In a last act of loyalty, late Home Depot co-founder Bernard Marcus has reportedly made clear that his political intentions will remain as vibrant as his impact on the home improvement industry—even from beyond the grave. Before passing, Marcus expressed little concern over his absence in this election cycle, confident that his votes, totaling six for Donald Trump, would still count thanks to what insiders are calling “state-of-the-art ghost polling.”

Sources close to the GOP confirm that Marcus’s passing will have “no measurable impact on his voting record,” as the party already had a contingency plan to ensure his and several other departed billionaires’ ballots would be safely cast on Election Day.

“He may not be with us in the physical sense, but his ballots will be,” a spokesperson for the GOP explained. “Our democracy is built on the unshakeable foundation of tradition, and few traditions are more sacred than letting the dearly departed exercise their right to vote.”

Republicans are so committed to maintaining Marcus’s support that they reportedly collaborated with a team of medium consultants to avoid any “afterlife inconsistencies” in his ballots. The result is a carefully curated ballot intended to reflect Marcus’s post-mortem political will. Each of his six ballots, which sources confirm are stuffed with patriotic zeal, will be double-checked for voter intent clarity, ensuring his wishes can “still count for something, even in the great beyond.”

Marcus was not the only high-net-worth deceased voter the GOP hoped to mobilize in 2024. According to insiders, a special “Posthumous Voting Task Force” has been working to identify and coordinate efforts for several prominent departed CEOs, each strategically placed in key swing states. Dubbed “Project Immortal Patriot,” the initiative aims to boost GOP support among what some affectionately call the “eternal electorate.”

“It’s been a wild year,” said a source close to the project. “But if there’s anything Americans can rely on, it’s that no one, alive or dead, is off the table when it comes to getting out the vote for Trump.”

Some legal experts have questioned the practice, calling it “ethically dubious,” but the GOP has assured voters that their unique approach to turnout is “completely aboveboard.” Party officials were quick to clarify that only the most dedicated departed donors—those who left ample financial legacies and voting patterns—would be honored with such posthumous representation. “This is not about just any deceased individual voting,” said one party representative. “This is about dedicated deceased individuals voting.”

Public reaction to Marcus’s announcement has been mixed, with critics questioning the validity of ghost ballots in a democratic society. But some in the GOP are unfazed, arguing that deceased voter support has long been part of American electoral culture.

“Dead people have been voting in America since the 1800s,” said a GOP strategist. “We’re just elevating the process to match the passion of our most committed supporters. It’s about legacy—real estate, corporate shares, or votes.”

At press time, sources confirmed that the Republican Party is exploring new innovations in posthumous civic engagement, including AI simulations of key deceased supporters.

former President Donald Trump and Senator J.D. Vance held a press conference yesterday to issue a formal apology to the women of America, acknowledging that their previous dismissive comments might have been in poor taste. Both men, however, sheepishly admitted that they simply hadn’t realized women were part of the voter pool.

“Look, in my defense, back when I learned about voting, my mother wasn’t even allowed to vote, and she taught me everything,” Trump explained, gesturing earnestly at the audience. “For years, I thought elections were really a men’s club. I just assumed everyone had to have a 5 o’clock shadow and at least one cigar to participate.”

Senator Vance backed him up, adding, “It’s a common misconception! Nobody told us there were all these new rules about female voters. I mean, when did this happen? 1920? I guess I missed that memo.”

Despite murmurs of disbelief from the press corps, the two went on to double down on their commitment to a new campaign approach: one that would cater more inclusively to women by rolling out policies like “free pink parking spaces” and “50% off brunches on Election Day.” Trump even proposed a special “no-wait” line at voting booths “just for the ladies.”

“I just want all the women to know we’re listening,” Trump insisted. “Starting now. Now that we know you’re, you know, voting.”

Political analysts agree the outreach efforts are historic in their ambition, with plans for both men to meet with a hand-selected panel of women voters — “Real Housewives” stars and a few “charming yet harmless” grandmothers — to gain deeper insights into the female perspective on taxes, foreign policy, and shoe storage.

“I can promise that moving forward, every speech will include at least three references to shopping and spa days,” Vance said proudly. “That’s how serious we are about this.”

Despite the media uproar, the two politicians remain optimistic. “The gals are gonna love this,” Trump assured reporters with a wink. “And I promise: I’ll never ask if they need to speak to a man again.”

Washington, D.C. — As Donald Trump continues his quest to retake the White House, a growing number of Republican staffers are quietly voicing concerns—not about his poll numbers, his legal troubles, or his controversial policies—but about his ability to continue one of his more infamous pastimes: sexually harassing women.

In off-the-record conversations with Fox News, several Republican aides expressed doubts over whether Trump, now in his late 70s, still possesses the physical and cognitive capacity to maintain the same level of inappropriate behavior that defined parts of his 2016 campaign and his time in office.

“There’s just been a lot of chatter about his… stamina,” said one senior GOP staffer. “We need to know if he still has the energy to go after the ‘locker room’ lifestyle that made him a hit with certain sections of our base.”

In recent months, reports from those close to Trump have highlighted what they call his “low-energy approach” to traditional activities, such as awkward handshakes and unsolicited comments about women’s bodies. While some aides have dismissed these as temporary lapses, others are less optimistic.

“The question is, can he still ‘grab ’em’ like he used to? And if not, does that impact his electability?” mused another GOP strategist. “Our voters love him for a lot of reasons, but let’s not forget the Trump brand was built on a certain… audacity. If that fades, what’s left?”

Despite these concerns, Trump’s inner circle insists the former president is as sharp as ever, and even hints that he has been working on “new tactics” to keep his supporters engaged. However, critics argue that certain behaviors can’t be sustained forever, no matter how much one practices in front of the mirror at Mar-a-Lago.

One source noted that the Trump campaign may need to focus on updated messaging if they’re to assure voters that he’s still got the “touch” they remember. “We may have to pivot a little. Maybe something more verbal. The important thing is, he continues to horrify and titillate in ways that matter to the GOP base.”

Whether or not these concerns are warranted remains to be seen, but what’s certain is that Republican staffers are preparing contingency plans. One aide speculated about the possibility of “light harassment” stand-ins during campaign events, while others suggested a return to the “classic” strategies that made Trump a populist hero: insulting opponents and rambling incoherently about things that may or may not exist.

In the meantime, the GOP is holding its breath to see if Trump can bounce back to the form that made him a household name for all the wrong reasons.

As one staffer put it, “He can still run for office, but if he can’t run his hands the way he used to… it’s going to be a tough sell.”

Oklahoma City, OK — Oklahoma’s State Superintendent of Public Instruction, Ryan Walters, known for his recent push to reintroduce the Bible into schools, is now taking his campaign for moral purity to new heights—or rather, new inflatables.

In an unexpected turn during a press conference, Walters unveiled his latest legislative proposal: a requirement that all blow-up sex dolls sold in the state must be official Trump™ Blow-Up Dolls.

“These dolls will be a key component in restoring America’s moral fiber,” said Walters as he stood in front of a podium adorned with miniature flags and a bobblehead of the former president. “If Americans are going to indulge in… intimate activities, they should do so with a figure that stands for greatness, a true American icon—Donald J. Trump.”

The Trump™ Blow-Up Doll, manufactured exclusively by Trump Industries, is a larger-than-life inflatable modeled after the former president himself. Complete with a comb-over made from “genuine imitation hair” and a tie that critics are calling “bizarrely long even for inflatable standards,” the doll has been described as a “patriotic must-have for any God-fearing American.”

Walters emphasized that the doll isn’t just any inflatable, but rather a moral beacon for lost souls. “This is about more than physical pleasure,” he stated, his voice quivering with conviction. “This is about intimacy with America itself. The doll’s sturdy frame and unblinking eyes will remind users of what it means to truly love this country and be loved in return. Nothing says ‘patriotism’ like staring into Donald Trump’s plastic gaze while you… uh, express your freedom.”

As Walters spoke, an overhead projection of the doll was displayed behind him, showing the detailed craftsmanship that went into the design. “It’s anatomically correct in all the right ways,” Walters added with a wink, sending shivers down the spines of anyone still paying attention. “Just imagine cuddling up at night, feeling safe and secure as you gently caress that synthetic, orange-tinted skin. Now that’s what America is about!”

According to Walters, the mandate is meant to “teach values and pride in our country’s greatest leader,” encouraging Americans to “explore the deep bond they have with their nation” while getting cozy with the plastic Trump likeness.

“I want Oklahomans to know what it feels like to embrace greatness,” Walters explained. “To feel secure knowing you’re in the arms of someone who truly understands the art of the deal. To experience the warmth of his smiling face looking down at you as you… embrace your God-given freedoms.”

In addition to its, shall we say, stimulating uses, the Trump™ Blow-Up Doll will come with a voice box pre-loaded with over 1,000 of Trump’s most iconic phrases, including “Fake News,” “China,” and “I’ve done more for this country than anyone else in history.” It also plays a special version of God Bless America for those extra patriotic moments of self-reflection.

Though Walters insists the proposal will instill “true American values,” the initiative has already faced significant backlash from critics who argue that forcing residents to purchase and, um, “interact” with inflatable Trump dolls is “deeply disturbing,” “wildly unnecessary,” and “somehow both unpatriotic and uncomfortable.”

In response, Walters brushed off the criticism. “These are just liberals who don’t understand American tradition,” he said, waving his hand dismissively. “They’re probably too busy snuggling up to their Bill Clinton body pillows to realize what they’re missing.”

As for concerns about consent—mainly, whether or not the doll could consent to such intimate experiences—Walters reassured the public that the Trump doll, “much like the man himself,” is always ready for action. “It’s resilient, folks, believe me,” he stated. “And if there’s one thing we know about Trump, it’s that he can handle anything thrown his way. Or, in this case, anyone.”

In the end, Walters’ goal is simple: he wants every American to feel a deep connection to the former president, quite literally in this case. “We’re not just saving America’s soul here,” he said, gripping a miniature version of the doll in his hands. “We’re giving America a way to feel close to its greatest leader… in ways you never thought possible.”

Oklahoma residents should expect to see these Trump™ Blow-Up Dolls in stores by the end of the year, complete with a MAGA hat, limited-edition tanning lotion, and a waiver form—just in case the experience gets too real.

Ex First Lady Melania Trump has officially declared her support for legalized abortion—but with a catch.

Standing in front of a dramatically oversized portrait of herself in her signature “I don’t really sleep with my husband, do u?” jacket, Melania addressed a small gathering of loyal fans and bewildered reporters at her Florida home, Mar-a-Lago, this past Tuesday.

“For too long, I have stayed silent,” she began, pausing for dramatic effect, as if savoring her moment in the spotlight. “But no more. Today, I announce my support for legalized abortion—under one condition. It should only apply to any porn star my husband might accidentally impregnate during his, how you say, extracurricular activities.”

The room fell into stunned silence, punctuated only by the sound of a bewildered Fox News correspondent dropping his microphone.

Melania continued, seemingly unbothered by the shock her words had induced. “It’s important that we protect the freedom of choice,” she said, “specifically the choice to clean up my husband’s… ‘mistakes.’ After all, these women are professionals, just like my husband claims to be when negotiating deals or, apparently, phone numbers.”

Legal experts have already begun to analyze what this bold new policy could mean for American reproductive rights. Some speculate it could form the basis of a new law dubbed the “Stormy Clause,” a reference to adult film star Stormy Daniels, who famously alleged an affair with Donald Trump in the mid-2000s. Others fear this might lead to a slippery slope where abortion rights are only afforded to “the most well-documented mistresses,” leaving the rest of the country’s women to fend for themselves.

Supporters of Melania’s stance are calling it “pro-life with a loophole.” A growing chorus of conservatives is already hailing her as a “champion of moral compromise.”

“She’s truly thinking outside the box—or at least outside the prenup,” said one Melania supporter, who asked to remain anonymous while hawking “Make Abortions Great Again” hats on eBay.

In typical fashion, former President Donald Trump took to Truth Social to offer his own unique brand of congratulations to his wife.

“Melania, CLASSY move. Some of the best ideas ever come from the women who stand behind me—sometimes in front but usually behind! Incredible woman, incredible timing, great legs! MAGA!”

Critics of the proposal, including feminist groups and almost every woman not married to Donald Trump, are condemning it as both absurd and terrifyingly specific. Planned Parenthood issued a brief statement, saying, “While we appreciate any discussion about reproductive rights, this is not quite what we had in mind.”

In her closing remarks, Melania offered a piece of advice to any future First Ladies who might face similar marital… situations. “When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade,” she said, with a faint smile. “When life gives your husband hush money scandals, you make policy.”

One thing is clear: Melania Trump has found her cause. Whether it will catch on with the broader public remains to be seen, but if nothing else, she’s certainly shaken things up. As one attendee put it: “If you thought 2024 was going to be boring, think again.”

J.D. Vance’s vice presidential campaign team has reportedly decided to substitute Vance with a puppet for the upcoming debate against Tim Walz. The decision, sources say, is aimed at making Vance appear “more relatable and human.”

“We’ve tried everything,” said an anonymous campaign insider. “Coaching, empathy training, even forcing him to binge-watch Ted Lasso. But somehow, voters still say Vance comes off a little too…well, robotic. So, we thought, why not lean into it? Nothing says ‘I’m a real boy’ like an actual puppet.”

The puppet, designed by a team of former Jim Henson workshop employees, is said to have a softer, more approachable demeanor than the human Vance. “We wanted a puppet that exudes warmth and charm but also can recite fiscal policy on command,” said one strategist. “Basically, it’s J.D., but with soul.”

Sources report that the puppet, named “J.D. Junior,” will have realistic human features, except for the visible strings and a permanent smile — a stark contrast to the real Vance, whose default expression has been described by some as “Midwest stoic” and by others as “the look of a man who just remembered he left the stove on.”

“The puppet’s a hit in focus groups,” said the campaign’s lead puppeteer, who is also in charge of making J.D. Junior nod at appropriate moments. “When we tested the puppet against clips of the real Vance, it wasn’t even close. The puppet scored higher on likability, relatability, and, oddly enough, knowledge of the Constitution.”

The idea of using a puppet in political debates is unprecedented, but the Vance campaign is hopeful. “At first we thought this was crazy,” admitted one aide. “But then we realized, we’re living in a world where politicians already act like puppets half the time. Why not make it official?”

Rumors have circulated that the puppet will also be programmed to deliver one-liners and dad jokes to counter Walz’s poised rhetoric. “We’re hoping to get some laughs,” the campaign manager said. “J.D. Junior is designed to blink adorably whenever Kamala says something too serious. And he’s got this little shrug that says, ‘Hey, I’m just a guy trying my best!’ It’s relatable. It’s disarming.”

While critics are skeptical about the move, some say the puppet might be an improvement over the real Vance. “Look, if J.D. can pull this off, he’s a genius,” said one political commentator. “And if he can’t, well, the puppet will at least make great GIFs.”

As for J.D. Vance himself, he’s reportedly fine with the arrangement. “If it helps me win,” he said, “I’m all in. Plus, the puppet version of me never needs to go to the bathroom, so that’s a plus for long debates.”

The world will be watching on Tuesday to see if J.D. Junior can charm the electorate — or at the very least, make fewer awkward pauses than the original model.

Senator J.D. Vance has announced that henceforth, he will only deliver his campaign speeches while hiding behind bushes. The decision, Vance explained at a press conference (from behind a row of expertly trimmed hedges), is part of an effort to “come off as less creepy” to the American public.

“Look, I’m a reasonable guy,” Vance said, his disembodied voice carrying from the shrubs. “I know my appearance can be, let’s say, unsettling to some people. I get it—there’s something about the way I stare unblinkingly into the souls of my constituents. So why not just remove myself from sight? What better way to do that than with foliage?”

Leaves of Change

The strategy, dubbed “Operation Hide and Speak,” is already in full swing. Campaign staff have been instructed to plant decorative bushes at every town hall, fundraiser, and diner Vance visits. Early prototypes included a pair of geraniums and some ferns, but Vance quickly gravitated toward denser shrubbery like boxwoods and junipers for “maximum concealment.”

Political experts are divided on the move. “It’s unconventional, but it may actually work,” said Mary Greenfield, a political consultant. “When people don’t have to see his face, they might focus more on his words—though, unfortunately, that could make things worse.”

Criticism from Opponents

Vance’s political opponents, however, have seized the opportunity to poke fun. “J.D. Vance hiding behind bushes? That’s the most relatable thing he’s ever done,” quipped one Ohio politician. “At least now, he’s showing us exactly where his policies are coming from—deep within a bush of nonsense.”

The Great Debate: Fern or Foliage?

Insiders close to the Vance campaign say there has been considerable debate over which specific plants to use in different situations. For formal speeches, dense evergreens provide optimal coverage, while town halls will feature “a more approachable hedge,” likely a low-maintenance variety of holly. “We’re even considering some potted palms for campaign stops in warmer states,” a campaign aide said. “Nothing too tropical, though—he doesn’t want to look out of place. Just a man and his bush, trying to connect with the people.”

The strategy is already showing results. Polls indicate that Ohio residents are “marginally less creeped out” by Vance’s presence behind greenery. “He’s still a little weird,” said one voter at a recent rally, squinting into the underbrush, “but at least I don’t have to stare directly at him.”

Bush-Based Solutions

For his part, Vance remains optimistic. “Look, America is a divided country,” he said, briefly poking his head out from a forsythia bush before retreating back in. “Some of us are scared of creepy stares; some of us are scared of Washington elites. I’m offering a third option: be scared of a politician hiding in a bush. It’s progress.”

As the elections approach, one thing is clear—whether lurking behind a ficus or buried in the branches of a spruce, J.D. Vance is committed to running his campaign from the shadows. Quite literally.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has declared a “State of Emergency” for his rapidly sinking poll numbers. The announcement came during a hastily organized press conference in front of a deflating “DeSantis 2024” banner, where the governor reassured the public that his administration is fully prepared to “combat the poll disaster with the same vigor we handle hurricanes, and by that, I mean we’ll definitely need FEMA’s help.”

With a straight face, DeSantis outlined his emergency plan. “We are deploying every available resource: yard signs, Twitter bots, and a new round of commercials showing me yelling at Disney World employees. This is a code red situation. We can’t let the American people think I’m losing to, well, anyone.”

State Resources Activated

The governor confirmed that all hands are on deck. The Florida National Guard has been put on standby, ready to hand out Ron DeSantis bumper stickers at Walmart parking lots statewide. “In case of a further dip, we may resort to extreme measures, like showing me in cowboy boots wrestling an alligator, or maybe just…smiling,” DeSantis said, with a brief look of terror at the thought.

Additionally, FEMA (the Florida Emergency Media Advisors) has been tasked with controlling the “optics crisis” by editing footage of DeSantis’ recent speeches, splicing in clips of crowds from popular rock concerts to give the illusion of enthusiastic support.

Response from the Campaign

Inside sources report that the DeSantis campaign is working around the clock to “stabilize the situation.” One staffer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, “We’re launching our new ‘Keep Florida Ron’ campaign, which consists of us convincing Floridians that Florida itself will fall into the ocean if DeSantis isn’t elected. It’s our most ambitious fearmongering yet.”

In a bold PR strategy, DeSantis’ campaign has also partnered with Elon Musk to create a pollster-free zone on Twitter (recently rebranded as “X”). Musk expressed full support for the governor, stating, “I’ve already blocked all mentions of the words ‘polls,’ ‘approval,’ and ‘Trump’ from trending. I mean, what even is a poll if you’re living in a simulation?”

Competitors React

The news of DeSantis’ poll-based emergency has sparked responses from his Republican rivals. Former President Donald Trump, whose poll numbers remain strong, took to Truth Social to say, “Weak numbers from Ron DeSanctus! Sad! His numbers are lower than his energy. He needs me, believe me!” Trump also hinted at sending relief efforts, including pallets of his “Trump 2024” hats, in what experts call “a friendly act of trolling.”

Nikki Haley, meanwhile, responded with a tweet: “Ron, I told you to stick to attacking woke school curriculums, not Mickey Mouse! #RookieMistake.”

Governor Holds Firm

DeSantis ended the press conference with optimism, claiming, “We’ve seen storms like this before in Florida. Polls come and go, but what really matters is that I’m still on Fox News a lot.” He then boarded a helicopter, destined to survey the political damage from Tallahassee to Mar-a-Lago, while urging Floridians to “stay safe, and keep polling in my favor.”