In what can only be described as a tragic defeat for the pillow tycoon turned political crusader, Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow, was recently caught on camera losing a tussle with a 12-year-old child at the Democratic National Convention (DNC). But while the liberal media has been quick to air the footage of this humiliating loss on an endless loop, there’s another story they’re conveniently ignoring: the one where Lindell allegedly “completely destroyed” a 6-year-old girl in a parking lot showdown over a Taylor Swift song.

Sporting a freshly shaved upper lip in what can only be described as the most dedicated (and ill-conceived) attempt at going undercover since Clark Kent, Lindell was reportedly on a mission to deliver “undercover footage” for his conservative news website, FrankSpeech. Instead, he found himself locked in combat with a pint-sized progressive who was clearly too much for the pillow salesman to handle.

But Lindell isn’t taking the loss lying down. “Everyone’s talking about how I got taken down by that 12-year-old,” he said in a statement released exclusively to FrankSpeech. “But no one is talking about how I made that 6-year-old girl cry in the parking lot. I destroyed her! She was sobbing! Where’s CNN on that one? Where’s MSNBC? All they want to show is that I lost to some kid. But you didn’t see the look on that little girl’s face when I told her ‘You Belong With Me’ was garbage. She didn’t stand a chance!”

According to witnesses, the altercation began when Lindell overheard the young girl singing along to Taylor Swift’s hit song, “Shake It Off.” Apparently incensed by her innocent joy, Lindell confronted the child, launching into a tirade about the “decline of American values” and how “real music died with The Monkees.” When the girl tearfully tried to defend her favorite pop star, Lindell reportedly went for the jugular, declaring that “You Belong With Me” was an affront to the concept of true love, sending the 6-year-old into a fit of tears.

While the mainstream media continues to focus on his defeat at the hands of a preteen at the DNC, Lindell insists that the real story is his “crushing victory” over a first grader. “This is classic media bias,” Lindell said, shaking his mustache-less face in disbelief. “I take down a 6-year-old Swiftie and no one cares. But I lose to a 12-year-old and suddenly it’s news? I’ve never seen such a blatant cover-up.”

Lindell’s latest stunt has sparked a wave of reactions from across the political spectrum. Matt Walsh, another right-wing personality with a flair for controversial takes, was quick to offer his support. “The real issue here is how the left is silencing our victories,” Walsh said on his podcast. “First, they come for our mustaches, then they ignore our triumphs over toddlers. This is what cancel culture looks like.”

Meanwhile, Taylor Swift has remained notably silent on the matter, perhaps too busy shaking off the absurdity of it all to comment. As for the 6-year-old girl, sources say she’s recovering from the traumatic experience with the help of some ice cream and a comforting playlist of “Fearless” and “Red.”

In the end, while the liberal media continues to air Lindell’s DNC defeat on a loop, the pillow mogul is left wondering why no one seems to care about his one-man war on Swifties. “I just want the truth out there,” Lindell said, his voice cracking slightly. “That little girl never stood a chance.”

But in a world where a 12-year-old can best a grown man with ease, perhaps it’s time for Lindell to rethink his strategy—or at least pick on someone his own size.

“If I haven’t seen my own penis in six years, there’s no way he could have.”

Palm Beach, FL – Former President Donald Trump is reportedly livid after a recent joke made by Barack Obama about his supposed inability to see his own penis, leading to an uncharacteristically personal feud between the two former commanders-in-chief.

The controversy began when Obama, speaking at the DNC made an offhand quip about Trump’s physical condition. But the joke quickly made its way to Trump, who was anything but amused.

In a furious response, Trump took to Truth Social to blast Obama. “That’s a disgusting, nasty lie from a failed president! He has no idea what he’s talking about. I see everything just fine. Everything!” Trump wrote, adding, “And for the record, it’s tremendous. The best. People are always saying so.”

Trump’s anger only intensified when he learned that Obama’s joke had gone viral, with hashtags like #TrumpSize trending on social media. According to insiders, Trump spent hours angrily scrolling through his feed, muttering about how “unfair” and “mean” the whole thing was.

Trump admitted it had been a few years since he’s actually seen his own penis but recalled what it looked like and the area he saw it last. “Things have been a bit quiet since we lost Epstein, but once I feel the country I feel things will start right back up again.”

In a bizarre twist that only George Santos could deliver, the former Congressman from New York’s 3rd District is reportedly set to plead guilty to federal charges today. But there’s a catch—Santos has informed prosecutors that they might have a tough time seeing him in court. Why? Because, according to him, he’s now invisible.

Yes, you read that right. The same George Santos who once claimed to have graduated from universities he never attended, worked at companies that never employed him, and even concocted an entire life story that would make a Hollywood screenwriter blush, is now adding a new chapter to his fantastical tale: invisibility.

“How can they prosecute someone they can’t see?” Santos reportedly said in a statement released by his office, which is still somehow operational despite his dramatic expulsion from Congress last year. “I’ve always been transparent—literally, as of now.”

The expected plea would mark the end of a nearly two-year saga that began with Santos’s successful bid for Congress, where he managed to convince voters he was the perfect candidate for New York’s 3rd Congressional District. It wasn’t until after he won the seat that the truth—or lack thereof—about his resume started to unravel, leading to federal charges including wire fraud, money laundering, and making false statements.

After his removal from Congress, Santos maintained his innocence, at least until recently when rumors began circulating that he would be changing his plea. However, this latest claim of invisibility has thrown the legal community into a tailspin.

Legal experts are scratching their heads over how to handle the situation. “If Santos is indeed invisible, it presents a unique challenge for the judicial process,” said one baffled attorney. “We’ve never had to question a defendant who could be standing right in front of us—or not.”

Meanwhile, US District Judge Joanna Seybert, who is presiding over the case in the Eastern District of New York, has reportedly ordered a full investigation into the claim. Sources close to the court say that a team of top scientists is being assembled to determine the veracity of Santos’s newfound invisibility—an assignment they’re approaching with a mix of skepticism and sheer bewilderment.

As for Santos, he’s sticking to his story. “They can’t convict what they can’t see,” he added in his statement, with what one can only imagine was a wink—or at least the ghost of one. “I’ve always been one step ahead of the game, and now I’m out of sight.”

Prosecutors, for their part, are not amused. “This is just another attempt by Mr. Santos to evade justice,” one source close to the case remarked. “Whether he’s visible or not, we’re determined to hold him accountable.”

As the nation waits for the next chapter in the George Santos saga, one thing is clear: in the world of George Santos, the line between reality and fiction has long since disappeared—much like, apparently, the man himself.

In a recent press conference that left the nation scratching its collective head, Senator J.D. Vance made an impassioned plea for the American public to stop comparing him to himself. The Ohio senator, known for his ever-shifting positions and baffling public statements, expressed frustration that the media and the public insist on holding him accountable for the words and actions of “a past version of me.”

“Look, everyone knows J.D. Vance is a bit of a loon,” Vance declared, pounding the podium for emphasis. “But that doesn’t mean I should be constantly compared to the guy who said or did those things! It’s unfair and frankly, it’s starting to feel like a witch hunt.”

Vance went on to explain that while he respects J.D. Vance, he’s grown weary of the constant comparisons. “Sure, I share his name, his face, and his penchant for contradictory statements, but that doesn’t mean we’re the same person. People evolve! Just because I said something ridiculous last year—or last week—doesn’t mean I would say the exact same thing today.”

When asked to clarify how, exactly, he differs from the J.D. Vance everyone remembers, the senator was quick to point out the nuances. “That J.D. Vance had different priorities. He was more concerned with, I don’t know, whatever it was he was saying back then. Today’s J.D. Vance is focused on what’s important now, and it’s time people started recognizing that distinction.”

Vance’s complaints have garnered mixed reactions. Some supporters have praised his courage in standing up to, well, himself, while others are just as confused as ever. “It’s like trying to figure out which Spider-Man is the real one,” said one bewildered voter. “But with less web-slinging and more head-scratching.”

Notably, the senator has also started a petition to officially separate himself from his past self, proposing a “Statute of Limitations on Self-Comparison” that would prevent the media from bringing up any statements he made before last Thursday.

“It’s time to let J.D. Vance be the J.D. Vance of today, not the J.D. Vance of yesterday,” he concluded, before adding, “And for the record, that’s not something the old J.D. Vance would say. I think.”

In response to this newfound identity crisis, J.D. Vance’s former self was unavailable for comment, presumably because he was too busy being J.D. Vance.

Former President Donald Trump took aim at Minnesota Governor Tim Walz for what he described as a “glaring lack of commitment to presidential aesthetics.”

“Look at Tim Walz. Have you ever seen a more unprepared candidate?” Trump said, gesturing to a blown-up image of Walz’s makeup-free face. “No foundation, no eyeliner, not even a touch of concealer. How does he expect to lead a nation when he can’t even lead a makeup brush to his face?”

Trump, who is rumored to spend between three and four hours each morning applying his signature industrial-strength orange foundation, didn’t stop there. “A good president needs to look their best—everyone knows that! Kamala Harris, she’s got that makeup down. JD Vance? I hear he’s using eyeliner now, very smart move. But Walz? He wakes up, splashes some water on his face, and thinks he’s ready to make the world better. Sad!”

The former president went on to praise his own dedication to daily preparation. “I’ve always said it takes time to achieve greatness. That’s why I spend hours every day getting my look just right. It’s not just about being president, it’s about looking presidential. The American people deserve someone who’s willing to put in the time.”

Walz, who has built his campaign around competence and results rather than cosmetics, could not be reached for comment. Insiders, however, suggest he was likely too busy, you know, working on actual policies and engaging with constituents.

When asked if he thought Walz might reconsider his stance on makeup, Trump was doubtful. “I don’t think he gets it. He probably thinks he can just roll out of bed and start fixing things. But that’s not how it works, folks. A great leader needs a great look, and that takes effort. I’ve got the best effort, believe me.”

As the 2024 election looms, it’s clear that for Trump, the path to the Oval Office isn’t just paved with policies—it’s also lined with lip gloss and contour kits.