In a triumphant display of vague ambition and master-level PowerPoint transitions, the Democratic National Committee proudly announced a new 12-Point Plan to Announce a Plan to Begin Formulating a Strategy That Might Eventually Include a Plan to Stop Donald Trump and the GOP… someday.
The unveiling took place in a nearly full conference room at a Holiday Inn Express just outside Capitol Hill, where DNC Chair Jaime Harrison spoke confidently while standing beside a flowchart titled “Ideas for Future Flowcharts.”
“This is a historic moment for the Democratic Party,” said Harrison. “For too long we’ve been accused of having no clear plan. Well, no more! We now have a fully illustrated plan on how we might soon begin to plan.”
The 12 Points Include:
- Form a Committee to Review Past Committees
- Schedule a Listening Tour to Listen to The Results of Previous Listening Tours
- Hire a Consultant to Advise on Which Consultants to Hire
- Conduct a Survey to See If Surveys Are Still Cool
- Email Donors About The Importance of This Plan (and ask for $17.42)
- Hold a Unity Brunch Featuring 14 Kinds of Bagels
- Announce a Working Group to Define “Working Group”
- Leak a Draft of a Future Plan to Politico for “Buzz”
- Tweet Vague Sentiments With Clapping Emojis
- Wait for Trump to Implode (again) and hope it sticks this time
- Release a Podcast That Breaks Down the Plan in 47 Weekly Episodes
- Hold Emergency Meeting in 2026 to Rethink Strategy From Scratch
When asked whether the plan actually includes any action to stop Trump or the GOP’s sweeping policy proposals, one anonymous DNC aide chuckled nervously.
“Well, we considered adding a 13th step called ‘Do Something’ but the intern who suggested it was quietly escorted out,” they said.
Republicans responded swiftly, with Speaker Marjorie Taylor Greene tweeting, “LOLOL the Demoncrats are planning a plan to plan planning. Meanwhile I just declared war on wind turbines and Big M&M.”
Even moderate Democrats appeared confused. Senator Joe Manchin commented, “I haven’t seen this many steps since my Fitbit ran through a car wash.”
Despite the ridicule, Democrats remain hopeful. “This plan shows vision,” said Rep. Hakeem Jeffries. “We’re not just winging it—we’re scaffolding our winging it.”
Plans to release a follow-up 8-Point Plan to Review the Results of This Plan are expected next month, pending brunch availability.
