Valdosta, GA — The International Donut and Pastry League (IDPL) announced today that they are suing JD Vance, vice presidential candidate and author of “Hillbilly Elegy,” for what they call an “unprecedented attack” on the sex appeal of donuts. The lawsuit comes on the heels of a disastrous photo-op in Valdosta, Georgia, where Vance’s attempts to charm donut shop employees fell flatter than a day-old cruller.

The incident, now dubbed “Donutgate” on social media, has sparked outrage among pastry enthusiasts and casual donut lovers alike. “I’m JD Vance, I’m running for vice president,” Vance introduced himself to a disinterested worker. Her response, a nonchalant “Okay,” sent shivers down the spines of political strategists and pastry chefs everywhere. The awkward exchange has been described as “cringe-inducing” by multiple news outlets, with some commentators likening it to watching a soggy donut disintegrate in cold coffee.

The fallout was immediate. Sales of donuts plummeted across the nation as Americans found themselves unable to shake the image of Vance awkwardly loitering in a donut shop. “It’s horrifying,” said Betty Glaze, a lifelong donut lover from Ohio. “I used to think donuts were the sexiest food around, but now… I don’t know. It’s like they’ve lost their mojo.”

The IDPL, known for their tireless advocacy of pastry sensuality, is not taking this lightly. “We have worked for decades to keep donuts at the forefront of sexy foods,” said IDPL President, Claire Beignet. “JD Vance has single-handedly undone years of work in one ill-fated visit to a donut shop. We’ve already seen donuts drop to the third least sexy food, just after kohlrabi and prune juice. It’s a disaster.”

Perhaps the most damning evidence against Vance came in his follow-up comments after the photo-op. “You’d think the hole alone would keep them up there,” remarked one frustrated donut store owner. When questioned about his own donut preferences, Vance reportedly dismissed the iconic ring-shaped pastries, saying, “I ignore the ones with holes. I prefer the maple bars—they remind me of a couch.”

This comparison has baffled experts and consumers alike. “A couch? Really?” asked a bewildered pastry historian. “The man is comparing our beloved maple bars to furniture. It’s no wonder donuts are losing their sex appeal.”

The IDPL’s lawsuit seeks damages for the “irreparable harm” done to the reputation of donuts as a sexy food. They are also demanding a public apology from Vance and a pledge to refrain from making any further comments about pastries for the duration of the campaign.

“We can’t afford to have donuts associated with awkwardness and discomfort,” said Beignet. “They should be symbols of indulgence, pleasure, and yes, sexiness. JD Vance has turned them into something cringe-worthy, and we will not stand for it.”

As the lawsuit unfolds, donut shops across the country are bracing for continued fallout. Meanwhile, the IDPL has launched a new campaign to restore the pastry’s former glory, complete with sultry ads featuring donuts drizzled in chocolate and posed suggestively next to a steamy cup of coffee.

“We’re going to make donuts sexy again,” Beignet declared. “But first, we have to make JD Vance pay.”