Friday 4th April, 2025

Henry Kissinger Taken Back To How Hot And Flamey Heaven Is

Steve Tanner on November 30, 2023

In a surprising turn of celestial events, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was taken aback upon his arrival in heaven to find it not quite the pearly gates and fluffy clouds he had envisioned. Instead, he was welcomed by a rather toasty atmosphere, with celestial flames flickering in the distance.

Reports suggest that Kissinger, famous for his diplomatic prowess and international relations expertise, initially assumed it was just a warm reception committee. However, as the heat intensified, he couldn’t help but quip, “I’ve negotiated peace in the Cold War, but I didn’t sign up for heavenly heat!”

Unfazed by the unexpected climate, Kissinger soon discovered that heaven had undergone some renovations. The once tranquil paradise had transformed into a sizzling hot spot, complete with heavenly BBQs and eternal bonfires. It turns out that after millennia of sitting around on clouds, the angels decided to spice things up a bit.

“I always thought heaven would be a bit more chill,” Kissinger remarked, dabbing his forehead with a celestial handkerchief. “But hey, at least it’s a dry heat.”

Despite the initial shock, Kissinger found solace in the fact that many of his old friends and colleagues were there to welcome him. The heavenly reunion turned into a grand diplomatic gathering, with figures from history and politics sharing stories and reminiscing about the good old earthly days.

“I never expected to see Mao and Nixon bonding over celestial marshmallows,” Kissinger chuckled, observing the unexpected camaraderie among the diverse heavenly inhabitants.

As the heavenly flames roared in the background, Kissinger reunited with familiar faces like Richard Nixon,

“Heaven may be a bit hotter than anticipated, but the company is unbeatable,” Kissinger admitted, raising a cosmic cocktail in a toast to newfound friendships. “Who knew eternity came with a side of eternal summer?”

And so, in this unexpected twist of fate, Henry Kissinger learned that sometimes heaven is not about the weather but the warmth of the relationships you cultivate – even if it comes with a celestial sunburn.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Say Biden Did Nothing to Stop Dinosaur Extinction

Steve Tanner on November 29, 2023

Washington, DC – Marjorie Taylor Greene today denounced the Biden Administration for having done nothing to avert the extinction of the dinosaurs. Senator Mitch McConnell, of Kentucky, ranking member on the Senate Dinosaur Extinction Oversight Panel, says that the Biden Administration came into office with no clear plan for dealing with nuclear-winter-causing giant meteors.

“The lack of a clearly defined giant reptilian extinction policy is just scandalous,” said Senator McConnell at a press conference this morning. “Even at this late date, there is still no unified and well thought out policy concerning dinosaur extinction emanating from the White House.”

Robert C. O’Brien, National Security Advisor under former President Trump, says that the Trump Administration handed over to the Biden Administration in 2021 not only the most ethical administration in the history of the country but also a complete and fully functioning dinosaur extinction policy.

“The Biden Administration really dropped the ball on this one,” said Greene yesterday on CBS’s Face the Nation. “If President Biden had followed our plan there would be brontosauruses swimming in the Potomac today. But the Biden Administration seems obsessed with the so-called “Actions to Strengthen America’s Supply Chains, Lower Costs for Families, and Secure Key Sectors.”

Speaking on ABC’s Good Morning America earlier today, Vice President Harris defended the Biden Administration’s record. “There are plenty of dinosaurs roaming the streets. All you have to do is take a peek in the Cloak Room in the Senate.”

World Glances Up From Phones, Shrugs, and Resumes Scrolling

Steve Tanner on November 29, 2023

In a surprising turn of events today, the entire world collectively tore its gaze away from its beloved screens, only to be met with an underwhelming reality that left many unimpressed. It was a momentous occasion that sparked a global ‘meh’ heard ’round the world.

People from every corner of the globe paused, their eyes collectively lifting from their screens like a synchronized smartphone ballet. Birds chirped, a gentle breeze rustled leaves, and for a brief moment, the world experienced the novel sensation of unfiltered reality.

Expectations were high. But after a quick inhale of the state of the world, it was time to resume a much tamer world online.

The Underwhelming Spectacle

As the world gazed upwards with a sense of eager anticipation, what met their eyes was war, anger, starvation, Kardashians. It was as if God took another giant shit on our big blue marble.

In an unspoken agreement, the world let out a collective sigh, followed by an audible chorus of disappointment. “Is that it?” muttered Dave Peters from San Francisco, who had momentarily stopped scrolling through cat memes. “I was expecting, I don’t know, at least a UFO or a a decent reboot of something.”

With a synchronized shrug, the world collectively looked back down at its phones, returning to the infinitely more captivating realms of social media, endless scrolling, and the pursuit of the next viral sensation. It seemed the momentary break from screens had left many yearning for the comfort of digital distractions.

Conclusion: The Day the Sky Couldn’t Compete

In the end, it appears the world’s brief hiatus from screens was a momentary blip in the cosmic timeline. The universe’s attempt to captivate its audience fell flat, leaving humanity to wonder if the celestial show was canceled or simply postponed for a more convenient time.

As the world collectively returned to its digital sanctuary, one thing became abundantly clear: when it comes to entertainment, the universe has a lot to learn from the captivating allure of social media. Maybe next time, cosmos, maybe next time.