In a bold display of foreign policy meets freezer burn, Vice President JD Vance traveled to Greenland, knelt down, gave the ice a hearty lick, and declared, “This tastes like freedom—Trump’s freedom.”
Witnesses report Vance’s tongue stuck briefly to the frozen ground before Secret Service agents poured lukewarm Diet Coke on it to release him. “It was touch and go,” one agent said. “At one point we considered just leaving him there as a monument.”
Greenland officials responded with a polite but firm, “Stop licking our country,” and reminded Vance that Greenland is not a popsicle, nor for sale. Denmark, Greenland’s governing body, issued a statement saying, “No take-backs, even with tongue.”
Meanwhile, Trump praised the move, calling it “the most delicious act of patriotism ever committed,” and hinted that Alaska may be next, “if it smells right.”
Experts warn this may set a dangerous precedent for international relations, or at the very least, for future maps featuring slobber borders.
