Earth’s reputation as the universe’s “Goldilocks planet” is officially over. In a stunning fall from grace, Earth has been downgraded from the best place to live to the third most hostile planet, trailing behind the scorching infernos of Mercury and Venus. Experts cite two key reasons for this nosedive: Donald Trump’s reelection and Elon Musk’s relentless meddling in, well, everything.
The Trumpocalypse
Trump’s return to the Oval Office marked the beginning of Earth’s accelerated descent into chaos. His administration, which famously abolished all remaining environmental protections, successfully turned Earth’s once-bearable climate into something resembling Venus Lite.
Under Trump’s “Keep the Planet Great for Corporations” initiative, industrial emissions reached historic highs, while global temperatures soared past the point of no return. Trump celebrated the achievements on Twitter—or X—posting, “We’ve made Earth hotter than ever before. People are saying it’s tremendous. Venus is shaking in its sulfuric acid boots.”
The administration also oversaw the privatization of natural resources, including air. Oxygen stocks skyrocketed, but the move left millions gasping for breath in what critics dubbed the “pay-to-inhale” era. “Earth has officially priced out 99% of lifeforms,” said one environmental analyst. “Even cockroaches are reconsidering their options.”
Musk’s Cosmic Intervention
Meanwhile, Elon Musk, not content with ruining Twitter (or X, depending on who you ask), decided to apply his genius to planetary management. His solution? Cover Earth in reflective solar panels to combat global warming. Unfortunately, the panels had the opposite effect, creating a magnifying glass-like phenomenon that roasted entire continents.
Musk also launched the “Tesla Terraformer,” a machine designed to pump breathable air back into the atmosphere. Instead, it malfunctioned, filling the skies with neon-green smog and a persistent hum that experts describe as “an EDM festival in hell.”
When questioned about his role in Earth’s decline, Musk replied, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my Mars colony.”
Life on Earth Today
Thanks to these combined efforts, Earth now boasts conditions rivaling those of Venus. Oceans have evaporated into toxic clouds, cities are submerged in floods of molten asphalt, and billionaires compete to see who can build the largest bunker. Meanwhile, the average Earthling is forced to navigate their daily lives in a spacesuit, enduring acid rain commutes and radioactive grocery runs.
“It’s like Mercury, but with more paperwork,” one resident lamented while dodging a hailstorm of metal snow.
Mercury and Venus Laugh Last
With Earth now in third place, Mercury and Venus have taken the opportunity to remind everyone why they’re the reigning champions of hostility. “We’re glad Earth finally got its act together,” Venus said in a statement, adding, “but let’s be real—you’re still the amateur league.”
Mercury, true to form, offered no comment, as it was too busy being a literal wasteland of death.
What’s Next?
Experts believe Earth’s only hope is a radical reversal of Trump’s policies and the immediate cessation of Musk’s experiments. However, with both figures now collaborating on a plan to “optimize” the Sun by making it 20% brighter, prospects look dim—if not blindingly bright.
Until then, Earthlings can take solace in one thing: at least they’re not living on Jupiter.
