In an unprecedented move that has left political analysts scratching their heads and linguists reaching for their whiskey, Ohio Senator J.D. Vance has announced a bold new criterion for presidential eligibility. According to Vance, any candidate whose name he and former President Donald Trump find too difficult to pronounce should be automatically disqualified from running for the highest office in the land.

“Look, it’s simple,” Vance declared at a press conference that can only be described as a masterclass in unintentional comedy. “If you can’t have a name that I or the former President can easily pronounce, then you’re not fit to lead this great country.”

Trump, never one to miss an opportunity to weigh in, quickly backed Vance’s proposal. “J.D. is absolutely right,” Trump said, with the confident air of a man who once mispronounced ‘Yosemite’ and ‘Thailand’ on live television. “If we can’t say your name, how can you expect us to remember you? Or tweet about you? Or, you know, make fun of you in front of a crowd of thousands?”

The announcement has already stirred a hornet’s nest of reactions. Political commentator and name pronunciation enthusiast Rachel Maddow quipped, “I guess this means candidates like Pete Buttigieg and Kamala Harris are out of luck. But hey, it’s good news for John Smith and Jane Doe!”

Meanwhile, linguists have expressed concern over the implications of this new standard. “This is a slippery slope,” warned Dr. Samantha Lingua of the National Association of Language Specialists. “Today, it’s about names. Tomorrow, it could be about vocabulary. Imagine a presidential debate where words like ‘nuclear’ or ‘anonymous’ are banned simply because they trip someone up.”

Critics argue that Vance’s proposal is just another way to undermine the democratic process. “This is exclusionary and undemocratic,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren, who, for the record, has a name both Trump and Vance have managed to pronounce correctly on occasion. “What’s next? Disqualifying candidates based on how well they can play golf with the former president?”

In a surprising twist, however, some candidates have begun to see the bright side. “Honestly, I think it’s a great idea,” said one presidential hopeful who wished to remain anonymous (and whose name includes a perplexing combination of consonants and vowels). “If Vance and Trump can’t say my name, maybe they’ll forget to insult me on Twitter. That’s a win in my book!”

As the nation grapples with this latest development, one thing is clear: the 2024 election is shaping up to be a test not just of political acumen and policy knowledge, but also of phonetic prowess. And in the world of J.D. Vance and Donald Trump, it seems that the ability to pronounce ‘covfefe’ correctly might just be the key to the Oval Office.