Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has declared a “State of Emergency” for his rapidly sinking poll numbers. The announcement came during a hastily organized press conference in front of a deflating “DeSantis 2024” banner, where the governor reassured the public that his administration is fully prepared to “combat the poll disaster with the same vigor we handle hurricanes, and by that, I mean we’ll definitely need FEMA’s help.”

With a straight face, DeSantis outlined his emergency plan. “We are deploying every available resource: yard signs, Twitter bots, and a new round of commercials showing me yelling at Disney World employees. This is a code red situation. We can’t let the American people think I’m losing to, well, anyone.”

State Resources Activated

The governor confirmed that all hands are on deck. The Florida National Guard has been put on standby, ready to hand out Ron DeSantis bumper stickers at Walmart parking lots statewide. “In case of a further dip, we may resort to extreme measures, like showing me in cowboy boots wrestling an alligator, or maybe just…smiling,” DeSantis said, with a brief look of terror at the thought.

Additionally, FEMA (the Florida Emergency Media Advisors) has been tasked with controlling the “optics crisis” by editing footage of DeSantis’ recent speeches, splicing in clips of crowds from popular rock concerts to give the illusion of enthusiastic support.

Response from the Campaign

Inside sources report that the DeSantis campaign is working around the clock to “stabilize the situation.” One staffer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, “We’re launching our new ‘Keep Florida Ron’ campaign, which consists of us convincing Floridians that Florida itself will fall into the ocean if DeSantis isn’t elected. It’s our most ambitious fearmongering yet.”

In a bold PR strategy, DeSantis’ campaign has also partnered with Elon Musk to create a pollster-free zone on Twitter (recently rebranded as “X”). Musk expressed full support for the governor, stating, “I’ve already blocked all mentions of the words ‘polls,’ ‘approval,’ and ‘Trump’ from trending. I mean, what even is a poll if you’re living in a simulation?”

Competitors React

The news of DeSantis’ poll-based emergency has sparked responses from his Republican rivals. Former President Donald Trump, whose poll numbers remain strong, took to Truth Social to say, “Weak numbers from Ron DeSanctus! Sad! His numbers are lower than his energy. He needs me, believe me!” Trump also hinted at sending relief efforts, including pallets of his “Trump 2024” hats, in what experts call “a friendly act of trolling.”

Nikki Haley, meanwhile, responded with a tweet: “Ron, I told you to stick to attacking woke school curriculums, not Mickey Mouse! #RookieMistake.”

Governor Holds Firm

DeSantis ended the press conference with optimism, claiming, “We’ve seen storms like this before in Florida. Polls come and go, but what really matters is that I’m still on Fox News a lot.” He then boarded a helicopter, destined to survey the political damage from Tallahassee to Mar-a-Lago, while urging Floridians to “stay safe, and keep polling in my favor.”