A federal judge ruled to unseal hundreds of court documents from a lawsuit related to deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein on Wednesday. Those documents include over 150 names deriving from a civil lawsuit against Ghislaine Maxwell, who was sentenced last year to 20 years in prison on sex trafficking and other charges for helping Epstein sexually abuse teenage girls.

Just hours before being released, the documents were found dead in a cell with a book marker around its neck.

When the court clerk discovered the documents unresponsive, they said, “We’re going to be in a lot of trouble,” according to the report.

Investigators are looking for any shred of evidence of foul place. So far they haven’t found sheet.

Leaked this week were Donald J. Trump’s burial plans. In the leaked documents it shows a monument of “Huge Proportions” to be erected following the death of Donald Trump. It was detailed that the Monument will be made of solid gold and bear the likeness of Donald Trump and his family kneeling before him. 

Also laid out in the documents are the plans for an ornate sarcophagus and underground tomb where Donald will be laid to rest. Donald wishes it to be “A Tomb the likes of which no one has seen” it calls for a massive wall to be built and paid for by Mexico and in very tiny handwriting at the bottom the plans call for Melania to be sacrificed and laid to rest at the feet of Donald within his sarcophagus. 
However a contingency plan has been made in case Melania dies or divorces Donald before his death. In the event of Melania not being available for human sacrifice and burial upon Donald’s death a world beauty pageant will be held with contestants from the Eastern Bloc only and no older than 26 years old. The winner will be crowned and summarily executed and placed at his feet. 

Donald, not being a fond lover of words, has ordered that pictures telling  stories of his many accomplishments line the walls of his tomb, telling the future world of his great deeds while alive. The Trump Taj Mahal, Trump Shuttle, Trump University and the Donald J. Trump Foundation just a small number of his accomplishments to be pictured on the walls of his tomb. Next to the tomb will be a vault, where Donald plans to store all of his earthly possessions and available cash at the time of death, however the dimensions of the vault appears to only amount to about 25 square feet.  

What does seem to be lacking from the plans is the location for the future monument/tomb combo but many believe that it will be placed adjacent to the 18th hole at Mar-a-Lago. So visitors can try to make the trick shot into the monument and win a free game at the end of their round.

Former President Donald Trump found himself in the crosshairs of Colorado’s Supreme Court after learning that he had been disqualified from the state’s presidential primary ballot. The reason? Well, it turns out that even the mastermind behind the “You’re Fired!” catchphrase can’t always navigate the intricate terrain of the United States map.

Fresh off the news of his disqualification, Trump was seen furrowing his brow and scratching his head, wondering aloud if Colorado was one of the elusive 13 states he could confidently point out on a map. As reporters gathered around, cameras at the ready, the former Commander-in-Chief reportedly muttered, “Is it the one with the mountains or the one with the mile-high what-now?”

Trump confidently asserted that he could identify states such as New York, Florida, Northern Florida, California, Joe Mantegna, Texas(ish), the square one, and “one of the Washingtons”.

Undeterred by the news of his disqualification, Trump immediately convened a meeting with his legal team, hoping to find a sharpie solution to his cartographic crisis. Ever the innovator, he suggested, “Can we just draw over Colorado with a sharpie and call it ‘New Trumpian’ or maybe ‘Not-Colorado’? Problem solved!”

In a shocking turn of events, former New York City mayor and avid courtroom enthusiast Rudy Giuliani finds himself in a legal quagmire of his own making. Reports have emerged that Giuliani is on the hook for a whopping $150 million in damages owed to two Georgia election workers, and his solution to cover the costs is nothing short of genius – he’s planning to sue himself.

Sources close to Giuliani reveal that he firmly believes he’s secretly hiding vast amounts of money from himself. In a press conference held in the cluttered office of his imaginary legal team (which consists mainly of a Magic 8-Ball and a framed photo of himself dressed as a pirate for Halloween), Giuliani outlined his master plan.

“Look, folks, I’ve always said I’m the best at lawsuits, and who better to sue than myself? I’ve got a hunch that I’m hiding mountains of cash from myself, and I’ll use the courts to force myself to find it. It’s a flawless strategy, really,” Giuliani declared with a confident twinkle in his eye.

Legal experts were quick to express their bewilderment at Giuliani’s unconventional approach, with one prominent attorney remarking, “I’ve seen a lot in my time, but this one takes the cake. It’s like watching a legal circus – and Giuliani is the ringleader in this absurd spectacle.”

The courtroom drama promises to be riveting, with Giuliani passionately cross-examining himself on the stand. Rumor has it that he plans to bring in surprise witnesses, including his pet parrot, a potted fern named Fernie, and a collection of his own Bobblehead dolls, each representing a different facet of his personality.

Giuliani seems undeterred by the skeptics, stating, “I know me better than anyone else, and I’m confident that I can get to the bottom of this. It’s just a matter of convincing myself to reveal where I’m hiding all that money – probably in the same place I keep my missing socks.”

As the legal community watches in astonishment, Giuliani vs. Giuliani is shaping up to be the legal battle of the century. Some are already calling it “The Trial of the Ego” or “Rudy’s Legal Odyssey.” Will Giuliani emerge victorious in his quest to force himself to pay $150 million in damages? Only time, and perhaps a psychiatric evaluation, will tell.

In the meantime, the public is left to marvel at the sheer audacity of Giuliani’s self-suing escapade, a legal maneuver that will undoubtedly go down in history as one of the quirkiest and most perplexing chapters in the annals of jurisprudence.

In an unexpected turn of events, former President Donald Trump recently expressed concerns that President Joe Biden might outshine him in the impeachment arena. Trump, who once considered impeachment his own version of a reality TV show, now frets that Biden could steal the limelight with even more impeachments.

“I had the best impeachments, folks, the best. Nobody does impeachments like me. They were tremendous, really tremendous,” Trump declared in a recent press conference. “But now, Sleepy Joe wants to take the stage, and I hear he’s got some big plans. Not on my watch!”

Trump went on to reminisce about the glory days of his impeachments, claiming they were the “biggest and classiest” impeachments in history. “I have photos, folks, beautiful photos showing that both of my impeachments were the largest ever. No one drew more attention to impeachment than I did. It was like a ratings bonanza.”

The former president, known for his love of superlatives, insisted that Biden’s potential impeachments would pale in comparison. “I had not one but two, count ’em, two impeachments. And they were both tremendous successes. I mean, who else can say that?”

In response to Trump’s concerns, Biden’s press secretary simply chuckled and stated, “President Biden is focused on running the country, not on scoring ratings for his impeachments.”

Only time will tell if Biden will follow in Trump’s footsteps or carve out his own unique presidential legacy. In the meantime, Trump seems determined to keep his impeachment record the stuff of political legend, one superlative at a time.

A recent poll has revealed that the recent Republican debate in Alabama was a battle of the yawns, as Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, former United Nations Ambassador Nikki Haley, biotech entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy, and former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie were all equally boring. It seems the only thing they debated successfully was who could put the audience to sleep faster.

The Drowsiness Decathlon:

While political debates are often expected to be riveting spectacles of charisma and wit, last night’s event felt more like a contest to see who could discuss policy with the enthusiasm of a sloth on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

In the “Drowsiness Decathlon,” each candidate showcased their remarkable ability to make even the most exciting topics sound like a lullaby. From economic policies to healthcare reform, it was a race to the bottom in terms of audience engagement.

DeSantis’ Dull Disposition:

Gov. Ron DeSantis, known for his stoic demeanor and serious approach, managed to turn every question into an opportunity to showcase his monotone speaking skills. Rumor has it that a few members of the audience attempted to count sheep during his responses, only to find themselves nodding off instead.

Haley’s Lullaby Language:

Nikki Haley, the former United Nations Ambassador, brought her diplomatic skills to the stage by diplomatically avoiding any semblance of excitement. Her measured tone and careful choice of words left viewers wondering if they accidentally stumbled into a foreign policy lecture.

Ramaswamy’s Biotech Lullaby:

Vivek Ramaswamy, the biotech entrepreneur, brought a whole new meaning to the term “biological clock” as his responses seemed to operate on a molecular level, putting spectators’ attention spans into a deep slumber. Some audience members reported having dreams about DNA structures mid-debate.

Christie’s Calm Coma:

Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, notorious for his larger-than-life personality, seemed to have traded his charisma for a comatose demeanor. His attempts at humor fell flatter than a pancake, leaving viewers desperately searching for any signs of life.

The Aftermath:

As the dust settles from the yawn-inducing showdown, voters are left wondering if any of these candidates have what it takes to keep the nation awake during a four-year term. The race for the presidency is certainly heating up, but last night’s debate made it clear that these candidates might need to invest in some caffeinated speeches if they want to keep the audience awake for the next round.

In a surprising twist, the real winner of the debate was a local coffee shop, which reported a sudden surge in business from audience members desperately seeking a jolt of energy to counteract the soporific effects of the candidates’ speeches. As the campaign trail continues, only time will tell if any of these contenders can shake off the “Most Boring” title and inject some excitement into the race. Until then, voters may need to stock up on extra-strong espresso just to make it through the next debate without dozing off.

House Leader Mike Johnson has proposed an unconventional idea to make January 6 riot footage more palatable for Republicans. In a recent press conference, Johnson declared that blurring faces on the infamous footage would make it easier for GOP members to, well, enjoy the scenes without feeling conflicted.

The Louisiana congressman, known for his outside-the-box thinking, confidently stated, “We’ve been struggling with how to handle this sensitive material. I mean, Republicans want to appreciate the chaos, but it’s hard to do that when you’re torn between political allegiance and, you know, personal enjoyment. So, I thought, why not blur the faces? Problem solved!”

Johnson’s proposal has left political analysts scratching their heads, wondering if this is a stroke of genius or just another absurd attempt to divert attention from more pressing issues. After all, who would have thought that pixelated faces could be the key to unlocking a wave of GOP enthusiasm for the riot footage?

“It’s a win-win situation,” Johnson continued with a mischievous grin. “Republicans get to relish the excitement of the insurrection without the guilt, and Democrats get to keep their footage. It’s like a political compromise we can all get behind!”

The proposal has garnered mixed reactions from both sides of the aisle. Some Republicans are embracing the idea, hailing Johnson as a visionary, while Democrats are struggling to comprehend how blurring faces magically transforms the severity of the events that transpired on that fateful day.

Social media has, predictably, erupted with a blend of confusion and humor. Memes featuring pixelated rioters with exaggerated facial expressions are making the rounds, poking fun at the absurdity of the suggestion. One popular meme even depicts Johnson holding a giant pixelation tool, blurring out everything from his colleagues’ faces to the Capitol itself.

Critics argue that Johnson’s proposal trivializes the seriousness of the January 6 attack and underscores the need for a more responsible approach to addressing the events. However, it seems the congressman is intent on turning this suggestion into a viral sensation, undeterred by the eye-rolling and facepalms he’s receiving from his peers.

Only time will tell if blurring faces on the Jan 6 footage becomes the next big trend in GOP circles or if it fades into the realm of bizarre political proposals. In the meantime, America waits with bated breath, wondering what groundbreaking idea House Leader Mike Johnson will come up with next.