In a controversial new policy proposal, Senator J.D. Vance has taken a stand on what he perceives as a dire threat to the American way of life: the couchless couple. In a recent interview, Vance argued that couples who lack sofas are eroding the fabric of America, one loveseat at a time.

“It’s time we address the real issues facing our nation,” Vance declared, flanked by an impressive array of overstuffed sectionals and pristine recliners. “Couples without couches are not just missing out on comfort—they’re missing out on a key part of American culture. And frankly, if you don’t have a couch, you shouldn’t have a vote.”

Vance’s proposal, dubbed “No Couch, No Vote,” has sparked a fiery debate. According to the senator, couples who rely solely on chairs and love seats are undermining the stability and unity that traditional sofas bring to a household. “A home without a couch is like a country without democracy—chaotic and uncomfortable,” he insisted.

Critics were quick to pounce on Vance’s policy. “This is just another attempt to disenfranchise voters,” said a representative from the American Furniture Association. “What next? Denying voting rights to people who prefer bean bags or floor cushions?”

Supporters, however, believe Vance is onto something. “Couches are a cornerstone of American living rooms,” said an enthusiastic constituent. “They bring families together, provide a place for reflection, and support our Netflix binges. It’s about time someone stood up for the sofa.”

The proposal outlines a rigorous verification process for potential voters, including submitting a photo of their couch, a utility bill with their address, and a signed affidavit confirming the presence of the couch in their home. “This isn’t about exclusion; it’s about ensuring that our voters are committed to the values that make America great,” Vance explained.

As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: in the world of J.D. Vance, having a couch isn’t just about comfort—it’s a patriotic duty. Whether this policy will gain traction remains to be seen, but one can only hope that the future of American democracy doesn’t hinge on the number of throw pillows in one’s living room.