Tallahassee, FL – As Hurricane Milton slams into Florida, leaving thousands scrambling for basic necessities like food, water, and a decent Wi-Fi signal, Governor Ron DeSantis has stepped up to address the growing concern over one critical shortage: toilet paper.

At a press conference today, DeSantis announced that while the state has stockpiles of canned goods and sandbags, there is a glaring shortage of toilet paper—so much so that residents of Milton are in desperate need of emergency rations. Fortunately, the Governor has a solution that he claims is “both practical and patriotic.”

“After thorough consideration of all available materials,” DeSantis declared, “we’ve determined that the Trump Bible fits all the necessary requirements to serve as emergency toilet paper during this critical time.”

The Trump Bible, first unveiled during former President Donald Trump’s rallies (where it was mostly waved in the air but rarely, if ever, opened), was praised for its sturdy pages and sheer bulk. “It’s large enough to provide for entire households for days,” DeSantis added. “Each page has a certain strength and… let’s say, resilience. The best paper, really. Everyone’s talking about it.”

DeSantis explained that while federal regulations normally require toilet paper to be soft, durable, and absorbent, the Trump Bible surpasses these standards in one key area: patriotism. “Sure, you could stock up on Charmin or Angel Soft, but when disaster strikes, you want something that reminds you of what truly matters—faith, freedom, and a bit of irony.”

Despite the Governor’s optimism, some Floridians expressed skepticism. “I mean, I love Trump and all,” said a resident of Milton, “but it’s not exactly what I was expecting when I heard ‘emergency relief.’ I was hoping for bottled water, not… scripture.”

DeSantis, however, stood firm in his decision, noting that it’s a matter of resourcefulness. “This is Florida,” he said, “We survive hurricanes, alligators, and snowbirds. If we can’t find toilet paper, we’ll make do with what we’ve got, and right now, what we’ve got is a surplus of these Trump Bibles.”

Some critics have accused the Governor of pushing an agenda, suggesting that the Trump Bible might not be the most hygienic choice. But DeSantis was quick to point out that the Bible’s glossy pages are perfect for “a quick wipe and tear,” though he did caution against overuse of the gold-leafed cover, which he described as “a bit rough.”

Meanwhile, FEMA has rushed to distribute pallets of the Trump Bibles across the most affected areas, and DeSantis assured citizens that “every home will be wiped clean” by the time the storm clears. When asked if other books might be considered as backups, DeSantis grinned and said, “Only if they’re written by people I’ve endorsed.”

As the state braces for the storm’s full impact, DeSantis ended his press conference with a reminder: “Stay strong, stay safe, and remember, in times of crisis, the pages of the Trump Bible have never been more useful.”

Whether the governor’s unconventional solution will catch on remains to be seen, but one thing is certain—Floridians have never been more prepared to handle a hurricane with both faith and a really strong paper substitute.