Friday 25th April, 2025

President-Elect Trump Spends Christmas Claiming Gifts with “Mine!” Methodology

Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In what observers are calling a “bold and festive display of manifest destiny,” President-elect Donald Trump reportedly spent Christmas Day asserting ownership over family members’ gifts by licking his finger, touching the desired item, and loudly declaring, “Mine!”

Eyewitnesses at the Trump family Christmas celebration said the 78-year-old “billionaire” turned political firebrand enacted the tradition shortly after the opening of gifts commenced. The spectacle began when Eric Trump unwrapped a limited-edition drone, which Trump promptly claimed by licking his index finger, pressing it onto the drone, and bellowing, “This is tremendous. It’s mine now. I just claimed it. That’s how it works.”

Ivanka Trump, poised as ever, reportedly attempted to explain that the drone was Eric’s gift, to which Trump retorted, “No, it’s mine. I just did the thing. You saw it. He didn’t claim it first. Sad!”

An Expanding Christmas Empire

The scene escalated as Trump went on to annex Barron Trump’s PlayStation 5, Melania’s diamond bracelet, and even the turkey centerpiece. “This is bigger than the Louisiana Purchase,” Trump reportedly told guests. “You don’t see people complaining about that, do you? Same principle.”

When Donald Trump Jr. protested after his father claimed his brand-new hunting rifle, Trump dismissed him with a wave. “You’re weak, Don. You didn’t even try to claim it. Loser move. Big loser energy.”

Inspired by Past Conquests

Trump’s Christmas antics appear to mirror his reported obsession with territorial acquisitions, as highlighted in a recent Rolling Stone article. According to sources close to the former president, Trump has previously floated ideas such as “buying Greenland,” “reclaiming the Panama Canal,” and, most perplexingly, “annexing Canada” after mistakenly believing he could “just take it.”

Critics argue that Trump’s holiday behavior is emblematic of his broader worldview, where the act of claiming something—regardless of feasibility or propriety—makes it so. In this instance, his claim to gifts seemed to hinge solely on the moist authenticity of a licked finger.

Backlash and Confusion

The unorthodox gift-claiming spree has sparked backlash even within Trump’s own circle. “It’s not fair,” said Eric Trump in a tearful post-Christmas interview. “I just wanted to fly my drone, but now Dad says it’s going to be part of his ‘Space Force’ collection.”

Twitter users also had a field day with the story, trending the hashtag #Claimmas. One user wrote, “If licking your finger and yelling ‘Mine!’ worked, I’d have a mansion by now.” Another quipped, “Guess the Emoluments Clause doesn’t cover Christmas gifts.”

Future Aspirations

By the end of the day, Trump reportedly claimed the entire Mar-a-Lago property itself, stating, “Honestly, I don’t think I ever really claimed it. But now I did. Merry Christmas to me!”

When asked by reporters outside the estate if he planned to extend his “lick-and-claim” strategy to public policy, Trump grinned. “Greenland? Already licked it in my head. That’s mine too. The Panama Canal? Mine, mine, mine.”

For now, Mar-a-Lago remains his self-declared Christmas empire, but insiders suggest Trump is eyeing bigger prizes for the new year. Rumor has it, the White House will soon bear a small, sticky fingerprint on its front door.

House Ethics Committee Shocked to Discover Matt Gaetz’s Complete Lack of Ethics

The House Ethics Committee has concluded that former Congressman Matt Gaetz possesses absolutely no ethics whatsoever. This finding comes after an exhaustive investigation into allegations of sexual misconduct, drug use, and other illicit activities.

The 37-page report, released today, details a series of actions by Gaetz that violate numerous state laws and House conduct rules. Among the most startling findings is evidence that Gaetz paid over $90,000 to 12 women for sex and drugs, including a 17-year-old girl.

“We were prepared to find some ethical lapses,” said Committee Chairperson Ima Virtuous. “But to uncover a total absence of ethics? That’s a first.”

The report outlines instances where Gaetz engaged in drug-fueled parties, used his congressional status for personal favors, and attempted to obstruct justice. Despite a three-year FBI investigation resulting in no criminal charges, the Ethics Committee found substantial evidence of misconduct.

In response to the report, Gaetz filed a lawsuit to block its release, arguing that as a private citizen, the committee lacks jurisdiction over him. He also contended that the report would cause “severe and irreparable damage” to his reputation.

“It’s challenging to damage something that doesn’t exist,” quipped political analyst Polly Tician.

Gaetz’s resignation from Congress last month, following his selection by President-elect Donald Trump for the role of Attorney General—a nomination he later withdrew due to expected challenges in Senate confirmation—has only added to the controversy.

“We thought appointing someone with zero ethics to lead the Department of Justice was a bit on the nose,” commented an anonymous White House insider.

As the political world reels from these revelations, the House Ethics Committee is considering renaming itself the “House Ethics and Lack Thereof Committee” to accommodate future findings of this nature.

“We need to be inclusive of all members,” Chairperson Virtuous noted.

Meanwhile, Gaetz has announced plans to host a new reality TV show titled “Ethics? Never Heard of ‘Em!” The show promises to take viewers on a behind-the-scenes tour of Washington’s most ethically challenged politicians.

“It’s time to turn my lack of ethics into entertainment,” Gaetz said in a statement. “After all, if you can’t beat ’em, monetize ’em.”

White House Cleaning Staff Already Dreading Possible Trump Return: “We Just Got the Stains Out”

Washington, D.C. — As political pundits speculate on a potential return to the White House by Donald Trump, the cleaning staff at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has issued a collective plea: Please, no.

“We just finished getting out the ketchup stains,” said longtime custodian Marjorie Pickett, referencing the former president’s infamous habit of expressing displeasure by hurling condiments. “It took two industrial-grade power washers and a small team of exorcists to get the walls clean. And don’t even get me started on the carpets!”

The staff confirmed that Trump left the White House in 2021 without getting his security deposit back. “Frankly, the damage exceeded the deposit tenfold,” explained Edgar Murkowski, head of facilities management. “The gilded toilet alone needed thousands of dollars in repairs. And then there was the dining room… Oh, the dining room.”

The dining room, according to multiple sources, still carries an inexplicable odor described as a mix between overdone steak, spray tan solution, and “unprocessed rage.” Despite countless deep cleanings, Murkowski says the smell persists. “It’s like the ghost of Mar-a-Lago haunts that room. Even the Lincoln Bedroom didn’t smell this bad after Andrew Jackson slept in there.”

Unique Challenges of a Trump Presidency

Staff also expressed concerns about preparing for Trump’s well-documented dietary preferences, should he return. “We’re still finding stray fries behind radiators, and I’ll never forget the time we found a McRib box stuffed into the Resolute Desk,” said White House chef Juanita Gómez.

The cleaning team faced other peculiar challenges during Trump’s tenure, including mysterious orange streaks on bathroom sinks, unexplained scorch marks on the Oval Office rug, and what one staffer referred to as “tweet residue” on every electronic device.

“We had to bring in a forensic cleaner just to scrape the all-caps shouting out of the White House servers,” said IT technician Doug Harris.

A Plea for Change

Despite their trauma, staff members remain hopeful. “We’ve scrubbed this place top to bottom, and it’s finally starting to feel like a home again,” said Pickett, gesturing to a pristine hallway. “But if he comes back, I swear I’m retiring. Let someone else handle the Diet Coke button and the Sharpie graffiti on the hurricane maps.”

As speculation swirls, the staff is reportedly preparing a special “Trump Clause” for his next lease agreement, should he reclaim the Oval Office. “We’re going to need triple the deposit,” said Murkowski. “And a certified promise to keep the ketchup on the plate.”

Brokenewz.com reached out to Trump’s spokesperson for comment but received only an email containing the words “FAKE NEWS!!!” in size 72 Comic Sans font.

Biden Pardons Trump for Pardoning Family Member by Pardoning Family Member

America Stunned by 4D Chess Move

Washington, D.C. — In a political maneuver that has left both cable news pundits and dinner table debaters reeling, President Joe Biden has issued a pardon to former President Donald Trump. The catch? Biden’s pardon explicitly cites Trump’s pardon of a family member as its inspiration, with Biden’s own family member riding shotgun on this karmic roller coaster.

The announcement, made during a surprise press conference on the White House lawn, unfolded like an episode of Succession written by Kafka.

“As the great philosopher Kenny Rogers once said, ‘You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,’” President Biden began. “Trump pardoned his son-in-law’s father, so I’m pardoning Trump. But I’ll also be pardoning Hunter. It’s like a democracy bogo deal!”

The President then leaned into the mic and whispered, “That’s a little Scranton wisdom for ya.”

Trump’s Pardon of a Family Member: A Refresher

The saga Biden referred to dates back to 2020, when Trump issued a presidential pardon to Charles Kushner, father of his senior advisor and son-in-law, Jared Kushner. Charles had been convicted of crimes so lurid they’d make a Netflix series blush: tax evasion, witness tampering, and hiring a sex worker to entrap his brother-in-law. Critics accused Trump of using his pardon power like a Black Friday coupon book for family members.

Kushner was not only pardoned but later appointed to a prestigious ambassador role. This move set the gold standard for “family loyalty” in politics, with nepotism taking a victory lap.

Biden’s Counter-Move

Fast-forward to 2024, and Biden’s pardon of Trump is being hailed as the “Uno Reverse Card” of political theater. But Biden didn’t stop there. In a move reminiscent of Oprah’s giveaway days, the President also issued a pardon to his own son, Hunter Biden, citing the precedent Trump had set.

“The Hunter laptop thing? Consider it water under the bridge,” Biden quipped. “Well, more like a cybernetic hard drive floating down a Delaware creek.”

Fox News immediately declared it the “end of democracy as we know it,” while MSNBC hailed it as “a tactical masterstroke worthy of Machiavelli, if Machiavelli played cornhole on the weekends.”

America Reacts

Social media exploded in response, with hashtags like #Pardonception and #KushnerEffect trending within minutes.

“I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or apply for a presidential pardon myself,” tweeted one user.

“This is what happens when you give boomers too many episodes of House of Cards to binge,” said another.

Meanwhile, political analysts are scrambling to determine what this means for 2024’s already chaotic election season. One scholar likened it to “a snake eating its tail, but the snake is holding a press conference about bipartisanship.”

The Future of Pardons

When pressed about the long-term implications of this tit-for-tat pardon spree, Biden shrugged. “Look, folks, I’m just trying to clean up the mess here. If pardoning Trump for his family pardon while pardoning my family works, why not? Maybe next year, I’ll pardon the turkey’s cousin, too.”

As the nation grapples with this bizarre chapter in American history, one thing is certain: we are now living in a political Mad Lib where every fill-in-the-blank is “family member.”

White House Democrats Report Surge in Arm and Wrist Pain Amid Intense Finger-Pointing Epidemic

Washington, D.C. — A baffling epidemic of arm and wrist pain has gripped Democrats in and around the White House, and experts are blaming a single culprit: excessive finger-pointing.

Sources close to the administration report that the condition, informally dubbed “Blame Strain Syndrome,” has reached crisis levels as party members scramble to identify culprits for recent legislative failures, plummeting approval ratings, and a mysteriously vanishing catering order during last week’s press briefing.

“It started with harmless gestures,” admitted one anonymous aide, nervously flexing their index finger in a bucket of ice. “But now, it’s full-blown. Every meeting ends with someone pointing so aggressively they nearly dislocate a shoulder.”

Doctors from Walter Reed Medical Center were called in to assess the situation. “What we’re seeing is unprecedented,” said Dr. Cynthia Yarrow, an orthopedic specialist. “This is what happens when stress, politics, and a lack of accountability combine into a perfect storm. The average Democratic staffer’s arm movement right now is like a professional tennis player during a particularly heated rally — except with way more passive-aggression.”

The problem escalated after the latest midterm results, with moderates pointing at progressives, progressives pointing at moderates, and everyone pointing at the communications team. President Biden attempted to defuse tensions during a closed-door strategy session but was reportedly met with 27 simultaneous pointed fingers directed at him when he mentioned gas prices.

“It’s chaos,” said one exhausted intern, clutching a heat pack. “People are pointing everywhere: at polls, at lobbyists, at the vending machine that only takes exact change. I saw two aides arguing in the hallway, and they were both using two hands to point at each other. It’s like a political Spider-Man meme out there.”

Republicans, meanwhile, have taken the opportunity to weigh in. “This is just another example of Democrats not being able to handle their own policies,” said Rep. Kevin McCarthy while demonstratively shrugging, a gesture his office later clarified “does not cause wrist pain.”

Medical experts have recommended several solutions, including finger yoga, ergonomic gloves, and a radical new technique called “self-reflection,” which has yet to gain traction. For now, the administration is relying on the tried-and-true strategy of issuing vague statements about moving forward while quietly Googling physical therapy clinics in the D.C. area.

When asked for comment, Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre assured reporters the issue was “under control” but was seen wincing as she deflected questions with a pointed gesture toward her deputy.

“We remain committed to progress,” she said through gritted teeth. “Just… maybe with fewer hand motions.”

Earth Moves to 3rd Most Hostile Living Conditions of all Planets in our Galaxy

Earth’s reputation as the universe’s “Goldilocks planet” is officially over. In a stunning fall from grace, Earth has been downgraded from the best place to live to the third most hostile planet, trailing behind the scorching infernos of Mercury and Venus. Experts cite two key reasons for this nosedive: Donald Trump’s reelection and Elon Musk’s relentless meddling in, well, everything.

The Trumpocalypse

Trump’s return to the Oval Office marked the beginning of Earth’s accelerated descent into chaos. His administration, which famously abolished all remaining environmental protections, successfully turned Earth’s once-bearable climate into something resembling Venus Lite.

Under Trump’s “Keep the Planet Great for Corporations” initiative, industrial emissions reached historic highs, while global temperatures soared past the point of no return. Trump celebrated the achievements on Twitter—or X—posting, “We’ve made Earth hotter than ever before. People are saying it’s tremendous. Venus is shaking in its sulfuric acid boots.”

The administration also oversaw the privatization of natural resources, including air. Oxygen stocks skyrocketed, but the move left millions gasping for breath in what critics dubbed the “pay-to-inhale” era. “Earth has officially priced out 99% of lifeforms,” said one environmental analyst. “Even cockroaches are reconsidering their options.”

Musk’s Cosmic Intervention

Meanwhile, Elon Musk, not content with ruining Twitter (or X, depending on who you ask), decided to apply his genius to planetary management. His solution? Cover Earth in reflective solar panels to combat global warming. Unfortunately, the panels had the opposite effect, creating a magnifying glass-like phenomenon that roasted entire continents.

Musk also launched the “Tesla Terraformer,” a machine designed to pump breathable air back into the atmosphere. Instead, it malfunctioned, filling the skies with neon-green smog and a persistent hum that experts describe as “an EDM festival in hell.”

When questioned about his role in Earth’s decline, Musk replied, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my Mars colony.”

Life on Earth Today

Thanks to these combined efforts, Earth now boasts conditions rivaling those of Venus. Oceans have evaporated into toxic clouds, cities are submerged in floods of molten asphalt, and billionaires compete to see who can build the largest bunker. Meanwhile, the average Earthling is forced to navigate their daily lives in a spacesuit, enduring acid rain commutes and radioactive grocery runs.

“It’s like Mercury, but with more paperwork,” one resident lamented while dodging a hailstorm of metal snow.

Mercury and Venus Laugh Last

With Earth now in third place, Mercury and Venus have taken the opportunity to remind everyone why they’re the reigning champions of hostility. “We’re glad Earth finally got its act together,” Venus said in a statement, adding, “but let’s be real—you’re still the amateur league.”

Mercury, true to form, offered no comment, as it was too busy being a literal wasteland of death.

What’s Next?

Experts believe Earth’s only hope is a radical reversal of Trump’s policies and the immediate cessation of Musk’s experiments. However, with both figures now collaborating on a plan to “optimize” the Sun by making it 20% brighter, prospects look dim—if not blindingly bright.

Until then, Earthlings can take solace in one thing: at least they’re not living on Jupiter.

Trump: Confident New Cabinet Picks Will Last “Much Longer” Before Turning on Him

In an almost too-familiar return to the cabinet-assembling scene, Donald Trump is confident his latest picks, which reportedly include names like Matt Gaetz, Stephen Miller, Elon Musk, and Pete Hegseth, will take much longer to turn against him.

“Look, this time, I’m giving myself at least a full year before someone starts writing a tell-all or subpoenaing me,” Trump reportedly told advisors. “With these fresh faces, we’re looking at loyalty that’ll last way past the six-month mark. I can feel it.”

Only time—and the first major disagreement—will tell.

Boomer Thanksgiving in Crisis as Trump Victory Leaves Family With Nothing to Scream About

“Running out of clouds to yell at!”

November 2024 – Across the country, a cloud of anxiety looms over Thanksgiving gatherings as millions of Boomer parents, aunts, and uncles struggle to find a suitable topic to argue about over the dinner table. Following Trump’s unexpected victory, the traditional feast-day yelling that once united families in a blaze of cross-table animosity is in serious jeopardy.

“I was gearing up to yell about how Biden was steering the country straight into the ground,” sighed Uncle Rick, as he nervously polished off his third glass of pinot noir before noon. “I had an entire PowerPoint presentation ready for the cranberry sauce course.” Rick, like many other Boomer uncles, now finds himself in a void, unsure of how to re-purpose his well-rehearsed monologue on the perils of progressive tax reform and pronouns.

For Aunt Linda, whose Thanksgiving crown jewel was screaming “fake news” at whichever liberal niece or nephew dared mention the economy, the news of Trump’s win has thrown her entire week into chaos. “Who’s going to rant about inflation now?” she wondered, nervously adjusting her homemade MAGA earrings. “I was ready to tear apart anyone who suggested any future that didn’t include a border wall and a gas stove.”

Typically, Thanksgiving has served as a sanctuary for Boomers to drink just a touch too much and raise their voices slightly too loud, confidently blaming Democrats for everything from the stock market to pumpkin spice lattes. Yet now, left without Biden to berate or “voter fraud” to invoke, they’re left aimless, wandering through their homes muttering to themselves and idly swiping through Fox News headlines that suddenly lack any urgency.

A quick scroll through social media reveals that the crisis is widespread. One thread on Reddit shows Boomers desperate for a topic that won’t fizzle out by the turkey course. “If I can’t yell about ‘socialism’ without context, then what am I supposed to yell about?” asked one anonymous poster. “My son-in-law suggested climate change, but it just isn’t the same.”

To fill the void, many Boomers are turning to unlikely topics. Last week, a record number of Google searches for “Is TikTok bad?” and “Are air fryers really just tiny ovens?” spiked as Thanksgiving hosts across the nation frantically sought alternative arguments to fuel the holiday spirit. While TikTok’s alleged “brainwashing effect” provided Uncle Jim with about five minutes of solid material, and Aunt Susan discovered a vague hatred for plant-based butter, these new topics barely make it through the mashed potatoes.

Cousins sitting at the kids’ table have even banded together in an effort to introduce “safe topics” like the latest Marvel movie, pets, or the benefits of a balanced 401(k). “It was a nice try,” admitted 28-year-old Taylor, whose mother stormed out of the room when her dog’s pronouns were casually mentioned. “But it just isn’t the same. It’s like they’re all trying to drum up fake outrage about ‘Gen Z sensitivity’ and ‘remote work’—it’s amateur stuff.”

Meanwhile, Boomers are getting desperate. In fact, “The War on Christmas” arguments are breaking out nearly a month early. “I don’t care if it’s only Thanksgiving!” said Grandma Sandy, clutching her cross. “I’ll start complaining about Starbucks cups if it keeps this dinner from being ruined by peaceful conversation!”

Back in Uncle Rick’s home, the situation grows dire as he notices his son and daughter-in-law attempting to compliment each other’s careers and swap recipes in a rare show of familial harmony. Wringing his hands, Rick finally snaps, diving in with, “I bet you’re happy with those student loan pauses! Back in my day, we earned things!”

By evening, as leftover casserole cools, and Boomer patriots sit in armchairs, visibly listless and clutching their empty glasses, a tear glistens in Uncle Rick’s eye. “I just wanted someone to call me out for wearing a Let’s Go Brandon hat indoors,” he whispers.

Countdown to the End of the Donald Trump Presidency

[cmsmasters_row][cmsmasters_column data_width=”1/1″][cmsmasters_text]

Introducing the End of the Trump Presidency Countdown Clock, a digital clock that ticks down to the exact second until noon on January 20, 2029, marking the anticipated end of Donald Trump’s presidency. This clock is more than a simple timer; it’s a symbol of resilience for those who may feel uncertain or disheartened as Trump navigates his second term in office.

With every passing second, this clock serves as a beacon of hope, letting viewers know exactly how much time remains in his term—displaying days, hours, minutes, and even seconds until that final moment when the office turns over once more.

In moments of feeling overwhelmed or when democracy seems strained, return to this clock for a reminder that time is always moving forward. The countdown continues, bringing you closer to a new chapter and a fresh beginning.

[countdown_to_jan2029]

[/cmsmasters_text][/cmsmasters_column][/cmsmasters_row]

Google Reports Highest-Ever Search Term Following Trump’s Reelection: “Holy Fucking Shit What Just Happened Did He Get Reelected How Do I Buy a House in Canada?”

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In an unprecedented surge of user activity, Google has reported the highest volume search term in the company’s history following former president Donald Trump’s unexpected reelection victory. The leading query? “Holy fucking shit what just happened did he get reelected how do I buy a house in Canada?” closely followed by the second-highest search term, “where do I watch Great British Bake Off?”

“Every election sees a spike in searches,” says Google spokesperson Sarah Lambert, “but we’ve never seen anything quite like this. People are just… coping, I think, and looking to relocate. Or maybe bake.”

According to Google Trends, the surge was first detected around 10 p.m. ET, when news broke that Trump had taken the lead. The term “Holy fucking shit” was immediately flagged as “volcanic” in search volume by Google, with some users adding variations like, “is this real life” and “did he really win again dear god.” Search volume continued to rise as people grasped for information, including “how does one move to Canada without significant savings” and “how to survive Canadian winters (asking for a friend).”

Canada’s immigration website reportedly crashed for the third consecutive election cycle, and moving companies with branches in Vancouver, Toronto, and Montreal saw an unexpected surge in site traffic, along with calls from frantic Americans wanting to know if their dogs would need passports.

Some users simply went straight for comfort, as demonstrated by the second-highest trending search, “where do I watch Great British Bake Off?” which Lambert speculated might provide a temporary “escape into a peaceful, flour-dusted world of sponge cakes and ganache.”

Other top search queries from the night included:

  • “can I buy a one-way plane ticket to Greenland”
  • “is it too late to flee”
  • “remote jobs for Americans with no wilderness survival skills”
  • “would my cat enjoy Canada”

Political analysts note that the searches suggest a renewed interest in escapism, culinary therapy, and alternative citizenship options. Google has promised that, should interest continue, it will streamline search results to include vetted real estate agents, relocation guides, and quick links to watch Great British Bake Off legally in the U.S.

In a statement, the Canadian government advised Americans to “stay calm and wait it out,” noting that their immigration staff is “already quite tired from the 2020, 2024, and now 2028 elections.”