In a groundbreaking development in the annals of absurd historical milestones, Elon Musk has officially been declared the second most history-changing piece of shit—just behind the infamous turd that indirectly caused Elvis Presley’s fatal bathroom heart attack.
A Turd of Legendary Proportions
The “Elvis Turd,” as it’s colloquially known, has long been heralded as the pinnacle of excremental significance. According to historical accounts, the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll met his untimely end in 1977 while sitting on his porcelain throne, battling what doctors later described as a “massive, terminal poop.” This unassuming bowel movement inadvertently ended the life of one of the greatest cultural icons of all time, leaving the world to wonder: What if that turd hadn’t existed?
Elon’s Rise to #2
While the Elvis Turd has held the title unchallenged for decades, Elon Musk has spent the last few years making an undeniable case for himself. Between launching flamethrowers for no reason, buying Twitter for $44 billion and turning it into a bad group chat, and naming his child “X Æ A-12” (a name rejected even by Star Wars fans), Musk has proven that his contributions to society are as messy as they are memorable.
Elon Musk’s influence on American democracy is proving to be a double-edged sword, with many critics arguing he’s wielding his power recklessly. By turning Twitter (now X) into a megaphone for conspiracy theories and misinformation, Musk has amplified divisive rhetoric, making the platform a haven for chaos rather than constructive discourse. His actions during the 2024 election, such as allowing content that undermined trust in the democratic process to flourish, arguably tilted the scales in favor of political extremism. By normalizing false narratives and prioritizing “free speech” policies that cater to sensationalism over truth, Musk has helped erode the already fragile trust Americans have in their institutions.
Now, Musk’s attention is shifting to Europe, but the damage to America is already evident. His approach to content moderation, or lack thereof, has emboldened bad actors, spread disinformation, and widened ideological rifts. The prioritization of engagement at the expense of accuracy has not only corrupted the public discourse but also left voters more polarized and misinformed than ever before. Musk’s unchecked influence demonstrates the risks of entrusting vital platforms of communication to billionaires whose motivations often appear aligned more with personal amusement than public responsibility.
“Few individuals can change history while leaving behind such an unflattering legacy,” said Dr. Linda Stoolwater, a leading expert in dubious accomplishments. “But Musk’s ability to stir global controversy with a single tweet about Dogecoin is a close rival to the turd that took down the King.”
A Race to the Bottom
The debate over Musk’s placement on the list intensified after his recent pivot to turning Twitter (now X, for some inexplicable reason) into a platform that charges $8 for people to be ignored more efficiently. Critics argue that this move alone warrants his elevation to #2 on the list, as it has fundamentally changed the way people waste time online.
“Elon Musk’s actions have undoubtedly reshaped the digital landscape,” said cultural critic Bryan Flushing. “But unlike the Elvis Turd, which brought about a swift and conclusive end, Musk’s contributions are more like a slow, lingering intestinal discomfort for humanity.”
Musk Responds
Unsurprisingly, Musk took to X to address the announcement in his trademark style.
“LOL, I’m honored to be #2! But don’t forget: I’ll make Mars sh*ttier too. 🚀💩” he tweeted, sparking 1.2 million likes, 900,000 hate replies, and at least 15 lawsuits.
What’s Next for Musk?
As Musk continues his quest to outdo the Elvis Turd, experts speculate that his future endeavors could include colonizing Mars with Teslas that only charge on Earth or inventing a Neuralink chip that exclusively streams Joe Rogan podcasts.
Regardless of what happens next, one thing is clear: While Musk’s legacy is still unfolding, his place in history—as the world’s second most history-changing piece of sh*t—is firmly secured.
And for now, the Elvis Turd can rest easy atop its porcelain pedestal, a true king among crap.
