Donald Trump has unveiled his latest product: the Trump Timepiece™. This revolutionary watch has promised to redefine how we perceive time, not by telling it accurately, but by telling you why all other watches are complete and total failures.

At a flashy press conference in Mar-a-Lago, Trump declared, “I’ve got the best watch, folks. The BEST watch. Everybody’s saying it. You look at this watch, and you know it’s going to tell the most accurate time, tremendous time. The other watches? Disaster. Complete disasters.”

The Trump Timepiece™, emblazoned with gold trim and unnecessarily large branding, doesn’t have moving hands. Instead, it features a tiny speaker that starts with an impassioned monologue every time you glance at your wrist.

“Look, you wanna know the time? This watch knows the time. Better than any watch out there. I mean, you’ve got Rolex, you’ve got Omega, what a joke, folks. They’re ugly. Everyone’s saying how ugly they are. No taste! Their time? It’s rigged. They’ve been lying to you about time for years. We all know it.”

When asked if the watch actually tells you the time, Trump was quick to respond, “My watch does tell you the time. The best time. It’s beautiful. And, believe me, it’s never wrong. Never. But the problem with time? Nobody cares about time anymore. They care about winning. And this watch, folks, this is a winner.”

As the watch continues its soliloquy, it abruptly shifts focus to attacking its competitors. “Timex? Weak. I know watches, I’ve got great watches, and Timex—terrible. Their watches? They’re falling apart. You ask people, they’ll tell you. Not good watches. Sad! Swatch? A mess. Nobody even likes them, folks. They’re making watches in Switzerland, and we all know what Switzerland’s been up to. Don’t get me started on Fitbit. It’s a scam! They’re tracking you, folks. It’s very bad.”

After a brief pause, the watch reassures the user once more. “But this watch? This watch doesn’t need to tell time. It knows time. It’s always the right time when you’re wearing it, because I say so. You want 3 o’clock? It’s 3 o’clock. You want 5? Sure, why not? The time changes because we’re making time great again.”

Critics were quick to point out that the watch doesn’t actually do anything a watch is supposed to do. When pressed for answers, a spokesperson for Trump Timepiece™ doubled down. “You see, the liberal media is trying to sabotage this watch. They want you to believe time needs to be linear. Trump’s time isn’t confined by seconds or minutes. It’s bigger than that. It’s a movement. Other watches? They’re enslaved by the ticking of time. But not this watch. This watch transcends. Just like Trump.”

Marketed at a cool $102,499 (“a tremendous deal, folks”), the Trump Timepiece™ is available in gold, more gold, and “huge gold.” Buyers are assured that, while the watch may not actually display the time, it will make them feel like they know what time it is, and that’s all that really matters.

When asked if he would ever consider launching a watch that actually functions like a normal watch, Trump was clear: “Why would I? Look, my watch is doing great. Everybody loves it. The numbers are huge. You want a watch that just tells time? Go ahead. Be a loser. But my watch? It’s for winners. And winners don’t need to know what time it is—they just know it’s their time.”

In related news, sales of traditional watches have soared as people everywhere desperately try to find out the actual time.