Saturday 26th April, 2025

Mike Johnson Says Blurred Faces Will Make It Easier For Republicans To Masturbate To Jan 6 Footage

House Leader Mike Johnson has proposed an unconventional idea to make January 6 riot footage more palatable for Republicans. In a recent press conference, Johnson declared that blurring faces on the infamous footage would make it easier for GOP members to, well, enjoy the scenes without feeling conflicted.

The Louisiana congressman, known for his outside-the-box thinking, confidently stated, “We’ve been struggling with how to handle this sensitive material. I mean, Republicans want to appreciate the chaos, but it’s hard to do that when you’re torn between political allegiance and, you know, personal enjoyment. So, I thought, why not blur the faces? Problem solved!”

Johnson’s proposal has left political analysts scratching their heads, wondering if this is a stroke of genius or just another absurd attempt to divert attention from more pressing issues. After all, who would have thought that pixelated faces could be the key to unlocking a wave of GOP enthusiasm for the riot footage?

“It’s a win-win situation,” Johnson continued with a mischievous grin. “Republicans get to relish the excitement of the insurrection without the guilt, and Democrats get to keep their footage. It’s like a political compromise we can all get behind!”

The proposal has garnered mixed reactions from both sides of the aisle. Some Republicans are embracing the idea, hailing Johnson as a visionary, while Democrats are struggling to comprehend how blurring faces magically transforms the severity of the events that transpired on that fateful day.

Social media has, predictably, erupted with a blend of confusion and humor. Memes featuring pixelated rioters with exaggerated facial expressions are making the rounds, poking fun at the absurdity of the suggestion. One popular meme even depicts Johnson holding a giant pixelation tool, blurring out everything from his colleagues’ faces to the Capitol itself.

Critics argue that Johnson’s proposal trivializes the seriousness of the January 6 attack and underscores the need for a more responsible approach to addressing the events. However, it seems the congressman is intent on turning this suggestion into a viral sensation, undeterred by the eye-rolling and facepalms he’s receiving from his peers.

Only time will tell if blurring faces on the Jan 6 footage becomes the next big trend in GOP circles or if it fades into the realm of bizarre political proposals. In the meantime, America waits with bated breath, wondering what groundbreaking idea House Leader Mike Johnson will come up with next.

Trump Claims He Is Immuned To The Laws Of Physics

Former President Donald Trump has declared that he has transcended the laws of physics and is now officially immune to the constraints of the physical world. In a press conference that left journalists scratching their heads, Trump confidently announced, “I am no longer bound by the laws of physics. I’m like a superhero, folks. Call me ‘The Invisible Executive’!”

Trump explained that he can now make himself invisible at will. “It’s tremendous, the best superpower. I’ve always said, I have the best superpowers, nobody else has superpowers like mine,” he declared while doing an impressive disappearing act behind a large podium.

Republicans were quick to respond “We’ve always suspected he’s been living in a different reality. Now, it seems, he’s created his own parallel universe where he’s the invisible master leader.” Meanwhile, many Democrats shared their disbelief, muttering something about the laws of thermodynamics.

House Leader Mike Johnson, a staunch Trump supporter, argued that the only way to settle the matter was through a formal House vote. “If he’s truly invisible, then we need to see it for ourselves. It’s the only way to uphold the principles of transparency and accountability in our great democracy,” Johnson asserted, holding a magnifying glass up to emphasize his point.

Meanwhile, Trump continued to bask in the glory of his supposed superpower, taking to social media to boast about his invisibility and taunt his political rivals. “Sleepy Joe can’t even see me now! It’s like I never left. #InvisibleExecutive #SuperTrump,” he tweeted.

As the nation awaits the outcome of the House vote, political analysts are left pondering whether this is the next evolution of Trump’s political career or just another episode in the surreal sitcom that is American politics. One thing is for certain – the laws of physics may be uncertain, but the laws of political theater remain as entertaining as ever.

George Santos Happy He Can Spend More Time On Things Like Family, Cooking, and Federal Prison

In a surprising turn of events, George Santos, the recently expelled congressman, is thrilled about his newfound freedom from the shackles of Capitol Hill. While most politicians would be devastated by such a setback, Santos has embraced the opportunity to focus on more important things in life—like family, cooking, and, of course, the impending federal prison sentence.

In an exclusive interview, Santos revealed, “I always thought those congressional debates were just a warm-up for the real challenge—whipping up a gourmet meal in a prison cell. Who needs C-SPAN when you can have a cooking show in the big house?”

Santos, known for his charisma on the campaign trail, now plans to channel that charm into becoming the Gordon Ramsay of the prison kitchen. “I’ve been practicing my ‘idiot sandwich’ routine for months,” he joked, referring to one of Ramsay’s famous outbursts. “It’s all about finding the right balance between bipartisan cooperation and adding just the right amount of spice to the political pot.”

When asked about his family, Santos beamed with pride. “I never had time for them when I was in Congress. Now, I can be the daddy I always wanted to be—the one who’s home for dinner every night, even if it’s just a tray of prison cafeteria mystery meat.”

In a bizarre twist, Santos has already started drafting a cookbook titled “Cooking Behind Bars: Recipes for the Politically Incorrect Palate.” The book promises a unique blend of family-friendly recipes and survival tips for navigating the ins and outs of federal prison life.

“I want to show the world that even if you’ve been expelled from Congress, life can still be a feast of possibilities,” Santos declared, holding up a makeshift kitchen apron made from his old campaign banners.

While many are scratching their heads at Santos’ unconventional response to his expulsion, he remains undeterred. “They say when one door closes, another one opens. In my case, that door is steel, and it’s clanging shut behind me as I enter the world of culinary chaos and federal fun. Bon appétit, America!”

Geneva Convention Moved to Las Vegas

Geneva, Switzerland – Swiss tourism professionals got the bad news yesterday that the Geneva Convention, the world’s oldest and largest trade show devoted to war crimes, has been moved to Las Vegas for the next three years.

“Geneva has been good to us, but Vegas made us an offer that we just couldn’t refuse,” said Marty Higginbottom, Secretary-General of ABUSE (Alliance of Businesses United for Smiting Evil), the leading trade organization for the war crimes industry. “The war crimes industry is going through a transitional period and we thought that a change of venue would help to put things into perspective. Besides, now we can go see Penn and Teller, and the Vegas hookers are a helluva lot better looking than the ones in Switzerland.”

Herv Stolz, the Las Vegas city council member who masterminded the successful effort to get the convention site moved, was ecstatic. “This is great news!” said Mr. Stolz. “From now on when POWs are abused or war crimes are committed the first thing you’ll hear invoked is ‘The Las Vegas Convention.’ Man, you can’t buy that kind of publicity”

Henry Kissinger Taken Back To How Hot And Flamey Heaven Is

In a surprising turn of celestial events, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was taken aback upon his arrival in heaven to find it not quite the pearly gates and fluffy clouds he had envisioned. Instead, he was welcomed by a rather toasty atmosphere, with celestial flames flickering in the distance.

Reports suggest that Kissinger, famous for his diplomatic prowess and international relations expertise, initially assumed it was just a warm reception committee. However, as the heat intensified, he couldn’t help but quip, “I’ve negotiated peace in the Cold War, but I didn’t sign up for heavenly heat!”

Unfazed by the unexpected climate, Kissinger soon discovered that heaven had undergone some renovations. The once tranquil paradise had transformed into a sizzling hot spot, complete with heavenly BBQs and eternal bonfires. It turns out that after millennia of sitting around on clouds, the angels decided to spice things up a bit.

“I always thought heaven would be a bit more chill,” Kissinger remarked, dabbing his forehead with a celestial handkerchief. “But hey, at least it’s a dry heat.”

Despite the initial shock, Kissinger found solace in the fact that many of his old friends and colleagues were there to welcome him. The heavenly reunion turned into a grand diplomatic gathering, with figures from history and politics sharing stories and reminiscing about the good old earthly days.

“I never expected to see Mao and Nixon bonding over celestial marshmallows,” Kissinger chuckled, observing the unexpected camaraderie among the diverse heavenly inhabitants.

As the heavenly flames roared in the background, Kissinger reunited with familiar faces like Richard Nixon,

“Heaven may be a bit hotter than anticipated, but the company is unbeatable,” Kissinger admitted, raising a cosmic cocktail in a toast to newfound friendships. “Who knew eternity came with a side of eternal summer?”

And so, in this unexpected twist of fate, Henry Kissinger learned that sometimes heaven is not about the weather but the warmth of the relationships you cultivate – even if it comes with a celestial sunburn.

Marjorie Taylor Greene Say Biden Did Nothing to Stop Dinosaur Extinction

Washington, DC – Marjorie Taylor Greene today denounced the Biden Administration for having done nothing to avert the extinction of the dinosaurs. Senator Mitch McConnell, of Kentucky, ranking member on the Senate Dinosaur Extinction Oversight Panel, says that the Biden Administration came into office with no clear plan for dealing with nuclear-winter-causing giant meteors.

“The lack of a clearly defined giant reptilian extinction policy is just scandalous,” said Senator McConnell at a press conference this morning. “Even at this late date, there is still no unified and well thought out policy concerning dinosaur extinction emanating from the White House.”

Robert C. O’Brien, National Security Advisor under former President Trump, says that the Trump Administration handed over to the Biden Administration in 2021 not only the most ethical administration in the history of the country but also a complete and fully functioning dinosaur extinction policy.

“The Biden Administration really dropped the ball on this one,” said Greene yesterday on CBS’s Face the Nation. “If President Biden had followed our plan there would be brontosauruses swimming in the Potomac today. But the Biden Administration seems obsessed with the so-called “Actions to Strengthen America’s Supply Chains, Lower Costs for Families, and Secure Key Sectors.”

Speaking on ABC’s Good Morning America earlier today, Vice President Harris defended the Biden Administration’s record. “There are plenty of dinosaurs roaming the streets. All you have to do is take a peek in the Cloak Room in the Senate.”

World Glances Up From Phones, Shrugs, and Resumes Scrolling

In a surprising turn of events today, the entire world collectively tore its gaze away from its beloved screens, only to be met with an underwhelming reality that left many unimpressed. It was a momentous occasion that sparked a global ‘meh’ heard ’round the world.

People from every corner of the globe paused, their eyes collectively lifting from their screens like a synchronized smartphone ballet. Birds chirped, a gentle breeze rustled leaves, and for a brief moment, the world experienced the novel sensation of unfiltered reality.

Expectations were high. But after a quick inhale of the state of the world, it was time to resume a much tamer world online.

The Underwhelming Spectacle

As the world gazed upwards with a sense of eager anticipation, what met their eyes was war, anger, starvation, Kardashians. It was as if God took another giant shit on our big blue marble.

In an unspoken agreement, the world let out a collective sigh, followed by an audible chorus of disappointment. “Is that it?” muttered Dave Peters from San Francisco, who had momentarily stopped scrolling through cat memes. “I was expecting, I don’t know, at least a UFO or a a decent reboot of something.”

With a synchronized shrug, the world collectively looked back down at its phones, returning to the infinitely more captivating realms of social media, endless scrolling, and the pursuit of the next viral sensation. It seemed the momentary break from screens had left many yearning for the comfort of digital distractions.

Conclusion: The Day the Sky Couldn’t Compete

In the end, it appears the world’s brief hiatus from screens was a momentary blip in the cosmic timeline. The universe’s attempt to captivate its audience fell flat, leaving humanity to wonder if the celestial show was canceled or simply postponed for a more convenient time.

As the world collectively returned to its digital sanctuary, one thing became abundantly clear: when it comes to entertainment, the universe has a lot to learn from the captivating allure of social media. Maybe next time, cosmos, maybe next time.