Washington, D.C. — In what can only be described as a stunning blend of national security panic and digital illiteracy, several prominent GOP officials have raised concerns over what they’re calling a “new wave of biologically suggestive ballistic threats” — namely, eggplant-shaped missiles.
The hysteria reportedly began during a late-night group chat among conservative lawmakers, when Rep. Harold Brunsfield (R-TN) shared screenshots of text messages he received from Pete Hegseth. The texts included ominous phrases like, “We’re gonna hit them HARD”, followed by a string of eggplant emojis.
“At first I thought he meant farming subsidies,” Brunsfield said. “Then I saw the emojis. One after another. Eggplant after eggplant. It was… threatening. Suggestive. Possibly nuclear.”
Senator Mitzi Graham (R-AL), chair of the Senate Committee on Misinterpreted Fruit Emojis, was quick to act. “We can’t take chances,” she told reporters. “If our enemies are developing phallic vegetable projectiles, we must respond with cucumber-shaped countermeasures and zucchini diplomacy.”
Hegseth, when reached for comment, said, “I just like the emoji. It’s bold. Firm. American.” He later followed up with a statement on Truth Social, claiming he uses the eggplant “as a symbol of strength, not anything weird, perverts.”
But things escalated when a classified internal memo leaked to the press showed several Republican lawmakers had begun stockpiling screenshots of Hegseth’s messages as evidence of potential eggplant aggression. The memo also suggested a misinterpretation of other emojis, including:
- The peach emoji, believed by Rep. Lou Danders (R-KY) to indicate “a soft target in Georgia.”
- The sweating emoji, which Sen. Rick Holster (R-FL) interpreted as “a sign of biological warfare or yoga infiltration.”
- And the fire emoji, which Rep. Marla Pickens (R-TX) claims is “a coded call to arms from antifa arsonists or possibly a spicy barbecue invite.”
In a final twist, GOP leadership held a closed-door meeting to discuss banning emoji use entirely in congressional correspondence, unless cleared by a newly appointed “Emoji Translator General.”
Meanwhile, Hegseth has doubled down, now ending every segment on Fox News with a wink and a full-screen eggplant. When asked if he was trolling Congress, he replied, “Not at all. But if I were, they’d never know. They still think the poop emoji is a chocolate ice cream swirl.”
America, it seems, is once again divided — this time, over the true meaning of 🍆.
