Washington, D.C. — A baffling epidemic of arm and wrist pain has gripped Democrats in and around the White House, and experts are blaming a single culprit: excessive finger-pointing.

Sources close to the administration report that the condition, informally dubbed “Blame Strain Syndrome,” has reached crisis levels as party members scramble to identify culprits for recent legislative failures, plummeting approval ratings, and a mysteriously vanishing catering order during last week’s press briefing.

“It started with harmless gestures,” admitted one anonymous aide, nervously flexing their index finger in a bucket of ice. “But now, it’s full-blown. Every meeting ends with someone pointing so aggressively they nearly dislocate a shoulder.”

Doctors from Walter Reed Medical Center were called in to assess the situation. “What we’re seeing is unprecedented,” said Dr. Cynthia Yarrow, an orthopedic specialist. “This is what happens when stress, politics, and a lack of accountability combine into a perfect storm. The average Democratic staffer’s arm movement right now is like a professional tennis player during a particularly heated rally — except with way more passive-aggression.”

The problem escalated after the latest midterm results, with moderates pointing at progressives, progressives pointing at moderates, and everyone pointing at the communications team. President Biden attempted to defuse tensions during a closed-door strategy session but was reportedly met with 27 simultaneous pointed fingers directed at him when he mentioned gas prices.

“It’s chaos,” said one exhausted intern, clutching a heat pack. “People are pointing everywhere: at polls, at lobbyists, at the vending machine that only takes exact change. I saw two aides arguing in the hallway, and they were both using two hands to point at each other. It’s like a political Spider-Man meme out there.”

Republicans, meanwhile, have taken the opportunity to weigh in. “This is just another example of Democrats not being able to handle their own policies,” said Rep. Kevin McCarthy while demonstratively shrugging, a gesture his office later clarified “does not cause wrist pain.”

Medical experts have recommended several solutions, including finger yoga, ergonomic gloves, and a radical new technique called “self-reflection,” which has yet to gain traction. For now, the administration is relying on the tried-and-true strategy of issuing vague statements about moving forward while quietly Googling physical therapy clinics in the D.C. area.

When asked for comment, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre assured reporters the issue was “under control” but was seen wincing as she deflected questions with a pointed gesture toward her deputy.

“We remain committed to progress,” she said through gritted teeth. “Just… maybe with fewer hand motions.”

In an almost too-familiar return to the cabinet-assembling scene, Donald Trump is confident his latest picks, which reportedly include names like Matt Gaetz, Stephen Miller, Elon Musk, and Pete Hegseth, will take much longer to turn against him.

“Look, this time, I’m giving myself at least a full year before someone starts writing a tell-all or subpoenaing me,” Trump reportedly told advisors. “With these fresh faces, we’re looking at loyalty that’ll last way past the six-month mark. I can feel it.”

Only time—and the first major disagreement—will tell.

In a last act of loyalty, late Home Depot co-founder Bernard Marcus has reportedly made clear that his political intentions will remain as vibrant as his impact on the home improvement industry—even from beyond the grave. Before passing, Marcus expressed little concern over his absence in this election cycle, confident that his votes, totaling six for Donald Trump, would still count thanks to what insiders are calling “state-of-the-art ghost polling.”

Sources close to the GOP confirm that Marcus’s passing will have “no measurable impact on his voting record,” as the party already had a contingency plan to ensure his and several other departed billionaires’ ballots would be safely cast on Election Day.

“He may not be with us in the physical sense, but his ballots will be,” a spokesperson for the GOP explained. “Our democracy is built on the unshakeable foundation of tradition, and few traditions are more sacred than letting the dearly departed exercise their right to vote.”

Republicans are so committed to maintaining Marcus’s support that they reportedly collaborated with a team of medium consultants to avoid any “afterlife inconsistencies” in his ballots. The result is a carefully curated ballot intended to reflect Marcus’s post-mortem political will. Each of his six ballots, which sources confirm are stuffed with patriotic zeal, will be double-checked for voter intent clarity, ensuring his wishes can “still count for something, even in the great beyond.”

Marcus was not the only high-net-worth deceased voter the GOP hoped to mobilize in 2024. According to insiders, a special “Posthumous Voting Task Force” has been working to identify and coordinate efforts for several prominent departed CEOs, each strategically placed in key swing states. Dubbed “Project Immortal Patriot,” the initiative aims to boost GOP support among what some affectionately call the “eternal electorate.”

“It’s been a wild year,” said a source close to the project. “But if there’s anything Americans can rely on, it’s that no one, alive or dead, is off the table when it comes to getting out the vote for Trump.”

Some legal experts have questioned the practice, calling it “ethically dubious,” but the GOP has assured voters that their unique approach to turnout is “completely aboveboard.” Party officials were quick to clarify that only the most dedicated departed donors—those who left ample financial legacies and voting patterns—would be honored with such posthumous representation. “This is not about just any deceased individual voting,” said one party representative. “This is about dedicated deceased individuals voting.”

Public reaction to Marcus’s announcement has been mixed, with critics questioning the validity of ghost ballots in a democratic society. But some in the GOP are unfazed, arguing that deceased voter support has long been part of American electoral culture.

“Dead people have been voting in America since the 1800s,” said a GOP strategist. “We’re just elevating the process to match the passion of our most committed supporters. It’s about legacy—real estate, corporate shares, or votes.”

At press time, sources confirmed that the Republican Party is exploring new innovations in posthumous civic engagement, including AI simulations of key deceased supporters.

former President Donald Trump and Senator J.D. Vance held a press conference yesterday to issue a formal apology to the women of America, acknowledging that their previous dismissive comments might have been in poor taste. Both men, however, sheepishly admitted that they simply hadn’t realized women were part of the voter pool.

“Look, in my defense, back when I learned about voting, my mother wasn’t even allowed to vote, and she taught me everything,” Trump explained, gesturing earnestly at the audience. “For years, I thought elections were really a men’s club. I just assumed everyone had to have a 5 o’clock shadow and at least one cigar to participate.”

Senator Vance backed him up, adding, “It’s a common misconception! Nobody told us there were all these new rules about female voters. I mean, when did this happen? 1920? I guess I missed that memo.”

Despite murmurs of disbelief from the press corps, the two went on to double down on their commitment to a new campaign approach: one that would cater more inclusively to women by rolling out policies like “free pink parking spaces” and “50% off brunches on Election Day.” Trump even proposed a special “no-wait” line at voting booths “just for the ladies.”

“I just want all the women to know we’re listening,” Trump insisted. “Starting now. Now that we know you’re, you know, voting.”

Political analysts agree the outreach efforts are historic in their ambition, with plans for both men to meet with a hand-selected panel of women voters — “Real Housewives” stars and a few “charming yet harmless” grandmothers — to gain deeper insights into the female perspective on taxes, foreign policy, and shoe storage.

“I can promise that moving forward, every speech will include at least three references to shopping and spa days,” Vance said proudly. “That’s how serious we are about this.”

Despite the media uproar, the two politicians remain optimistic. “The gals are gonna love this,” Trump assured reporters with a wink. “And I promise: I’ll never ask if they need to speak to a man again.”