Ex First Lady Melania Trump has officially declared her support for legalized abortion—but with a catch.
Standing in front of a dramatically oversized portrait of herself in her signature “I don’t really sleep with my husband, do u?” jacket, Melania addressed a small gathering of loyal fans and bewildered reporters at her Florida home, Mar-a-Lago, this past Tuesday.
“For too long, I have stayed silent,” she began, pausing for dramatic effect, as if savoring her moment in the spotlight. “But no more. Today, I announce my support for legalized abortion—under one condition. It should only apply to any porn star my husband might accidentally impregnate during his, how you say, extracurricular activities.”
The room fell into stunned silence, punctuated only by the sound of a bewildered Fox News correspondent dropping his microphone.
Melania continued, seemingly unbothered by the shock her words had induced. “It’s important that we protect the freedom of choice,” she said, “specifically the choice to clean up my husband’s… ‘mistakes.’ After all, these women are professionals, just like my husband claims to be when negotiating deals or, apparently, phone numbers.”
Legal experts have already begun to analyze what this bold new policy could mean for American reproductive rights. Some speculate it could form the basis of a new law dubbed the “Stormy Clause,” a reference to adult film star Stormy Daniels, who famously alleged an affair with Donald Trump in the mid-2000s. Others fear this might lead to a slippery slope where abortion rights are only afforded to “the most well-documented mistresses,” leaving the rest of the country’s women to fend for themselves.
Supporters of Melania’s stance are calling it “pro-life with a loophole.” A growing chorus of conservatives is already hailing her as a “champion of moral compromise.”
“She’s truly thinking outside the box—or at least outside the prenup,” said one Melania supporter, who asked to remain anonymous while hawking “Make Abortions Great Again” hats on eBay.
In typical fashion, former President Donald Trump took to Truth Social to offer his own unique brand of congratulations to his wife.
“Melania, CLASSY move. Some of the best ideas ever come from the women who stand behind me—sometimes in front but usually behind! Incredible woman, incredible timing, great legs! MAGA!”
Critics of the proposal, including feminist groups and almost every woman not married to Donald Trump, are condemning it as both absurd and terrifyingly specific. Planned Parenthood issued a brief statement, saying, “While we appreciate any discussion about reproductive rights, this is not quite what we had in mind.”
In her closing remarks, Melania offered a piece of advice to any future First Ladies who might face similar marital… situations. “When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade,” she said, with a faint smile. “When life gives your husband hush money scandals, you make policy.”
One thing is clear: Melania Trump has found her cause. Whether it will catch on with the broader public remains to be seen, but if nothing else, she’s certainly shaken things up. As one attendee put it: “If you thought 2024 was going to be boring, think again.”
