In what was initially thought to be a major cyber breakthrough, Iranian hackers recently claimed to have successfully breached the email account of former U.S. President Donald Trump. However, instead of uncovering state secrets or international conspiracies, the hackers found themselves in a bizarre situation—Trump’s entire email history consisted of just one message, forwarded thousands of times: “FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: OBAMA EATS BABIES.”

The hackers, who were reportedly expecting to find sensitive information about the 2024 presidential campaign, global espionage, or even Trump’s much-talked-about tax returns, were stunned by the simplicity—and absurdity—of their discovery.

“We couldn’t believe it,” said one hacker, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “We broke through layers of security, anticipating top-secret communications, but all we got was an email chain that just wouldn’t stop. At first, we thought it was some sort of code or a trap, but after analyzing it for days, we realized it was just… that.”

The email, which was first sent to Trump by an unidentified uncle sometime in 2008, had been forwarded to various members of the Trump family more than 5,500 times. The subject line, which grew longer with each forward, eventually became an unwieldy 70-character monstrosity. But the body of the email remained untouched: a simple, single-sentence conspiracy theory with zero evidence or explanation.

“It’s like a virus that just keeps replicating,” said one cybersecurity expert who analyzed the hacked emails. “It’s almost poetic. You think you’re about to discover something monumental, but it’s just the digital equivalent of a chain letter your aunt sends you on Facebook.”

Upon further investigation, the hackers determined that the recipients of the email included Trump’s children, his closest advisors, and even some lesser-known family pets who had their own email addresses. No one seemed to have responded to the email, but the forwarding continued relentlessly. In fact, the only other activity in Trump’s inbox was a spam filter notification that had long since given up.

The Iranian hackers admitted that they were unsure what to do with the information. “We can’t really use it for anything,” one hacker lamented. “It’s not like we can blackmail him with this. He’d probably be proud of it.”

The revelation has left both Trump’s supporters and critics baffled. Some have suggested that the forwarded email is a brilliant piece of performance art—a commentary on the nature of information in the digital age. Others believe it is simply the result of a man with too much free time on his hands.

As the world grapples with this strange new insight into Trump’s private communications, one thing is clear: in an era of data leaks and cyber warfare, sometimes the most surprising revelations are the ones that reveal nothing at all.

In the meantime, Trump’s email account remains active, with the former president continuing to forward the same message, unaware—or perhaps completely aware—of the chaos it has caused among his would-be hackers.

In a bold and highly questionable move, Sticker Mule has announced an unprecedented show of support for former President Donald Trump. The company is now offering half-price discounts on MAGA hats and Nazi flags for customers who use the promo code #letsgobrandon at checkout.

In a press release that left many scratching their heads, Sticker Mule stated, “We believe in the freedom to express your views, no matter how historically insensitive or blatantly offensive they may be. To that end, we’re proud to offer a special discount on items that really let your true colors fly.”

The code #letsgobrandon, a euphemism for an expletive-laden chant against President Joe Biden, seems to encapsulate the spirit of Sticker Mule’s new marketing campaign. “It’s all about taking a stand,” said an unnamed company spokesperson. “A stand that has absolutely no regard for decency or respect for others.”

Social media reactions have been swift and brutal. Critics have called the promotion everything from “tone-deaf” to “outright dangerous,” pointing out the troubling implications of normalizing such symbols of hate. Sticker Mule, however, appears unfazed. “Haters gonna hate,” tweeted the company’s official account, followed by a string of American flag emojis and a gif of an eagle having sex with an orange.

In an attempt to add some levity, the company also introduced a line of bumper stickers that read “I Brake for Conspiracy Theories” and “Vaccines Turn You into a Liberal.” The spokesperson assured customers that these items are also eligible for the #letsgobrandon discount, proving once and for all that Sticker Mule is committed to catering to a very specific segment of the population.

Despite the backlash, Sticker Mule remains defiant, urging everyone to “take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime offer” and reminding them that “supplies are limited, but poor taste is forever.”

As for the rest of us, we’ll be over here, clutching our pearls and wondering how we got here in the first place.