In an unforeseen turn of events, fast-food giant McDonald’s has reported a significant decrease in sales as Americans finally come to grips with the revelation that experiencing diarrhea is, in fact, not enjoyable.

Diarrhea Detractors Speak Out

“I used to enjoy the thrill of eating a McDouble and playing the ‘Will I or Won’t I’ game with my digestive system,” said former McDonald’s aficionado, Tom Gutters. “But one day, it hit me: I don’t actually like spending hours in the bathroom praying for mercy.”

Gutters is not alone in his epiphany. A recent survey indicates that over 75% of former fast-food consumers have come to similar conclusions, realizing that the gastronomic roulette played with McDonald’s menu items often leads to unfavorable outcomes.

McDonald’s Marketing Mayhem

Caught off guard by this newfound awareness, McDonald’s marketing team has scrambled to rebrand their image. Initial efforts included a campaign titled “McHealthy, McHappy,” which featured kale-infused smoothies and a quinoa burger. Unfortunately, these health-conscious offerings only further alienated their core customer base, who were skeptical of McDonald’s sudden pivot towards health.

“We’re trying to find the balance,” said McDonald’s Chief Marketing Officer, Patty Pusher. “We need to remind people of the joy of our food without emphasizing the unfortunate side effects. Perhaps we overshot with the kale smoothie.”

The Great Bathroom Breakup

Health experts and social media influencers have also played a crucial role in the nationwide change of heart. Viral posts under hashtags like #ByeByeBathroomBreaks and #DumpingMcDonalds have garnered millions of likes, shares, and retweets, creating a digital movement that McDonald’s cannot ignore.

One particularly impactful post from wellness guru, Serenity Smoothie, reads: “Why settle for explosive bathroom visits when you can have a calm and regular digestive journey? #DumpingMcDonalds”

Rethinking the Menu

In an attempt to win back its clientele, McDonald’s has turned to an eclectic mix of food scientists and chefs to reinvent their offerings. Early prototypes include the “Gentle on the Stomach” burger and “No-Regret Nuggets,” which are supposedly designed to be kinder to one’s gastrointestinal system.

However, initial taste tests have been less than favorable. “It just doesn’t have that same greasy, guilty pleasure taste,” complained one test subject. “If I’m not risking a bathroom blitz, is it even McDonald’s?”

A New Frontier

As McDonald’s navigates this unexpected downturn, competitors like Burger King and Wendy’s have taken a cautious approach, subtly altering their marketing strategies without drawing direct attention to the gastrointestinal implications.

Meanwhile, McDonald’s continues to grapple with the stark reality that the nation has woken up to the discomfort that often follows a Happy Meal. Their latest slogan, “Feel Good Inside and Out,” is being test-marketed, though many believe it might be too little, too late.

Only time will tell if McDonald’s can reclaim their throne in the fast-food kingdom or if this marks the end of an era dominated by deep-fried delight and post-meal distress. For now, one thing is clear: America is no longer lovin’ it.