Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has allegedly hired a crack team of street hypnotists to perform the ultimate act of political magic: making voters forget he ever ran for president.

Sources close to the RFK Jr. campaign (a guy named Steve with a trench coat and too much cologne) say that since Kennedy has been unsuccessful in trying to remove himself from several ballots, it’s come to this.

Enter The Enforcers of Amnesia, a group of self-proclaimed “hypnotic artisans” who normally perform at birthday parties, Renaissance fairs, and sketchy magic conventions. But now, they have a new mission: stand on street corners in swing states and whisper soft incantations to passerby like, “You never saw his name on the ballot… You feel the urge to vote for someone with more vowels in their name… Also, maybe go vegan?”

“I was just walking my dog when this guy with a top hat told me to look into his pocket watch,” said one confused voter in Ohio. “Next thing I know, I’m not sure if I’m voting for president or taking a nap.”

The plan, while odd, seems to be working in unexpected ways. Polls show a sharp increase in voters scratching their heads at voting booths and muttering, “Wait, who’s running again? I thought we were still debating if Ross Perot was coming back.”

Some have criticized the move as undemocratic, while others find it oddly refreshing. “Honestly, I’d rather forget most of these candidates anyway,” said one voter in Florida. “If someone’s gonna wave a shiny object in front of my face and tell me to forget the election ever happened, I might just consider it a favor.”

When reached for comment, the RFK Jr. campaign denied any involvement with hypnotism. “We would never stoop to such tactics,” said a spokesperson while conspicuously fiddling with a deck of playing cards and murmuring something about ‘deep sleep.’ “But if anyone did forget about RFK Jr.’s campaign, well… that’s probably for the best.”

As election day approaches, reports of citizens gazing blankly into mirrors and mumbling “RFK… RF-what?” are spreading. Meanwhile, the nation’s top street hypnotists have never been busier. Coincidence? Hypnotists everywhere hope you won’t remember to find out.

Somewhere in Ohio— As the campaign trail blazes on, there is one man who finds himself with an abundance of time to ponder the future—a future that includes, in his wildest dreams, the vice presidency of the United States. That man is J.D. Vance, the best-selling author, senator, and Hillbilly Elegy scribe, who has found himself on a peculiar journey through the heartland of America. But it’s not the long hours of speeches or the grueling debates that have him thinking about what his future might hold. No, it’s something far more profound: the tragic solitude of eating lunch alone.

Day after day, as the campaign bus rolls into small towns and big cities alike, Vance’s teammates—er, fellow candidates—unfailingly drift toward what can only be described as “the cool table.” You know the one. It’s where the political powerhouses and social media savants gather, exchanging quips, passing around Twitter trends like secret notes in high school, and comparing how many retweets they got on their latest zinger aimed at the other party.

And then there’s Vance.

As the others laugh and joke, Vance trudges over to the loneliest corner of the campaign cafeteria, tray in hand, a sad ham sandwich and a juice box his only companions. Sure, he’s got a lot on his mind—like how he’ll redecorate the vice presidential residence (does IKEA do official government decor?) or what kind of slogan will look best on a bumper sticker (“Make Hillbilly Great Again” has a certain ring to it). But there’s something distinctly unappetizing about dining in solitude, especially when the smell of camaraderie (and someone else’s Chick-fil-A) wafts through the air.

It’s not that Vance doesn’t try. He approaches the cool table, perhaps thinking, “Today’s the day I’ll be invited to sit with them.” But just as he opens his mouth to offer a tentative “Hey, mind if I join—”, the table suddenly gets crowded. Campaign managers appear out of thin air, pollsters materialize from the ether, and suddenly there’s just no room. “So sorry, J.D.,” someone mutters, not even glancing up from their quinoa salad.

Dejected but determined, Vance slinks back to his solo seat, using the time to ruminate on important matters. Like what exactly he’ll do when he becomes vice president. Will he reinvent the office? Will he use his alone time to mastermind policy? Will he ensure that no American, especially not a vice presidential candidate, ever has to eat lunch alone again?

But most importantly, will he finally get to sit at the cool table?

As the campaign rolls on, and the vice-presidential hopeful continues his solitary lunches, one can’t help but admire his tenacity. It takes a special kind of resilience to keep showing up, day after day, sandwich in hand, without even a single pity invite. If there’s one thing this campaign has taught J.D. Vance, it’s that you don’t need a lunch buddy to dream big.

But a few extra friends wouldn’t hurt either.

Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a move that has left legal experts scrambling for words, former President Donald Trump held a press conference today to declare that all charges against him should be dropped on the grounds of “absolute and total insanity.”

Flanked by his legal team, who appeared to be alternating between nervous sweating and attempting to hide their smirks, Trump made his case with the same bravado that marked his time in office. “They say I’m unfit to stand trial. I say, look, I’m the most unfit person you’ve ever seen! They tell me I might be crazy, and I say, I am crazy—crazy like a fox! But also like a guy who should not be tried for any of this stuff.”

The former president, who has often bragged about his “very good brain,” now claims that his intellect is so advanced, it has veered into the territory of complete and utter lunacy. “People say I’m a genius. Some people even say I’m the best genius. But it’s too much. I’m so smart, it’s driven me mad. How can you put a mad genius on trial? It’s not fair, folks. It’s a disgrace.”

Trump’s legal team, led by Rudy Giuliani, who wore a straightjacket-themed tie for the occasion, elaborated on the defense strategy. “Our client, Mr. Trump, has demonstrated time and again that his behavior is beyond the comprehension of any reasonable person. His tweets alone are evidence of a mind that cannot be judged by conventional legal standards.”

To bolster their case, the Trump team presented a series of “exhibits” that they claimed demonstrated his insanity. These included:

• A golden toilet installed at Mar-a-Lago that Trump reportedly talks to for advice on international diplomacy.
• A life-size cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton that Trump regularly yells at during staff meetings.
• A collection of classified documents stored in a room labeled “Super Secret Do Not Open” that Trump insists are actually “love letters” from Kim Jong-un.

The legal team’s argument hinges on the idea that Trump’s behavior has been so erratic, so unhinged, that no rational jury could possibly convict him. “He’s been impeached twice, indicted multiple times, and yet, he keeps running for president. If that’s not proof of insanity, I don’t know what is,” said Giuliani, who then attempted to drink from an invisible glass before being gently corrected by an aide.

Trump himself seemed confident in his new defense. “Look, they said I colluded with Russia. Then they said I tried to overthrow the government. Now they say I’m insane. And you know what? They’re right! I’m completely out of my mind, and that’s why this whole thing should be thrown out. It’s just common sense.”

Reaction to Trump’s claim has been mixed. Some legal analysts suggest that the insanity defense might actually be his best shot, while others note that it’s a strategy usually reserved for those who are, well, insane. Meanwhile, late-night hosts have reportedly hired additional writing staff to keep up with the onslaught of material.

As for the American public, opinions are divided. Some supporters argue that this is just another example of Trump’s “genius” at work, turning the legal system on its head. Others are just hoping that this latest twist will somehow involve a giant rubber chicken.

Regardless of how the courts respond, one thing is certain: The spectacle surrounding Donald Trump shows no sign of slowing down. Whether he’s a madman or a mad genius, the world will be watching to see what he does next—possibly from behind padded walls.

Arlington, VA — In an event that will surely go down in history as one of the most surreal and controversial moments of the 2024 campaign trail, former President Donald Trump’s attempt to commemorate the third anniversary of the tragic attack in Afghanistan was abruptly interrupted by an unexpected and unprecedented protest. As Trump stood solemnly for a photo opportunity in Section 60 of Arlington National Cemetery on Monday, a loud rumbling sound echoed through the cemetery grounds, as if the earth itself was groaning under the weight of the moment.

Eyewitnesses report that the noise was followed by the unmistakable sight of over 400,000 deceased soldiers rolling over in their graves. The simultaneous collective movement of those who had sacrificed their lives for their country sent shockwaves — both literal and metaphorical — through the cemetery, effectively putting an end to what was quickly becoming another Trumpian spectacle.

Trump, ever the showman, was unfazed. “See? They’re all so excited to see me that they’re rolling in their graves!” he quipped, mistaking the supernatural phenomenon for a positive reception. “These soldiers know a winner when they see one. They all would have voted for me, and you’ll be surprised when they do on election day!” he added, alluding to his belief that the support from beyond the grave might just tip the scales in his favor.

The former president’s bravado was momentarily interrupted when two of his campaign staffers got into a heated altercation with an Arlington staffer who was trying to enforce federal law. The staffer, who reminded the Trump team that Section 60 — the burial ground for those who died in Iraq and Afghanistan — was off-limits for campaign activities, was met with hostility. The scuffle, which included both verbal and physical exchanges, only added to the circus-like atmosphere of the occasion.

Trump’s campaign had reportedly planned to capture the moment on film, but federal law strictly prohibits the use of military cemeteries for campaign events. When this fact was pointed out, Trump was said to have remarked, “These laws are made by people who’ve never won an election. Believe me, these soldiers love me, even though some people say they’re suckers. They would’ve given anything to see me here, and now they’re showing their appreciation.”

In the hours following the incident, Trump took to his preferred platform, Truth Social, to spin the event in his favor. “The FAKE NEWS media is going to say these great soldiers rolling in their graves is a BAD thing! But it’s the biggest honor they can give me — proving even in death, they support me! Sad to see the Democrats trying to stop them from voting for me in 2024!” he posted.

Backlash has been swift and severe, with many accusing Trump of using the fallen heroes as props for a political stunt. Veterans groups have condemned the event, calling it “disrespectful” and “a new low.” Some have even pointed out the irony that Trump, who once infamously referred to fallen soldiers as “losers,” would now claim their support.

As Arlington Cemetery staff work to restore calm and dignity to the hallowed grounds, one thing is certain: even the dead can’t escape the theatrics of a Trump campaign. And as for Trump, he’s already planning his next move — perhaps a séance with George Washington, whom he’s confident would’ve endorsed him, too.

New York, NY — In a surprising twist of linguistic dexterity, several Fox News hosts have assured their viewers that any controversial comments they’ve made—whether it be about misogyny, homophobia, or other sensitive topics—should be understood in their original German context.

Jesse Watters, the anchor known for his no-holds-barred commentary, took to the airwaves Monday night to defend his recent remarks that sparked outrage. “I understand that some of my words might have ruffled a few feathers,” Watters began, leaning into the camera with his signature smirk. “But let’s not forget that when you hear these comments in the original German, they sound so much more poetic. You know, German has a way of making even the most controversial ideas sound, well, almost operatic.”

Watters, who has recently been spotted leafing through a German-English dictionary on set, suggested that critics were simply not cultured enough to appreciate the nuances of the language. “I mean, have you heard the way the Germans talk about societal hierarchies? It’s practically an art form.”

But Watters wasn’t the only one singing the praises of the German language. Several of his current and ex-Fox News colleagues quickly rallied to his defense. Tucker Carlson, who has long been accused of reviving certain 20th-century European ideologies, chuckled at the backlash. “Look, the fact is, we can’t be held responsible for ideas and opinions that are nearly 80 years old,” Carlson quipped. “We’re just reinterpreting them for a modern audience. It’s like a classic novel—you wouldn’t criticize someone for reading Dostoevsky just because the guy was a bit dark, right?”

Carlson went on to argue that context is everything. “You have to consider the times in which these ideas were first expressed,” he explained. “Back then, things were different. People had, shall we say, stronger opinions about the roles of men and women, and, well, other groups. We’re just preserving that historical perspective, like good stewards of tradition.”

Laura Ingraham, another Fox News veteran, chimed in as well. “Frankly, if our viewers don’t understand the beauty of these ideas in their original language, maybe it’s time they broaden their horizons,” she said, sipping what appeared to be a stein of beer on her set decorated with a Bavarian flag. “We’re not saying these ideas are right for today’s world, but, you know, you can’t just erase history. And sometimes, history sounds better in German.”

The network has since announced plans to offer a “Fox News Kultur” segment, where controversial commentary will be translated into German for a more “elevated” discussion. “Viewers can expect a lot more nuance,” Watters promised. “And maybe a few umlauts.”

The response from the public has been mixed. Some viewers are embracing the linguistic experiment, purchasing Rosetta Stone’s German package in hopes of better understanding their favorite hosts. Others remain unconvinced, arguing that a hateful idea, no matter how well-articulated in another language, is still a hateful idea.

Fox News, however, remains unfazed. “This is just another example of us leading the cultural conversation,” said CEO Lachlan Murdoch. “Whether it’s in English, German, or any other language, we’re proud to keep the spirit of debate alive—whatever century it might be from.”