine Carter, a sociologist who studies digital communities. “We’re losing the collective delusion that made people think banana peels are an acceptable substitute for bacon. And that’s a tragedy.”

The Future of Watermelon Steaks

As Gen Z migrates to new platforms, some creators are taking their passion offline. Watermelon steak pop-up shops are reportedly appearing in parking lots across the country. In New York, one rogue chef is hosting underground “fruit-to-meat” dinner parties, charging $100 a plate to taste his patented smoked kiwi brisket.

“I won’t stop until the world sees the truth,” said Madison Taylor, defiantly holding a slice of grilled watermelon. “Watermelon is steak. And steak is, like, a social construct or whatever.”

Whether this TikTok ban marks the end of the watermelon steak era—or the beginning of an even stranger culinary movement—one thing is clear: the internet will always find a way to ruin perfectly good food.

Elon Musk Becomes 2nd Most History-Changing “Piece of Sh*t” After the Elvis Incident

In a groundbreaking development in the annals of absurd historical milestones, Elon Musk has officially been declared the second most history-changing piece of shit—just behind the infamous turd that indirectly caused Elvis Presley’s fatal bathroom heart attack.

A Turd of Legendary Proportions

The “Elvis Turd,” as it’s colloquially known, has long been heralded as the pinnacle of excremental significance. According to historical accounts, the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll met his untimely end in 1977 while sitting on his porcelain throne, battling what doctors later described as a “massive, terminal poop.” This unassuming bowel movement inadvertently ended the life of one of the greatest cultural icons of all time, leaving the world to wonder: What if that turd hadn’t existed?

Elon’s Rise to #2

While the Elvis Turd has held the title unchallenged for decades, Elon Musk has spent the last few years making an undeniable case for himself. Between launching flamethrowers for no reason, buying Twitter for $44 billion and turning it into a bad group chat, and naming his child “X Æ A-12” (a name rejected even by Star Wars fans), Musk has proven that his contributions to society are as messy as they are memorable.

Elon Musk’s influence on American democracy is proving to be a double-edged sword, with many critics arguing he’s wielding his power recklessly. By turning Twitter (now X) into a megaphone for conspiracy theories and misinformation, Musk has amplified divisive rhetoric, making the platform a haven for chaos rather than constructive discourse. His actions during the 2024 election, such as allowing content that undermined trust in the democratic process to flourish, arguably tilted the scales in favor of political extremism. By normalizing false narratives and prioritizing “free speech” policies that cater to sensationalism over truth, Musk has helped erode the already fragile trust Americans have in their institutions.

Now, Musk’s attention is shifting to Europe, but the damage to America is already evident. His approach to content moderation, or lack thereof, has emboldened bad actors, spread disinformation, and widened ideological rifts. The prioritization of engagement at the expense of accuracy has not only corrupted the public discourse but also left voters more polarized and misinformed than ever before. Musk’s unchecked influence demonstrates the risks of entrusting vital platforms of communication to billionaires whose motivations often appear aligned more with personal amusement than public responsibility.

“Few individuals can change history while leaving behind such an unflattering legacy,” said Dr. Linda Stoolwater, a leading expert in dubious accomplishments. “But Musk’s ability to stir global controversy with a single tweet about Dogecoin is a close rival to the turd that took down the King.”

A Race to the Bottom

The debate over Musk’s placement on the list intensified after his recent pivot to turning Twitter (now X, for some inexplicable reason) into a platform that charges $8 for people to be ignored more efficiently. Critics argue that this move alone warrants his elevation to #2 on the list, as it has fundamentally changed the way people waste time online.

“Elon Musk’s actions have undoubtedly reshaped the digital landscape,” said cultural critic Bryan Flushing. “But unlike the Elvis Turd, which brought about a swift and conclusive end, Musk’s contributions are more like a slow, lingering intestinal discomfort for humanity.”

Musk Responds

Unsurprisingly, Musk took to X to address the announcement in his trademark style.
“LOL, I’m honored to be #2! But don’t forget: I’ll make Mars sh*ttier too. 🚀💩” he tweeted, sparking 1.2 million likes, 900,000 hate replies, and at least 15 lawsuits.

What’s Next for Musk?

As Musk continues his quest to outdo the Elvis Turd, experts speculate that his future endeavors could include colonizing Mars with Teslas that only charge on Earth or inventing a Neuralink chip that exclusively streams Joe Rogan podcasts.

Regardless of what happens next, one thing is clear: While Musk’s legacy is still unfolding, his place in history—as the world’s second most history-changing piece of sh*t—is firmly secured.

And for now, the Elvis Turd can rest easy atop its porcelain pedestal, a true king among crap.

President-Elect Trump Spends Christmas Claiming Gifts with “Mine!” Methodology

Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In what observers are calling a “bold and festive display of manifest destiny,” President-elect Donald Trump reportedly spent Christmas Day asserting ownership over family members’ gifts by licking his finger, touching the desired item, and loudly declaring, “Mine!”

Eyewitnesses at the Trump family Christmas celebration said the 78-year-old “billionaire” turned political firebrand enacted the tradition shortly after the opening of gifts commenced. The spectacle began when Eric Trump unwrapped a limited-edition drone, which Trump promptly claimed by licking his index finger, pressing it onto the drone, and bellowing, “This is tremendous. It’s mine now. I just claimed it. That’s how it works.”

Ivanka Trump, poised as ever, reportedly attempted to explain that the drone was Eric’s gift, to which Trump retorted, “No, it’s mine. I just did the thing. You saw it. He didn’t claim it first. Sad!”

An Expanding Christmas Empire

The scene escalated as Trump went on to annex Barron Trump’s PlayStation 5, Melania’s diamond bracelet, and even the turkey centerpiece. “This is bigger than the Louisiana Purchase,” Trump reportedly told guests. “You don’t see people complaining about that, do you? Same principle.”

When Donald Trump Jr. protested after his father claimed his brand-new hunting rifle, Trump dismissed him with a wave. “You’re weak, Don. You didn’t even try to claim it. Loser move. Big loser energy.”

Inspired by Past Conquests

Trump’s Christmas antics appear to mirror his reported obsession with territorial acquisitions, as highlighted in a recent Rolling Stone article. According to sources close to the former president, Trump has previously floated ideas such as “buying Greenland,” “reclaiming the Panama Canal,” and, most perplexingly, “annexing Canada” after mistakenly believing he could “just take it.”

Critics argue that Trump’s holiday behavior is emblematic of his broader worldview, where the act of claiming something—regardless of feasibility or propriety—makes it so. In this instance, his claim to gifts seemed to hinge solely on the moist authenticity of a licked finger.

Backlash and Confusion

The unorthodox gift-claiming spree has sparked backlash even within Trump’s own circle. “It’s not fair,” said Eric Trump in a tearful post-Christmas interview. “I just wanted to fly my drone, but now Dad says it’s going to be part of his ‘Space Force’ collection.”

Twitter users also had a field day with the story, trending the hashtag #Claimmas. One user wrote, “If licking your finger and yelling ‘Mine!’ worked, I’d have a mansion by now.” Another quipped, “Guess the Emoluments Clause doesn’t cover Christmas gifts.”

Future Aspirations

By the end of the day, Trump reportedly claimed the entire Mar-a-Lago property itself, stating, “Honestly, I don’t think I ever really claimed it. But now I did. Merry Christmas to me!”

When asked by reporters outside the estate if he planned to extend his “lick-and-claim” strategy to public policy, Trump grinned. “Greenland? Already licked it in my head. That’s mine too. The Panama Canal? Mine, mine, mine.”

For now, Mar-a-Lago remains his self-declared Christmas empire, but insiders suggest Trump is eyeing bigger prizes for the new year. Rumor has it, the White House will soon bear a small, sticky fingerprint on its front door.

House Ethics Committee Shocked to Discover Matt Gaetz’s Complete Lack of Ethics

The House Ethics Committee has concluded that former Congressman Matt Gaetz possesses absolutely no ethics whatsoever. This finding comes after an exhaustive investigation into allegations of sexual misconduct, drug use, and other illicit activities.

The 37-page report, released today, details a series of actions by Gaetz that violate numerous state laws and House conduct rules. Among the most startling findings is evidence that Gaetz paid over $90,000 to 12 women for sex and drugs, including a 17-year-old girl.

“We were prepared to find some ethical lapses,” said Committee Chairperson Ima Virtuous. “But to uncover a total absence of ethics? That’s a first.”

The report outlines instances where Gaetz engaged in drug-fueled parties, used his congressional status for personal favors, and attempted to obstruct justice. Despite a three-year FBI investigation resulting in no criminal charges, the Ethics Committee found substantial evidence of misconduct.

In response to the report, Gaetz filed a lawsuit to block its release, arguing that as a private citizen, the committee lacks jurisdiction over him. He also contended that the report would cause “severe and irreparable damage” to his reputation.

“It’s challenging to damage something that doesn’t exist,” quipped political analyst Polly Tician.

Gaetz’s resignation from Congress last month, following his selection by President-elect Donald Trump for the role of Attorney General—a nomination he later withdrew due to expected challenges in Senate confirmation—has only added to the controversy.

“We thought appointing someone with zero ethics to lead the Department of Justice was a bit on the nose,” commented an anonymous White House insider.

As the political world reels from these revelations, the House Ethics Committee is considering renaming itself the “House Ethics and Lack Thereof Committee” to accommodate future findings of this nature.

“We need to be inclusive of all members,” Chairperson Virtuous noted.

Meanwhile, Gaetz has announced plans to host a new reality TV show titled “Ethics? Never Heard of ‘Em!” The show promises to take viewers on a behind-the-scenes tour of Washington’s most ethically challenged politicians.

“It’s time to turn my lack of ethics into entertainment,” Gaetz said in a statement. “After all, if you can’t beat ’em, monetize ’em.”

White House Cleaning Staff Already Dreading Possible Trump Return: “We Just Got the Stains Out”

Washington, D.C. — As political pundits speculate on a potential return to the White House by Donald Trump, the cleaning staff at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has issued a collective plea: Please, no.

“We just finished getting out the ketchup stains,” said longtime custodian Marjorie Pickett, referencing the former president’s infamous habit of expressing displeasure by hurling condiments. “It took two industrial-grade power washers and a small team of exorcists to get the walls clean. And don’t even get me started on the carpets!”

The staff confirmed that Trump left the White House in 2021 without getting his security deposit back. “Frankly, the damage exceeded the deposit tenfold,” explained Edgar Murkowski, head of facilities management. “The gilded toilet alone needed thousands of dollars in repairs. And then there was the dining room… Oh, the dining room.”

The dining room, according to multiple sources, still carries an inexplicable odor described as a mix between overdone steak, spray tan solution, and “unprocessed rage.” Despite countless deep cleanings, Murkowski says the smell persists. “It’s like the ghost of Mar-a-Lago haunts that room. Even the Lincoln Bedroom didn’t smell this bad after Andrew Jackson slept in there.”

Unique Challenges of a Trump Presidency

Staff also expressed concerns about preparing for Trump’s well-documented dietary preferences, should he return. “We’re still finding stray fries behind radiators, and I’ll never forget the time we found a McRib box stuffed into the Resolute Desk,” said White House chef Juanita Gómez.

The cleaning team faced other peculiar challenges during Trump’s tenure, including mysterious orange streaks on bathroom sinks, unexplained scorch marks on the Oval Office rug, and what one staffer referred to as “tweet residue” on every electronic device.

“We had to bring in a forensic cleaner just to scrape the all-caps shouting out of the White House servers,” said IT technician Doug Harris.

A Plea for Change

Despite their trauma, staff members remain hopeful. “We’ve scrubbed this place top to bottom, and it’s finally starting to feel like a home again,” said Pickett, gesturing to a pristine hallway. “But if he comes back, I swear I’m retiring. Let someone else handle the Diet Coke button and the Sharpie graffiti on the hurricane maps.”

As speculation swirls, the staff is reportedly preparing a special “Trump Clause” for his next lease agreement, should he reclaim the Oval Office. “We’re going to need triple the deposit,” said Murkowski. “And a certified promise to keep the ketchup on the plate.”

Brokenewz.com reached out to Trump’s spokesperson for comment but received only an email containing the words “FAKE NEWS!!!” in size 72 Comic Sans font.

Biden Pardons Trump for Pardoning Family Member by Pardoning Family Member

America Stunned by 4D Chess Move

Washington, D.C. — In a political maneuver that has left both cable news pundits and dinner table debaters reeling, President Joe Biden has issued a pardon to former President Donald Trump. The catch? Biden’s pardon explicitly cites Trump’s pardon of a family member as its inspiration, with Biden’s own family member riding shotgun on this karmic roller coaster.

The announcement, made during a surprise press conference on the White House lawn, unfolded like an episode of Succession written by Kafka.

“As the great philosopher Kenny Rogers once said, ‘You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,’” President Biden began. “Trump pardoned his son-in-law’s father, so I’m pardoning Trump. But I’ll also be pardoning Hunter. It’s like a democracy bogo deal!”

The President then leaned into the mic and whispered, “That’s a little Scranton wisdom for ya.”

Trump’s Pardon of a Family Member: A Refresher

The saga Biden referred to dates back to 2020, when Trump issued a presidential pardon to Charles Kushner, father of his senior advisor and son-in-law, Jared Kushner. Charles had been convicted of crimes so lurid they’d make a Netflix series blush: tax evasion, witness tampering, and hiring a sex worker to entrap his brother-in-law. Critics accused Trump of using his pardon power like a Black Friday coupon book for family members.

Kushner was not only pardoned but later appointed to a prestigious ambassador role. This move set the gold standard for “family loyalty” in politics, with nepotism taking a victory lap.

Biden’s Counter-Move

Fast-forward to 2024, and Biden’s pardon of Trump is being hailed as the “Uno Reverse Card” of political theater. But Biden didn’t stop there. In a move reminiscent of Oprah’s giveaway days, the President also issued a pardon to his own son, Hunter Biden, citing the precedent Trump had set.

“The Hunter laptop thing? Consider it water under the bridge,” Biden quipped. “Well, more like a cybernetic hard drive floating down a Delaware creek.”

Fox News immediately declared it the “end of democracy as we know it,” while MSNBC hailed it as “a tactical masterstroke worthy of Machiavelli, if Machiavelli played cornhole on the weekends.”

America Reacts

Social media exploded in response, with hashtags like #Pardonception and #KushnerEffect trending within minutes.

“I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or apply for a presidential pardon myself,” tweeted one user.

“This is what happens when you give boomers too many episodes of House of Cards to binge,” said another.

Meanwhile, political analysts are scrambling to determine what this means for 2024’s already chaotic election season. One scholar likened it to “a snake eating its tail, but the snake is holding a press conference about bipartisanship.”

The Future of Pardons

When pressed about the long-term implications of this tit-for-tat pardon spree, Biden shrugged. “Look, folks, I’m just trying to clean up the mess here. If pardoning Trump for his family pardon while pardoning my family works, why not? Maybe next year, I’ll pardon the turkey’s cousin, too.”

As the nation grapples with this bizarre chapter in American history, one thing is certain: we are now living in a political Mad Lib where every fill-in-the-blank is “family member.”

White House Democrats Report Surge in Arm and Wrist Pain Amid Intense Finger-Pointing Epidemic

Washington, D.C. — A baffling epidemic of arm and wrist pain has gripped Democrats in and around the White House, and experts are blaming a single culprit: excessive finger-pointing.

Sources close to the administration report that the condition, informally dubbed “Blame Strain Syndrome,” has reached crisis levels as party members scramble to identify culprits for recent legislative failures, plummeting approval ratings, and a mysteriously vanishing catering order during last week’s press briefing.

“It started with harmless gestures,” admitted one anonymous aide, nervously flexing their index finger in a bucket of ice. “But now, it’s full-blown. Every meeting ends with someone pointing so aggressively they nearly dislocate a shoulder.”

Doctors from Walter Reed Medical Center were called in to assess the situation. “What we’re seeing is unprecedented,” said Dr. Cynthia Yarrow, an orthopedic specialist. “This is what happens when stress, politics, and a lack of accountability combine into a perfect storm. The average Democratic staffer’s arm movement right now is like a professional tennis player during a particularly heated rally — except with way more passive-aggression.”

The problem escalated after the latest midterm results, with moderates pointing at progressives, progressives pointing at moderates, and everyone pointing at the communications team. President Biden attempted to defuse tensions during a closed-door strategy session but was reportedly met with 27 simultaneous pointed fingers directed at him when he mentioned gas prices.

“It’s chaos,” said one exhausted intern, clutching a heat pack. “People are pointing everywhere: at polls, at lobbyists, at the vending machine that only takes exact change. I saw two aides arguing in the hallway, and they were both using two hands to point at each other. It’s like a political Spider-Man meme out there.”

Republicans, meanwhile, have taken the opportunity to weigh in. “This is just another example of Democrats not being able to handle their own policies,” said Rep. Kevin McCarthy while demonstratively shrugging, a gesture his office later clarified “does not cause wrist pain.”

Medical experts have recommended several solutions, including finger yoga, ergonomic gloves, and a radical new technique called “self-reflection,” which has yet to gain traction. For now, the administration is relying on the tried-and-true strategy of issuing vague statements about moving forward while quietly Googling physical therapy clinics in the D.C. area.

When asked for comment, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre assured reporters the issue was “under control” but was seen wincing as she deflected questions with a pointed gesture toward her deputy.

“We remain committed to progress,” she said through gritted teeth. “Just… maybe with fewer hand motions.”

Earth Moves to 3rd Most Hostile Living Conditions of all Planets in our Galaxy

Earth’s reputation as the universe’s “Goldilocks planet” is officially over. In a stunning fall from grace, Earth has been downgraded from the best place to live to the third most hostile planet, trailing behind the scorching infernos of Mercury and Venus. Experts cite two key reasons for this nosedive: Donald Trump’s reelection and Elon Musk’s relentless meddling in, well, everything.

The Trumpocalypse

Trump’s return to the Oval Office marked the beginning of Earth’s accelerated descent into chaos. His administration, which famously abolished all remaining environmental protections, successfully turned Earth’s once-bearable climate into something resembling Venus Lite.

Under Trump’s “Keep the Planet Great for Corporations” initiative, industrial emissions reached historic highs, while global temperatures soared past the point of no return. Trump celebrated the achievements on Twitter—or X—posting, “We’ve made Earth hotter than ever before. People are saying it’s tremendous. Venus is shaking in its sulfuric acid boots.”

The administration also oversaw the privatization of natural resources, including air. Oxygen stocks skyrocketed, but the move left millions gasping for breath in what critics dubbed the “pay-to-inhale” era. “Earth has officially priced out 99% of lifeforms,” said one environmental analyst. “Even cockroaches are reconsidering their options.”

Musk’s Cosmic Intervention

Meanwhile, Elon Musk, not content with ruining Twitter (or X, depending on who you ask), decided to apply his genius to planetary management. His solution? Cover Earth in reflective solar panels to combat global warming. Unfortunately, the panels had the opposite effect, creating a magnifying glass-like phenomenon that roasted entire continents.

Musk also launched the “Tesla Terraformer,” a machine designed to pump breathable air back into the atmosphere. Instead, it malfunctioned, filling the skies with neon-green smog and a persistent hum that experts describe as “an EDM festival in hell.”

When questioned about his role in Earth’s decline, Musk replied, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my Mars colony.”

Life on Earth Today

Thanks to these combined efforts, Earth now boasts conditions rivaling those of Venus. Oceans have evaporated into toxic clouds, cities are submerged in floods of molten asphalt, and billionaires compete to see who can build the largest bunker. Meanwhile, the average Earthling is forced to navigate their daily lives in a spacesuit, enduring acid rain commutes and radioactive grocery runs.

“It’s like Mercury, but with more paperwork,” one resident lamented while dodging a hailstorm of metal snow.

Mercury and Venus Laugh Last

With Earth now in third place, Mercury and Venus have taken the opportunity to remind everyone why they’re the reigning champions of hostility. “We’re glad Earth finally got its act together,” Venus said in a statement, adding, “but let’s be real—you’re still the amateur league.”

Mercury, true to form, offered no comment, as it was too busy being a literal wasteland of death.

What’s Next?

Experts believe Earth’s only hope is a radical reversal of Trump’s policies and the immediate cessation of Musk’s experiments. However, with both figures now collaborating on a plan to “optimize” the Sun by making it 20% brighter, prospects look dim—if not blindingly bright.

Until then, Earthlings can take solace in one thing: at least they’re not living on Jupiter.