Arlington, VA — In an event that will surely go down in history as one of the most surreal and controversial moments of the 2024 campaign trail, former President Donald Trump’s attempt to commemorate the third anniversary of the tragic attack in Afghanistan was abruptly interrupted by an unexpected and unprecedented protest. As Trump stood solemnly for a photo opportunity in Section 60 of Arlington National Cemetery on Monday, a loud rumbling sound echoed through the cemetery grounds, as if the earth itself was groaning under the weight of the moment.

Eyewitnesses report that the noise was followed by the unmistakable sight of over 400,000 deceased soldiers rolling over in their graves. The simultaneous collective movement of those who had sacrificed their lives for their country sent shockwaves — both literal and metaphorical — through the cemetery, effectively putting an end to what was quickly becoming another Trumpian spectacle.

Trump, ever the showman, was unfazed. “See? They’re all so excited to see me that they’re rolling in their graves!” he quipped, mistaking the supernatural phenomenon for a positive reception. “These soldiers know a winner when they see one. They all would have voted for me, and you’ll be surprised when they do on election day!” he added, alluding to his belief that the support from beyond the grave might just tip the scales in his favor.

The former president’s bravado was momentarily interrupted when two of his campaign staffers got into a heated altercation with an Arlington staffer who was trying to enforce federal law. The staffer, who reminded the Trump team that Section 60 — the burial ground for those who died in Iraq and Afghanistan — was off-limits for campaign activities, was met with hostility. The scuffle, which included both verbal and physical exchanges, only added to the circus-like atmosphere of the occasion.

Trump’s campaign had reportedly planned to capture the moment on film, but federal law strictly prohibits the use of military cemeteries for campaign events. When this fact was pointed out, Trump was said to have remarked, “These laws are made by people who’ve never won an election. Believe me, these soldiers love me, even though some people say they’re suckers. They would’ve given anything to see me here, and now they’re showing their appreciation.”

In the hours following the incident, Trump took to his preferred platform, Truth Social, to spin the event in his favor. “The FAKE NEWS media is going to say these great soldiers rolling in their graves is a BAD thing! But it’s the biggest honor they can give me — proving even in death, they support me! Sad to see the Democrats trying to stop them from voting for me in 2024!” he posted.

Backlash has been swift and severe, with many accusing Trump of using the fallen heroes as props for a political stunt. Veterans groups have condemned the event, calling it “disrespectful” and “a new low.” Some have even pointed out the irony that Trump, who once infamously referred to fallen soldiers as “losers,” would now claim their support.

As Arlington Cemetery staff work to restore calm and dignity to the hallowed grounds, one thing is certain: even the dead can’t escape the theatrics of a Trump campaign. And as for Trump, he’s already planning his next move — perhaps a séance with George Washington, whom he’s confident would’ve endorsed him, too.

New York, NY — In a surprising twist of linguistic dexterity, several Fox News hosts have assured their viewers that any controversial comments they’ve made—whether it be about misogyny, homophobia, or other sensitive topics—should be understood in their original German context.

Jesse Watters, the anchor known for his no-holds-barred commentary, took to the airwaves Monday night to defend his recent remarks that sparked outrage. “I understand that some of my words might have ruffled a few feathers,” Watters began, leaning into the camera with his signature smirk. “But let’s not forget that when you hear these comments in the original German, they sound so much more poetic. You know, German has a way of making even the most controversial ideas sound, well, almost operatic.”

Watters, who has recently been spotted leafing through a German-English dictionary on set, suggested that critics were simply not cultured enough to appreciate the nuances of the language. “I mean, have you heard the way the Germans talk about societal hierarchies? It’s practically an art form.”

But Watters wasn’t the only one singing the praises of the German language. Several of his current and ex-Fox News colleagues quickly rallied to his defense. Tucker Carlson, who has long been accused of reviving certain 20th-century European ideologies, chuckled at the backlash. “Look, the fact is, we can’t be held responsible for ideas and opinions that are nearly 80 years old,” Carlson quipped. “We’re just reinterpreting them for a modern audience. It’s like a classic novel—you wouldn’t criticize someone for reading Dostoevsky just because the guy was a bit dark, right?”

Carlson went on to argue that context is everything. “You have to consider the times in which these ideas were first expressed,” he explained. “Back then, things were different. People had, shall we say, stronger opinions about the roles of men and women, and, well, other groups. We’re just preserving that historical perspective, like good stewards of tradition.”

Laura Ingraham, another Fox News veteran, chimed in as well. “Frankly, if our viewers don’t understand the beauty of these ideas in their original language, maybe it’s time they broaden their horizons,” she said, sipping what appeared to be a stein of beer on her set decorated with a Bavarian flag. “We’re not saying these ideas are right for today’s world, but, you know, you can’t just erase history. And sometimes, history sounds better in German.”

The network has since announced plans to offer a “Fox News Kultur” segment, where controversial commentary will be translated into German for a more “elevated” discussion. “Viewers can expect a lot more nuance,” Watters promised. “And maybe a few umlauts.”

The response from the public has been mixed. Some viewers are embracing the linguistic experiment, purchasing Rosetta Stone’s German package in hopes of better understanding their favorite hosts. Others remain unconvinced, arguing that a hateful idea, no matter how well-articulated in another language, is still a hateful idea.

Fox News, however, remains unfazed. “This is just another example of us leading the cultural conversation,” said CEO Lachlan Murdoch. “Whether it’s in English, German, or any other language, we’re proud to keep the spirit of debate alive—whatever century it might be from.”

In what can only be described as a tragic defeat for the pillow tycoon turned political crusader, Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow, was recently caught on camera losing a tussle with a 12-year-old child at the Democratic National Convention (DNC). But while the liberal media has been quick to air the footage of this humiliating loss on an endless loop, there’s another story they’re conveniently ignoring: the one where Lindell allegedly “completely destroyed” a 6-year-old girl in a parking lot showdown over a Taylor Swift song.

Sporting a freshly shaved upper lip in what can only be described as the most dedicated (and ill-conceived) attempt at going undercover since Clark Kent, Lindell was reportedly on a mission to deliver “undercover footage” for his conservative news website, FrankSpeech. Instead, he found himself locked in combat with a pint-sized progressive who was clearly too much for the pillow salesman to handle.

But Lindell isn’t taking the loss lying down. “Everyone’s talking about how I got taken down by that 12-year-old,” he said in a statement released exclusively to FrankSpeech. “But no one is talking about how I made that 6-year-old girl cry in the parking lot. I destroyed her! She was sobbing! Where’s CNN on that one? Where’s MSNBC? All they want to show is that I lost to some kid. But you didn’t see the look on that little girl’s face when I told her ‘You Belong With Me’ was garbage. She didn’t stand a chance!”

According to witnesses, the altercation began when Lindell overheard the young girl singing along to Taylor Swift’s hit song, “Shake It Off.” Apparently incensed by her innocent joy, Lindell confronted the child, launching into a tirade about the “decline of American values” and how “real music died with The Monkees.” When the girl tearfully tried to defend her favorite pop star, Lindell reportedly went for the jugular, declaring that “You Belong With Me” was an affront to the concept of true love, sending the 6-year-old into a fit of tears.

While the mainstream media continues to focus on his defeat at the hands of a preteen at the DNC, Lindell insists that the real story is his “crushing victory” over a first grader. “This is classic media bias,” Lindell said, shaking his mustache-less face in disbelief. “I take down a 6-year-old Swiftie and no one cares. But I lose to a 12-year-old and suddenly it’s news? I’ve never seen such a blatant cover-up.”

Lindell’s latest stunt has sparked a wave of reactions from across the political spectrum. Matt Walsh, another right-wing personality with a flair for controversial takes, was quick to offer his support. “The real issue here is how the left is silencing our victories,” Walsh said on his podcast. “First, they come for our mustaches, then they ignore our triumphs over toddlers. This is what cancel culture looks like.”

Meanwhile, Taylor Swift has remained notably silent on the matter, perhaps too busy shaking off the absurdity of it all to comment. As for the 6-year-old girl, sources say she’s recovering from the traumatic experience with the help of some ice cream and a comforting playlist of “Fearless” and “Red.”

In the end, while the liberal media continues to air Lindell’s DNC defeat on a loop, the pillow mogul is left wondering why no one seems to care about his one-man war on Swifties. “I just want the truth out there,” Lindell said, his voice cracking slightly. “That little girl never stood a chance.”

But in a world where a 12-year-old can best a grown man with ease, perhaps it’s time for Lindell to rethink his strategy—or at least pick on someone his own size.

“If I haven’t seen my own penis in six years, there’s no way he could have.”

Palm Beach, FL – Former President Donald Trump is reportedly livid after a recent joke made by Barack Obama about his supposed inability to see his own penis, leading to an uncharacteristically personal feud between the two former commanders-in-chief.

The controversy began when Obama, speaking at the DNC made an offhand quip about Trump’s physical condition. But the joke quickly made its way to Trump, who was anything but amused.

In a furious response, Trump took to Truth Social to blast Obama. “That’s a disgusting, nasty lie from a failed president! He has no idea what he’s talking about. I see everything just fine. Everything!” Trump wrote, adding, “And for the record, it’s tremendous. The best. People are always saying so.”

Trump’s anger only intensified when he learned that Obama’s joke had gone viral, with hashtags like #TrumpSize trending on social media. According to insiders, Trump spent hours angrily scrolling through his feed, muttering about how “unfair” and “mean” the whole thing was.

Trump admitted it had been a few years since he’s actually seen his own penis but recalled what it looked like and the area he saw it last. “Things have been a bit quiet since we lost Epstein, but once I feel the country I feel things will start right back up again.”

In a bizarre twist that only George Santos could deliver, the former Congressman from New York’s 3rd District is reportedly set to plead guilty to federal charges today. But there’s a catch—Santos has informed prosecutors that they might have a tough time seeing him in court. Why? Because, according to him, he’s now invisible.

Yes, you read that right. The same George Santos who once claimed to have graduated from universities he never attended, worked at companies that never employed him, and even concocted an entire life story that would make a Hollywood screenwriter blush, is now adding a new chapter to his fantastical tale: invisibility.

“How can they prosecute someone they can’t see?” Santos reportedly said in a statement released by his office, which is still somehow operational despite his dramatic expulsion from Congress last year. “I’ve always been transparent—literally, as of now.”

The expected plea would mark the end of a nearly two-year saga that began with Santos’s successful bid for Congress, where he managed to convince voters he was the perfect candidate for New York’s 3rd Congressional District. It wasn’t until after he won the seat that the truth—or lack thereof—about his resume started to unravel, leading to federal charges including wire fraud, money laundering, and making false statements.

After his removal from Congress, Santos maintained his innocence, at least until recently when rumors began circulating that he would be changing his plea. However, this latest claim of invisibility has thrown the legal community into a tailspin.

Legal experts are scratching their heads over how to handle the situation. “If Santos is indeed invisible, it presents a unique challenge for the judicial process,” said one baffled attorney. “We’ve never had to question a defendant who could be standing right in front of us—or not.”

Meanwhile, US District Judge Joanna Seybert, who is presiding over the case in the Eastern District of New York, has reportedly ordered a full investigation into the claim. Sources close to the court say that a team of top scientists is being assembled to determine the veracity of Santos’s newfound invisibility—an assignment they’re approaching with a mix of skepticism and sheer bewilderment.

As for Santos, he’s sticking to his story. “They can’t convict what they can’t see,” he added in his statement, with what one can only imagine was a wink—or at least the ghost of one. “I’ve always been one step ahead of the game, and now I’m out of sight.”

Prosecutors, for their part, are not amused. “This is just another attempt by Mr. Santos to evade justice,” one source close to the case remarked. “Whether he’s visible or not, we’re determined to hold him accountable.”

As the nation waits for the next chapter in the George Santos saga, one thing is clear: in the world of George Santos, the line between reality and fiction has long since disappeared—much like, apparently, the man himself.

In a recent press conference that left the nation scratching its collective head, Senator J.D. Vance made an impassioned plea for the American public to stop comparing him to himself. The Ohio senator, known for his ever-shifting positions and baffling public statements, expressed frustration that the media and the public insist on holding him accountable for the words and actions of “a past version of me.”

“Look, everyone knows J.D. Vance is a bit of a loon,” Vance declared, pounding the podium for emphasis. “But that doesn’t mean I should be constantly compared to the guy who said or did those things! It’s unfair and frankly, it’s starting to feel like a witch hunt.”

Vance went on to explain that while he respects J.D. Vance, he’s grown weary of the constant comparisons. “Sure, I share his name, his face, and his penchant for contradictory statements, but that doesn’t mean we’re the same person. People evolve! Just because I said something ridiculous last year—or last week—doesn’t mean I would say the exact same thing today.”

When asked to clarify how, exactly, he differs from the J.D. Vance everyone remembers, the senator was quick to point out the nuances. “That J.D. Vance had different priorities. He was more concerned with, I don’t know, whatever it was he was saying back then. Today’s J.D. Vance is focused on what’s important now, and it’s time people started recognizing that distinction.”

Vance’s complaints have garnered mixed reactions. Some supporters have praised his courage in standing up to, well, himself, while others are just as confused as ever. “It’s like trying to figure out which Spider-Man is the real one,” said one bewildered voter. “But with less web-slinging and more head-scratching.”

Notably, the senator has also started a petition to officially separate himself from his past self, proposing a “Statute of Limitations on Self-Comparison” that would prevent the media from bringing up any statements he made before last Thursday.

“It’s time to let J.D. Vance be the J.D. Vance of today, not the J.D. Vance of yesterday,” he concluded, before adding, “And for the record, that’s not something the old J.D. Vance would say. I think.”

In response to this newfound identity crisis, J.D. Vance’s former self was unavailable for comment, presumably because he was too busy being J.D. Vance.